Viciously Murdering Ourselves So We Can Get Our House Back

Viciously Murdering Ourselves So We Can Get Our House Back is the thirty-third episode of Livin' With The Squid.

Characters

 * Squidward Tentacles
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Patrick Star
 * Human Teenager
 * Gill Gilliam (cameo)
 * Officer John (cameo)
 * Officer Nancy (cameo)
 * Sandy Cheeks (cameo)
 * Technetium (cameo)

Plot
SpongeBob and Patrick commit suicide in an attempt to get their house back.

Story
SpongeBob's eyes slowly began to open, revealing himself to be inside a hospital room. "What the...?" he said, leaning up from the hospital bed. "SpongeBob! You're alive!" Patrick grinned. "Patrick? Why am I in the hospital?" SpongeBob asked. "Your idea lightbulb crashed into your head and knocked you unconscious! A real sick way to play with the trope, Travis! You should be ashamed of yourself!" Patrick scolded, turning himself towards the screen. "Ugh...how long has it been?" SpongeBob asked, rubbing the top of his head. "Well, you've been in a coma since November of last year," Patrick answered. "Last year?! You mean I missed the New Year's fireworks?! NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Less importantly, our best friend is dead!" SpongeBob exclaimed.

"Yeah, they were some damn good fireworks. Too bad you missed them," Patrick commented. "STOP RUBBING IT IN MY FACE, YOU FEMININE-COLORED NUISANCE!" SpongeBob shouted angrily. "You know, It's a good thing I don't understand the English language completely or else I might of broken up with you for that mean-spirited comment," Patrick said. "Oh, this whole show is mean-spirited! Get over it!" SpongeBob growled. "Well, if you insist," Patrick said, hopping on top of SpongeBob. "Okay, I'm over you," Patrick said.

Squidward once used to be alive

A star on this terrible show

But then we killed him off in the previous episode

Maybe this show will finally end

No wait, you guys voted for it to continue

And well let’s just say

It couldn’t of gotten any worse!

That's when Gill Gilliam entered the room. "Time to give another genital exam to that unconscious sponge," he said to himself, placing on rubber gloves. However, his eyes quicky widend at the sight inside the room. "Gah! You're conscious now! Uh...I-I can explain!" he grinned nervously, rubbing his sides. "No need to explain. I already know everything that's happened," SpongeBob said dramatically. "Y-You do...?" Gill gulped. "Of course I do! My best friend's dead, our house is gone, and I have to commit suicide in order to get them back!" SpongeBob explained. "Oh, that. I thought you were talking about me sexually assaulting you while you were unconscious," Gill commented. "Sponges don't have genitals. Maybe if our writer actually payed attention in school instead of thinking about writing SpongeBob SquarePants fanfiction with crude references to sex and violence, he'd know that," SpongeBob stated, promptly pulling the plug from his life support.

The heart monitor quickly ceased to beep, going into a flatline. "SpongeBob! No!" Patrick shouted, gripping onto his boyfriend's dead body as tears dripped from his eyes. "Hold it right there!" shouted Officer John, bursting into the room along with his partner, Officer Nancy. "You're being executed for sexual harrassment of unconscious hospital patients!" Officer Nancy said, quickly getting out her gun and beginning to rapidly shoot at Patrick. As blood began to leak onto the hospital sheets, Nancy continued shooting the sea star, until her gun eventually run out of bullets. "Take that, rapist!" she growled. "Uh, Nancy? You do realize we were supposed to shoot the other guy, right?" John asked, the camera panning over to Gill. "Oh...oops," Nancy said, grinning nervously.

Afterlife

Squidward had been sitting down, sipping a cup of coffee when suddenly SpongeBob appeared. "Squidward!" SpongeBob grinned. "NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!! Why?! Why must the universe torture me?!" Squidward shouted, dropping onto his knees, tears beginning to form in his eyes. Patrick then appeared as well. "SpongeBob!" he exclaimed happily. "Squidward," he muttered, crossing his arms. "Patrick's here too?! No! No! NNNNNOOOO!!! This has to be a nightmare! This is a nightmare right? Someone please tell me this is a nightmare!" Squidward shouted. "My life was a nightmare. That's why I killed myself," said the teenager. The characters paused and stared at him. "What?" the teenager shrugged. "And just when I thought Travis couldn't go any lower, he makes a joke about suicide. Unbelievable," SpongeBob said. "I don't know what the big deal is. It's just a joke," the teenager said dryly.

"Just a joke?! Just a joke?! He's joking about suicide!" SpongeBob exclaimed. "So?" the teenager asked, crossing his arms. "Of, of course you wouldn't understand. You've never experienced what it's like to be suicidal! If you really knew what it was like, there's no way you'd approve of these types of joke!" SpongeBob stated. "Uh, I have experienced those types of feelings before. Where do you think these scars came form? Why the hell do you think I'm here? Quit speaking for other people. You have no idea what it's like to be suicidal. I don't care about people making jokes about suicide, but I do care about idiots like you who think they know everything about suicide when in reality they've never exprienced anything like it," the teenager ranted

"I-" SpongeBob began. "No! Shut it! You don't have anything to add to the conversation! You're quick to call out people for making sucide jokes, yet you own a website dedicated to making fun of people! You caused someone to committ suicide and yet you have the audacity to bash someone for a f***ing joke?! What is wrong with you?!" the teenager growled, walking off angrily. "Wow, things just got deep," Patrick said. "Not as deep as that teenager's scars," Squidward said. "You know what, Patrick? What that teenager said actually makes a lot of sense. I shouldn't be so harsh on people about their sense of humor. Those jokes are completely harmless compared to the things I've done in my life...Despite all that, I'm going to decide to blatantly ignore all of his critisisms, no matter how valid they may be," SpongeBob stated. Like Travis?" Patrick asked. "Oh, don't you dare compare to that idiot! He makes suicide jokes!" SpongeBob complained. "He can't be as bad as either of you," Squidard said, a deadpan tone in his voice. "Say, how we gonna get home?" Patrick asked. "Please don't ever speak like that ever again," Squidward said.

Sandy's Treedome

"We're almost done with the project, baby! Just a few more minutes until we'll be able to bring people back to life!" Technetium grinned. "Why are you pointlessly stating the obvious? We all know that," Sandy said. "It's exposition for the audience," Technetium explained. "Ugh, Travis. Instead of showing things, he tells. That's just bad writing 101," Sandy rolled her eyes. "Oh, great. You just had to bring it up. Now that he's pointed out his flaws, he thinks he won't have to fix them," Technetium said. "Well, whatever. Let's get this machine going already!" Sandy said, placing a few more parts on it and quicky slamming down on a red button. Suddenly Squidward, SpongeBob, Patrick, and the teenager appeared in the treedome. "We're alive!" SpongeBob grinned. "Well, we all know that, SpongeBob. You don't have to point out the obvious," Patrick said. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Squidward asked, looking down at Patrick.

"Oh, right!" Patrick grinned, quickly taking out a mallet and smashing the revival device to bits. "Gotta maintain the status quo somehow," he said, walking out of the treedome along with the other recently revived characters. "The machine has been smashed to pieces, making it impossible to function propery. There, now that I've pointed out its' flaws, that means we won't have to fix them, right?" Sandy grinned hopefully.

Trivia

 * This is the first episode to air during 2016.
 * It is revealed that Technetium and Sandy are dating.