I'm a Rockstar, Smash My Clarinet

"I'm a Rockstar, Smash My Clarinet" is a Season 1 episode of Life in Bikini Bottom. It is rated TV-14-DLS and C.

Characters
NOTE: List is incomplete.
 * Shitward Testicles
 * Eugene F. Kraps
 * Shitty B
 * SpongeCock SquarePants
 * Judges
 * Fatrick Star
 * Fricky SquarePants
 * Eugene F. Kraps

Synopsis
Shitward goes on his way to become a world renowned musician, but when he has to battle against Shitty B in order to be the ultimate clarinet playing champion, he has to get a lot of help from others.

Plot
The episode starts at Shitward’s place, blowing a tube that looks like a dick. “Wait….I’m not gay,” he says, “so why I am I doing this?” He pauses to realize... “Oh yeah, it’s because I like to suck and no blow.” SpongeCock and Fatrick are watching out of their window, laughing uncontrollably. “Hah! Squidward.” SpongeCock says, while Fatrick yells so loud. “Hey, shit! Why don’t you get over here and give me some ice cream cake!” Shitward gets understandably annoyed and smacks Fatrick. He then goes to get his clarinet, which he used to play when he was younger, but sucked at it, causing him to resort to sucking a tube. Fricky comes to see what happens when SpongeCock says “Son….don’t be gay.” “Umm….okay….” Fricky replies. Shitward keeps blowing on the tube, until he gets frustrated. “I was way better at playing the clarinet! But I don’t think I want to play that right now…..I’ll just watch some TV.” Shitward turns it on, and the TV is showing a bunch of commercials about clarinets. “Play a clarinet today! They only cost 100 pieces of shit!” the commercial says, with Shitward replying with “Umm...I’d rather not.” A few more commercials are shown, and Shitward becomes annoyed to the point where he wants to play it. Shitward picks one up, puts his tentacles around it, puts it to his mouth, and starts blowing on it. Fatrick hears this in the background. “Hmm, that’s the way my mom blew my dad’s dick!” SpongeCock questions this by asking if it’s true, and Fatrick replies. “Oh, yeah, totally. I accidentally walked into my parents’ room one day to ask if they could help on my homework, but damn, I was scarred for life!” Squidward then concentrates, carefully placing his tentacles neatly on each hole as if he were at the Strip Club touching other… fins, and realizes that he’s pretty fricking good at playing the clarinet. “I can make a fortune off of this! I can become….famous!” Fatrick then appears in Shitward’s house. “I’m already famous for my huge craps.” Shitward then pushes Fatrick out, making a huge hole in the house.

Our whole universe was in a G and PG state

Then nearly fourteen billion years ago was inappropriate, wait

Fatrick shit a stool, Shitward began to drool

They invented crap that rules

We built a great, great wall (we started cursing)

