Failure is Not An Option

Failure is Not An Option is the 19th episode of Basket Sponge.

Plot
In the final league game of the season, the team must win in order to make it to the tournament. But faking a sprained wrist, Squidward refuses to leave his home. Can SpongeBob and Patrick persuade him to come to the game by invading his house? Or will they just cause more problems for Squiddy?

Transcript
[Outisde the Bulldogs' gym]

Squidward: IT HURTS!!!! IT HURTS!!!!!

Krabs: What's the matter, lad?

Squidward: MY TENTACLE!!!!!

LeBron: Well spit it out, Squid Man! What's the matter? (unlocks the gym door, as the team assembles for practice)

Squidward: It hurts SOOOOOOOO bad! I can't play basketball ever again!!!!!

SpongeBob: What is it, Squidward?

Larry: What happened, bro?

Squidward: Uh.....pelicans ate my tentacle.

Krabs: …..really, Squidward?

Squidward: Umm....it got hit by a car!

Plankton: Real believable, Squidward.

Squidward: Ummm, er.........Larry, let me see your claws.

Larry: Uh, why?

Squidward: (puts his arm in Larry's claw, and pushes it down on himself) Ahhh!!! My tentacle!!!

Krabs: Nice faking, Squidward.

Squidward: It actually DOES hurt now! I just pinched myself with Larry's claw!

SpongeBob: Why'd you do that, Squidward?

Larry: I think he doesn't wanna practice this morning!

LeBron: Whatever it is, it needs to heal! Put some some ice on it! Do you know what tomorrow is?

Squidward: Yes, I know exactly what tomorrow is. That's why I'm faking my injury, I mean that's why I need to heal my injury!

Patrick: Is it Valentine's Day? (kisses Squidward)

Squidward: No! (punches Patrick) Ow! That was with my hurt tentacle!

LeBron: No, tomorrow's the day of our LAST game of the season!

Krabs: Last game with you knuckleheads! Yipeeeeeeee!!!!!

LeBron: (grunts)

Krabs: I mean.....awwwwwwwww, last game with you wonderful people.

SpongeBob: It went by so fast!

LeBron: We still have the tournament....that is, IF we win!

Plankton: What do you mean?

LeBron: Our team currently has 11 wins, and 6 losses. In order to make the number even, we have to WIN tomorrow's game and make it 12 wins, 6 losses.

Patrick: Your kidneys remind me of sausage.

LeBron: And if we do this, we'll make it to the tournament!

SpongeBob: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!

Squidward: (smiling) Aww, toooo bad. With my hurt tentacle, I won't be able to play in the final game. What a shaaaaaaame........

LeBron: No!!! We NEED you to win! If you can't play, we'll have to use Plankton!

Plankton: Hey! What's so bad about using Plankton?

LeBron: Shall I remind you?

FLASHBACK

Plankton: (gets stomped and crushed by everyone on the court) AAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FLASHBACK ENDS

LeBron: Get my point?

Plankton: No one else could see that flashback, Coach.

Squidward: Everyone! I'm going home to relax, recover, and enjoy a nice, HOT bath! You won't see me for days! Maybe weeks! Or years! Hahah! So long, suckers!

[Squidward runs out the door and goes home]

Larry: Grrrr.....that no-good dirty piece of-

LeBron: That squid obviously does NOT wanna play in the game tomorrow.

Krabs: But we need him!

Plankton: We have to convince him to play! But how?

Larry: (pulls out a chainsaw, a battle axe, a rifle, a grenade) I've got some ideas!

LeBron: Put those away, Larry.

Larry: Awww, but I like killing people.

LeBron: You can kill him AFTER the basketball season. Right now, we need him to play!

SpongeBob: I can do it!

LeBron: You can get him to play?

SpongeBob: I can certainly try! Right, Patrick?

Patrick: (eating a female manakin) Oh, baby, your legs taste like Squidward's....

SpongeBob: Patrick! Snap out of it! Come on, let's go to Squidward's house!

Patrick: Ayee, Cap'n! Who's Squidward?

(SpongeBob and Patrick exit)

LeBron: I really hope those barnacle heads can pull this off.

Larry: If not....(pulls out a blow torch) ….there's always Plan B!

LeBron: Larry, put that thing away!

Larry: Oops! (purposely sets Mr. Krabs' head on fire)

Krabs: AAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MEANWHILE

SpongeBob: (arrives at Squidward's front door) Okay, Patrick, we're here!

Patrick: You throw him in the bag, and I'll hide the evidence!

SpongeBob: Yeah! Wait.....what????

Patrick: But if they catch us, we'll end up in the slammer.

SpongeBob: What are you talking about?!

Patrick: We came here to kill him, didn't we?!

SpongeBob: No, Pat! We're here to kindly convince him to come to the game!

Patrick: What? Nobody's getting killed? Tarter sauce! That's the only reason I showed up!

