How

How is the seventeenth episode of ParodySponge.

Characters

 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Patrick Star
 * Squidward Tentacles
 * Sandy Cheeks
 * Eugene Krabs (cameo)
 * Feminist (cameo)
 * Johnny Elaine (cameo)
 * Quarantine Officers (cameo)
 * Jesus Sandal (cameo)
 * Scientists (camoes)
 * Laci Green (cameo)
 * Store Owner (cameo)
 * Nancy Suzy Fish (mentioned)
 * Travis (mentioned)
 * Tyce (mentioned)
 * Kelpy G (mentioned)

Plot
A zombie infection breaks out in Bikini Bottom, causing massive chaos throughout the ocean.

Story
The camera zooms at hurtling (that means fast by the way - FAST LIKE SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!) speed across the bustling streets of Bikini Bottom, as SpongeBob can be heard speaking off-screen. “Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Fanon Wiki...where’s the algae’s always greener. Or so it was, until The Terrible Travis became admin. After that, the wiki severely fell apart. People were being banned left and right. For no reason. Even worse than when Tanner was admin. I tried to warn people that he was obsessed with his rights - but no one listened. And now we’ve been left with a completely devastated wiki,” SpongeBob narrated. “Uh...SpongeBob?” Patrick asked. “Yes, Patrick?” SpongeBob asked, turning towards his friend.

“Aren’t you supposed to discussing the zombie apocalypse? Not twisting things so they look much worse than they actually are? Since Travis’ initiation as admin, the wiki has improved severely. Not only are the rules more clear-cut and defined, but users are allowed a more happy and laid-back place site to hang out at,” Patrick pointed out. “But what about him being obsessed with his rights?” SpongeBob asked. “He was joking when he said those things,” Patrick explained. “He was not joking! Now, uh, anyway. Onto the zombie apocalypse,” SpongeBob said.

The camera cut back to Bikini Bottom, a slighter larger than usual bug traveling on the ground. “Now, there was this really ugly bug. Like, really ugly. Even uglier than Travis,” SpongeBob said. One of the feminists had been laying back on a bench, the bug crawling up on her skin. She glanced at it, a deadpan expression her face. “No,” she said dryly. Of course, the bug bit her anyway. “Gah!” the feminist gasped. “Y-You just violated me! You did not get my consent! No means no! You misogynistic pest!” She growled, whipping out a gigantic dildo and attempting to smash the insect with it.

Cut to The Krusty Krab

Patrick entered the restaurant, which had been packed with people. “I’ll have one large Krabby Patty!” he ordered, walking up to the register. “Any sides with that?” Squidward asked, his body expression giving off that he was bored. “Uh…” Patrick said, glancing up at the menu. “Should I have kelp rings or coral bits? Kelp rings or coral bits...I’ll take...No. Um, wait. Hold on. Cor- Kel. I-. Uh...Hm...Uh....” Patrick said, trying to decide which meal to order. “Would you hurry it up already?!” Squidward shouted. “Okay! Okay! Geez, you don’t need to scream,” Patrick said, crossing his arms. “You know, I’ll just take both!” he grinned. “It’s your funeral,” Squidward muttered, turning his body towards the window behind him.

“SpongeBob!” Squidward shouted. SpongeBob quickly zoomed up to the other side of the window, grinning at the fellow employee. “What is it, Squidward? Here to admit that you’ve finally accepted our lord and savior Jesus Sandal into your heart?” SpongeBob asked. “No,” Squidward said dryly. “Oh,” SpongeBob said, the grin disappearing off his face. “I’m here to give you the next order. One large Krabby Patty and a side of kelpy rings and coral bits,” Squidward said. “Got it! I’ll be right on it!” the sea sponge exclaimed.

At that moment, the episode of Leader Plankton! the TV was playing suddenly switched off, being replacing with a report by Johnny Elaine. “We interrupt this program for an important news announcement,” Johnny began. “Good. That show’s a piece of shit,” Squidward commented. “I think it’s pretty good,” Patrick said. “Well, of course you do. You’re an idiot,” Squidward bashed. “I am not an idiot! ...What’s an idiot again?” Patrick said defensively, his tone soon changing into one of confusion. “It would seem like a new kind of illness is on its’ way. Earlier today, a woman whose name will be kept secret so anti-SJWs don’t go around bashing her on the internet, fell victim to a never-before-seen illness. The symptoms she’s suffered can be compared to the ones often seen in zombie apocalypse movies,” Johnny stated.

“Travis is going with zombies? Really? How predictable,” Squidward rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. “It’s a parody, Mr. Squidward,” Eugene pointed out. Suddenly, a bunch of quarantine officers burst into the building. “Quick! Everyone get out! This building needs to quarantined right away!” one of the officers shouted. The customers soon got into the panic, running out of the restaurant. “Hey! Hey! Hey! What’s the meaning of this?! You’re chasing all my customers away!” Eugene complained, running up to the officers. “Sir, there’s been a break-out of a serious illness. It’s all around. We have to quarantine this place,” an officer stated.

