Portable Problems

Portable Problems is the second episode of the spin-off, Sworn to Secrecy, and the second episode of season one. In this episode, Oscar assigns SpongeBob and Patrick to clear out his inbox. While doing so, Patrick finds an important message, and decides to save it on his Military Forensics Inc. USB, yet instead, accidentally sends it to a secret military base. In a succeeded attempt to retrieve the file, the military base sends the file to a place that's unexpected.

Characters

 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Patrick Star
 * Sandy Cheeks
 * Squidward Tentacles
 * Male Fish 1 (The Military Base Leader)
 * Miscellaneous Guards
 * Janitor (cameo)
 * Surprise Twist Character (you'll just have to read and see)

Transcript

 * [episode begins with a long shot of Bikini Bottom; camera begins panning around Bikini Bottom to reveal several fish, conversing; camera pans to reveal others walking their pets; camera pans to reveal a fish sleeping; camera pans to a medium shot of the ERGBB headquarters; camera pans slowly into Patrick's office; Patrick is sitting, working on his computer]
 * Patrick: [typing] Only two thousand more words to go, huh? [stops typing and leans back in chair] If that doesn't make this job less boring, I don't know what will.
 * SpongeBob: [walks in with mug of coffee] What makes the job less boring, Patrick? Besides showing up. [drinks another sip of coffee]
 * Patrick: Having to type up a three-thousand word report on the agency. It's not the best task in the world, but...
 * SpongeBob: But as long as you're doing it, [sits on desk] you get the big bucks, eh?
 * Patrick: [begins typing] You took the words right out of my mouth.
 * SpongeBob: I have my moments. [drinks more coffee]
 * Patrick: What did you get tasked with doing?
 * SpongeBob: Nothing that has to be done today. Lucky me, I guess.
 * Patrick: [turns to SpongeBob] Are you procrastinating...again?
 * SpongeBob: [holds up arms to sides] Hey. If it isn't against company rules, don't expect it not to be done.
 * Patrick: [turns back to computer] Yeah. You're seeing it right now. [begins typing] Work's been killing me lately. I had no choice but to procrastinate.
 * SpongeBob: Understandable. [looks in mug] Ah, no way. Out of coffee. Now I have to walk by [points with coffee cup] Oscar's office to get some more.
 * Patrick: The coffee room is past Oscar's office.
 * SpongeBob: [scoffs] If a miracle happens, maybe. It's in Oscar's office. He won't let me get any without him interrogating me about work. Isn't it our job to interrogate? Why is he treating us like the criminals?
 * Patrick: No idea. [looks at SpongeBob with smirk] Maybe because he wants us to do our best at the best spy agency in Bikini Bottom.
 * SpongeBob: [smiles] Whatever. [lies back on desk] We all need a break. If he gives us another assignment, I'll...
 * Oscar: [comes out of camouflage from ceiling] You'll do what? [floats down to SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: Ah! [stands up] Oscar! [holding chest] Don't frighten me like that. [breathing heavily] If you want me to take time off for disability, you don't have to make it where it's a heart attack.
 * Oscar: [floats to SpongeBob] The only time you'll be taking off is in the unemployment line! [looks at both SpongeBob and Patrick] Now look alive, men. I have a job for you too.
 * SpongeBob: Besides the one we already have?
 * Oscar: [looks back at SpongeBob slowly] Yeeees. [hisses]
 * Patrick: What's the job?
 * Oscar: I'm glad you asked, Patrick. [hands SpongeBob and Patrick two folders] I am giving you the secret links to my inbox. I need you to go into my inbox and delete every message in there. I would do it, but I have a life you know. [floats out of room]
 * SpongeBob: He has a life? Oh, and we don't? [turns to Patrick]
 * Patrick: [shrugs shoulders] Eh. [turns back to computer]
 * [scene cuts to a large computer room; SpongeBob and Patrick enter the room and walk over the reserved translucent, flat-screened computer, which is labeled Oscar]
 * SpongeBob: [wipes off dust] It seems like this computer hasn't been touched in weeks. Maybe even months.
 * Patrick: [sits down on seat; turns on computer] Doesn't matter. We have to get this done or our legs will be sore standing in the...
 * SpongeBob: ...Unemployment line? Seriously, what is Oscar going to do?
 * Patrick: [begins typing] Fire us.
