The Lost Snail

The Lost Snail is the thirty-fourth episode of Livin' With The Squid.

Characters

 * Squidward Tentacles
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Patrick Star
 * Human Teenager
 * Sandy Cheeks
 * Technetium
 * Gary

Plot
After realizing that Gary's been missing for over two years, SpongeBob sets out to find his former pet.

Story
“It sure was convenient that Sandy and Technetium had apparently just finished building a revival device by the time we were killed,” SpongeBob said, walking towards the house. “Convenient to the plot, maybe. But it’s absolutely terrible writing,” Squidward said. “Well, Squidward, I wouldn’t really be saying anything if I were you. Your writing’s not the hot stuff either,” Patrick commented.

“My writing is brilliant!” Squidward said defensively. “You write erotic fanfiction of yourself,” Patrick said dryly. “Exactly! That’s what makes it so good!” Squidward grinned. “Personally, I prefer erotic fanfiction about My Small Sea Pony: Imagination Is Coolio Moolio,” SpongeBob asked, taking out his keys and unlocking the front door.

“You guys are a bunch of weirdos,” the teenager muttered. “Weirdos?! Pft, maybe these two idiots are, but certainly not me!” Squidward said. “Nope, you’re pretty weird too,” the teenager commented. “I am not freakin’ weird!” Squidward shouted, his voice briefly turning abnormally high-pitched. “Now that just proves you're weird,” the teenager said dryly. “Say, where’s this kid even gonna stay?” SpongeBob asked. “Uh, here?” Patrick suggested.

“Oh no! Oh no, you don’t! This kid is not staying here! Not after he called me a weirdo!” Squidward growled, crossing his tentacles. “I don’t really find a problem with him calling you a weirdo. After all, honesty is the best policy!” SpongeBob grinned. “Shut up, you quality-declining cash cow franchise!” Squidward shouted. “Cash cow? SpongeBob’s not a cow, he’s a sponge. Boy, you really are dumb, aren’t you Squidward?” laughed Patrick.

Squidward once used to live in Bikini Bottom

With neighbors SpongeBob and Patrick

But then he had enough

He couldn't take them anymore

So he moved to Coral City

And well now let's just say

It couldn't have gotten any worse!

“Alright, fine. I’ll let the kid stay. On one condition,” Squidward said. “And what’s that?” the teenager asked, crossing his arms. “You have to paint a picture that looks exactly like me!” Squidward demanded. “I don’t think I’ll be able to do that...” the teenager said. “What?! You can’t even paint a perfect picture that contains no flaws and is an exact representation of me?! Pft, no wonder you committed suicide! You’re completely worthless!” Squidward scolded.

“Hey guys, have any of you seen Gary?” SpongeBob asked. “...Gary? You mean your old pet snail?” Squidward asked. “What do you mean ‘old pet snail’? I still have him, don’t I?” SpongeBob asked. “Uh...no. He ran away back when we still lived in Bikini Bottom. Don’t you remember?” Squidward explained. “Um, no...” SpongeBob said. “Really? You’d think you would remember causing your beloved pet to run away with your own selfish neglect,” Patrick said. “My happiness has been neglected,” the teenager commented.

“SHUT UP AND STOP WHINING, YOU PATHETIC TEENAGER!” Squidward shouted. “Hm, that’s strange. I wonder why I don’t remember,” SpongeBob said.

FLASHBACK

SpongeBob had been in his living room, passionately playing a game of paddleball. “Oh yeah! Dirty Bubble Challenge! I’m really feelin’ it now!” he grinned. Gary slowly trailed over the other, tapping SpongeBob’s foot with his food bowl. This caused SpongeBob to lose focus, missing the paddleball. “What?! NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!! I was so close to beating the challenge! Look what you did, Gary! Look what you did!” he growled. Gary whimpered, quickly trailing off from his owner and abandoning the house.

