Substitute Coach

Substitute Coach is the 17th episode of Basket Sponge.

Plot
When SpongeBob accidentally injures LeBron, the team holds auditions for a temporary new coach.

Transcript
SpongeBob is taking his driver's test, with Mrs. Puff in the car directing him.

Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, turn left.

SpongeBob: Yes, ma'am! (turns right)

Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob!!! I said LEFT!!!

SpongeBob: Whoops! Silly me! (makes a wide turn left)

People scream and honk their horns at him.

SpongeBob: Listen to all the happy people, Mrs. Puff! I must be a natural!

Mrs. Puff: (burries her face into her clipboard) Please don't let me die.

SpongeBob: Die? Don't be silly! I've read the driver's rulebook 20,000 times forwards and backwards! I could drive in my sleep!

He runs over Fred Rechid. He continues driving.

Fred: MY LEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SpongeBob: Whoops! That must've hurt!

Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob!!! Be more careful! That makes me look bad as a teacher!

SpongeBob: Relax, Mrs. Puff, I have it all under control. He's just a cartoon character. It's not like I ran over a real human being-

He runs over LeBron, who is walking in the street with a bag of groceries.

LeBron: GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SpongeBob: Oh no! That was Coach LeBron! (stops the car, gets out)

LeBron: (halfway unconscious on the road)

SpongeBob: Coach! I'm so sorry! Believe me!

Mrs. Puff: (calls an ambulance) They're on their way.

3 minutes later, LeBron is carried away on a stretcher.

SpongeBob: But wait! Who's gonna coach the team? Coach? Coach?

LeBron doesn't respond as he appears to be out cold. The ambulance takes him away.

Mrs. Puff: Hey, for once, I'm not the one being taken away by an ambulance!

A meteorite crashes on Mrs. Puff from the sky.

Mrs. Puff: Call.....an....ambu.....lance..........SpongeBob......

SpongeBob: Don't be ridiculous, Mrs. Puff, you're a cartoon character! (leaves her)

[That afternoon, at basketball practice]

Squidward: When is Coach gonna get here?

Krabs: (looks at his watch) He should be here by now! What the heck?

Plankton: If he doesn't get here soon, I'm gonna climb up his pant legs and.....

The team looks at him.

Plankton: ....I don't know where I was going with that.

Larry: (arms crossed, tapping his foot) I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna punch him in the face.

SpongeBob: (enters the gym) Hey, team. Coach kindaaaaa can't make it.

Larry: Why not?

SpongeBob: He's in a body cast in the hospital.

Larry: Then I'm gonna go to his hospital bed and PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!

Krabs: Larry, calm down. What happened?

SpongeBob: I kindaaaa hit him with my car.

Larry: I'm gonna PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!!! (slams SpongeBob in the face)

Plankton: Larry, there's a better solution than just punching people in the face.

Larry: Like what?

Plankton: MURDERING HIM WITH MY ROBOT ARMY!!!!

SpongeBob: Guys! Calm down! If I find a solution, do you promise not to kill me?

Plankton: (frowns)

Larry: Fine.

Krabs: What do you plan on doing?

SpongeBob: We need a substitute coach!

Patrick: (busts into the gym) Someone say SUBSITITUE COUCH????

SpongeBob: Coach, Patrick. Not couch.

Patrick: Oh. Dang it. I had the perfect couch for the occasion. (barfs up a giant sofa) Ta-da!

Squidward: I'm not sitting on that thing. It's covered in white, sticky slobber.

Patrick: That's not slobber!

Squidward: Awh! GROSS, Patrick!

SpongeBob: Patrick, we need a COACH. Do you have anyone in mind?

Patrick: Not in my mind, but in my stomach. (barfs out Man Ray)

Man Ray: Waaahaaaah! Freedom at last! Now I can wreak havoc upon all of Bikini Bottom!

SpongeBob: Patrick, you ATE Man Ray?

Patrick: He was delicious!

Man Ray: I am. But not for long, because all of Bikini Bottom will be MINE!!!! Hahahahaah!!!! (exits the gym)

Squidward: Nice going, Patrick! You released a villain!

Patrick: He was a DELICIOUS villain, Squidward!

SpongeBob: Well we don't need a delicious villain right now. We need a coach, Pat!

Patrick: Okay, wait, I got it.....(barfs out Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy)

Mermaid Man: Evil must be stopped! (falls over)

Barnacle Boy: I hate everything. Especially my nose.

SpongeBob: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy? What were you doing in Patrick's stomach????

Mermaid Man: We were delicious.

Barnacle Boy: Especially my nose.

Larry: .....okay

Mermaid Man: EVIL is on the run! .....(falls asleep)

Barnacle Boy: (smacks him) Wake up, Mermaid Man!

