User blog:FireMatch/oh shit an episode of better days just got leaked

[Episode begins with an exterior shot of the Retirement Complex, cut to an interior shot of Betty’s room. She is seen searching for her glasses.]

BETTY: No… no… nope… nada… how did I misplace those glasses anyhow?

[Mr. Krabs walks into Betty’s room.]

KRABS: Need help there?

BETTY: Nope. I just lost my glasses again, that’s all.

KRABS: Seriously, Betty? That’s the fifth time this week!

BETTY: [Apologetically] It’s part of being old.

KRABS: I’m older than you, yet I still remember when I got me first dollar in great detail.

BETTY: I forgot what color a dollar was.

KRABS: [Sighs] They’re green, Betty.

BETTY: Oh.

KRABS: My point is, there’s no excuse in forgetting your glasses every goddamn day.

BETTY: Well, sorry. I can’t help it.

KRABS: Trust me, you can.

BETTY: How?

KRABS: [scratching his head] I dunno, you could get some medication, maybe? Hmm?

BETTY: There’s a medication for forgettin’? (five second pause) I forget, is there?

[Mr. Krabs facepalms]

[Cut to Muriel, at a coffee shop, alone at a table with a cup of coffee]

MURIEL: [sighs] I wish I could have a mate. It seems like everyone in town has one. Even Walter had one at one point, but his overdosing caused that divorce. Maybe I should start looking for one.

[She approaches a random tall man]

MURIEL: Hey sexy, can I touch your nip-

[She gets slapped right across the face, leaving a huge red mark]

MAN: Weirdo! Go pick on someone your own size!

MAURIEL: Alright, fine!

[She exits the coffee shop with her coffee, and heads back to the retirement home]

MURIEL: Maybe that wasn’t the best idea. [Thinks for a moment] I got it, I’ll work out! Men like that, don’t they?

[We fade to black, end of Act I. 3 Seconds pass. Fade from black beginning Act II, we cut to a shot of Shicowa snoring loudly on his couch. Mr. Krabs enters his room and wakes him up by shaking him]

SHICOWA: Uhh… is that you, Pringles?

KRABS: What the heck is a Pringles?

SHICOWA: Never mind.

KRABS: Anyway, Betty lost her glasses again.

SHICOWA: Again? Seriously, Betty? [shouts towards Betty’s room] Quit forgettin’ everything, you old hag!

BETTY: [in her room, voice muffled] I’m not an old bag! I’m a lady!

SHICOWA: Whatever. Geez, she was the smart one around here for the past few months, and now she’s dumb again. Is this some vicious cycle of hers?

KRABS: I dunno. You’re asking the guy who never heard of Pringles.

SHICOWA: Either way, we need to do something about her forgetfulness.

KRABS: [in an exaggerated voice] But how?

SHICOWA: [in an exaggerated Squidward voice] We need some wheels.

KRABS: Don’t worry, I got just the thing.

SHICOWA: Medication?

KRABS: Hell, no. You want her to end up like Walter?

SHICOWA: [shudders] Anything but that.

KRABS: Then what shall we do?

SHICOWA: I dunno. Maybe, umm… implant a chip into her head?

KRABS: That’s genius!

SHICOWA: Yeah! Let’s do it!

[Cut to Muriel in her room watching an exercise video]

EXERCISE MAN: Now let’s work on those legs! With some push-ups!

MURIEL: Oh, god.

EXERCISE MAN: Let’s go! Down.

[Muriel attempts to do a push-up, but falls to the floor]

EXERCISE MAN: One. Down. Two. Down. Thre-

[Muriel turns off her TV]

MURIEL: [panting] I can’t do this. I need to find another way to get a mate. [thinks for a moment] I know, I’ll use Fin-der!

[She gets on her phone and gets the app]

MURIEL: Time to create my profile. Hehehe.

[She goes onto Giggle and looks up “sexy girls” on the image search, and finds the one she wants to use]

MURIEL: Catfishing is great.

[Time Card: Two hours of catfishing later]

MURIEL: [gasps] I have 300 matches already! Goddamn! I guess I gotta find the guy I like best.