“Where have most of the break-outs been happening?” Sandy asked. “Mostly in just random spaces outside,” the officer answered. “So...if most of the break-outs have occurred outside, aren’t you putting more people in risk by sending them all outside?” Sandy asked, crossing his arms. “Well, of course. We work for the government. It’s our job to hurt citizens under the guise of helping them,” the quarantine officer answered, walking past the characters and beginning to investigate the restaurant.

The Next Day

The front door of SpongeBob’s pineapple creaked in, the absorbent creature peeping his eyes out to see what was going on. What he saw was someone in a cloak spraypainting something on his friend’s rock. He decided to leave his home, confronting the cloaked stranger. “Excuse me, but what exactly are you doing to Patrick’s rock?” SpongeBob asked. “Don’t you see the carnage taking place all around you?” the figure asked. “Indeed I do. But you know what’s really causing all of this? It’s Travis’ promotion to admin. That’s the true cause for all this destruction…” SpongeBob stated. “Yes, well I’m the solution,” the figure stated, pulling down his hood to reveal the face of none other than Jesus Sandal. “JESUS SANDAL?!” SpongeBob gasped. “That’s me. Jesus Sandal,” Jesus said. “Jesus Sandal,” SpongeBob repeated. “Jesus Sandal,” he nodded. “Jesus Sandal,” the sea sponge grinned. “GEE SAUS SAND DALE” Jesus announced. “Gee-Zess Send-All,” the yellow one repeated. “Okay, shut up now. This episode is already too long and you’re just making it longer,” Jesus said. “Yeah, you’re right. Travis’ piece of shit episodes should definitely be kept as short as possible,” SpongeBob agreed. “It’s not possible for them to be anything near how short you dick is though,” Jesus said. SpongeBob’s eyes widened at this.

Later That Night

SpongeBob and Patrick had been walking through the street together, chatting about the complete bullshit that Tyce caused. “So, did you hear that Travis got globally blocked?” Patrick asked. “That’s what happens when you’re obsessed with your rights,” SpongeBob said. The duo then stopped, witnessing a group of white-suited scientists arguing with Sandy and Squidward. “White-suited scientists, huh? I wonder why their suits are white,” Patrick commented.

“Look, squirrel, calm down. I’m telling you, this is just a really advanced flu. It’s not a ‘zombie virus’. I mean, come on. What do you think this is, a children's comedy cartoon fanfiction written by some lame globally blocked 14 year old with no friends?” the scientist smirked, crossing his arms. “Well, if this is a fanfiction, then it’s a really bad one,” Squidward said. “I’ve gotta agree with you there. But enough of this pointless conversation! I will now threaten to kill you both without reason! “ the scientist shouted, taking out a jar of large swarming paramecium.

“Gah! What the hell are those things?!” Squidward questioned, stepping away from the scientists. “They’re paramecium, a genus of unicellular conciliated protozoan, commonly studied as a representative of the ciliate group. Paramecia are widespread in freshwater, brackish, and marine environments and are often very abundant in stagnant basins and ponds,” the scientist explained. “Oh. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!” Squidward shouted, running away from the others.

“Pft, what a baby,” Sandy said, crossing her arms and smirking. The scientist then opened the jar, the paramecium quickly latching onto her. “'GGGGGGGGAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! 'Oh, god! This is terrible! Absolutely terrible! Even worse than the time Tyce was promoted to content mod!” Sandy shouted in pain. Squidward stopped in his footsteps, turning back around to watch the horror scene. “Oh my god...This is actually pretty hot,” Squidward grinned. “You think someone being viciously ripped apart by a mutated virus is hot? What the hell is wrong with you?!” Patrick questioned, walking over to the octopus. “Hey! Don’t kinkshame him! What turns him on is none of your business!” Laci Green shouted.

“Laci Green? What are you doing here?” SpongeBob asked. “Those scientists just tried to kill me without my consent! Can you believe that?!” Laci ranted. “Considering they’re the villains, yes," Squidward said dryly, crossing his tentacles. “Pft, Squidward. Don’t be ridiculous. The scientists are just an elaborate cover-up for the real villain of this story!” SpongeBob said. “Oh, really? And who would the ‘real villain’ be?” Squidward asked. “Travis of course! He acts extremely callous and rude towards certain users, telling them to shut up, and generally ostracizing them among other things! I’m telling you guys! He’s obsessed with his rights! If we don’t stop him soon, the entire wiki will be destroyed!” SpongeBob warned.

“The wiki?! SpongeBob! The entire ocean could be destroyed! Shouldn’t we be more worried about that than some stupid website?” Squidward pointed out. “Pft, who cares about the ocean? Once this place gets destroyed, we can all die peacefully and hang out with Jesus Sandal in Heaven!” SpongeBob grinned. “If the ocean gets destroyed, then so does the wiki,” Squidward said dryly. SpongeBob’s eyes widened in realization. “Gah! We’ve got to save the ocean!” SpongeBob shouted, running towards Barg ‘n’ Mart, crashing straight into the door. “...Ow,” he whimpered.