Shit, titties bursting, unraveling the coercing

''This is Life in Bikini Bottom! PG-13!'' The episode cuts to a scene where Shitward is auditioning for a clarinet contest. “Who’s next?” “Some guy…” “Sounds shit.” “EVERYONE sounds shit.” “Shitward Hentaiporn.” “What? Read that name again!” Shitward inquires. “Shitward Hentaiporn.” Everyone starts laughing. “I won’t go on then.” Shitward then sits there and does random crap, like massaging his nose, practicing clarinet, etc. He is finally called up to the stage. “Hello, judges! Ready to hear the music of a true artiste?” “Umm...sure….just play this score” the judge replies with. Shitward takes a look at the piece...it’s over 200 measures! “Umm, judges, this is a little long, isn’t it?” he asks, with the judges saying that it’s what he’s playing if he wants to go to the competition. Shitward sweats while playing the piece, his arms getting more tired every second, him running low on water after every blow, he struggles hard. Meanwhile, it was a slow day at The Krusty Kock. “SpongeCock, me boy,” Mr. Kraps says to SpongeCock, “where’s Shitward?” SpongeCock fills him in about the auditions, and how when someone was coming in, they wouldn’t have their order taken. Fatrick then comes in and goes to the empty boat. “Hey, I’ll have 47 weed patties, please. I had a big breakfast, so I’m not that hungry.” Completely ignoring the fact that Patrick said that in the original show, Mr. Kraps whispers to SpongeCock. “Hey, it looks like Fatrick there might be a good replacement, ey?” “I don’t know, Mr. Kraps, Fatrick doesn’t completely know how to behave in public, so-” SpongeCock counters. However, Eugene thinks for a minute. Public or pubic? He thought. Eh, let’s not be more inappropriate right now. “Well anyways me boy, I also came to tell ye that I will be playing Bikini Bottom’s newest song, ‘Future Jerk Off’ and it will attract more of me fat ass customers!” “Oh, um sir that’s great but I heard Shitty B helped make that song… and well… he is Shitward’s arch enemy. Maybe it’s bad luck for him” SpongeCock carefully whispers. Mr. Kraps replies, “Eh, I don’t believe in all that voodoo shit but if it really gets to yer… well I guess we could use a new song. Why not ‘Jacking Off in San Diego?' Man I love that song! Jackin it, jackin it, jackity jack! Spankin it, spankin it, spankity spank!” SpongeCock, looking compuzzled asks Mr. Kraps, “Are you a pimpanzee?” where Mr. Kraps replies, “That does not matter get to work and stop bitching around! South Park references are awesome.” The episode then cuts to Shitward banging his clarinet against the floor, causing the pieces to scatter. The judges look terrified and start waving white flags. Once Shitward finishes bashing is clarinet like a mad squid, he asks the judges, “Now you know what I am going to do with the remains?” One judge pisses his pants. Shitward then eats his clarinet slowly taking the pieces and shoving it down his throat. He then spits it out in the trash and sets it on fire. Shitward’s eyes are now paranoid and he asks the judges, “Now I think you should change my score wouldn’t ya think? Come on I am waiting!” The judges shakily raise ten’s on pieces of papers and Shitward gets up and takes the trophy: a fully working golden clarinet. Shitward adds, “See ya later ya bitches! I wouldn’t want to be ya even if it meant going into Fatrick’s shit sewer!” Shitward arrives at the Krusty Kock and says, “Welp, I have somewhere to go on monday! I will be playing against Shitty B himself! That’s right not even a pianist can beat me!” SpongeCock asks, “Not even a penis can beat you? Why Shitward we all know you are the king of dicks no need to exaggerate!” Shitward facepalms and attempts to put his middle fingers up, but he forgot he only has tentacles. “Crap, you know what I mean. I’m out assholes! I’ll be back after my victory against Shitty B!” Mr. Kraps then nods to SpongeBob who plays Jerk Off causing Shitward to storm out of the Krusty Kock. “Those nerds don’t understand what it feels like to be filthy rich. I mean sure Fatrick WAS a rich bitch, but that all changed” Shitwards says to himself as he walks to his house… ALONE. That’s right, floating “Alone” words fly around Shitward with different voices saying “Alone.”  “Really? Now your making me depressed!” Shitward yells. Shitward starts practicing his scores, but realizes that his clarinet sounds bad. “What the hell is THIS?!” He looks into the clarinet to see a bunch of green shit. “Jesus, how many episodes are we going to reference today?” he says. He looks outside to see Fricky and Gory in SpongeCock’s pineapple. He walks in and goes to talk to Fricky. “Hey, Fricky, it’s me, Shitward,” he starts. “Oh, hey! I’m just hanging out with Gory. Supposed to be at school, but frick school. Cuttin’ it.” Fricky responds. “But it’s Saturday, there’s no school today.” “Oh, there’s no class today. It’s a Saturday detention. Got it from trying to murder one of my crappy teachers.” Shitward then says “Umm, that’s cool, I guess.” He then asks him about the green shit, and he says that his dad told Fatrick to shit in the clarinet, so Shitward would need a new clarinet. “Fricky - have Gory put some slime on the walkway. I’ll break the clarinet into little pieces and throw it at him when he gets home. That’ll show him-” and that’s when SpongeCock shows up. “Lots of drugs today. Well, not that there were many customers, it was...just...Fatrick spent $5,00-” “Yeah, yeah, that’s great, what the hell is this?” Shitward shows SpongeCock showed him his clarinet. SpongeCock then shoves him some money he got from Fatrick and runs away so Shitward can’t hurt him. The episode then cuts to Shitward with his new clarinet, arriving at the stadium for practice, 4 hours before the event. “Hey, Squiddy boy,” Shitty B says, with his hand on Shitward’s shoulder. “Shitty, get the frick off of me. Man, you don’t have a chance tonight.” “Whoa whoa! I think we all need to just take a deep breath in-” “And suck my fricking tube Shitty. Look, I don’t wanna make ya pissed or anything but I am in this to win! Not lose!” Shitty remains at a calm tone and replies, “Relax Squiddles, no need to be an Octopissy.” Squidward replies angrily,” What the? I ain’t a fricking octopissay! And if you call me Squiddles one more time I will transport 10 cellos and spank them on your ass! So shut the hell up!” Shitty replies, “Okay okay man, best of luck to you.”  With that Shitty walks away and practices leaving Shitward in his shitty dust. Shitward then starts practicing his clarinet for 3 more hours. A timecard pops up with the narrator saying “4 hours later.” The episode cuts to the stadium, which is the bubble bowl stadium, and many fish and other sea creatures have gathered up to see Squidward and Shitty compete against each other. The host asks everybody to applause for Shitty B who will be going first. The host says, “This piece is called Dick Art after when Mister Vann Dick found out that one of his testicles were missing! Anyways, aside from the fun facts, now for Shitty B!” Everybody applauses and starts fapping. Shitty B starts playing and man does it sound good. The notes are clear without any squeaks and he wanders around the stadium like this is an easy challenge. Once he is finished the whole crowd faps. “Now, for the majestic Shitward Testicles! He will be playing “My Life as a Dick!” Written by Mr. Dick Wad himself! Welp, the stage is yours Shitward.” Nobody claps leaving a lonely cricket to chirp among the stages.