 * SpongeBob: [scoffs] Whatever. Let's just get this over with.
 * Patrick: Working on it. Oscar's inbox must be huge. It's been taking like ten seconds just for it load. [inbox loads] Whoa. Thirty thousand whole messages. [hovers mouse over the "delete all" button] We better delete this as soon as possible.
 * SpongeBob: Hold it! [looks at one message] There's one message right there. It seems like it's from the...Sea Intelligence Agency?
 * [entire room gasps]
 * SpongeBob: Hey. Return to your work stations. Nothing to see here. [back to Patrick] We better save that message. You've got something for that, right?
 * Patrick: If I didn't, what kind of spy would I be? [holds up silver USB; plugs it into computer] Perfect. The USB should load up...[file loads up] instantly.
 * SpongeBob: Great! [phone rings; looks at phone] Ooh, I got to take this. [walks away]
 * Patrick: Okay. Looks like I'm on my own here. [opens folder on computer] There's two? [gazes at two titles with "Military" on them] Uh...I'm sure SpongeBob would know which one is which. [hovers mouse between both; clicks one] I'll choose this one. [computer pops up with "Sending"]
 * SpongeBob: [walks back; hangs up phone] So...uh...what's up with the file?
 * Patrick: Just sent it.
 * SpongeBob: [looks at computer] Perfect, then. [gasps; coughs] Patrick, [laughs nervously] I guess you really want us to get fired, huh?
 * Patrick: [turns around to SpongeBob] Get us fired?
 * SpongeBob: Oh, I just suspected since you [yells] sent the file to Fort Bikini Bottom!
 * [entire room gasps]
 * SpongeBob: Return to your stations! [back to Patrick] Do you know what you have just done, Patrick?!
 * Patrick: Sent one of the most important files under the sea to the harshest military base in all of the seven seas?
 * SpongeBob: [hissing] Precisely. [calms down] Okay. No need to worry. We just need to visit the base and ask them to give the file back.
 * Patrick: I doubt that a military base will just give us back such an important file.
 * SpongeBob: It's worth a shot. [walks to water cooler] Until then...[pours glass of water; pours water on computer, causing it to shut down]
 * Patrick: Uh...I don't mean to question you, but why didn't you just close the inbox?
 * SpongeBob: Can't hurt a sponge to come up with a back-up plan. [grabs Patrick by arm] Now come on. We need to get that file...before it's too late.
 * [camera pans to a restaurant; several fish are talking; others are walking; some are jogging; camera pans to the military base]
 * Patrick: [look at base] Are you sure we have to go in there?
 * SpongeBob: We wouldn't have to if you didn't send one of Oscar's most important files to this base.
 * Patrick: But I don't think they'll let us in through the front door.
 * SpongeBob: [laughs; pats Patrick on shoulder] You're fun, you know that?
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick, who walk up to the front door]
 * SpongeBob: Do you see any other way to get into the base other than the obvious way?
 * Patrick: [looks around] Nope. All I see is a ladder and a bunch of security cameras.
 * SpongeBob: Ladder and [looks around at security guards]...security cameras. Yeah, that's not gonna work. [leaps onto top of door hinge; continues to slide toward security camera; leaps and grabs door edge; kicks security camera; swings and kicks other camera; turns around and grabs ladder on side of building] Ready for a little spy action?
 * Patrick: You know I always am. [leaps and grabs ladder; begins climbing up SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: [reaches top of building with Patrick] We made it, Patrick. [begins looking for entrance] I don't see any traditional entrances into the base. [looks around fire escape wall] No one around here either.
 * Guard 1: [comes around corner; kicks SpongeBob to ground] I don't want any trouble, sir. [reaches for tazor]
 * SpongeBob: Too bad for you, sir, because you just got some. [props self up with hands]
 * Guard 1: I tried to warn you. [pulls out tazor; throws arm at SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: [flips out of way of arm; hits guard in chin; grabs collar and throws guard into wall, knocking guard out] Same here. [hears gun cocks]
 * Patrick: [backs away] SpongeBob, I think we have company.
 * SpongeBob: [reaches behind back for gun; finds emptiness; sighs] Curse you, Oscar.
 * Patrick: [pushes SpongeBob out of way] Duck, SpongeBob! [grabs police officer's gun] Now, gentlemen, we don't want any...
 * Guard 2: Yeah yeah. How about you put down the gun?