[Time Card: One hour of swiping later]

MURIEL: I think I got carpal tunnel now. But it’s definitely worth it. I found the love of my life. [swoons] Brady.

[Notification sound plays]

MURIEL: He’s texting me! He’s actually texting me! I gotta respond.

ON MURIEL’S PHONE:

BRADY: hey baby, whats up?

MURIEL: nm u?

BRADY: nm. We should meet sometime

MURIEL: ye. Where tho

BRADY: the coffee shop

MURIEL: kk

IN REALITY:

MURIEL: Does he even know where I live? Oh yeah, I forgot I put it in my bio. I’m so damn excited! This is the peak of my life!

[Cut to Shicowa at “Chips ‘R Us, Plus a Bunch of Other Computer Crap” [yes, those exist around here] to buy a memory chip]

SHICOWA (at the front desk): Do you guys happen to have any memory chips?

CHIP STORE CLERK: Of course. We have plenty.

SHICOWA: Good.

CHIP STORE CLERK (holds out a memory chip): That’ll be five dollars.

SHICOWA: That’s cheap. (pulls out the cash) Here you go, ma’am.

CHIP STORE CLERK: Thank you for your service.

SHICOWA: I’m not a war veteran, but you’re welcome either way.

(Cut to Shicowa back in the retirement home)

KRABS: You got the chip?

SHICOWA: Right here.

KRABS: Okay, then. Now we just have to somehow get it inside her head.

SHICOWA: Relax, Eugene. I have a lot of experience with operating on people.

KRABS: If you say so.

SHICOWA: Just let me do my thing.

(Shicowa tiptoes into Betty’s room, where she is snoring very loudly. He grabs a scalpel, and the scene shows Mr. Krabs gagging as Shicowa opens her up and implants the chip into her brain. Shicowa walks out of the room.)

SHICOWA: A job well done.

(Mr. Krabs sprints toward Betty’s bathroom and throws up in the toilet)

KRABS: Anyway, what now?

SHICOWA: All we have to do now is wait.

[End of Act 2]

[Beginning of Act 3]

[Muriel is at the coffee shop, waiting for Bradley to show up]

ON MURIEL’S PHONE:

MURIEL: where u at

BRADY: im at the coffee shop

MURIEL: i dont see u anywhere

BRADY: i dont see u either

MURIEL: take a pic

BRADY: [sends image of random guy taking a selfie]

MURIEL: u sure thats u

BRADY: positive

MURIEL: liar show me what you really look like

BRADY: fine

BRADY: [sends image of him giving the middle finger]

MURIEL: screw you we’re over

BRADY: you’re just some old hag anyway

MURIEL: no u

BACK TO REALITY:

MURIEL: [lays her head down on the table she’s sitting at, tears streaming onto the table]

[Maja walks into the coffee shop and sees Muriel crying]

MAJA: Muriel, are you okay?

MURIEL: Not at all. Brady just broke up with me.

MAJA: Lemme guess, Fin-der?

MURIEL: Yeah.

MAJA: Never trust people on Fin-der, you know. Crap like that happens on a daily basis.

MURIEL: You and Adam have a loving relationship. What’s it like?

MAJA: It’s not as good as you may think. Yeah, it’s great to have a partner, but they can have some serious flaws in them.

MURIEL: Oh.

MAJA: Some people find it best to be single.

MURIEL: I guess.

(Three hours later, Betty wakes up. When she stands up, she feels strange)

BETTY: My brain feels weird. Something’s up with me. Oh, well. I’m old anyway, so I might as well deal with it. Wait a minute. What did Mark say 457 days earlier at 12:05 pm? *gasps* He said that I was a… retard! I gotta get revenge on him!

[She enters Shicowa’s room and slaps him right in the face]

SHICOWA: Ow! What was that for?

BETTY: For calling me a retard 457 days earlier at 12:05 pm.

SHICOWA: How the hell did you know that?

BETTY: I dunno.

