Film (episode transcript)

SCENE I

(Spongebob and Patrick are sitting in the living room of their home, watching football on the television. The teams playing are watching Bristol Crown, Spongebob's favourite team, and Pacífico FC, Patrick's favourite. This quite obviously is going to set up some friendly conflict. 

On the telly, a player for Pacífico, garbed in white, takes a corner kick and launches the ball near Crown's goal.)

SPONGEBOB: Stop him!

PATRICK: C'mon, c'mon, you can do this!

(The player fires one next to two Crown defenders, garbed in black and red, and it soars past the goalkeeper into the net. The score is now 1-0.')

SPONGEBOB: No!

PATRICK: Yes! Someone just got owned!

SPONGEBOB: Patrick, when will you learn?

PATRICK: Why do I need to learn? I'm already sufficiently educated when it comes to my football!

SPONGEBOB: Come back to the dark side, Patrick. (whispering in Patrick's ear) We have treacle tart.

PATRICK: The way your granny makes treacle tart is rather nice, but her clotted cream is pathetic.

SPONGEBOB: Just use whipped cream or ice cream instead. It's not like you're lactose intolerant.

PATRICK: Poor Alex...

SPONGEBOB: Yeah, she does miss out on some good things due to her medical condition, no?

PATRICK: She doesn't seem to mind that much.

SPONGEBOB: She hasn't known anything else.

(On screen, a commentator speaks.)

COMMENTATOR: No final do regulamento, Pacífico puxou finalmente juntos e marcou o gol da vitória. Após 90 minutos, o resultado é Pacífico uma, e Coroa zero. Esta foi uma apresentação do ERG, obrigado por assistir essa rivalidade intensa hoje! (At the end of regulation, Pacífico finally pulled it together and scored the winning goal. After 90 minutes, the score is Pacífico one, and Crown zero. This has been a presentation of the GBC; thanks for watching this intense rivalry today!)

SPONGEBOB: Damnit! And that was the last game of the season!

PATRICK: Guess what that means.

SPONGEBOB: Sure, you'll be ahead of us. But Alpiarça will still have more points, and therefore will be the winner of the Premier Division.

PATRICK: Crap, hadn't thought of that. Oh well, we'll be back next season.

SPONGEBOB: You all are getting that one Brazilian player next season if that loan from São Paulo works out, right?

PATRICK: And it appears to be working in our favour.

SPONGEBOB: Ah, hell. We'll figure something out.

PATRICK: Good luck.

SPONGEBOB: Shut up. (Stands up) So, you wanna go see a movie?

PATRICK: I'm only interested in four myself- Samba, Magical *******, Porno 3: Midget Fun Time and Mushroom Cloud.

SPONGEBOB: Me too. Those seem to be the only interesting things out right now. Perhaps we should discuss this in the car? Also, we need to check film times.

PATRICK: I'll do that. (Pulls out iPhone and toys around with it) If it's an absurdly long wait for the next movie, we'll screw around at someplace around there. Agreed?

SPONGEBOB: Yeah, they have a bunch of avant-garde places around there. It should be fun. I've heard Alex is there as we speak, so maybe we'll run into her...

PATRICK: Yummy.

SPONGEBOB: Hell, man, I don't blame you (or any of us) at all; she's the only sane person/vixen in this team of misfits.

PATRICK: I wouldn't quite say misfits myself.

SPONGEBOB: How would you describe the men of the group, then?

PATRICK: Jerks with good intentions.

SPONGEBOB: At times, my friend. At times.

(Right then, the doorbell rings.)

SPONGEBOB: I'll get it.

(Spongebob strolls over to the door, unlocks it, and opens it. From the living room, Patrick hears suggestive noises and rushes over to investigate.)

PATRICK: Spongebob!

(Patrick reaches the front door, and finds that a Japanese mailman, with a riceburner motorcycle as a vehicle, is giving Spongebob a rack of cookies. Spongebob, having already eaten, doesn't want to, but the aroma draws him towards the cookies. Patrick decides to have a little fun with Japanese stereotypes.)

PATRICK: Hello, sir! Do you like rice?

(Turning his attention to Patrick, the mailman is flustered, obviously insulted.)

MAILMAN: I do not rike rice! I hate rice! That racist comment! You racist comment!

PATRICK: I'm a racist comment?

MAILMAN: Nevermind! Good day to you two! (storms off)

(Spongebob shuts the door.)

PATRICK: Well, that was different.

SPONGEBOB: It was probably symbolic of rape.

PATRICK: Whoa.

SPONGEBOB: Yeah. Trippy.

THEME SONG PLAYS

SCENE II

(Spongebob and Patrick get in their sedan, pull out of the driveway, and start exiting the University neighbourhood.)