SpongeBob: If you're looking for Man Ray, he went that way. (points to the door)

Mermaid Man: Eh? .....I need bacon.

Barnacle Boy: I need death. (jumps back into Patrick's throat)

Mermaid Man: (walks into the supply closet) Bacon must be stopped! (falls over)

Larry: Quick! Lock the door!

Squidward: (locks the supply closet door)

SpongeBob: Okay! Apparently Patrick doesn't have any good coaches in his stomach!

Patrick: Wait! Hold on! (barfs out Justin Beiber)

Plankton: Eww!

Squidward: It's hideous!

Larry: Take that thing back, Patrick! (shoves it back down Patrick's throat)

SpongeBob: Anwyay, I suggest we hold auditions for a substitute coach. What do y'all think?

Squidward: I really don't care.

Larry: Fine with me.

Krabs: Better than anything I got.

SpongeBob: Great! Then it's settled!

[Each teammate sits at a long table with a clipboard]

Squidward: Do you think anyone will actually audition?

SpongeBob: All we need is a sign.

Patrick: (barfs out a sign that says "Substitute Coach Audtions")

SpongeBob: (hangs the sign outside) Great! We're all set! Now we just have to wait and see who we get!

Gary slithers into the gym.

Gary: Mowwww!

SpongeBob: Gary! You're already the mascot! You can't be our coach!

Gary: Moww! (grows arms and legs, dribbles the ball to the hoop and slam dunks it)

The whole team stands amazed.

Squidward: No.

Larry: No.

Krabs: No.

Plankton: No.

Patrick: Weasels.

SpongeBob: Next!!!

Gary: (sadly exits the gym)

Man Ray enters the gym next.

Larry: Man Ray, what are you doing here again?

Man Ray: I have come to....uh....(runs outisde, reads the sign at the door) Become the substitute coach!

Squidward: Why would we let a super villain be our coach?

Man Ray: Because I'm delicious.

Patrick: True.

Larry: Not good enough!

Man Ray: Well, uh, then I'm great at soccer!

Larry: (annoyed) This isn't soccer.

Man Ray: Did I say soccer? I meant hockey!

Plankton: Get him outta here!

Man Ray: But wait! There's more!

SpongeBob: Like what? Man Ray: I have this laser ray that turns people into a chicken!

SpongeBob: ......okay?

Man Ray: (blasts Plankton, turning him into a chicken)

Plankton: BAWK!!!

SpongeBob: Hey! Turn him back, Man Ray!

Man Ray: C'mon! I chose the one you like the least!

SpongeBob: I like LARRY the least!

Krabs: Me too!

Squidward: Me three!

Patrick: Me purple!

Plankton: BAWK!

Man Ray: Okay, fine! Sheesh! (blasts him, turning him back)

Plankton: That was the worst 7 seconds of my life! You will pay! (steals Man Ray's gun, and turns him into a chicken)

Man Ray: BAWWWWK!!!!! (runs out the gym)

Larry: Wait, you guys really like me the least?

SpongeBob: NEXT!

Karen enters the gym.

SpongeBob: Karen! You're a robot!

Larry: And a girl!

Squidward: You can't be our coach!

Karen: Relax, dimwads. I'm just bringing Plankton his lunch. (hands Plankton a pile of chicken seed)

Plankton: Score! Thanks, babe! (eats the chicken seed)

Larry: You eat chicken seed?

Plankton: Of course! You expect me to eat CHUM? It's disgusting!

Squidward: Man Ray should've kept you as a chicken...

Karen: He IS a chicken. He still hasn't gotten the Krabby Patty formula after all these years!

Plankton: Karen! Get out of our gym, now!

Karen: As you wish, "Your Highness". (exits the gym)

SpongeBob: Okay, NEXT! ....I said NEXT!

Larry: (looks outside) SpongeBob, there's nobody else in line.

SpongeBob: You mean.....we failed? There's nobody to be our substitute coach?

Krabs: It's okay, lad. We'll find someone eventually.

Kobe Bryant walks into the gym.

Kobe: Wassup mah homies.

Larry: Who are you?

Kobe: Kobe Bryant! NBA allstar!

Squidward: .....we only have the POBA underwater, dude.

Kobe: Dang it! Well anyway, dawgs, LeBron texted me and said he needed somebody to coach the Bulldogs while he was in the hospital.

Plankton: You know LeBron?

Kobe: Sure, dawg. We played in the NBA together.

Patrick: (aggressively staring at Kobe)

Kobe: Hey! It's the pink starfish dude! I remember you!

Patrick: You held me hostage! You tied me to a train track, and then dressed up as me and took my place! You imposter!

Kobe: I remember that. From Part of the Team, right?

Patrick: Grrrrr.......yes, it was.

Kobe: Ah. Good times, little dude.

Patrick: No! It was NOT good times! I refuse to accept you!