LATER, BUT STILL A FLASHBACK

“Oh, my Gary’s gone! I should’ve never treated him that way! I feel like a terrible person! Even worse than JackHackers!” SpongeBob whimpered. “Worse than JackHackers, huh? Gee, that’s pretty bad, sponge. Especially when you consider that Jack is easily one of the worst members currently on the wiki. But anyway, I know how to make you forget this all ever happened. I’ve just finished inventing a memory eraser! Would you like me to try it out?” Sandy asked. “Hm...I guess it couldn’t hurt,” SpongeBob said. “Actually, the zap it gives you is extremely painful. So painful that it takes away your memories!” Sandy grinned, zapping her friend with the ray.

PRESENT

“Maybe you don’t remember because Gary is an extremely forgettable character. Seriously, all he does is meow,” Squidward said. “He may be forgettable, Squidward, but he’s nowhere near as forgettable as this piece of shit show!” SpongeBob said. “Don’t you think that’s a bit harsh? The author’s only fourteen after all,” the teenager said. “Pft, no. It’s not harsh. You know what they say! Honesty is the best policy! Anyway, I’ve gotta find that snail! Gary, I’m coming for you, baby!” SpongeBob announced, running towards the door, crashing into it. “Baby? Baby?! Are you dumping me for this Gary person?!” Patrick questioned.

BIKINI BOTTOM

SpongeBob had been skipping through Bikini Bottom, singing to himself. “Oh, I’m gonna find that snail! Gonna find that snail! I’m gonna find my beloved snail, Gary! Oh! Oh!” he sang, when suddenly he felt himself bump into someone. “Oh! Sorry! My dearest apolog- Sandy?!” SpongeBob gasped. “Why do you act so surprised to see me? You know I live here,” Sandy said dryly. “Well, of course I knew that you lived here. I’m just surprised that you’re still alive. Why, Sandy! I thought you died!” SpongeBob exclaimed.

“You thought I was dead? Why?” Sandy questioned. “Well, you see, I saw that you were dating Technetium. And I thought that by now you guys might’ve f***ed. And that you know, his radioactive semen would’ve killed you,” SpongeBob explained. “No...” Sandy said. “Really? Are you sure? Maybe it’s a slow-acting process. I better check to make sure there’s no damage,” SpongeBob said, beginning to unzip Sandy’s air suit. “Hey! Get your hands off!” Technetium growled, slapping SpongeBob, causing the sponge to instantly be electrocuted, all of his memory coming back.

“Oh my gosh! I remember it! I remember it all now!” SpongeBob gasped. “You remembered that it’s creepy to randomly unzip someone’s clothing on the public sidewalk?” Technetium asked. “Pft, don’t be silly, Technetium! Doing that is perfectly normal! I read it in erotic fan fiction of My Little Seapony: Imagination Is Coolio Moolio all the time!” SpongeBob said nonchalantly. “Those stories are written by high schoolers,” Technetium pointed out. “Yeah? Well this fanfic is written by a teenager too. A pretty stupid teenager at that too. He thinks he’ll become become admin. How can he possibly become admin when he’s obsessed with his rights and is constantly asking people to support him?” he asked.

“Um, I’m pretty sure those instances were jokes. He didn’t mean either of them literally,” Technetium pointed out. “They were not jokes! Obviously I know his intentions much better than he does! Anyway, I don’t have time to argue with you! I gotta find my snail!” SpongeBob announced, beginning to run off again, crashing into a pole.

SQUIDWARD’S HOUSE

The teenager fumbled with the paintbrush, trying his best to make the portrait just right. He was sweating profusely, it felt like his heart would leap out of his chest. “U-Uh...okay, I’m done,” he announced. “Great! Let me the photo!” Squidward grinned, rushing into the living room. Squidward’s eyes widened at the portrait. “Wow...this...this portrait...It’s...TERRIBLE! I mean, come on! It looks nothing like me! You’re even worse at painting than Travis is at writing! And that’s saying a lot, since Travis is one of the worst writers in the entire universe!” Squidward scolded. “And you’re with him in that list right?” Patrick asked.

BIKINI BOTTOM

SpongeBob had been wandering Bikini Bottom when suddenly he came across a dark alley. “Hm, an extremely dark alley located in one of the more dangerous parts of town. This seems like a good place to look!” he grinned, walking into the alley. The sponge’s eyes widened as he felt a figure creeping out behind him. He quickly turned around, gasping at the sight he saw before him. “G-Gary...?” SpongeBob stuttered.