Soon, Sandy returned to the others, her suit covered in blood. “Gah! Sandy! Are you okay?! I can’t even begin to imagine what those paramecium did t-” Patrick began but was shushed by Sandy placing her hand over his mouth. “Shut up you damn starfish! This blood isn’t mine...I didn’t get attacked by the paramecium. Luckily, Nancy Suzy Fish had been walking by right when the scientists unleashed them on me. So, like the genius that I am, I grabbed ahold of her and used her as a shield! So she got killed instead,” Sandy explained. “Eeewww! Get this glove off of me! It’s covered in blood!” Patrick demanded, pushing Sandy’s hand away from him. “I think some of it got in my mouth! Oh, that’s disgusting!” he whimpered.

The others walk over to the store, opening the door and walking inside. SpongeBob then fell off the door, his face smashing into the concrete ground. He soon got up, all his teeth falling out. “Well, at least I won’t accidentally bite while performing oral on myself anymore,” he said to himself. He glanced at the door, soon realizing that the others were already inside. “Gah! Hey, wait for me!” he called out, rushing into the store as well.

Inside the store, several of the scientists the gang had encountered earlier could be seen purchasing groceries. Sandy glares, approaching the nefarious group. “Ah, Sandy. Remember the time Wikia Staff deleted one of the best fanfictions in the universe?” one of the scientists questioned. “Indeed I do. Suffice to say, it wasn’t a very pleasant memory,” Sandy crossed her arms. Suddenly, a zombie smashed into one of the windows, a bloody smear being left behind as it could be heard moaning Kelpy G’s name.

“Aha! You can’t possibly that’s not a zombie, now can you?” Sandy smirked. “Well..you know what, I hate to admit it, but you’re right. We’ve spent so much time trying to find a rational explanation...I guess it was all for nothing. There’s no way to explain this,” the scientist sighed. “Hey man, I know what you’re dealing with. I myself spent a lot of time trying to find a rational explanation for why anyone would support Tyce’s content mod request. There’s just no explanation for some things,” Sandy comforted, placing a hand on the other’s shoulder.

She then got up, walking back over to the main gang. “Where the hell were you?” Patrick asked. “You weren’t hanging out with Satan again, were you?! Sandy, that man will corrupt your mind!” SpongeBob warned. “I wasn’t hanging out with Satan! I was the scientists. Turns out they’re not to blame for this after all,” she stated. “Whatever. Just get a weapon. A pointless and expected action scene is about to begin,” Squidward said. “What should I get?” Sandy asked. “Anything sharp or hard will do,” Squidward said.

“I’ve got something hard for you, Sandy~” SpongeBob purred, sliding over to the squirrel. “Actually, I just remembered - we saved a hammer especially for you,” Squidward said, handing her a hammer. “DAMN IT SQUIDWARD!” SpongeBob growled. “Wow, you guys are taking forever. Let’s hurry and kill these damn zombies already!” Patrick complained, breaking the wall open with his anvil, causing a whole bunch of zombies to pour into the store. “CHARGE!” Patrick shouted, beginning to attack one of the zombies. Squidward, Sandy, and SpongeBob then also picked a zombie of their own to beat down.

After doing so, the four reunited. “Four zombie kills. That’s not too bad, but remember - we’ve still hardly done anything,” Squidward said. “Well, I would do Sandy, but she won’t let me!” SpongeBob whined. “I didn’t mean it like that,” Squidward said dryly. “...Oh,” SpongeBob said. “Now hang on one second. Didn’t the author say that zombies ‘poured in’? Four zombies entering the store isn’t really the same thing as ‘zombies pouring in’,” Sandy pointed out. “He probably just wanted to make out the scene to be more intense without actually doing the work of writing a scene that intense,” Patrick explained. “Makes sense,” SpongeBob shrugged.

Suddenly, the store owner stormed over angrily to the group, shaking his fist in the air. “HEY! You idiots just destroyed my store! What the hell is wrong with you?! You’re paying for this, you know!” he complained. “But we don’t have enough money to pay off all this!” SpongeBob exclaimed. “Too bad! You should’ve thought about that before destroying my property!” the store owner ranted. “Is this guy giving you guys trouble, Sandy?” the scientist asked, walking over to the group. “Yes...yes, he is,” Sandy smirked. “Well, alrighty then,” the scientist said, taking out the jar of paramecium and releasing it on the store owner. A ear-piercing sound could be heard coming out of the mouth of the store owner, before his existence to reduced to just that of a skeleton. “Thanks for that,” Sandy said. “No problem! I do love killing people after all!” the scientist grinned.

“Welcome to New Bikini Bottom...the real home of the brave. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride. Also, did it seriously take six months for this episode to finally air? What the hell, Travis?” SpongeBob ranted.

Trivia

 * This marks the first episode of Season 2, as well as 2016.