SpongeBob: (sigh) Just follow my lead. (kocks on the door)

[Nobody answers the door]

SpongeBob: (tries opening the door) It's locked! Squidward, are you home?

Patrick: (aggressively tears the door off)

SpongeBob: Whoa...that was unexpected, Pat.

Patrick: (eats the door)

SpongeBob: But that was expected.

Squidward: (looks out of his window) Look at those two barnacle brains down there! Intruding MY house! I could call the POLICE on those nimrods if I wanted to! Atleast the bathroom door is locked. They'll never get upstairs!

[He turns, revealing to be naked, and hops in the bath tub]]

Squidward: (sinking into the bubble bath) Nothing like a nice, relaxing bath to take my mind off of SpongeBob and Patr-WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????????/

[SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting beside him in the bath]

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward.

Squidward: AAAAHHHHH!!!!! BUT....WHAT THE.....BUT I.....WHAT......

Patrick: (smiles) We're all here naked together in the tub!

SpongeBob: (stands up) Actually, I'm still wearing pants. I told you specifically to do the exact same thing.

Patrick: That's not what I heard. I heard "Definitely take off all your clothes before getting in the bath with Squidward."

Squidward: STOP STARING AT MY BALLS, SpongeBob!!!!!

SpongeBob: I'm not! I'm staring at that bar of soap.

Patrick: I'm enjoying this moment, Squidward.

Squidward: Well I'm NOT!!!! Both of you are OUT OF HERE!!! (throws them out of the window)

[SpongeBob and Patrick plop on the ground outside]

SpongeBob: We're gonna need a better plan.

Patrick: I could distract him with my beautiful nakedness.

SpongeBob: No, I think we need an even better plan.

[Scene cuts to Squidward playing his clarinet inside]

Squidward: (kisses the clarinet) You never fail me, darling. (looks at a picture of Sandy) Unlike that stupid squirrel that cheated on me and ripped my heart into a million pieces!

[Patrick enters the house, dressed like a woman]

Squidward: Uh, who are you?

Patrick: Duh, I'm Patrick. Uh, I mean.... (in girly voice) I'm Walter.

Squidward: Isn't that still a boy's name?

Patrick: Then, uh....I'm.......Mr. Krabs.

Squidward: That's still a male name.

Patrick: Well, I don't know any girl names! So just call me "Him".

Squidward: "Him" refers to a male...

Patrick: Oh, for NEPTUNE'S SAKE, I'M JUST HERE TO SEDUCE YOU AND PERSUADE YOU TO COME TO THE BASKETBALL GAME TOMORROW SO WE CAN WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[His wig falls off, two watermelons resembling breasts fall out of his shirt]

Squidward: Hey, wait a minute....you're not a girl, you're Patrick! Get outta here!!! (kicks him out)

[Outisde]

SpongeBob: Well that plan didn't work.

Patrick: (puts the watermelons back in his shirt) I look pretty sexy with these.

SpongeBob: Don't get carried away, Pat.

Patrick: But I do! I make a beautiful non-male.

SpongeBob: A woman?

Patrick: Whatever they're called!

SpongeBob: (facepalm) Either way, we need to get inside that house.

Patrick: But how? (reaches in his shirt, grabs a watermelon, eats it)

SpongeBob: We've tried everything. We have to result to VIOLENCE!

Patrick: We haven't even tried asking nicely, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Oh. Wow, good idea, Patrick!

Patrick: (talking on the phone) Yeah, I'd love to do that with you. Wait, hold on a second. (hangs up) What were you saying, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Never mind. (knocks on Squidward's door)

Squidward: (answers aggressively) Grrrrrr, WHAT THE HECK DO YOU TWO RETARDS WANT NOW?????

SpongeBob: Squidward, can you please come to the final game tomorrow night? Even though you injured your testicle.

Squidward: Tentacle.

SpongeBob: Whatever.

Squidward: No, SpongeBob, I'm afraid I cannot.

SpongeBob: But why???? (frowns)

Squidward: I'm busy faking, I mean healing my tentacle.

SpongeBob: You pinched it with Larry's claw, right?

Squidward: Yes, I did it on purpose because I don't feel like playing tomorrow. I mean, it was a total accident! So unfortunate!

SpongeBob: Well, I'm willing to give you MY testicle!

Squidward: You mean tentacle.

SpongeBob: Yeah that.

Squidward: (sigh) You don't need to do that, SpongeBob. I wanna stay home and watch soap operas tomorrow night.

SpongeBob: No way! I refuse to lose tomorrow's game just because you couldn't play! (rips off his arm, and gives it to Squidward)

Squidward: Uh...heh-heh....that's kinda disturbing, SpongeBob.

[Blood is gushing out of SpongeBob's arm]

SpongeBob: I'm fine....(faints)

Patrick: Oh, yummy! Blood!

Squidward: Patrick, don't even think about eating his blood!

