Weirdo Leader

Weirdo Leader is the second episode of the first season of The Ruler of the Seven Seas. It is the second episode overall.

Synopsis
SpongeBob announces his nomination to run for President of the Pacific Republic, and he recruits Patrick, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs to help.

Transcript
Nat Peterson woke up at 2 A.M. He heard strange thumping noises above. “I hope it’s not that Squilvia,” he muttered. He grabbed a flashlight and began walking through the hallway. The thumping sound seem to have come from the roof. He got a ladder slowly and opened up the attic until…

“Hey, Nat,” Patrick said dryly. Nat screamed as there was a fat seastar on his roof, falling down the ladder and hitting his head, knocking him unconscious. “Nat’s down. We can take over his house and food!” Patrick hollered to his friends. Mr. Krabs grabbed and carried Nat’s body, stole his wallet, and put him into a closet. SpongeBob and Pearl jumped down. They were all so tired and slept in the hallway.

“SpongeBob, get up!” Mr. Krabs screamed. SpongeBob opened his eyes, confused. “Fry us up some Krabby Patties, me boy, we’re staying here for a while,” Krabs said. SpongeBob walked to the living room, past the closet where Nat Peterson is. “HELP ME PLEASE,” Nat shrieked as he heard SpongeBob walk by. In the living room, he sees Pearl watching Girly Teen Girl “Ooh, yes!” Pearl screamed in delight. “We never have Teen-oriented TV since daddy is a cheapskate!” she said gleefully. Suddenly, Patrick changed the channel. “How does this cringey crap show love? I only watch real romance,” Patrick commented. Livin’ With The Squid is on.

Squilvia ran up to Squidward. "Wanna have s**?" she asked. "Ew, no way!" Squidward shouted. "I'll have s** with you!" Finster grinned. Squilvia frowned and shoved him into the tub as it closed up. "NOW WE HAVE S**!" Squilvia shouted. "Um, no. Not interested," Squidward said, walking back into his house and slamming the door shut.

Squilvia busted through the door, searching for Squidward. She broke into SpongeBob's room where both SpongeBob and Patrick were practicing modern dance. "Why the heck does Squidward have you guys living in his house? Is he gay?" Squilvia asked.

Patrick laughed. “You see Pearl, this is real romance. Squidward and Squilvia are ready to have kids,” Patrick said to Pearl. “Um, no. It’s made by a smelly 12-year-old gay weirdo who has no friends at school! He doesn't even make any new episodes!” Pearl yelled. “Well, that’s not very nice. At least he’s in a relationship, gay or not,” Patrick said dryly. “He’s a damn fool, just like you. No wonder the community lost faith in him and he got globalled. How did he become a bureaucrat at the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki? How did he become admin? HOW IS HE A REGULAR USER?!” Pearl screamed. “Woah woah woah there, there’s a SpongeBob Fanon Wiki?” Patrick, asked. “Yes, you idiot, this transcript is meant to be posted there,” Pearl replied. Suddenly, Mr. Krabs pounded a table. “Pearl, stop breaking the fourth wall! Turn on the news, like our house got burned yesterday!” Krabs said, annoyed.

SpongeBob finished cooking the Krabby Patties. Patrick turned on the news. Perch Perkins was speaking:

This morning, Neptune is confirmed dead and Triton and Mindy are now missing. The government is planning to make a republic, but before any constitution happens. We need a leader. If you’d like to run for leader register yourself by the end of next week.

Mr. Krabs choked. “Jesus Sandal,” he gasped. “At 5,007 years old, Neptune is no more,” SpongeBob said solemnly. “Wait...how could a god die?” Patrick asked. “I don’t know...maybe it’s BECAUSE THAT FOOLISH CREATOR WANTED IT!” Pearl screamed. “Pearl, why are you sad?” Mr. Krabs asked. “BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE FRIENDS!” she responded, sobbing.

“Hey SpongeBob, get me daughter some mattresses to sneeze on,” Mr. Krabs barked. But SpongeBob was not there. “Where is that wet sponge?” Patrick said. “I don’t know, we should look around,” Krabs replied.

SpongeBob escaped from the house, and went to the park. It was rainy and dark. He reached in his front pocket, touching a soft specimen. That specimen was tight. Hard to grasp. He started pulling it violently. “Harder...harder,” SpongeBob muttered. Suddenly, he went cool. He opened up his hand to see a white...photo of Bernie Sanders. “Why was it so hard to get out of my pocket,” he said. But then he saw something else in his pocket. It was a note that read:

Call Kelp Garrison and Travis Pineapple, Political Commentator Duo, attorneys at politics. (369) 369-369. Yeah, we have that because we are SO lucky.

SpongeBob accidently took the note from the sack he was kidnapped in a few days ago. He looked back and forth between the note and the Bernie photo. Then, he looked at a payphone a few feet away. He muttered to himself, “I know what I must do”.

Trivia

 * This episode was released on the third anniversary of Livin' With The Squid, which was refrenced when Pearl snorted how Travis (the series creator) didn't make any new episodes for the event.
 * This is the first episode to focus on the primary campaign story-arc, not the wider plot.