Tonsil Krab Transcript

Cast
Rebecca Rechid (as Caroline (Cameos))

Nat Peterson

Patrick Star

SpongeBob SquarePants

Sandy Cheeks

Tina SquarePants

Kyle Rechid

Plankton

Mr. Krabs

Mrs. Puff

Fred

Squidane

Squidward

Wendy SquarePants

Pearl Krabs

Terrance and Phillip

Bebe Krabs

Squidendy

Patricia Star

Karen

Dr. Gill Gilliam

What Zit Tooya

Harold Bill

Dr. Actor

Dr. Forrest

Frank (citizen)

Frank (muscular goldfish)

Shubie

Martha Smith

Nancy O'Malley

Tina Fran

Nancy Suzy Fish

Mrs. Krabs

Script
Mr. Krabs: AHHHHHH.

Dr. Forrest: Well, there's no doubt about it. Those tonsils! Fucker need to come out.

Mr. Krabs: What?

Mrs. Krabs: Uh, what exactly does that entail, doctor?

Dr. Forrest: It's a very simple operation. We'll just put you to sleep, Krabs, and when you wake up you'll be tonsil-free!

Mr. Krabs: No- No way. I'm not going to the hospital, Mom!

Dr. Forrest: Oh, I thought you were a tough Krabs! You're not scared of hospitals, are you?

Mr. Krabs: No, I'm not scared... I just- I don't want my tonsils out, that's all!

Mrs. Krabs: Well I guess you don't want all the ice cream you get after the surgery, either.

Mrs. Krabs: ...Ice cream?

Mrs. Krabs: It'd be a shame to have to give all that free ice cream to the big boys who aren't afraid of hospitals.

Mrs. Krabs: What do you say, champ? Think you can tough it out?

Mr. Krabs: Well...you did say free ice cream? [Dentist and Mrs. Krabs laugh]

[A shot of Hell's Pass Hospital. Camera cuts to a hospital room where Mr. Krabs is asleep in a hospital bed. Liane is sitting by his side, holding his hand and smiling]

Mrs. Krabs: Poopsiekins, wake up. Wake up, honey.

Mr. Krabs: [Opening his eyes, blinking a lot] Uh. It's over?

Mr. Krabs: That's right, you did it, Poopsiekins!

Mr. Krabs: [Eye's fully open, sitting up] It's over! I didn't feel anything! You were right, Mom!

Mrs. Krabs: I'm so proud of you, Mr. Krabs.

Mrs. Krabs: Alright, so where's my ice cream?

[Three doctors enter the room looking very nervous.]

Mrs. Krabs: Oh, here's the doctors now! Hi, doctor.

Mrs. Krabs: You were right, doctor! Everything is okay!

Mrs. Krabs: [Sobbing] Oh, oh, my baby has HIV!

Mr. Krabs: NO! NOOOOOOOO!

''[A shot of Bikini Bottom High School as segue music plays. In the teachers lounge, SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Mrs. Puff, two other staff members, and all of the boys' parents are gathered.]''

SpongeBob SquarePants: Thank you for coming, everyone. [Nat, Kyle, Rebecca and Wendy walk in.]

Patrick Star: Boys, please take a seat.

Kyle Rechid: [The boys sit down.] What's going on? Are we in trouble Bikini Bottom?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Boys, the reason we all called you in is because one of your friends...has a serious illness. Mr. Krabs has been diagnosed with HIV.

Squidward: Oh no.

Dr. Gill Gilliam: He's been to several specialists after a botched blood transfusion. The disease is in very early stages and completely manageable, but he's naturally a bit scared.

Plankton: Mr. Krabs has HIV?

Fish Doctor 2: We need everyone to understand you can't get the virus from Krabs. You can still give him hugs and even kisses. Don't be afraid of him, just-

Plankton: Excuse me. Eugene Krabs has HIV?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Alright, we're going to bring Eugene in now, and let's all be as supportive as we can and show him lots of love, okay?

Patrick Star: [Opens the back door] Eugene? Come on in, your friends want to say "Hi", m'kay? [Eugene walks into the room with a black baseball cap, a gray scarf, and an annoyed look. Everyone greets him.]

Plankton: ...No. Way!!!!!!.

Rebecca Peterson: [[Walks over to Mr. Krabs, putting an arm around his shoulder] How ya doin', Krabs? You know, I think you're a real special little guy, and even though you have AIDS, I ain't gonna act any different towards you. [Smiles and kisses Mr. Krabs on the cheek, much to his horror]

Mr. Krabs: Goddammit, this sucks ASS!

Plankton: ...Excuse me, I have to step out for a minute. [Leaves the room and begins laughing in the hallway. It can be heard from in the room.]

What Zit Tooya: Poor Plankton. He's really taking it hard.

Mr. Krabs: Is Plankton LAUGHING out there!? This isn't a time for funny jokes, I'm gonna die!

Fish Doctor 2: No, you're not going to die, Mr. Krabs. AIDS isn't as big a deal as it used to be. There are advances in treatment and-

Mr. Krabs: What? No. No. [runs after him] Plankton, no!!

[End of Tonsil Krabs.]