It Just Drags On

It Just Drags On is the 11th episode of SBFW Go!. In it, Polar desperately attempts to get a girlfriend.

Characters (in order of appearance)

 * Polar
 * SpongeBot
 * Travis
 * Asshole Jake Peralta/SeemsGood
 * Mason
 * Phil
 * Cicicity
 * Matchy (debut)
 * Lock (debut)
 * Jasbre
 * Timmy
 * Bong
 * Barmaid (debut)

Transcript
(the episode begins in the loser lounge, Polar is on a date but we don’t see who with)

Polar: Our food will be here soon, and boy am I hungry! (awkward laugh) Well, not for food but rather, well....

Polar in his mind: Damn! Why do I have to be so awkward at times like this? (SpongeBot enters, carrying the food)

SpongeBot: Your food, good people. (he puts the food on the table)

Polar: Thanks. You’re a saint, SpongeBot. I can’t believe you actually managed to set me up with someone!

SpongeBot: Well, I do know a couple of people. I’ll get someone else to bring your drinks in. I don’t wanna risk my life. (leaves)

Polar: Wow, this food looks delicious! Before we eat, I have something I must ask you. During the coming week would you… would you… Alexa, would you like to have sex with me? (it is revealed that he is dating an Amazon Echo)

Alexa: Sorry, I don’t know that one.

Polar: F**K YOU! We’re through, Alexa! Right after I finish my grub.

Alexa: Sorry, I don’t know that one.

Polar: You f*****g piece of s**t! (smashes the Echo with a hammer) Ew, this looks disgusting! (Travis enters with the drinks)

Travis: I don’t like taking time out of my very busy schedule to help you, y’know. Uh, Polar? Is your date OK?

Polar: Yeah, she’s just drunk.

Travis: What’s she been drinking?

Polar: (Travis lays the drinks on the table while he speaks) Just f**k off, will ya? Who made these pancakes, anyway?

Travis: What? I’m a very good chef! (cut to earlier, Travis is making the pancakes) Making pancakes, making penis pancakes. Grab some penis and you put it in a pancake. Penis pancakes, that’s what it’s gonna make. Penis pancakes! (cut back to present)

Polar: EWWWWW!

(Polar whilst writing the script: I haven’t changed my mind about not liking Adventure Time, it’s a disgraceful show, m’kay?)

(theme song, the cut to the lounge, some of the users are watching TV whilst Polar paces up and down)

Polar: I just don’t get! I just can’t find my perfect match! I’ve tried Siri, Google, Cortana, (stops and looks at SpongeBot) don’t even get me started on GLADOS!

SpongeBot: (sarcastically) Maybe you should start dating, I dunno, actual people next time?

Polar: Funny that, because, well, how do I put this? (furiously) YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S BEEN SUGGESTING ALL THESE PEOPLE!!!

Asshole Jake Peralta: Could you cut it out? We’re trying to binge watch the entire Die Hard series here!

Phil: Yeah, could you just shit- I mean shut! Shit! (pause) Just shut up!

Polar: I just want, well, that someone in my life! Like, one day we could wake up, watch some Netflix, go to the movies and when we get back, I’d be all like “help yourself”!

SpongeBot: Good luck with that, then. (Polar sighs) What happened to Alexa, anyway?

Polar: Oh, she… uh… (flatly) She’s dead.

SpongeBot: Oh. (he resumes watching the television and Polar takes a seat on the sofa, SpongeBot then realises what had just happened) WAIT, WHAT?

Polar: (gets up, talks swiftly) Uh, wrong show, Bot! Anyways, I gotta go… somewhere. I’ll see you all around soon. Bye-e! (legs it up the stairs)

SpongeBot: Oh my God, he killed Alexa!

Asshole Jake Peralta: I find it funny how no one really points out that we’re basically living with a GoAnimate! Character.

SpongeBot: I know right.

Mason: Who’s that? Sounds like a nice guy?

Asshole Jake Peralta: Could you please shut up? It’s really annoying when someone talks over the film.

Phil: The f*****g irony in that sentence is enough to kill me.

Cicicity: (after a pause) I sexually identify as a train. (cut to later in the day in the lounge)

Asshole Jake Peralta: Hi, Polar.

Polar: Hoi.

Lock: Hello.