 * Patrick: I guess we're in a stand still then. [reaches for USB behind back; rips off cover, leaving thr silver metal] Nothing left to do then. [shoots bullet into air]
 * Guard 2: Fire! [shoots bullet; Patrick throws the USB cover]
 * [collision causes the explosion of the USB cover and the bullet]
 * Patrick: [climbs down ladder] Got to get away. Got to get away. [reaches bottom with SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: What do you say to a retreat, Patrick?
 * Patrick: Fine by me.
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick are stopped by two guards]
 * Guard 3: Not so fast!
 * SpongeBob: Oh, come on!
 * [scene cuts to the two muscular guards carrying SpongeBob and Patrick into the military base]
 * Patrick: Look on the bright side of this, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: What would that be, Patrick? At a time like this.
 * Patrick: We didn't have to find a complicated way to get into the base.
 * SpongeBob: I wish that were true. [places leg behind guard; flips, pinning guard to the ground]
 * Guard 3: Oh no you don't! [releases Patrick and runs toward SpongeBob]
 * Patrick: [jumps off wall; hops into ceiling; lands on board; falls down from ceiling; lands on Guard 3] How's that for awesome?
 * SpongeBob: Pretty awesome. [looks around; flips and kicks down security camera] But we're a long way from getting that file. [trap door sucks in both SpongeBob and Patrick; SpongeBob and Patrick both land in a candle-light, library room]
 * Patrick: Where are we?
 * SpongeBob: I wish I knew, Pat. [stands up; walks around] Not a place I would take up residence, though. [picks up vase] Just a bunch of junk. [cobweb falls on SpongeBob; brushes off cobweb] And dusty/
 * Voice: [bookshelf turns around; reveals male fish with gray suit] I can see you might have a career in critisizing, young sponge.
 * SpongeBob: Nonsense. You can obviously see that we're spies.
 * Voice: Spies? [chuckles] I would have guessed otherwise, what with all your lack of weapons.
 * Patrick: Are you in with the security guards? Because if you are, I am not in the mood for fighting. [sits down on chair]
 * Male Fish: Neither am I. [sits down at chair] Last time I fought was when I didn't want to eat my radishes when I was a child. In diapers, in fact.
 * SpongeBob: We don't want to hear your backstory. We want to know what we have to do to get back what we want.
 * Male Fish: What you want?
 * SpongeBob: We accidently sent a file to this military base. A very important file, indeed. So, here's how it's going to go. [points to male fish] You give us the file back. [points to self] We leave. The world is back into coordination.
 * Male Fish: Well, as the leader of this military base, I like to make the rules as I go. [presses button on desk; light flashes, blinding SpongeBob and Patrick]
 * SpongeBob: Block your eyes! [kicked my male fish; male fish grabs SpongeBob's feet; throws SpongeBob into wall; SpongeBob falls to ground; male fish places foot on SpongeBob's back]
 * Male Fish: [light turns off] Now do you see what happens when I don't get what I want?
 * SpongeBob: [grabs male fish's leg; slips male fish; catches male fish with feet; kicks male fish with bottom of feet; props self to feet] We're not leaving until we get that file, Mister.
 * Male Fish: So be it. [straightens suit; takes out USB from computer] You can have your blasted file.
 * SpongeBob: Why so many USB's nowadays? [holds out hand] We'll take that USB to go.
 * Male Fish: Beh beh beh. I said you could have your file. [throws USB; kicks USB into wall, breaking it] I didn't say how I would give it to you.
 * SpongeBob: [grabs male fish's collar] And I didn't say how I will break your...
 * Patrick: SpongeBob, not now! [points to television, where security guards are dispatched] We have more important problems. [takes male fish's laptop] Hope you don't mind.
 * Male Fish: Hey, that's my laptop!
 * SpongeBob: Just be glad we're not going to break it like a USB. [throws male fish into wall]
 * Patrick: [looks around; feels for escape] This area is enclosed, SpongeBob. There's only one way in but no way out.
 * SpongeBob: No! There has to be. [looks up] There's no air vents to get out?
 * Male Fish: [stands up] No! There's not! I made it that way because it gets so dang hot out here.
 * SpongeBob: Really? [looks around again] The walls are made of...[knocks on wall] wood, I presume.
