Battle of the Ages

Battle of the Ages
Battle of the Ages is the twelveth episode of SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show.

Plot
A new reality series airs, and is quickly becoming more popular than SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show, so SpongeBob and the gang plan to beat the opposing series in a "triple-dog-dare-off," once they learn that there what they're going up against... Squlliam Fancyson: The Reality Show.

Transcript
Setting: SpongeBob’s Backyard

SpongeBob: Last time on SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show, our contestants were stranded alone in the middle of Atlantis, where we are wanted criminals for popping one of their most prized possessions! After we were sentenced to fourteen years in Atlantian prison, we escaped with the help of Pearl and Patrick! In the end it was the Jellyfish who lost the competition, which meant that it was time to say “goodbye” to Karen! Which of her fellow contestants will join her this week? What do we have in store for our competitors? All these questions and much more will be answered tonight on an exciting new episode of, SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show!

[Opening Theme]

Setting: Fancy!

SpongeBob:   [Sits down at table] Oh, waiter?!

Waiter: [Appears on the scene] Yes, Mr. SquarePants?

SpongeBob: What did you think of last week’s episode of SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show?

Waiter: SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show? That’s so, one week ago.

SpongeBob: What do you mean?

Waiter: Are you serious? You’ve never heard about the new reality series?

SpongeBob: New reality series?!

Waiter: [Sighs] Yes, a new reality series. Rumor has it that it’s already gaining more ratings than SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show.

SpongeBob: But that’s impossible!

Waiter: Nothings impossible. [Exits the area]

SpongeBob: [Takes phone out of back pocket, and begins dialing a number]

[Voice is heard on the other end of the phone]

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: Yes.

<p class="MsoNormal">[Voice is heard on the other end of the other phone]

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: Tomorrow morning will do nicely.

<p class="MsoNormal">[Voice is heard on the other end of the other phone]

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: Thank you! [Hangs up the phone]

<p class="MsoNormal">Setting: SpongeBob’s Backyard

<p class="MsoNormal">Squidward: SpongeBob, what are we waiting for? The competition was supposed to begin half an hour ago.

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: Wait for it…

<p class="MsoNormal">[Bus appears]

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: Right on time!

<p class="MsoNormal">Pearl: Huh?

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: I’m sure that you’re all familiar with our competing reality series.

<p class="MsoNormal">Squilliam: [Exits bus] It’s not a competition when you already have a winner!

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: [Gasps] Squilliam?! You work for our show!

<p class="MsoNormal">Squilliam: Not according to this. [Pulls contract out of back pocket] This contract which you handed out to us in episode one clearly states that “Any individual is no longer property of SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show once they are eliminated from the competition.”

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: So?

<p class="MsoNormal">Squilliam: I have my own show now; Squilliam Fancyson: The Reality Show!

<p class="MsoNormal">Barnacle Boy: That’s just a rip-off of our show!

<p class="MsoNormal">Squilliam: May I introduce to you, the contestants of Squilliam Fancyson: The Reality Show!

<p class="MsoNormal">Flying Dutchman: [Exits bus]

<p class="MsoNormal">Mr. Krabs: [Exits bus]

<p class="MsoNormal">Man Ray: [Exits bus]

<p class="MsoNormal">Larry the Lobster: [Exits bus]

<p class="MsoNormal">Karen: [Exits bus]

<p class="MsoNormal">[Nine other contestants exit the bus]

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: What makes your show so special?

<p class="MsoNormal">Squilliam: You’re just jealous that I’m getting higher ratings! [Points to himself]

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: Oh, yeah?!

<p class="MsoNormal">Squilliam: Yeah! [Stares at SpongeBob with an angry look] Save it for the showdown, SquarePants! [Exits the area]

<p class="MsoNormal">Mrs. Puff: Showdown?!

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: That's right! I have scheduled a "triple-dog-dare-off" between the two of our shows!

<p class="MsoNormal">Pearl: When?

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: Today.

<p class="MsoNormal">Patrick: What?!

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: If we're going to beat them we need all the training we can get! Drop and give me twenty!

<p class="MsoNormal">Patrick: [Begins to do one push-up, but falls over]

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: Is that the best you've got soldier?!

<p class="MsoNormal">Patrick: [Attempts to do another push-up, but fails]

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: You should be ashamed of yourslef, soldier!

<p class="MsoNormal">Setting: Squilliam's Backyard

<p class="MsoNormal">Man Ray: Aren't we going to train for the big event today?

<p class="MsoNormal">Squilliam: Train? We don't need to train. We have this contest in the bag!

<p class="MsoNormal">Man Ray: Really, what bag?

<p class="MsoNormal">Squilliam: [Sighs] It's a metaphor.

<p class="MsoNormal">Man Ray: Oh.

