Planet Asshole

Planet Asshole is the 25th episode of (pat)Rick Figures.

Transcript
(Patrick sits at a table holding a burrito)

Patrick: Oh, sweet burrito, your black beans and rice make my tummy feel nice, and my butthole burn.

(An alien tractor-beam picks up the burrito)

Patrick: The fu--? Wait, no! NO! Burrito, come back! Don't leave me!

(He cries, then SpongeBob walks up with his own burrito)

SpongeBob: Dude, what happened to your burrito?

Patrick: Aliens abducted it!

SpongeBob: Oh, that. Well, they better not drop it off in my shoes again, dick.

Patrick: No, seriously! There was this light and then a WHOOSH and then--

(Two aliens appear from the tractor-beam)

Yellow alien: Greetings, sea creatures.

Pink alien: I am Kcirtap. This is BobEgnops.

(Patrick and SpongeBob gasp)

BobEgnops: We come bearing gifts. Just kidding. We're here to kill you.

SpongeBob: Oh, shit!

Kcirtap: Just kidding. We come in search of food.

BobEgnops: We have scoured the galaxy in seach for acceptable sustenance.

Kcirtap: We traveled to the cloud world of QB-13 Beta and their food was like... meh.

BobEgnops: We also tried the fire planet Ablusphormat, but we were farting for 7,000 lunar cycles.

SpongeBob: Where are you guys from?

BobEgnops: We are from the planet Bi-ki-ni Bo-tom.

SpongeBob: You mean Bikini Bottom?

BobEgnops: No, Bi-ki-ni Bo-tom.

Kcirtap: Your Earth food tubes were the most delicious thing we have discovered.

Patrick: You mean burritos?

Kcirtap: Yes, we demand you give us all your burrito tubes or we'll kill you. Just kidding, but not. We are a humor race.

Patrick: (to SpongeBob) These guys can't tell a joke to save their life!

BobEgnops: Oh, yeah? How 'bout this one? A human traveled to a planet that was hostile to his carbon-based life support systems. He perished abruptly. The humor is in his termination.

(He and Kcirtap laugh)

Patrick: (weakly) Ha...

BobEgnops: See? We're not so different, you and I. You breathe oxygen through your mouths and out of your butts. (Patrick smiles) We breathe oxygen through our butts and into our brains which powers a miniature nuclear reactor. (Patrick smiles bigger)

Kcirtap: We are the same!

Patrick: (to SpongeBob) Dude, let's totally mess with these guys!

SpongeBob: Yeah, yeah!

(Time lapse. All four stand around a toilet. "Dombummel" plays.)

Patrick: This is how we wash our faces!

(Patrick and SpongeBob giggle as BobEgnops gives himself a swirlie)

Patrick: (whispering to SpongeBob) I just pooped in there!

(Time lapse. They stand on the side of a highway.)

SpongeBob: To relax, we jump in front of these metal boxes.

Krirtap: Okay. (Jumps in the road and gets run over.) Excellent. I feel soft everywhere.

(Time lapse. They stand in front of a brick wall somewhere.)

Patrick: To reproduce, we kick each other in the stomach, like this. (He does so to SpongeBob) You're pregnant!

(SpongeBob groans)

Kcirtap: (to Eulb) You are pregnant. (Kicks him in the stomach.)

BobEgnops: Ow.

(Patrick laughs)

(Time lapse. They are back at the table.)

BobEgnops: Your Earth ways are strange.

Kcirtap: And painful.

Patrick: (laughs) Are you kidding? We don't actually kick each other in the stomach, we were just messing with you guys!

BobEgnops: Mmmm. Define messing.

Patrick: You know: Joshin', playin', goofin', foolin', screwin', fuckin'.

SpongeBob: We were mocking you.

(Silence for a few seconds, somber music plays)

Kcirtap: Nooooo.

BobEgnops: You were mocking us?

Patrick: How could we not!?

SpongeBob: Seriously, you guys were totally asking for it!

Kcirtap: Negative.

BobEgnops: (upset) How dare you mocking us?

Patrick: (laughs) Come on, man! Don't be such a puss about it!

BobEgnops: Don't make fun of us, we are weak!

Kcirtap: Our species is powered by self-esteem. You are killing us.

(Patrick and SpongeBob burst out laughing)

BobEgnops: You guys are dicks!

Kcirtap: Yeah!

BobEgnops: We were just going to collect all of your food tubes and leave, but now we are going to rename your planet in the galactic database...

Kcirtap: To Planet Asshole.

SpongeBob: Go for it!

Patrick: Yeah, yeah, that sounds awesome.

BobEgnops: We hate you!

Kcirtap: We are going to reroute an asteroid into your planet's orbital path!

(Patrick and SpongeBob stop laughing)

Kcirtap: Prepared to be destroyed in 86 million Earth years!

(Patrick and SpongeBob resume laughing as the aliens depart)

Patrick: Oh, my God, can you believe those guys?

SpongeBob: What douchebags!

(All the burritos begin to be picked up by the aliens' tractor beam)

Brown Street Artist: (holding onto a telephone wire) Naw! Not our food tubes!

Army Green Street Artist: No!

Patrick: No! Not the burritos! You bastards! Not the burritos!

(The aliens laugh as they abduct the burritos. Suddenly, they get hit by an asteroid.)

Soundtrack
Sounds of Science - Title card and the aliens.

Dramatic Cue (c) - Patrick's burrito getting abducted.

Dombummel - The guys fucking with the aliens.

Sad Parting - The aliens being sad.

Drama Link (b) - The burritos getting abducted.