 * Male Fish: Yes? What's your point? You're not going to bust out the room by breaking the wood, square man. There's a six-inch thick wall of metal behind that wood.
 * SpongeBob: [laughs] Why risk the pain, then? [looks at Patrick] Patrick, may you do the honors?
 * Patrick: [feels wall; opens up panel, revealing windows] Smart, SpongeBob. Smart.
 * [guards are heared charging toward the room]
 * SpongeBob: Compliments can wait, Patrick. [Patrick and SpongeBob leap out of room]
 * Guard 4: Where'd they go?!
 * Male Fish: [points to window] Out there!
 * Guard 4: [looks out window, only to see no one] They're gone.
 * [scene cuts to the agency; SpongeBob and Patrick are inside of the technical room on the male fish's laptop]
 * Patrick: That mean ol' fish may have ruined our USB with that file, but there's one thing he forgot to do. [pulls up important file] He forgot to activate the firewall. Kind of amateur for a military base leader, huh?
 * SpongeBob: Very much so. [smiles] Well, now that the file is safe...[computer beeps]
 * Patrick: Oh come on! [computer screen pops up with "Firewall has been activated"; lays head between arms on desk table]
 * SpongeBob: Looks like he's not as amateur has we thought.
 * Patrick: [lifts head and looks at SpongeBob; sighs]
 * [scene cuts to military base; the male fish is on another laptop; a guard is standing right beside him]
 * Male Fish: They may have the file, but they can't access it when the firewall is up. [closes laptop] Those fools are playing my patience. They think they've bested me. [stands up] No! With the firewall up, they can't read that file. [rubs hands] Yet, that doesn't mean they can't hack it. [reopens laptop] But no matter. [begins typing] I'll just send the file to...[laughs] a safe house. A safe house indeed.
 * [scene cuts back to the ERGBB agency technical room; SpongeBob and Patrick are still working with the laptop]
 * SpongeBob: [at water cooler; pours water into cup] So, do you think you'll be able to hack the firewall?
 * Patrick: Maybe. That depends on the coding. It could take days...maybe even weeks before we even get something.
 * SpongeBob: We don't even have hours. Oscar's going to check on our progress any hour on the hour now.
 * Patrick: Okay. Okay. The computer is working as fast as it...[computer beeps] Yes! The firewall is hacked! [begins typing] Okay. All we need is to access the file, and...we have nothing. [sighs]
 * SpongeBob: What?! [drops cup] Someone's cleaning that up! [walks to computer] What happened this time?
 * Patrick: It seems the file was sent to another source before we could access it.
 * SpongeBob: What source?
 * Patrick: Well, it was to an IP address known as..."Sass In The Bass"?
 * SpongeBob: "Sass in The Bass"? Bass? [gulps; sighs] Yeah. Does anyone else feel a faint coming on?
 * Patrick: Not yet. If we're going to have to see Brandon again, we need to save the faint for when things get worse. [begins walking away] And we know that's going to happen.
 * SpongeBob: [follows Patrick] Oh, do we now?
 * Patrick: Absolutely. [stops at door] And I think the worst is about to come even before we get to the government building.
 * SpongeBob: Why are we stopping at Sandy's office?
 * Patrick: Well...[looks at nervously at SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: [eyes widen] No. Oh no. [begins walking backward]
 * Patrick: It's going to be quick and painless, SpongeBob. Somebody has to tell her.
 * SpongeBob: Hey. That girl knows five forms of ninjitsu. I could lose a limb in there.
 * Patrick: But SpongeBob, you have to.
 * SpongeBob: Why me?
 * Patrick: [looks around; leans in] Because I don't want to. I could lose a limb.
 * SpongeBob: [scoffs] Oh, come on. Like I'm not?!
 * Patrick: Least likely. [opens door and pushes SpongeBob in] Good luck.
 * Sandy: [standing in front of SpongeBob] Why are you and Patrick talking all secretly in front of my door?
 * SpongeBob: Don't we work for a secret agency?
 * Sandy: You better tell me. What is going on?!
 * SpongeBob: It's going to take waaaay too much explaining to even summarize what's going on, but I'm going to put it like this: we need to go to the government meeting hall.
 * Sandy: [sighs; sits down at computer chair] Again?
 * SpongeBob: Yes, again.
 * Sandy: [looks at watch] It's only three after ten. I think we have enough time until noon when traffic clears. Tell me what's going on.