Patrick: (hangs up his cell phone) I was talking to Tiffany, for your information! ....hey, that IS a girl's name! I know one now! Yay!

Squidward: Good job, Patrick. You know a girl's name now!

Patrick: What's a girl?

Squidward: Never mind, just go home!

Patrick: But what about the game?

SpongeBob: (wakes up) Squidward, I ripped my arm off for you. (sniff) But you let us down. Let's go, Patrick.

Patrick: Yeah, let's leave this big meanie by himself.

[They turn to leave]

Squidward: Ohh....I feel a dirty conscious.

[A tiny angel-Squidward appears on his shoulder]

Angel Squidward: Shame on you! You made a commitment to the team, you need to be at the game!

Squidward: But I'll miss my soap opera!

[A tiny devil-Squidward appears on his other shoulder]

Devil-Squidward: Yeah, he'll miss his soap opera!

Angel-Squidward: You stay out of this!

Devil-Squidward: It only comes on once a week!

Squidward: (swats both of them) I've got this myself. Hey, SpongeBob! Patrick! Come back!

SpongeBob: (sniff) Yes, Squidward?

Squidward: I'll come to the game tomorrow.

SpongeBob: But what about your testicle, er, tentacle.

Squidward: It's not that bad. I was mostly faking, anyway.

SpongeBob: (jumps up) Yaaaaay!!!!

Squidward: And here, you can have your arm back!

SpongeBob: Yipeeeeeeee! I was wanting that back!

Squidward: Ya know what? For once, it feels good to do the right thing!

[Larry jumps onto the scene]

Larry: Looks like we'll have to do this the HARD WAY!!!!

Squidward: Wait, no, Larry, you don't understand-

Larry: (beats Squidward unconscious with a wooden mallet)

SpongeBob: Oh no! He's hurting Squidward!

Patrick: (eating rocks) Yeah, we should totally do something about that.

Larry: (buring Squidward's body with a blow torch, chopping him to pieces with an axe, releasing a tank of jellyfish to sting him)

SpongeBob: Larry, stop! He already said he'd come to the game tomrrow!

Larry: Oh....oops. Guess I got here a little late. Heh-heh.

Squidward: (moans on the floor)

Larry: We should probably get him to a hospital.

[Scene changes to Squidward in a full body-cast in a hospital bed]

Patrick: The little guy looks so cute in those bandages.

SpongeBob: Well, Doc, is he gonna be okay?

Doctor Fish: He'll survive.

SpongeBob: Yay!

Doctor Fish: Maybe.

SpongeBob: Awww.

Doctor Fish: Lol jk! He's fine, but he'll be in the hospital for quite a while, I'm afraid.

Larry: By any chance, will he be able to play in an important basketball game tomorrow?

Doctor Fish: (stares at Larry, and exits)

[LeBron, Krabs, and Plankton enter the hospital room]

LeBron: No! Squidward! Your injury was worse than I thought!

SpongeBob: This is a fresh injury, Coach.

LeBron: I bet I can geuss who's responsible for THIS!

Larry: (blushes, as he hides a chainsaw behind his back)

Krabs: Now what? We NEED to use him tomorrow!

Plankton: Guys! We still HAVE a 5th man!

LeBron: Who?

Plankton: ME, ya nut heads!

Krabs: But you're tiny.

Larry: And you suck.

LeBron: I REFUSE to use Plankton tomorrow! Squidward will play, no matter WHAT! Squidward: (gulp)

[Scene cuts to Squidward dribbling down the basketball court, in a full body-cast]

Squidward: This is igscruciatingly painful!

Larry: Speak up, Squiddy. We can't here you inside that body cast.

Plankton: I hate sitting on the bench!!!!!

[The clock is ticking down the final 10 seconds]

Opposing Player: (dribbles the ball down the court, accidentally trips)

SpongeBob: (picks up the ball)

[The score is Bulldogs 30, Seatown Strikers 32]

Larry: Shoot, SpongeBob, shoot!

SpongeBob: But I'm in the 3-pointer zone!

Larry: WE NEED A 3-POINTER TO WIN!!!! SHOOT IT!!!!!!

SpongeBob: But I...

LeBron: 5 SECONDS LEFT, SpongeBob!!!

SpongeBob: But I can't shoot a 3....

LeBron: 3 SECONDS!!!! THE ENTIRE FUTURE TOURNAMENT LIES IN YOUR HANDS, SpongeBob!!!!!

SpongeBob: (gulp) Here goes nothing. (he shoots)

Crowd: (gasps)

[The ball flies through the air]

SpongeBob: (closes his eyes)

[The clock ticks down.....3.....2.......1.....]

LeBron: SpongeBob. The game's over. You can open your eyes now.

SpongeBob: (keeps his eyes closed) I don't wanna know what happened! Don't tell me!

LeBron: SpongeBob.... (whispers into his ear) It went in.