Polar: Hoi part two.

Matchy: Hi, people! I’m Matchy, by the way.

Lock: Eh, just call me Lock, I s’pose.

Asshole Jake Peralta: IT’S TIME FOR HI WARS!

Lock: Maybe I could eat… BLADES OF GRASS!

Polar: (confused) Uh…

Asshole Jake Peralta: Hey, Matchy! I love your new show, SpongeBob SquarePants Go!

Matchy: (excited) Really?

Asshole Jake Peralta: It’s cancer.

Matchy: Cool.

Lock: Don’t you just love it when you stay up ‘till 3 sleepless? Me too…

Asshole Jake Peralta: I watched Die Hard with a vengeance. Good movie, good movie… (Jasbre enters)

Jasbre: Hey guys, what’s cooking?

Asshole Jake Peralta: Penis pancakes, probably.

Jasbre: (sigh) I didn’t mean it literally… But, I do hate it when it’s Travis’ turn to cook.

Timmy: I don’t understand what you lot are on about! Penis pancakes, penis pizza, even penis pie! It’s all amazing!

Mason: Like any sane person would, I have to agree with Jazzy. He’s never vegetarian-friendly, he always cooks meat!

Matchy: And he always gives it too much of a beating! Yuck…

Timmy: But, what about the dumplings? They’re the best part!

Lock: Yeah… I know! Why don’t we round up the gang tonight! We could eat out!

Jasbre: F**k yeah! I’m not shitti- I mean sitting, here eating literal shite and dick! Instead of having to face the feces, we will instead face the- face the- face the- where exactly are we going again? (cut to everyone in the last scene walking down a dark alleyway)

Polar: Could someone please clarify where we are going! My curiosity can’t wait any longer!

Timmy: You’ll find out soon enough.

Polar: I hope there’s girls there. I can’t wait to try out some of my new pick-up lines. (to Jasbre) Hickory Dickery Dock, it's time to suck my cock!

Jasbre: Ew… Polar, I’m not actually gay like you.

Polar: (furious) YOU WHAT?

Timmy: Shut it, you two! We’ll get caught!

Matchy: F*****g get caught for what? (they come across a drug dealer)

Timmy: Charlie! My man!

Charlie: Hey-o! What you after this time?

???: Timmy! Mason! What you doing down there?

Timmy: Oh shit. Heh, heh. NOTHING, MUM! (cut to them getting bailed out of jail by Travis)

Lock: Well, that went well.

Travis: You should be lucky that those other damn fools made me spend some of my… ‘personal’ money on this bail.

Jasbre: Wait, you’ve been hogging some money to yourself?

Travis: What? I have a penis and I’m proud. And that’s something you lot don’t need photographic evidence of. (he flashes it at them)

Matchy: Ew…

Polar: Hang on, what’s up with you ‘upper area’, Tarvy?

Travis: Uh… nothing.

Jasbre: There’s definitely something up with that shit.

Travis: Nothing’s wrong! Nothing’s wrong at all!

Polar: Mmh hmm. Anyway, I know it’s late but we might as well go and get SOMETHING to eat.

Jasbre: Yeah, I guess it’s about f*****g time. And, while we’re out, I bet Polar not 10, but 20 dollars that he can’t get a girl.

Polar: It’s on! Birds better beware ‘cos the pigeon catcher is coming to town! (pause) Except, of course, I’m not actually after any pigeons, something a bit better actually.

Travis: What the hell are you f*****g weirdo sexual deviants talking about?

Lock: Like a phoenix?

Polar: You can always dream, right?

Travis: I like dreaming. (everyone stares blankly)

Matchy: Of course you do.

Polar: Anyway, where we off to now? (cut to them at a strip club) Why are we at a strip club? Seriously, why the hell are we at a strip club?

Travis: So Bong can finally fulfill her lifelong dream of becoming a stripper!

Bong: Last time I checked, it was YOUR lifelong dream for me to become a stripper. And it ain’t happening, girlfriend. (plugs some earphones in)

Matchy: She does know we can hear exactly everything she’s listening to, right?

Bong: And just because I have my earphones plugged in doesn’t mean I can’t hear you. (she turns the volume down)

Travis: I, uh, gotta go restroom or something. (leaves)

Polar: Hey, now I know why we’re at a strip club!