 * SpongeBob: It has to do with a very important file for Oscar. Patrick lost it.
 * Patrick: [heard outside of door] Hey! No names!
 * SpongeBob: So now, the military sent the file to the government building. Now, we need to gather the team to get it back.
 * Sandy: Gather the team? How will Squidward be any help?
 * SpongeBob: Because he's an asset to the team. [wiggles head] And because we need all the help we can get.
 * Patrick: [opens door] Really? Small agency, because out here, we need all the help we can get! [shuts door; presses red button, sounding an alarm; red light flashes in the hall]
 * SpongeBob: What's going on?
 * Patrick: It's an ambush! [SpongeBob, Sandy, and Patrick run out into hall]
 * [the hall is surrounded by scowering fish; the fish are running from a fish, dressed in a gray suit, armed with a bowstaff]
 * SpongeBob: Who's he?!
 * Patrick: No idea. He just walked in with this long stick. He hasn't hurt any yet.
 * Security Guard: Freeze! [runs out of room with other police officers]
 * Fish in Suit: [turns to police] Make me! [police fire bullets; fish in suit leaps into air; begins rotating the bowstaff, deflecting the bullets; lands on ground] I guess you can't. [throws bowstaff at police officers; bowstaff turns into net in midair; net covers the officers]
 * Sandy: I got this! [takes out pen; presses button, which turns the pen into a bowstaff; charges toward fish in suit] Time to meet your match! [swings bowstaff at fish in suit]
 * Fish in Suit: [blocks the bowstaff] When is he or she coming? [puts down bowstaff]
 * Sandy: Retrieting so soon? [puts down bowstaff] Obviously you want to talk.
 * Fish in Suit: Not exactly. [reaches into coat pocket]
 * Sandy: You know, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were reaching for a weapon. [reaches into pocket] I'll be ready for it.
 * Fish in Suit: Will you really? [takes out object]
 * Sandy: [throws a pin out of pocket into object, pinning it to wall] A piece of paper?
 * Fish in Suit: Yep. A note from the government. You guys didn't make them too happy. [leaps onto wall; jumps to next wall and into ceiling]
 * Sandy: [takes note] "We have received your message. Too bad we took it as an insult".
 * SpongeBob: [walks over with Patrick] An insult? How are we insulting the government?
 * Patrick: I don't know, but I don't like the sound of it. [puts note into pocket] We better get moving and fast.
 * Sandy: I might have to hang back. [looks around] In case some other goons come to the agency.
 * SpongeBob: The two musketeers? Again? [rolls eyes] Okay, then. Come on, Patrick.
 * Patrick: Sadly, I will.
 * [scene cuts to the government meeting hall; each room contains one person, receiving several calls on different phones; some government officials are strotting down the meeting hall]
 * SpongeBob: [under desk in empty room; speaking to Patrick] Okay, so here's the plan. We both split up. I'll go down the north side while you go east. When you go east, you'll be the closest to the inbox, which, luckily, is closed on Thursdays. On the north side is the technical room. I'll shut down the inbox right after you retrieve the message.
 * Patrick: Are you sure you're going to be safe?
 * SpongeBob: [laughs] If I wanted to be safe, do you think I would have joined a spy organization?
 * Government Official 1: [walks into room] Hello?! Who's in here?! Hello?!
 * Patrick: Uh oh. [leaps onto desk; leaps onto hands; kicks up and kicks the government official out of the room] Now what do I do, SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: [runs out of room] Oh no. This man has just had a heart attack! [flurry of fish surround the government official] Let's book! [SpongeBob and Patrick begin walking to the intersection of the hall] Clear of the plan?
 * Patrick: Yep. Just don't know how we're going to get through that. [points to emptiness]
 * SpongeBob: Get through what?
 * Patrick: [points to box on wall] That.
 * SpongeBob: No way! It's rigged! [facepalms; looks up and sees vent] Ready for a non-cliché path to our destinations?
 * Patrick: Don't mind if I do.
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick, crawling through the air ducts]
 * Patrick: [coughs] Gosh. You would think with all of the ventilation in here, it wouldn't be this dusty.
 * SpongeBob: Quit complaining. People will hear us.
 * Patrick: Never mind that. Mind the plan. How are we supposed to know north from south in these air ducts?
