Adventures of Patman and the Sploser

Adventures of Patman and the Sploser is the 21st episode of (pat)Rick Figures.

Transcript
Auto-Tuned Seabee: We're back, motherfucker!

(Shots of Bikini Bottom.)

Patrick (narrating as Patman): This city is a disease. The night is filled with the cries of the innocent as the unjust prey upon the weak. Corruption runs through its veins like a toxin, poisoning its citizens. (He's shown on a rooftop) Crushing every last hope they have. Except for 1... me... (Patrick's face is shown. He is wearing a cape & he has bat ears on his hat.) Patman.

(SpongeBob walks up, also wearing a cape & mask.)

SpongeBob: Who are you talking to?

Patman: Ah, the Sploser. The world's most depressing superhero. (Scans the city.)

Sploser: I don't wanna talk about it.

Patman: Your name makes you sound like "loser".

Sploser: What? No! It's because I'm a sponge & I'm a total bruiser. The Sploser.

Patman: Worst, name, ever.

Sploser: Better than freaking Patma--

Patman: Shush, shush, shush, shush. I'm picking something up with my hyper-hearing. (A high-pitched squeaking noise is heard.) It's commissioner Fred Cop! Let's go! (He flies off of the building as Bloser takes the stairs. They both make it to Fred Cop [the officer from Snail Amazing], who's on the ground, dying & coughing.) What happened here?

Fred Cop: He-- (cough) he flew in and teabagged everybody.

Patman: (laughs) What?

Fred Cop: He said that he wanted to turn the whole world into black & white.

Sploser: The world's already gray to me.

Patman: Shut up, Sploser!

Fred Cop: Oh, my God, he's so depressing.

Patman: Who did this?

Fred Cop: Ugh... You... you have to stop him. We all look... so boring now.

(Fred Cop coughs out grey blood & dies.)

Patman: He's dead.

Sploser: Just like I am inside.

Patman: There's only 1 villain who could be so colorblind.

British villain: (laughs) And that 1 villain is me: Plank Grey!

Patman: You!

Plank Grey: Ah, the city's favorite hero, Patman, and his sad little friend, Sploser. Here to save the day right on schedule. (laughs) Speaking of schedule, IT'S TEA TIME! (Drinks out of cup.)

(He throws his cup at Patman & Sploser, which explodes as the 2 dive out of the way.)

Sploser: Damn that caf-fiend!

Patman: Let's break his bank!

(Patman flies up to Plank Grey, who throws a monocle at Sploser, which cuts his arm.)

Sploser: Aah! A diamond encrusted monocle!

Patman: He's got so much bling!

Plank Grey: (laughs) Quite pathetic, quite. You really wanna play with the upper crust? How about some badminton?

(He uses force to pick up cars and throws them at Batman.)

Patman: In the pacific ocean, we play baseball!

(Patman dives up to the cars. He blows 1 of them up with his lasers ' & he kicks the other 1 out of the way)

Plank Grey: Here, it's about time I deposit some of my stocks & bombs!

(He throws the bombs, which turn people of different colors into grey. One of them hits Lord Puff-rettes, who falls to the ground & turns grey.)

Sploser: Lord Puff-rettes, no!

Lord Puff-rettes: Oh, why this shade looks perfectly GAY on me! (Giggles.)

Plank Grey: Oh, no, it appears I've made quite a mess. Butlers! (His butlers appear on the rooftops.) Do my dirty work!

(The butlers jump down at Patman & Sploser, who fight back  all of them. Patman & Sploser use lasers as well as normal fighting.)

Sploser: (whilst shooting a depression beam at the butlers) You're unemployed! You were adopted! Global warming! No one loves you! You're getting old! Your parents are dead!

Patman: (deep voice) Too soon.

Plank Grey: (laughing) Yes!

Patman: (Beating up some butlers) We gotta take out Earl Grey!

Sploser: We need something colorful! (Patman & Sploser continue to fight.) Wait, I have an idea! Patrick, shoot your eye lasers right when I tell you & this just might work.

(Patman doesn't listen.)

Sploser: Patrick?!

Patman: That's not my name!

Sploser: (holding a midget butler) Do I really have to?

Patman: Yes. (weakly karate chops a butler)

Sploser: Patman, shoot lasers out of your eyes when I tell you-

Patman: (heroic voice) I'm PATMAN! (flies up)

(Sploser gets a prism out & holds it up high.)

Plank Grey: What? Impossible!

Sploser: Hey, Plank Grey! Know what happens to criminals?

Patman: They go to prism. phew phew!

(Patman shoots lasers at the prism, which reflect into color into Plank Grey. Plank Grey screams & explodes. Colour shoots out at all of the people, who turn back into their original colours, including Lord Puff-rettes. Lord Puff-rettes runs up to Patman & Sploser.)

Lord Puff-rettes: Oh. Fan-FUCKING-tastic, you 2! You're heroes!

Sploser: I was a hero before it was cool.

(Lord Puff-rettes slaps him.)

(Shots of Bikini Bottom.)

Patman: (narrating) Crime: It will always haunt this city. But where there are thieves, justice will be watching. Where there are liars, the truth will rise to meet them. And where there are villains, there will always be 1 hero ready to fuck their shit up. Me.

(Patrick is shown on the rooftop with Sploser next to him.)

Patman: Patman!

Sploser: And me, Sploser!

Patman: But, uh, mostly Patman. Justice-ho! (flies away)

Sploser: The Sploser! (Jumps off of the building and falls.) Oh, wait - I can't fly!

Soundtrack
The Lineman - Title card.