SHICOWA: Hold on a second. (Sprays stuff all over Betty, making her pass out)

(Shicowa once again opens up her head, making Mr. Krabs unconsciously go into Betty’s bathroom and puke again)

SHICOWA: Whoa. I didn’t know how old her brain was. There’s literally cobwebs in this brain! I think I know how to cure alzheimer’s once and for all. I’m gonna be famous. I’m gonna change the world! (closes her brain, making Betty conscious again)

KRABS: Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Mark-o.

SHICOWA: No, really. I gotta submit this. I’m gonna be filthy rich! Woo-hoo!

KRABS: How can old people be geniuses anyway? They’re too fat and slow and… fat.

BETTY: [suddenly becoming overweight] Say what now?

KRABS: Nothing, nothing. Anyway, you can’t change the world, Mark. Shicowa: Yes I can, dumbass! [runs over to the post office to send a letter] I’m gonna be stinkin’ rich!

KRABS: This won’t end well.

BETTY: Yeah. He called me fat! (eats celery) [Cut to Muriel on her laptop]

MURIEL: I’m gonna find out where that jerk is hiding, then I’m gonna get my revenge.

[She types stuff on the laptop]

MURIEL: Found him. Living 70 miles ahead. Hoo boy this is gonna be a long trip

[Title Card: 70 painstakingly long miles of driving later]

[Muriel finally stops the car where Brady lives]

MURIEL: This is it. The moment of truth. And revenge.

[She rings his doorbell]

[Brady opens the door. Muriel lays a package on the rug and quickly hides in a bush]

BRADY: Um, hello? [looks at package] Looks like the Picon I ordered. Finally! [opens package to see a rabid Walter inside]

[Walter jumps out, making frothing noises]

BRADY: [screams at the top of his lungs] AAAAAAAHHHH! A crazy person!

[He runs into his car and drives away]

WALTER: [giggles] I knew I could scare him.

[Muriel pops out of the bushes]

MURIEL: I knew you could help.

WALTER: [laughs] No charge, m’lady.

(cut to Shicowa over at the post office. He quickly sends in the letter sent to the President, then he leaves)

(cut back to the retirement home)

SHICOWA: (sarcastically) Did you change the world?

KRABS: Not just yet.

SHICOWA: Welp, too bad. Guess you won’t become famous.

KRABS: Not just yet, Mark! We need patience.

BETTY: From past things you’ve done, I’d say you’re the opposite of patient.

KRABS: Shut up, Betty! Anyway, I say we wait for something to happen.

SHICOWA: Like that’ll happen.

KRABS: Just wait. Hold on, I gotta use the bathroom. (exits room)

BETTY: I say we make a fake news segment so he believes he actually did something.

SHICOWA: Genius! I knew old hags could do stuff!

[Time Card: One Week Later]

SHICOWA: Anything happen yet?

KRABS: Not yet.

SHICOWA: Face it, Eugene, nothing will happen.

BETTY: Wait! Look at the TV!

NEWS ANCHOR [SHICOWA]: Breaking news! Memory chips for the elderly will be available in stores today! These memory chips can be implanted into someone’s head in order to make them… uh…. Less… dumb?

[indistinct muttering]

NEWS ANCHOR [SHICOWA]: Oh, yeah. Anyways, this will change the world!

[Betty pauses]

BETTY: So what do you think?

KRABS: I TOLD YOU SO! (shakes his ass in front of Shicowa and Betty)

SHICOWA: Should we tell him?

BETTY: Definitely not. It’s better for him not to know.

SHICOWA: Agreed.

KRABS: I CHANGED THE WORLD! I’M A GAME CHANGER, WOO HOO! IN YOUR DAMN FACES, OLD HAGS! WOO-HOO!

SHICOWA: Isn’t the bleach in that cabinet over there?

BETTY: Walter drank it all.

SHICOWA: Uh oh. [Darts over to Walter’s room] Don’t drink the yellow bleach, Walter! It’ll get ya killed!

SALESMAN ON TV: Don’t drink bleach! Drink Drain Cleaner!

[Betty giggles, Scene fades to black as episode ends.]