Shitward starts playing and it sound straight out awful. The notes squeak, there is an unnatural balance between notes. Once he finished other people started yelling and booing. The host replies, “Well then. Through my transmitter my judges say that Shitty B is this year’s winner! Congrats! As for Shitward, you get the ‘I am a Douchebag shirt’ to wear for the rest of the day. That’s all for now folks! Later!” Shitward slips on the shirt and groans. Shitty B comes and walks towards Shitward. “Hey Shitward, if it means alot to you, you can have my trophy.” “Really? Thanks!” Shitward replies ready to take it. Shitty B then says, “Are you kidding? After how sexual you were around me? Suck my dick, dumb shit!” Shitward sighs and then SpongeCock and Fatrick come over. “Hey Shitward, can I have some dump all of my shit into your toilet? ” Fatrick asks. Shitward replies, “At this moment I don’t even care.” Shitward’s toilet then spouts out Fatrick’s crap as the episode ends.

Trivia

 * This episode is the one hour Season 1 finale.
 * The title is a play on the phrase "I'm a Rockstar, Smash My Guitar."
 * One June 4, 2017, a Life in Bikini Bottom Short titled "I'm a Rockstar, Smash My Clarinet Trailer" premiered as a trailer for the episode.
 * According to wordcounter.net, the plot is:
 * 1,900 words.
 * 10,788 characters.
 * 102 sentences.
 * 32 paragraphs.
 * College student reading level.
 * 6 minutes, 55 seconds reading time.
 * 10 minutes, 34 seconds speaking time.
 * "Shitward" is used more than any other word.