Orchestragraphicality (transcript)

(Squidward gets into chairs, turns on TV and screams).

Squidward: Oh my, got to get a hold of myself, I--ahhhh!!!

Seuss the Qatar's Lord on TV: And that was The Atomic Rock Shadow in Low E Minor, Rock it!

(TV screen shatters)

Squidward: Oh great, I can do better than that!

Squilliam: A one, a two, a one, two, three!

(Squilliam's band plays The Blue Danube with Squidward walking past him)

Squidward: Who put him on this planet? Psssst.

Squilliam: (to Squidward) I heard that!

DJ Coricoral on the radio: And here is the hit album My Sunken and Shrunken Socks--

(Squidward turns radio off)

Squidward: Does any know how to play music anymore? All it is is show-off, and rock! Except for the Squidstones, little Trebels and Clam-Clam were singing, so cute. But I'm going to be the best man in the world!

SpongeBob: Squidward, you...uh, according to this best musician list, you're #10067535678905432, only being followed by one person, Patrick, and if he wasn't here, you would be last. But don't fret, I'm only 12000 places in front of you.

Squidward: My dork of a neighbor beat me?

SpongeBob: Yes. Squilliam is first and besides me is Freckled Boy from Rock Bottom and Gary.

Squidward: I'm a loser.

SpongeBob: You're not.

Squidward: I am.

SpongeBob: True. But you can change that somehow.

Squidward: Wait! I've got a...what's the word for it?...

SpongeBob: Fantabulastical?

Squidward: Right! I've got a fantabulabulastical-sorta idea! Oh yeah!

Squidward: Now band, stop the chitter-chatter cooked-on-platter thing and listen to me. Patrick, I want you to play the keyboard.

Patrick: Yes sir!

Squidward: SpongeBob, trombone!

SpongeBob: Yes, Leg-no-toe! Ha! Making fun of legato.

Squidward: Okay....Everyone else, you're places! And together, we're Orchestragraphicality!

(Confetti comes flying out of nowhere)

SpongeBob: What does that mean?

Patrick: A piece of cheese?

Beltruce: A clambonie?

Fish #1: The study of orchestras?

Squidward: No. It's the name of our band. It's not like your name means anything. Like SpongeBob's, his name means n--

SpongeBob: I'm a sponge, my nickname's Bob, I love squares, I wear pants, that's how I got my name.

Squidward: Alright, forget about the name! Just get on with the playing.

Beltruce: A one, two, one, two, three, four....

(Band plays Suction Cup Symphony roughly when Patrick plays checkers)

Squidward: Patrick!

Patrick: I'm playing! It's just that I'm losing

Squidward: Dumbbell!

Patrick; I heard that!

Squidward: Other than that, you were horrible. But, my skill can rub off on you.

Everybody: Good.

Squidward: Now if Squilliam can give up...

Squilliam: I heard that!

Squidward: ...we can be the best band in Bikini Bottom!

Everybody: Yay!

SpongeBob: So...I just play what I know?

Squidward: Pretty much. And...go!

(Plays some sour notes on trombone)

SpongeBob: How'd I do?

Squidward: Good....Oh my gosh, that was horrible!...

SpongeBob: I heard that!

Squidward: Uh.

SpongeBob: Now, where's my sheets?

Squidward: By that performance, you won't even be getting one note.

SpongeBob: Please, please, please! I want to be in your band!

Squidward: Alright. But let me check on the others.

(Squidward walks to other band players)

Squidward: Now to check the HOLY SHRIMP!

(Squidward sees band fighting)

Squidward: Stop! Or I'll kick you out!

Everybody: We heard that!

Squidward: Now, I've got to run because of my shame, get the day off, I'm a failure.

Everybody: Hooray!

SpongeBob: Not hooray. He stood up for us, and we failed him.

Squidward: Just to make sure you've been trying to help me overnight, come tomorrow.

SpongeBob: We'll stay here and practise, right?

Everybody: Yes.

(Squidward walks out of room)

SpongeBob: Yeah!

Beltruce: A one, at two, a one, two, three...

(Band plays The Can-Can prefectly while Beltruce in a skirt does the dance)

Time Card: One miracle later...

Squidward: Okay, let us see how well you did.

(Everyone plays horribly)

Squidward: Okay, you were horrible.

Everybody: We heard that!

Squidward: You are all kicked out, guess one of you can make another CD or something.

(Throws empty CD to band)

Squidward: Use it. I'm a failure.

SpongeBob: Wait a second....

(Band plays "Russian Dance" perfectly on radio.)

THE END