Kobe: (pepper sprays Patrick)

Patrick: AAAHHHHH!!!!!

Kobe: Listen up, dawgs. I've been stranded down here for less than a month, but I'm willing to stay and coach this team until LeBron recovers! After that, I will return to my home!

SpongeBob: This is great! Another experienced basketball star as our coach! Do you have any experience coaching?

Kobe: Not a single bit. But how hard can it be, dawg?

Larry: I like this guy! And that's rare!

Kobe: So, how many games do we have this week?

SpongeBob: Five.

Kobe: Five games? Dang, bro! Who are they against?

SpongeBob: The Bosstown Bone-Crushers, The Mayan Mermen, The Funktown Fungus, The Darktown Killers, and The Barrier Reef Barnacles.

Kobe: Sounds rough, bro. Well, good luck. (turns to leave)

SpongeBob: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Aren't we gonna practice? Organize some game plans?

Kobe: Nah. I believe in giving the team freedom. Y'all can make choices for yourselves on the court. I trust y'all. (leaves)

Larry: Wow, he is way too chill.

Patrick: I don't like that man!

Krabs: Let's just see how our games this week go.

[Monday]

Larry sloppily dribbles down the court, and passes the ball to Krabs, who shoots a three-pointer.

Krabs: That was such an un-organized play! But it worked!

Larry: And it was the winning point!

Kobe: See? Who needs plans! That rocked! Good job, team!

[Tuesday]

The opposing team traps Larry in a corner. He throws a risky pass across the court to SpongeBob, who makes a layup.

SpongeBob: GLORIOUS!!! WE WON!!!!!

Patrick: Hug me, SpongeBob!!!!

Kobe: What did I tell you? You're doing great with freedom!

[Wednesday]

Squidward has the ball. The opposing team steals it, and dribbles down for a layup. Krabs jumps in front of the player, swipes the ball, and passes down to Larry who dunks and wins the game.

Kobe: There ya go, team! Nice!

[Thursday]

Plankton sneaks to the opposing players' feet, and trips all of them up. The referees don't see it, as Plankton is too small. The opposing players are tripped so much, they are injured and cannot continue.

Kobe: Well that's one way to do it! Good job, Plank!

Plankton: Yay for not having any plans!

[Friday]

Patrick takes the ball down the court. The score is 29 to 31. There are 8 seconds left in the game. A three-pointer is needed to win the game.

Kobe: Shoot the ball, Patrick!!! Shoot!!!!!

The clock ticks down to 7.

Patrick: (pulls out a machine gun)

Kobe: No, Patrick!

The clock ticks down to 6.

Patrick: (pulls out a hand gun)

Kobe: No, Patrick! You're still wrong!

The clock ticks down to 5.

Patrick: What the heck do I do?

The clock ticks down to 4.

SpongeBob: Throw it into the net, Patrick! Come on, buddy!

The clock ticks down to 3.

Patrick: What's a net?

The clock ticks down to 2.

SpongeBob: Just throw it up!!!!

The clock ticks down to 1.

Patrick: (swallows the ball, barfs it up into the air, the ball swishes into the hoop)

The clock ticks down to 0. The game ends.

Kobe: Three-pointer!!! We won, Pat!!!

SpongeBob: Good job!

Patrick: You said "throw it up" so I did!

Kobe: Good work, everyone. We won all 5 games this week! This brings us even closer to being in the tournament!

Larry: Who would've thought being so disorganized was such a good way to win!

Squidward: Yeah! We've never had such a good winning streak!

Krabs: This is a miracle!

LeBron: (appoaches the team on crutches) I'm baaaaaaaack.

Larry: You recovered that quickly?

LeBron: I'm not fully recovered, but I'm out of the hospital. I'm well enough to at least resume coaching. Thanks, Kobe, for taking my place while I was gone.

Kobe: No problem, bro! It was no work at all!

SpongeBob: We won all 5 games this week!

LeBron: (surprised) Really? What the heck? We played 5 of the best teams in the league!

Patrick: We smoked 'em!

LeBron: Wow! I did not expect that to happen, guys! Congrats!

SpongeBob: And it's all thanks to "disorganization"! (the word "disorganization" appears in the air above him)

LeBron: Well, that's great and stuff, but I spent all my time in the hospital thinking of game plans and strategies. So listen up, we have some big games coming up. Next Tuesday's game, my plan is to have Larry pass to Squidward, who pops out on the wing, and-

Squidward: (whispering) I like Kobe better.

Krabs: (whispering) Agreed.

LeBron: (rambling) After Krabs goes in tight on #23, I want SpongeBob to post up and-

Larry: (picks up LeBron, and chucks him out the window)

Kobe: That was harsh, dawg.

The team grows silent.

Kobe: Gimme some skin! (high-fives Larry)

Larry: I love this guy!