 * SpongeBob: Well, to trick burglars, government building's air vents blow west to lead the burglars, if they go into the air ducts, to a designated place where they can be jailed. Therefore, we need to avoid west.
 * Patrick: So, avoid the plan, is what you're saying?
 * SpongeBob: What are you talking about?
 * Patrick: According to the plan, I'm supposed to go west to the inbox room.
 * SpongeBob: That's right! And in order to get there, we have to pass the burglar holding cells. [sighs] Just great.
 * Patrick: Hmm. Maybe not. [holds up fists] We can get in anywhere we want with a little five finger action.
 * SpongeBob: I like that sense of style, Patrick. Maybe we can put those words to the test. [looks down; sees "Inbox" room] Bingo. Ready, Patrick?
 * Patrick: Always am. [SpongeBob and Patrick burst out of the air ducts]
 * Security Guard: [eyes widen] Johnson! [another guard runs out of room]
 * SpongeBob: [leaps toward security guard; hits security guard in nose, knocking him into wall] Out of our way or you don't get hurt. Well, more than you already are.
 * Security Guard: You think that hurt? I come from a town where pain only came when you lost a limb. [charges toward SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: [leaps over guard; touches wall with hands; kicks back on security guard] Then hold onto your leg. [security guard hits face on wall, knocking him out] Wow. That was a lame joke I just made.
 * Patrick: Step out of the way, and no one gets hurt here.
 * Officer Johnson: Oh, really? [takes out tazor]
 * Patrick: Or tazed. Either way, no one gets either of the above. [dodges tazor; flips onto hands; uses feet to kick the guard in the face] Looks like we have to resort to the first option. [lands on feet]
 * Officer Johnson: [wipes mouth] Pretty good fighter. I remember criminals like you. [charges toward Patrick]
 * Patrick: I bet you do. [grabs Officer Johnson's arm; flips Johnson; kicks him into other guard] Too bad I'm not a criminal.
 * SpongeBob: Whoo. What a workout. [walks over to Patrick] Who knew this plan makes you feel the burn?
 * Patrick: I would have if his tazor hit me.
 * SpongeBob: Speaking of tazors...[grabs tazor; uses it on door to short-circuit the lock; opens door] I'm in. Get to the inbox room.
 * Patrick: I will!
 * SpongeBob: [to self] Now to be ready. [closes door]
 * Patrick: [looks behind self to see more police officers] Oh, just great.
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob, walking around in the technical room]
 * SpongeBob: Whoa. This room is amazing! You can see everything in here! I even think this one is better than the one we have at our agency! [looks at large screen] Whoa. Security cameras of every single room in the government facility! [begins flipping through security cameras; sees Patrick, flipping from approaching bullets] Yikes. Oh, I bet he'll be fine. [turns the channel]
 * Voice: Stop messing with that stuff!
 * SpongeBob: [pulls out gun from suit] Show yourselves!
 * Janitor: [stands up from behind couch; holds hands up] Whoa. It's just me. The janitor. The only weapon I have is a wet mop, and that's saying something compared to the other janitors here.
 * SpongeBob: [puts gun in back of pants] What are you doing in here?
 * Janitor: Uh...hello. Janitor. I'm here to clean. [begins sweeping floor]
 * SpongeBob: Of course. Of course. [gets idea] Hey! I bet you come in here a lot, right?
 * Janitor: About three times a day.
 * SpongeBob: And I bet you know what those controls do, right?
 * Janitor: I may have touched a few buttons and what's-it's is my day.
 * SpongeBob: Do you mind telling me what they do?
 * Janitor: Listen. I'm a janitor, yet the agency even made me take an oath to keep whatever is in here absolutely under wraps. We can't even tell what we use for lighting.
 * SpongeBob: I'd say they are...Dual Halogen Blend 2.0 from...Cod Lighting Services. Correct?
 * Janitor: [sighs] Okay. What do you want to know?
 * SpongeBob: [smirks] Just a few things.
 * [scene cuts to the inbox room; Patrick is in the air ducts, using his laptop to connect to the inbox]
 * Patrick: Gosh. This building has, like, no firewall protection whatsoever. [begins typing] Here we are. The file. [takes out USB; plugs it into computer] Downloading. Downloading. Eighty percent. Ninety percent. One hundred percent! Whoo! [sighs] And buffering. Buffering. Rendering. Rendering. And...complete! Perfect! [closes laptop] Score for Patrick!
