The Shit's Always Greener

"The Shit's Always Greener" is a Season 1 episode of Life in Bikini Bottom. It is rated TV-14-DLS and C.

Characters

 * Fatrick Star
 * Sheldon D. Bastard
 * SpongeCock SquarePants
 * Eugene F. Kraps
 * Shitward Testicles
 * Gory the Snail
 * Assy Cheeks
 * Pissing Pearl (Mentioned)
 * Badass Rick (debut)
 * Erectomegan (debut)
 * Shattered Penis (debut)
 * Other Bikini Bottomites

Synopsis
When Eugene F. Kraps and SpongeCock discover massive, green pieces of shit clogging every single one of the Krusty Kock toilets, they take it as an ongoing mystery and try to find who caused this despicable crime.

Plot
The episode turns to the Krusty Kock, and SpongeCock acting like a dick towards Shitward to the point where Shitward yells at SpongeCock to do something else other than act like, well, act like a cock hence the name. SpongeCock then goes on to say that he is waiting for the next truck full of weed to be delivered as for the Krusty Kock currently has no weed. All of the sudden, SpongeCock feels a massive shit brewing up and if he does not use the bathroom now he would shit all over himself. SpongeCock then says that he has to take a crap and he will be right back. On his way to the bathroom he finds odd green muddles smeared all over the wooden floor and wall, something that was not here this morning. Using his sense of smelling, SpongeCock finds out that it is, indeed, green shit.

Our whole universe was in a G and PG state

Then nearly fourteen billion years ago was inappropriate, wait

Fatrick shit a stool, Shitward began to drool

They invented crap that rules

We built a great, great wall (we started cursing)

Shit, titties bursting, unraveling the coercing

''This is Life in Bikini Bottom! PG-13!''

Obviously creeped out, SpongeCock decides that he will clean up this filthy bathroom later, but for now, he has to take a shit. After walking into the stall, SpongeCock literally shits himself, as for there are ginormous pieces of green shit clogging up the toilet. SpongeCock is scarred for life already because he runs to his sucky pineapple without saying another word. The next day, SpongeCock talks to Mr. Kraps about the situation and they both take it as an investigation.

It turns to Fatrick's rock the next day, where SpongeCock knocks on the rock and asks for Fatrick to come out, as for he is their first suspect. Fatrick normally lives off of SpongeCock and sometimes lives in his house, but today Fatrick is not just eating ice cream cake. No, he is watching TV and eating ice cream cake, only done on Wednesdays. Once Fatrick tells everyone to come in because he is too lazy to even answer his rock, SpongeCock and Mr. Kraps ask the first question about where Fatrick was all day yesterday. Fatrick states that he was at SpongeCock's sucky pineapple eating ice cream cake and not giving a shit about Gory the Snail drinking out of the toilet. SpongeCock then goes on to ask if Fatrick had ever gone to the Krusty Kock yesterday and used the bathroom. Fatrick states that he is too lazy to walk to the Krusty Kock and explains that ice cream cake is here for you in the refrigerator and not in a restaurant. SpongeCock then walks out of Fatrick's rock and, out of anger, slams Fatrick's rock back into the ground. SpongeCock states that if the suspect is not Fatrick, someone who spends their days shitting all over the place like a bad ass, then they would have to try harder in finding this individual who caused this disgusting crime.

Their next suspect was Shitward, as he was at the Krusty Kock almost all day helping to sell weed. SpongeCock and Mr. Kraps ran to Shitward's house and pounded on the door. Shitward never responded to the knocks causing SpongeCock to slam the door to the ground and scream that Shitward better come to Mr. Kraps and him or else they would bring in Fatrick. Mr. Kraps then urgently shushed SpongeCock as for they noticed little noises in one of Shitward's closets. Mr. Kraps tip-toed all the way to the closet and slowly opened the door. After opening the door Mr. Kraps and SpongeCock found that Shitward was humping a portrait of Pissing Pearl. Mr. Kraps admitted that he was officially scarred for life causing Shitward to scream and ask them what they are doing here. Mr. Kraps states that they are on an investigation for mysterious pieces of green shit clogging up the Krusty Kock toilets and are wondering if Shitward did it. Shitward yells that he was advertising weed the whole time and tells Mr. Kraps that he was prohibited from using the bathroom. Mr. Kraps admits that this bathroom policy was true and Shitward tells them to get out of his fricking house.

Mr. Kraps and SpongeCock are tired of searching and along the way check a few other Bikini Bottomites such as Badass Rick, Erectomegan, Shattered Penis, and many more annoying ass citizens with no luck at all. SpongeCock is on the verge of quitting when all of the sudden they notice that Assy Cheeks has green shit all over her, well, ass and is trying to sneak to her fleadome. SpongeCock and Mr. Kraps sprint to her and state that it was her. She begs for mercy and explains that she was working for Sheldon D. Bastard who said that if she coated the whole Krusty Kock bathrooms with green shit, then he would pay her a fortune. Mr. Kraps sighs and asks how she created the green shit. She says with a bit of green food coloring and with Fatrick's help you can do whatever the hell you want with shit. Mr. Kraps and SpongeCock decide to let her off with that and go to the Cum Bucket instead where they place Sheldon D. Bastard jail where they use cum instead of water and shit instead of food. The episode ends with Mr. Kraps and SpongeCock going back to their duty at the Krusty Kock and asking a janitor to clean up the green shit splattered all over the bathrooms.

Trivia

 * The title is a reference to the Season 3 SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Algae's Always Greener,” which is in turn is a spin on the phrase “the grass is always greener.”
 * According to wordcounter.net, the plot is:
 * 942 words.
 * 5,222 characters.
 * 57 sentences.
 * 12 paragraphs.
 * 11th-12th grade reading level.
 * 3 minutes, 26 seconds reading time.
 * 5 minutes, 14 seconds speaking time.
 * "SpongeCock" is used more than any other word.