We're Cops!

We're Cops! is the 19th episode of (pat)Rick Figures.

Transcript
Patrick: (walks up to a squad car) Oh! Hey, cop car. Where are your drivers? Oh, you don't got anyone to drive you? So sad! How 'bout Patrick hop in and we go get us some slurpies?

(SpongeBob walks on the sidewalk while humming.)

Patrick: (through megaphone, off-screen) Get on the ground, asshole! (Blue drops to the ground, scared) Do it, do it now! (SpongeBob: Please! Don't shoot, don't shoot!) Don't move! I'll shoot your legs off, you pussy face, son of a yeller belleh! (He pulls up next to SpongeBob, laughing) Ah, you should have seen the look on your face.

Blue: Red? You douchebag, you scared the-- Holy shit, did you steal a cop car?

Red: Yeah, check this bad boy out. Got sirens, too. (Turns them on) Woop, woop.

Blue: Dude! You can't steal a cop car, you know how illegal that is?

Red: Pffpfft, who's gonna pull over a cop car? Nobody.

Blue: Wow, that actually makes a lot of sense. That's a little scary.

(Shows them in the car while Red shoots at random people. A girl screams.)

Red: Whoo, baby! This is awesome! Dude, I just shot a hooker!

Blue: Yeah, I was just thinking about littering. But I'd never do it.

Radio voice: All cars, we got 10-83 on 3rd and Jefferson, all units in the vicinity, respond.

(They pull up to a place called Beershatzy. Officer Chad Quandt, a bartender, and a dead body are seen inside. Red and Blue appears from the right.)

Red: All right, what do we got?

Officer: Triple crimicide. Perps AWOL'd, but the vic's got multiple BLT to the head. Cut and dry.

Red: That's damn good police work, police guy.

Bartender: (brings them two beers) You boys keep fighting the good fight.

Red: Wait. These are.....free?

Bartender: Yup, always on the house for cops.

Red: Yeah....we're cops! (Grabs the beer and sips it.)

(In the car. The California Love melody plays.)

Radio voice: All units, we got a 5-0-4 at State and Main. Please respond.

(Shows a pizza delivery guy named Phil giving them stacks of pizza)

Red: (eating) We're cops.

Blue: We're cops.

Red: We're cops.

Blue: We're cops.

(In the car, eating pizza.)

Radio voice: 852 on West 87.

(They are inside a medical facility with red eyes while the two street artists are there.)

Red: (pulling a wagon full of bags of marijuana) We're cops! Ahahaha.

Blue: We're totally cops.

(In the car, smoking, Blue starts coughing.)

Radio voice: We got a PDR at the IBM.

(Red and Blue watch two women dance on a pole at a strip club.)

Blue: (enticed) Ohh...we're cops.

Red: (enticed) Jiggly, jiggly cops. (One of the women throws her bra onto his face.)

Lord Tourettes: Hahaha, I love FUCKING breasts! (giggles)

(In the car with stuff in the back)

Blue: Dude, this is amazing! Look at all this free shit we're getting.

Red: I know! I should steal cars more often.

Radio voice: Car 69, where are you going in such a hurry?

Red: Oh, butts, that's us. Uh, uh, there's a bank robbery happening right now.

Radio voice: There's a bank robbery?!

Red: Uhh...yeah! A huge one! We're heading there right now, radio man. Whoo! (Turns on sirens)

Blue: (tensing up) Dude, where are you going?

Red: Didn't you hear? There's a bank robbery!

Blue: What? No, there's not!

Red: Protect and serve, mothafu--

(The car crashes into the bank. Red and Blue get out of the car with guns.)

Red: Everybody, watch out! You're gettin' robbed!

(People run away and scream. Red points his gun at a teller.)

Red: Where's all your money?

Bank Teller: (crying) Please don't kill me!

Red: (low voice) Please don't make me.

(The vault opens and Red and Blue enter.)

Red: Quick! We gotta protect all this cash.

Blue: So no one can steal it.

Red: Yeah, yeah.

Blue: Good thinking.

(Both exit the bank with the cash.)

Officer: Freeze, fuckers!

(Cops aim their guns at them.)

Blue: Oh, shit. Dude, what do we do?

Red: Leave it to me. 'Sall right...we're cops!

(Long silence.)

Chad Quandt: It's cool, they're cops.

Officer #2: They're cops.

Officer #3: They're cops!

Officer #4: They're cops!

Officer #5: They're cops.

Officer #6: Cops!

Red: Yeah, we're cops!

Officer #7: Whoo, we're cops!

Red: (dancing) ♪Cops is what we are.♪

Chad Quandt: We're cops, too.

(They start dancing.)

Officer: Look at us, we're all cops!

(An officer pops open a beer bottle, Red nails a female officer, Blue kicks open a cash bag, and others say "cops" as everybody dances or fires their guns.)