PATRICK (iPhone in hand): At minimum, we'd have about 2.5 hours to screw around at 4 at most.

SPONGEBOB: What film is closest, and which is farthest?

PATRICK: In order from closest to farthest, that would be Porno 3, Magical *******, Mushroom Cloud and Samba.

SPONGEBOB: It's 1500 hours, so if we saw Samba, we'd probably be back at about 10:30, including trailers.

PATRICK: It's Saturday.

SPONGEBOB: True. I'll call Squidward to let him know about the film thing.

PATRICK: Go ahead and do that. I'll call Alex and see if she's there.

(Just then, Spongebob gets a call; it's from Squidward.)

SPONGEBOB: Hello?

SQUIDWARD: Hey, guys. Is Patrick with you?

SPONGEBOB: Yeah, he's right here in the car with me.

SQUIDWARD: Could I talk to him for a second?

SPONGEBOB: Sure. (hands phone to Patrick) It's Squidward. He wants to talk to you.

PATRICK: Hello?

SQUIDWARD: Yeah. I'm here. I need to tell you something.

PATRICK: Go ahead.

SQUIDWARD: Your mom's out of the loony bin, and she's quite seriously pissed.

PATRICK (Dumbfounded): At what?

SQUIDWARD: She's pissed because I'm your legal guardian and have been for the past 16 years. She may be trying to stalk you, because she's in the town today.

PATRICK: Ah, Christ.

SQUIDWARD: There's just about nothing you can do, so the best I can tell you guys is to resume normally, but to keep an eye. Do you have pepper spray?

PATRICK: Spongebob bought a dozen things of it the other day, and we've got some of them here.

SQUIDWARD: Good. Two or three things should be sufficient. We can't take any risks, so meet up with your friends or something. And be back by eleven if you're going to town.

PATRICK: No problem, Squid. See ya. (hangs up and hands phone back to Spongebob) It was Squidward. My mom's out of the nuthouse and might be stalking us.

SPONGEBOB: While you were on the phone, I contacted Alex and she said she was going to her favourite joint in Canterbury, on the east side. I think we should join her.

PATRICK: Agreed. We should probably take the highway, then.

(The car is about to miss the exit to the highway taking them to Bikini Bottom.)

SPONGEBOB: Ah, crap!

(The car swerves and manages to get onto the exit leading to the highway from the residential streets of Rutherford Heights.)

SPONGEBOB: Close call. Thanks a million, Patrick.

PATRICK: Nothing to it.

SCENE III

(The car parks in front of Columbus Spanish Café, a Latin-American modern restaurant with a Mesoamerican feel to it. The two get out of the car.)

SPONGEBOB: Don't act nervous when you see her wearing some sort of dress that looks insanely nice on her. Don't suppress boners, but don't show them either.

PATRICK: I suppose that rules out good hugs, then?

SPONGEBOB (chuckling): Screw you, man! Be less perverted for once!

PATRICK: Not sure that's possible, Cap'n.

SPONGEBOB: Oh, whatever.

(Spongebob holds the door open for an old lady and her husband, who nod accordingly. Patrick waits for Spongebob to go in, but he waits there, indicating for Patrick to go first.)

PATRICK: I hate you now.

(As Patrick enters, Spongebob chuckles. Patrick slaps him lightly on the shoulder, and Spongebob enters behind him. They survey the dining room, but can't see any of their friends anywhere.)

SPONGEBOB: Hmm. Eerie. She's not here.

PATRICK: Probably stayed at home for a bit to paint her toenails.

SPONGEBOB: You're talking about a girl who, at a young age, used Barbie dolls to reenact Goodfellas, played Galonian gridiron with the boys at the schoolyard, and absolutely loathed Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha because of it's gay-ass animation. I don't think so, Tim.

PATRICK: When is anime not gay, anyways?

SPONGEBOB: Neon Genesis Evangelion.

PATRICK: Oh yeah, that one series they aired at 9:00 on Saturday nights for children! I remember that... I had plenty of nightmares.

SPONGEBOB: Nothing like Salò, I'm sure.

PATRICK: Not even close. Salò wasn't quite that violent, but it was pretty creepy.

SPONGEBOB: Hehe, clergymen and little boys.

PATRICK: And I thought the Balkans were the backwoods of Europe.

SPONGEBOB: It's fictional.

PATRICK: True. But still... whoa.

(Alex, dressed in a stunning white frock, comes in the door, followed by Flávio and Percival. Both Spongebob and Patrick have to try very hard to prevent themselves from staring as they meet the other three.)

(As they walk over there, Spongebob and Patrick finish talking.)

