Squidward's Suicide

Squidward's Suicide is the thirty-first episode of Livin' With The Squid.

Characters

 * Squidward Tentacles
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Patrick Star
 * Steve Pavot
 * Technetium (cameo)

Plot
After Squidward begins to contemplate suicide, SpongeBob calls up Steve Pavot, a professional "suicide preventer".

Story
“Do you think Squidward will let us move back into his house?” SpongeBob asked, walking out of the Krabs residence along with Patrick. “Oh, come on, SpongeBob. You’re the founder of Pineapple Farms. You can just buy the house from him,” Patrick said, the two of them eventually reaching the house and opening it, only to find Squidward sobbing on the ground. “NNNNNOOOO!!!! WHY?! WHY?! I hate this frickin’ world! I hate my frickin’ life! I’m gonna kill myself right now!” the squid cried out in an extremely high voice.

“I’m deaf again. What did he say?” SpongeBob asked. “Oh, he just hates his life and is gonna kill himself. Nothing major,” Patrick answered with a shrug. “KILL HIMSELF?! Squidward, you can’t do that!” SpongeBob shouted, quickly running over to his friend. “And why not?” Squidward asked, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Because you have so much to live for!” SpongeBob grinned. “Like what?” Squidward asked, looking at his roommate. “Uh, well, that’s a good question,” SpongeBob said.

Squidward once used to enjoy his life

Laughing at people on Pineapple Farms

But then his videos got posted  there

He went totally batshit crazy, yo

So now he’s gonna commit suicide

And well let’s just say

It couldn’t of gotten any worse!

“Get off of me!” Squidward growled, pushing SpongeBob off of him and quickly running upstairs and into his room. “What a baby,” Patrick muttered. “TIME TO DIE! I’ll be able to rest peacefully in Hell!” the nutcase said to himself, quickly whipping out a knife and placing it towards his heart. “QUICK! PATRICK! We’ve gotta call Steve Pavot the Suicide Preventer! We’ve gotta call him!” SpongeBob said. “So, instead of blabbering about how much you need to call him, how about you actually call him?” Patrick suggested dryly, crossing his arms.

“THERE’S NO TIME! I’ll have to call him instead!” SpongeBob exclaimed. “That’s what I just said!” Patrick pointed out. “NO EXCUSES!” the sea sponge shouted, dialing up the aforementioned suicide preventer. “Hello? Steve Pavot the Suicide Preventer? Yes, this is an emergency! My best friend’s about to commit suicide! You’ve gotta come here quickly!” SpongeBob pleaded.

“Hey! Wait a minute! I thought I was your best friend!” Patrick growled. “Patrick! Squidward’s about to commit suicide and this is all you can think about?!” SpongeBob said. “Dude! He threw an entire party celebrating my death! I say we let him die,” Patrick muttered. “PATRICK! How dare you say such a thing!” SpongeBob gasped. “You know, he actually makes quite a good point. Squidward is a murderous alcoholic. It’s probably best to let him die,” Technetium stated.

“When did you get here?” SpongeBob asked. “I live here,” Technetium said dryly. “Yeah, living here for free! Maybe you should start paying me for letting you stay here, buddy!” Patrick growled. Suddenly, a purple and turquoise van crashed into the house. Out of it came a purple fish wearing a turquoise vest. “How can I be of service?” he asked.

“MY FRIEND IS ON THE VERGE OF COMMITTING SUICIDE! You’ve gotta help us!” SpongeBob burst. “Hm, any idea on why he’s committing suicide?” Steve asked. “Oh, that’s easy! We posted a whole bunch of videos of him doing embarrassing stuff on Pineapple Farms, an online forum dedicated to laughing at crazy people!” SpongeBob explained. “Well, great work there young lad! It’s always good to bully people! It can make them depressed! Which in turn can make them think of suicidal thoughts! Which gets me business!” Steve grinned, quickly running upstairs into Squidward’s room.

He kicked down the door, his eyes widening. “OH YEAH! THIS IS A DAMN GOOD ONE! SUCH A DAMN GOOD ONE INDEED!” Squidward moaned loudly in a high-pitched voice, digging the knife from earlier up into his ass. “W-WHAT THE HELL?!” Steve gasped, stepping back from the squid. “GAH! Y-You w-weren’t supposed to see that!” Squidward said nervously, grabbing a blanket and covering himself with it.

“Well, I did. And you know, Mr. Squid With A Gigantic Nose? I think I may be able to help you...If you take the blanket away of course,” Steve said seductively. “Ooh~ I know where this is going,” Squidward smirked, removing the blanket and positioning his ass in front of Steve’s face. “Now let’s get this party started!” Steve grinned, violently pushing the knife into his ass. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MY ASSHOLE! MY FRICKIN’ ASSHOLE! Steve, you just stabbed my frickin’ asshole!” Squidward shouted in his high-pitched voice.

“Exactly! Now I bet you won’t want to play with your ass anymore!” Steve smirked. “Y-You’re right. I don’t. BUT I STILL HAVE MY DICK!” Squidward grinned. “Not anymore, sucker!” Steve grinned, quickly chopping off Squidward’s nose. “Gah! What the frick, man?! That was my nose!” Squidward exclaimed in his high-pitched voice, covering the area where his nose used to be. “Huh, really? It looks like a dick,” Steve said, picking up Squidward’s nose off the floor, before plopping it in his mouth.

“Why, it even tastes like a dick!” Steve said, chewing on the body part. “Well, that’s because I ****ed on it earlier today,” Squidward explained nonchalantly. Steve’s eyes widened, quickly spitting out the nose. “EEEEEEWWWW! That’s so gross! That’s so gross, man!” he said, cringing in disgust. “Oh, come on. What are you, a second grader? Stop sex shaming,” Squidward said, crossing his tentacles.

“Second graders don’t know about sex,” Steve said, a deadpan tone in his voice. “I did when I was a second grader,” Squidward said. “...What did your parents do to you?” Steve asked in a disturbed voice. “Very...terrible...things…” Squidward grinned, his eye twitching. “...Okay then. But there’s something you need to know! Masturbuating is terrible and you should feel terrible for doing it!” Steve shouted. “It’s not that bad. It’s just a way to release repressed feelings of sexual-” Squidward said nonchalantly but was interrupted by the “suicide preventer”.

“It is that bad! It is that bad! The very point of sexual feelings is for them to be repressed! I mean, come on, man! And if you still think, masturbating’s okay, just look at all these comments about you on Pineapple Farms! You’re a terrible person! A disgrace to the world! And you deserve to die!” Steve growled, taking out his phone and showing Squidward all the comments made about him on Pineapple Farms. “Y-You’re...right. I am a terrible person! I deserve to die! Oh frick, what is wrong with me?!” Squidward whimpered, tears in his eyes. He quickly grabbed a box of cyanide pills, plopping them in his mouth. “Goodbye cruel world!” he shouted, quickly falling to the floor soon afterwards. Suddenly, SpongeBob and Patrick burst into the room. “Squidward!” SpongeBob gasped. “Hey! He stole my cyanide pills! That jerk!” Patrick growled.

Trivia

 * This is the longest episode of Livin' With The Squid.
 * This episode continues off of the previous one.
 * This episode was first confirmed on chat, with The Terrible Travis calling it a "suicide prevention episode".
 * Squidward's sexual desire for Steve in this episode contradicts "The Squidward Effect", in which he is revealed to be asexual.
 * This is a real Creepypasta online.