PolarKey/Unaired BBM Pilot

Here it is, the unaired Bikini Bottom Mysteries pilot in all its glory. All of the transcript is in its raw material.

Transcript
(the episode begins in Hades and Leto's house, they are playing on the SEGA Mega Drive)

Hades: I just love SEGA!

Leto: Yeah, and Sonic is a real good game too.

Mum: Will you two turn it down? I'm trying to knit!

Hades: (he pauses the game) How many times do we have to tell you? You don't need peace and quiet to- (he sighs)

Mum: What's the matter, Hades?

Hades: Dad used to say that...

Leto: I miss Dad...

Mum: We all do but we must get over it.

Leto: Things just haven't been the same without him.

Hades: Yeah, our faces have been all over B-B-N! We're famous!

Leto: Really, Hades?

Hades: (sigh) No, of course not. I'm just trying to look on the bright side.

Leto: You mean with all the blood? Who could've murdered Father anyway and, and, why?

Mum: Your father was a banker, sweety, and bankers have what a lot of people want, money. As for who killed him, all the police could find were tiny, stubby fingerprints.

Leto: Wait, tiny, stubby fingerprints? But there's only one person in town who matches that description! What else do you know?

Mum: Well, the person in question must of been quite small to have those features and I do remember some type of food being mentioned...

Hades: Well that pretty much confirms it! Boy, this is like snap! Leto, should we?

Leto: We should, Hades! That guy deserves a rotten beating!

Mum: Be careful! He might murder you two too!

Leto: Nah. (cut to the Chum Bucket as Hades and Leto walk in)

Sheldon: Wow, customers! Can I get you anything?

Hades: Yes,

Leto: But we would rather save you the trouble.

Sheldon: Ha! See what you did there. Have some chum sticks, on the house. (he pulls two chum sticks out of his pocket) I've been saving these.

Leto: (to Hades) But he's not wearing any clothes...

Hades: Your time is up, Sheldon!

Sheldon: OK, enough jokes, John Cena. Here you go. (he reaches out to give the chum sticks to the twins but they reject) No likey? Alright. (tucks them back in his pocket)

Leto: You killed our father!

Sheldon: What the hel-ium? You can't just come right in here and accuse me of murder! Wait, your those defenceless kids from the news! Hans and the other one! Love the names by the way, are they Spanish?

Hades: Nobody changes the subject except for me! Now, just simply confess and we can call the cops and we'll part immediately.

Sheldon: Why would I confess to something I have no relation to?

Leto: OK, seriously. This is getting ridiculous! Just tell the truth!

Sheldon: I am! (pause) And I can prove it! I'll just collect last weeks' CCTV tape. (he briefly leaves)

Hades: I've seen a lot of murder mystery-s and he's making a run for it.

Leto: We're siblings, we both have. Just let him prove his innocence, he seems so convinced. (Sheldon returns with a old TV on a wheelie-table and the tape)

Sheldon: Here we go, let me just insert the tape. (he puts in the tape and we see the CCTV footage for CD/AE/CABG, Sheldon is simply just laying down head first on the floor of the Chum Bucket dining room, Sheldon fast forwards until we see him enter the kitchen, grab a knife and leave the building, two familiar faces enter the building in real time)

???: Aha! Caught ya red handed, Plankton!

????: Yeah!

Leto: Plankton?

Sheldon: Uh-oh.

Hades: It's the police!

???: Well, we might as well be as we caught you red handed stealing me formula!

Sheldon: Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: That's Mr. Krabs to you!

SpongeBob: And SpongeBob.

Leto: I'm really confused.

Sheldon: First of all, Plankton's just a nickname. I keep saying it over and over but people still won't call me Sheldon. Secondly, I confess. (pulls out the Krabby Patty Secret Formula) I stoll the secret Krabby Patty recipe.

Mr. Krabs: (taking the formula) And you thought you could get away with it! Now, while we can, SpongeBob let's go. (they begin to leave)

SpongeBob: (to Hades and Leto) I just wanna say, uh, it's been an honour meeting you.

Leto: No biggie. (they fully leave)

Hades: So, when you left with that knife, it was really just another really pointless and far-fetched attempt at stealing the Krabby Patty, sea's most famous burger, recipe.

Sheldon: Yes, I admit. But I gave it back so everything's alright again, isn't it?

Leto: I'll have to call the police and check but what I don't understand is what you did exactly to steal the formula. With a knife and all, y'know.

Sheldon: The far-fetched-ness is far-fetched.

Hades: (pause) Wait, is that Dad's wallet? (we see a wallet on a table in the far corner, Hades approaches it and takes out Dad's ID) It is his wallet! (looks at Sheldon) Hang on a minute.

Sheldon: What? How did that get there?

Hades: Stop acting so surprised. You DID kill him, didn't you?

Sheldon: No, I, uh, had no idea that was there. He must of came by and dropped it. Let's, uh, watch the tape. (he fast forwards the tape until Dad can be seen entering the restraunt)

Leto: That's Dad! What's he doing here? (Karen the Computer Wife takes Dad's order as he sits down and opens his wallet to pay for his meal and the camera cuts off) That's it?

Hades: Do you have any other CCTV cameras around here?

Sheldon: Of course not! Your father was my only customer, how would I pay for more?

Hades: Good point but who was that robot guy?

Sheldon: That's my wife, Karen. She's out shopping.

Hades: How sad.

Leto: Hang on, you said you had no relation to the crime when you clearly do. I know we don't have any authority but if there's anything else we must know, tell us.

Sheldon: Ugh, you got me. For the record I was out stealing the formula when that happened so don't blame me. The only fib I was telling was that I have two regular customers, well, one now. Obviously your Dad and there was this other guy who's quite dumb. Wait, the news said the crime was committed at your home. That means whoever killed him must be pretty dumb because bankers, your Dad is a banker right? (Leto nods) Bankers keep their money at the bank so the killer wouldn't gain anything  from killing your father. The news also said the killer had tiny, stubby fingerprints like mine. The guy in question ALSO has tiny, stubby fingerprints. SO HE MUST'VE KILLED YOUR FATHER!

Hades: Hold on, let's not jump to any conclusions like we did at the start of the episode. We should still investigate though.

Leto: Yeah, but it's getting pretty late. Do you know where this guy lives?

Sheldon: Me, no. But i know a guy who does.

Leto: Great, we'll come back tomorrow. Peace. (they leave)

Sheldon: Shoot. These kids are getting in the way of my evil schemes. I was getting so into it earlier! What if I turn into a detective freak? Ugh. I must do something to protect myself (turns to viewer) and something about this 'talking to audience' thing. (he goes into his bedroom where he grabs a gun and flees out the window and he arrives at Conch Street with the footage fading to black as a gunshot is heard)