<p class="MsoNormal">Squilliam: [Sips from coconut] I can't wait to see the look on Squidwards face when we win! It'll be histarical!

<p class="MsoNormal">Setting: SpongeBob's House

<p class="MsoNormal">[Bus appears]

<p class="MsoNormal">Squiliam: [Exits the bus with his contestants following behind him]

<p class="MsoNormal">Squilliam: Are you ready to lose, SquarePants?

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: If by "lose" you mean, win, then yes, I'm ready to lose!

<p class="MsoNormal">Squilliam: Who goes first?

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: Let's let my quarter decide. [Pulls a quarter out back pocket] Heads or tales?

<p class="MsoNormal">Squilliam: Heads!

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: [Flips coin, which lands on heads]

<p class="MsoNormal">Squilliam: [Grins] I triple-dog-dare you to... [Scratches his head] I got it! I triple-dog-dare SpongeBob to admit that Squilliam Fancyson: The Reality Show is better than- [Pauses to take a breath] SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show!

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: [Gulps]

<p class="MsoNormal">[Contestants of SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show begin chanting "Do it!"]

<p class="MsoNormal">SpongeBob: Squilliam Fancyson: The Reality Show is better than SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show! [Covers mouth with his hand] There, I said it, and I'm never going to say again!

Squilliam: Oh, you don't have to. [Pulls tape recorder out of back pocket, and begins re-playing what SpongeBob said]

SpongeBob: [Grunts]

Sandy: It's our turn now! I triple-dog-dare Squilliam to... jump from the high-dive at Goo Lagoon!

Setting: Goo Lagoon

Squilliam: [Climbs up diving board] Do I have to?

Plankton: What?! We just walked all the way to Goo Lagoon, and now your going to chicken out?! [Begins making chicken sound effects]

Squilliam: I'll show them! [Jumps from the high-dive] Ah! [Lands in the water and begins drowning]

Larry the Lobster: I'll save you! [Dives into the water and rescues Squilliam]

Squilliam: I was drowning underwater... is that even logical?

[A montage is shown featuring contestants completing dares]

Mr. Krabs: I triple-dog-dare Plankton to... give me five dollars!

Plankton: Okay. [Hands Mr. Krabs five dollars]

Mr. Krabs: [Kisses the five dollar bill]

Squilliam: That's it?! You wasted our dare on that?!

Mr. Krabs: What?

Squilliam: You know what, I'm going to ignore that, because our next dare will be so big that-

Barnacle Boy: Hurry up over there, we don't have all day!

Squilliam: [Grunts]

Mermaid Man: I triple-dog-dare Squilliam to cancel your series!

Karen: Come on, that's not fair!

Flying Dutchman: Yeah, pick another one!

Mermaid Man: Squilliam, may I see that contract that you showed us earlier?

Squilliam: Okay. [Hands Mermaid Man the contract]

Mermaid Man: According to this contract, "No rules apply to any form of competition, throughout the serie, thus nothing can be 'unfair'."

Squilliam: That's just a silly contract! [Rips the contract to shreds]

Mermaid Man: Well, I think we're done here.

Squilliam: Huh? What do you mean?

Mermaid Man: According to that contract you were no longer property of SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show, but now that it's destroyed...

Squilliam: No! I'm not cancelling my series!

Mermaid Man: I'm afraid you have to.

Squilliam: But... but... but...

Mermaid Man: [Shoves Squilliam onto the bus with the rest of his contestants]

[Bus drives away]

Plankton: You do know that we all got a copy of that contract, right?

Mermaid Man: Yes, but Squilliam doesn't have to know that.

Plankton: I guess that we're done here. [Walks away whistling]

Setting: SpongeBob's Backyard

SpongeBob: Thank you all for joining me today for yet another elimination ceremony, here on SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show!

Pearl: I was thinking-

Squidward: [Smirks] That's a first.

Pearl: As I was saying, what should I do with my prize money when I win?

SpongeBob: [Clears throat] Excuse me, I'm trying to announce whos hopes and dreams will be ruined next, here.

Pearl: Oh, sorry.

SpongeBob: Since neither team really "won" todays competition, anyone can be eliminated! The votes are in, and the next contestant to be eliminated from SpongeBob SquarePants: The Reality Show is... Pearl!

Pearl: Huh?! I was supposed to win!

SpongeBob: Fred?

Fred: [Grabs Pearl and begins trying to drag her out the exit, but isn't strong enough] May I suggest that you, I don't know... lay off the food?!

Pearl: Hey?! [Throws Fred into the crowd of fans]

Fred: Ah! [Disappears into the crowd]

Pearl: [Exits the area]

Mrs. Puff: [Jaw drops] What just happened?

The End

Trivia

 * Pearl is the eliminated contestant.

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