 * Security Guard 3: [opens door] I heard him come in here. I know it.
 * Patrick: Uh oh. [begins crawling] This air conditioner isn't the only heat on me.
 * [scene cuts back to the technical room; the janitor is showing SpongeBob some of the controls]
 * Janitor: And this is used to cut security footage from any room in the entire building.
 * SpongeBob: Really? I think you know where this is going.
 * Janitor: [sighs] Fine. [presses button, turning off the footage in the technical room]
 * Patrick: [breaks in through air ducts] I'm here. I got the message!
 * SpongeBob: [presses button; computer says "Inbox has been deleted"] Let's get out of here, Patrick. The two musketeers are late for not being here.
 * Janitor: Whoa. [steps in front of SpongeBob] I can't just let you leave.
 * SpongeBob: [kicks over water bucket] Can you now?
 * Janitor: [growls] If I weren't paid to clean this mess up...[begins cleaning up spill]
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick, sneaking beside corner to exit the government facility]
 * SpongeBob: We're almost there.
 * Patrick: Yes! Finally, this whole thing is going to be over. We have the file and the government will never know we took it.
 * SpongeBob: [peeks around corner] Don't speak too soon, Patrick. The government's not our only problem as of right now.
 * Patrick: Huh? [peeks around corner; sees military leader around the corner, shaking hands with a government official] Not now! Not while we're outnumbered!
 * SpongeBob: Don't worry. We won't have to fight them. [looks closer to see government official, handing the military leader a USB] Not unless they have a USB as well!
 * Patrick: What?! [holds up USB] They must have put the file on the USB before we did.
 * SpongeBob: Then, get ready for some brawling.
 * Patrick: We can't just brawl. We have to plan. Just pretend as if you're walking out of the building like any other normal citizen. We'll go unnoticed.
 * SpongeBob: Okay, you're right. [inhales; exhales] Let's go. [Patrick and SpongeBob begin walking speedily out of the government building; looks back at the USB] No, Patrick! We can't leave.
 * Patrick: What do you mean?
 * SpongeBob: We got ourselves into this mess, and we have to get out of it, or else we'll put the whole agency, maybe even the whole ocean, in danger! Who knows what's on that USB? On our USB.
 * Patrick: [sighs; pause] I guess you're right, SpongeBob. Let's do this for the agency.
 * Guard 4: Agency, you say? [slips both SpongeBob and Patrick with foot]
 * SpongeBob: Oof! [kicks up and kicks the guard back; leaps behind guard and grabs arm] Looks like you really want a broken arm. [guard lifts SpongeBob and throws him]
 * Guard 4: And it looks like we have ourselves some spies.
 * Male Fish 1: Well well well. If it isn't you two again. [walks toward SpongeBob and Patrick] I see that you two have spotted our little hand-off.
 * SpongeBob: [stands up along with Patrick] That's right. And we're not happy with it. I suggest you hand over the USB and we won't have to cause a scene in front of the fish here.
 * Male Fish 1: [laughs] Negotiation. Aren't you adorable?
 * SpongeBob: [kicks Male Fish 1 away with foot] No. I'm not. Neither is my partner here. Tell them, Patrick.
 * Patrick: Tell them what?
 * Male Fish 1: [stands up] I see how you want to play it. I think two can play at this little game. [presses button; six guards teleport behind Male Fish 1] Or should I say seven? [teleports guards] The guards and I would love to join this little game night.
 * SpongeBob: Where did you take them?
 * Male Fish 1: Just to your little agency. But don't worry. Soon, they'll be no agency left.
 * Patrick: You little sneak! [charges at Male Fish 1 along with SpongeBob]
 * Male Fish 1: You fools! [presses button; all are teleported to roof] You can't defeat me! [slips a charging SpongeBob and Patrick] I'm invincible as long as I have this remote. You can't defeat me! Nor could you before! Never can you now!
 * SpongeBob: [sits up] Before? What do you mean before?
 * Male Fish 1: You really haven't noticed, have you? [presses another button; turns into Brandon]
 * SpongeBob: Brandon Bass?!
 * Brandon: That's right! [laughs evilly] It was me all along! Plotting my revenge all that time has made me realize what I really needed. I needed to take down all my obstacles. Therefore, leaving a clear path for me to get what I want. So clear, in fact, all I needed was me and this remote!
 * Patrick: But why, Brandon? Why?