Jasbre: F**k.

Polar: I’m not paying any of the money from that bet, but I can still try, I suppose. But there are no girls here other than the strippers! And I’m not going out with someone who gets paid to take off all her clothes.

SpongeBot: Just like I would never secretly have sex during the night!

Lock: Actually, there are girls here other than strippers. See that lesbian over there?

Polar: Lock, I was joking when I made a blog about me being a girl.

Lock: Oh, oh. Uh, well, maybe she’s bisexual?

Polar: I would look like a right ‘tard if she isn’t. No offense, Bot.

SpongeBot: None taken. What’s a ‘tard, anyway?

Cicicity: Po, what about the barmaid?

Jasbre: What’s a barmaid?

Cicicity: Y’know, the waitress, cashier-person. (to her) Get me some more weed.

Barmaid: F**k off.

Polar: OK, OK. It’s worth a shot. (clears his throat) Hi, I’m a burglar. And I’m gonna smash your back door in! (the barmaid slaps him) I’ll have you know I suffered a very bad loss recently!

Barmaid: What the f**k does that have to do with anything?

Polar: My dick died. Could I bury it in your vagina?

Barmaid: This show can just be so f*****g sexist sometimes. (leaves)

Polar: Welp. I might just go and get an ice pack for my face. (leaves)

Phil: That was certainly eventful.

Jasbre: You bet! And so did I! Twenty dollars actually, that he wouldn’t find one. So, that’s why I took us all here. Quickest twenty bucks of my life.

Timmy: Not as quick as-

SpongeBot: Please don’t finish that sentence.

???: TIMMY? MASON? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Mason: Leg it! (they dash off)

Phil: Travis has been gone a while.

Jasbre: Yeet.

SpongeBot: Hey, who’s that sexy one over there?

Jasbre: You mean the stripper?

SpongeBot: One of them, anyway. What do you think about pulling a little prank on Popo?

Jasbre: At the expense of twenty bucks? No way!

SpongeBot: No, no! The actual magic won’t happen until tomorrow night.

Jasbre: Oh, oh, I see…

SpongeBot: If we manage to pull it off, just imagine what he’d be like when he finds out about her stripper job!

Jasbre: Pfft! Yeah! Let’s do it.

Asshole Jake Peralta: Any of you guys know how to do a 4:3 crop? (at night the next day, Polar is driving to his ‘date’, on the way, he passes a yellow reliant regal)

Polar: What a plonker. (he arrives at The Krusty Krab, he goes to Squidward) Reservation for table 17?

Squidward: We don’t do reservations here. Besides, table 17 is already occupied by some weirdo.

Polar: That must be her. (he goes over to table 17) You must be constipated ‘cos I wanna play 1-2 Switch with you.

Date: Same. (Polar sits down)

Polar: I’m guessing you’re a farmer ‘cos it appears that you’re good with cocks.

Date: Nah, nah! I do… a variety of things.

Polar: So, people ‘round here call me Polar. I’m generally a cool guy. You can touch me all you want, I won’t bite. Oh wait, I- (the date touches his ding dong, Polar smiles) So, what you want to eat?

Date: I’ll just take whatever’s the most meaty.

Polar: I think I’ll go for some deep vagina with a side of milk and cherries. Anyway, what do you do?

Date: Oh, as I said, I do a variety of things. Sometimes I strip, sometimes I write fan-fic. And you?

Polar: Let’s just say I have a penis and I’m proud.

Date: I’ll need photographic evidence for that.

Polar: Really? Wait, hang on a second. You said you write fan-fic, have you heard of FANDOM, or even the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki?

Date: Yeah, I live there.

Polar: Uh, what’s your name, again?

Date: Traviffany.

Polar: (stands up) TRAVIS?!

Travis: That’s my name, don’t wear it out.

Polar: WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?

Travis: What? Dressing up in drag is my new hobby! I got some money recently, so I got myself some boobs and strapless bras and all that…

Polar: This is f*****g unbelievable!

Travis: Look! I even got it so they can do this! (he holds a button down and his boobs get wider)

Polar: Uh, Travis… (just before they are about to explode, the episode cuts to credits)

Trivia

 * This is the second episode by to be released seconds after writing commenced, after SpongeBob n' Stuff's Help.