SPONGEBOB: Who was the recipient of the "whoa" comment?

PATRICK: Both Salò and her.

(The groups exchange greetings, and Patrick indiscreetly gives Alex a good hug; no one notices.)

ALEX: How are you guys?

SPONGEBOB: We've got some problems.

PERCIVAL: How so, old chap?

PATRICK: My mom was released from the nuthouse and may be stalking us. She's pissed that I'm not her son by law anymore.

FLÁVIO: You're probably royally screwed.

ALEX: Let's not think about dreary things for the moment, dear. Let's get a table.

FLÁVIO: I'll do that.

(While Flávio converses in Portuguese with the hostess to get a table, Spongebob and Patrick start talking again.)

SPONGEBOB: When I told her that she looked nice, I meant "drop dead sexy."

PATRICK: I gave her a good hug.

SPONGEBOB: So, in hindsight, you dry humped her. You sick bastard, doing that in public.

PATRICK: Hey, no one noticed.

SPONGEBOB: I suppose that's what counts.

(Flávio comes back to the group. The hostess leads them to a booth with a crescent design, not too far from a stage, where a Brazilian-music-influenced jazz band will be playing. From left to right, the teens are seated in this order: Patrick, Spongebob, Alex, Percy, Flávio.)

PERCY: Hey, look, dinner and a theatre!

FLÁVIO: Not quite the best joke.

PERCY: There are a bunch of blokes who can't come up with shit when it comes to good comedy. Seinfeld's a great example. I agree with you, but it's better than some of the crap you see nowadays.

SPONGEBOB: There are some funny comedians still out there, Percy. You just haven't been exposed to them.

PERCY: I'm sorry, but American humour is not my favourite type.

PATRICK: You need to know the name Steven Wright. Yeah, he's a Bay Stater, alright, but he's a deadpan snarker with the most awesome voice you've heard since Bobobo Bobobobo.

ALEX: God, that anime is bloody retarded.

PATRICK: I won't disagree with you there; explaining the animation will do nothing. Even so, the guy's English dubbed voice is amazingly epic.

FLÁVIO: No disagreement from me.

(A waitress comes over to the table.)

WAITRESS: Hello there, guys! My name is Jane, and I will be your server today. Have any of you seen films recently?

SPONGEBOB: We might go see a film later this afternoon at the bbcentre's theatre; we just can't decide what.

WAITRESS: I hear that Samba is really good, but extremely violent and disturbing.

SPONGEBOB: That's what I've heard, too. If it's anything like Pulp Fiction, then it shouldn't be that violent or disturbing, just laden with curse words.

WAITRESS: Did Gonçalo Resende work with Tarantino on this one?

ALEX: No. If he did, the result would probably be the worst-case scenario of Kill Bill torture porn with Yakety Sax as its theme.

(The table has a quick laugh after that, and the waitress does as well.)

WAITRESS: Although that would be interesting. Could I start you guys off with something to drink?

SPONGEBOB: I'll just take a Coke.

PATRICK: Same here.

ALEX: I'll get a Sprite, but could you bring a plate of lemons alongside that?

WAITRESS (Jotting down order): Sure. (Towards Percy) And for you?

PERCY: Hmm, you have Kriek, which is made with Morello cherries? How interesting. I'll have a glass of that.

WAITRESS: Sure. (Toward Flávio) And you, sir?

FLÁVIO: I'll just have water.

WAITRESS: Alright! I'll get that out to you in a moment. (darts away)

PATRICK (towards Alex): Kill Bill torture porn with Yakety Sax? I'd see it.

FLÁVIO: Pfft, we all know Herv the Perv would.

PATRICK (chuckling): Well, at least my middle name is Herbert instead of Maria!

FLÁVIO: Screw you, man. In Portuguese, that's unisex, ya know.

PERCY: And tacky in Brazil, I might add.

FLÁVIO: Well, this isn't bloody Brazil, now is it? There are too few priests and too many normal five-year-old boys.

SPONGEBOB: Shh. We don't want to bring the lot of them over here, now do we?

ALEX: Then, the demographics of molestation would skyrocket.

(A random man who had been randomly eavesdropping a couple of tables away yells.)

RANDOM MAN: FUCK YOU!

FLÁVIO: Your mom is promiscuous, chap! Piss off!

(The man shuts up.)

FLÁVIO: Problem solved.

HOSTESS (from the kitchen): Hey, keep it down out there! Don't try to scare people off!

FLÁVIO: Sorry, ma'am!

PERCY: I thought I was the only one 'round here that ever said the word "fuck".

SPONGEBOB: No, you're just the only one that uses it regularly.

(''The jazz band

SCENE IV