 * Brandon: Because, you imbecile, I'm evil! [evilly laughs]
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick stand up, angrily]
 * Brandon: Guards! [guards block Brandon]
 * SpongeBob: This thing just got a little more complicated.
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, lying on the ground, obviously in pain]
 * Squidward: [holding stomach] You still...[falls to ground from crawling] haven't told me why you are here.
 * Guard 5: [places foot on Squidward] Because we were told. That's all we needed.
 * Sandy: [jumps from wall; tackles Guard 5; ties up guard with rope] Take that! [another guard approaches; Sandy flips over approaching guard; pulls on rope, hitting the tied-up guard into the approaching guard, knocking both of them out] That's how we do it espionage style. [runs to Squidward] Squidward! Squidward, are you okay?
 * Squidward: [sits up] Well, that depends. Are the mean men gone?
 * Sandy: Not gone. Just unconscious. [looks at one guard's wrist and sees watch] Well this is peculiar.
 * Squidward: What is?
 * Sandy: Well, this guard is wearing a watch, yet it doesn't show the time.
 * Squidward: [grunts standing up] Maybe it's not a watch at all.
 * Sandy: Yeah. Maybe not. [turns watch; the guards, Sandy, and Squidward are teleported]
 * [scene cuts to the roof, where SpongeBob and Patrick are fighting the guards]
 * SpongeBob: [hits guard in nose] Had enough yet?
 * Guard 6: [lifts SpongeBob] That depends. How much energy do you have left? [throws SpongeBob into Patrick]
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick are left lying on the ground, half-conscious]
 * Brandon: Ha ha ha! I told you that you couldn't defeat me!
 * Patrick: [groggily] Technically, we...didn't defeat...you. We defeated...your...guards. [falls down] Well, at least almost.
 * Brandon: Eh. Potato tomato. Tomato potato.
 * [Sandy, Squidward, and the unconscious guards are teleported to the roof]
 * Sandy: Well if that wasn't weird, then I don't know what is anymore.
 * Brandon: Guards, attack!
 * Squidward: Brandon?! What is he doing here? [kicks guard away; cartwheel kicks away; flips onto hands and kicks another] Gosh, there are a lot of guards.
 * Sandy: Yeah. It's almost as if they're coming by command. Almost as if by...[sees Brandon's remote] A remote! Of course! [kicks guard into remote, breaking it when he falls]
 * Brandon: No! [growls] You guys broke my remote!
 * Squidward: What are you going to do about it? Cry? [nasally laughs]
 * Brandon: I was thinking something else. [takes out both USBs] Both of these USBs contain the important message. [looks down] And we're about two hundred feet in the air. Who wants to make a bet?
 * SpongeBob: [stands up] Don't do it! If we lose the file and you lose the file, then we're both losers!
 * Brandon: That's the good thing about being a bad guy, SpongeBob! You don't always have to win every battle!
 * Sandy: [to self; looks at watch on guard's arm] I guess he's right. You don't have to win every battle. [grabs watch; opens watch] Just as I thought. Alkaline metal. Looks like this is a win/lose situation. [takes out alkaline metals; heats the metal; throws the metal at the USBs] Brace yourselves!
 * [SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, and Squidward brace themselves; explosion occurs at the top of the building]
 * SpongeBob: [coughs and whiffs away smoke] Was that really necessary, Sandy?
 * Sandy: [coughs] If we wanted to protect the most important file in the ocean, it was probably our only option.
 * Patrick: Yeah. [coughs]
 * Squidward: Too bad the file's gone forever.
 * Patrick: Not exactly. [takes out laptop] The file is still saved right here on the laptop.
 * Sandy: Perfect! We better get it back to the agency.
 * SpongeBob: [sniffs] That might be a problem. [opens laptop lid] I thought I smelled...microprocessor.
 * Patrick: It must have been destroyed in the battle! Now what?
 * SpongeBob: Maybe this is just one secret we should keep to ourselves. I bet if that file was all that important, it would have been sent directly to Oscar's office computer, right?
 * All Group: Yeah. I think so. Sounds reasonable.
 * Patrick: Well, we better get going. We have a report to finish.
 * SpongeBob: We? Remember, procrastinator. [team leap from the roof of the building]
 * [police sirens in the distance; smoke and fire is rising from the top of the building]
 * [episode ends]