Pilot (Truth or Square) (Transcript)

Perch Perkins: Hi, I'm Perch Perkins and I'm here with Eugene Krabs. Mr. Krabs what can you tell us about your new restaurant?

Mr. Krabs: At the Krusty Krab, we have everything for a ridiculously high price but everything is ridiculously small and nearly worthless!

Perch Perkins: But if that's true, how are you ever going to get a customer!?

Mr. Krabs: Well, I just made this sandwich that people will spend fortunes to eat!

Perch Perkins: What are you ever going to call this sandwich?

Mr. Krabs: Well, I was thinking.....KRABBY PATTY!!!!

French Narrator: Meanwhile....

Plankton (using a telescope): Krabs is being interviewed by Perch Perkins! Karen, my new Mac friend, what do you think I should do?

Karen (as a Mac): Don't ask me how to do it, but I suggest stealing..... THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA!!!!

Plankton: Of course! Now, I'm going to make twenty-six basic plans to help me steal it!

Plankton (opens a filing cabinet): I call them plans A-Z!

Karen (sarcastically) How original.

Plankton: Plan Z sounds a little risky and desperate, so I'll mainly use plans A-Y.

Karen: Say, what is Plan A?

French Narrator: Plan A

Plankton: Can I have the secret formula?

Mr. Krabs: No can do, Plankton, my new enemy.

Plankton: Barnacles!

French Narrator: Plan A Part 2

Plankton: Please?

Mr. Krabs: Nope.

French Narrator: Plan B

(A scene cuts to Plankton sneaking into the Krusty Krab, only to be seen by Mr. Krabs)

French Narrator: A few more failed plans.....

Karen: Congratulations, Plankton! You are now on Plan E!

Plankton: Maybe I should rest.....

French Narrator: At the Krusty Krab....

Perch Perkins: But how would you get someone to work at the Krusty Krab?

Mr. Krabs (suprised): I haven't thought about that yet!

Perch Perkins: Well, think it over quickly! The grand opening is tomorrow. Say, how much a salary will you think about paying them?

Mr. Krabs: A very low one

(Everybody laughs)

Mr. Krabs: Uh, that wasn't a joke!

Perch Perkins: Well, what's just end this interview to give Mr. Krabs time to think.

(the scene cuts to a tiki house)

Squidward (turns off his TV): Very low salary, eh? That's one place I will NEVER work at. My singing career isn't taking off yet and who knows if it ever will, but I'm not working there!

(the scene cuts to the Chum Bucket)

Plankton: Karen, I just figured out Plan E....Part 2!

Karen: What?

Plankton: I'm going to become one of the employees!

Karen: But Mr. Krabs knows you just want the formula.

Plankton: Maybe I can influence someone to help me!

French Narrator: Can you see where this is going?

(Plankton walks into Squidward's house)

Plankton: Hey, do you want to collaborate?

Squidward: With- (looks around) hey, who said that?

Plankton: I did!

Squidward: Who the barnacle are you?

Plankton: I'm Sheldon J. Plankton!

Squidward: Hello, Sheldon, I'm Squidward Q. Tentacles!

Plankton: Seriously, Squidward, just call me Plankton.

Plankton: Do you want to put an end to the Krusty Krab?

Squidward: End? It didn't even begin yet!

Plankton (shows a blueprint): This is the blueprint.

Squidward: Really? Wow, it looks culterless! OK, I'm in. What should we do?

Plankton: You aren't going to like this, but become an employee and secretly steal the secret formula!

Squidward: What secret formula?

Plankton: You know, the one for the Krabby Patty

Squidward: What's a Krabby Patty?

Plankton: The new sandwich Mr. Krabs is making.

Squidward: Who's Mr. Krabs?

Plankton: How much of the news cast did you watch?

Squidward: Really, I just watched the part about the very low salaries.

Plankton (sighs): Never mind. I'll tell you everything tomorrow.

French Narrator: Tomorrow....

Perch Perkins: Today, is the grand-opening of.....THE KRUSTY KRAB!

Mr. Krabs: Uh, Perch.....

Perch Perkins: WHAT! You still haven't thought of a way!?

Mr. Krabs: Frankly, my dear Perch, no.

Perch Perkins (sighs): Oh, well. It looks you all have to go back home.

Plankton (through a megaphone): Not so fast!

(Everyone begins to look around)

Plankton: Down here, you fools!

Everyone: Who are you?

Plankton: No time for introductions! I have an employee here named...Squidward Tentacles!

Squidward: Hello, Bikini Bottom!

(a cricket chirps)

Mr. Krabs: Excellent! You're hired!

Perch Perkins: That's it!? You just pick a guy off the street and give a job?

Mr. Krabs: Oh, everyone does that when a business first opens.

Plankton: Remember what to do Squidward?

Squidward: I'm starting to change my mind.

Mr. Krabs: His salary is only twenty-five cents with a possible raise of up to one dollar!

Squidward (angrily): I just changed my mind again, Plankton!

French Narrator: Later....

(Squidward sneaks to the secret formula vault)

Plankton: Yes! The secret formula is finally mine!

Squidward: "Finally"? But I thought that the formula is brand-new!

Plankton: You wouldn't believe what I went through the past forty-eight hours to get this.

Squidward: You only wanted an ingredient to a sandwich?!

Plankton: Really, it's not the ingredient that I want. Really, I just want to ruin Mr. Krabs's restaurant.

Unknown Voice: Stop right there!

Plankton and Squidward: IT'S THE COPS!

Police Officer #1: You're under arrest!

Plankton: Under what charge, you barnacle heads?

Squidward: Plankton, you can't talk to the police like that! But, seriously, under what charge?

Police Officer #2: It's illegal to steal anything from a place that's less than one week old!

Squidward: Seriously, that's a stupid law.

Police Officer #1: We know it is.

Plankton: But more than a handful of criminals got away with it before!

Police Officer #1: It's, uh, a new law.

Squidward: Then, why didn't you recapture them when that law began?

Police Officer #2: Well, can we arrest your green pal?

Squidward: Any more charges?

Police Officer #1: He stole something and insulted us.

Police Officer #2: Squidward, you're sentenced to work at the Krusty Krab for an entire year.

Squidward: WHAT?

Police Officer #1: It's only a year, then you can quit this dump!

(the officers walked away)

Squidward: Well, it can't be that bad....

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, just a fact, but the Krusty Krab was built where a dump was.

Squidward: WHAT!!!!!?????!

THE END!