The Party

The Party is the first episode of Ttyl.

Plot
Patrick is determined to get his friend SpongeBob laid before his 17th birthday. His parents are going out of town for the weekend, so he decides to throw a party; however, things don't turn out so well when someone brings LSD to the party, causing Sandy to have a bad trip.

Transcript

 * Scene opens up to an alarm clock at 6:59. SpongeBob is snoring in bed, and the alarm goes off when it reaches 7:00. SpongeBob stretches, climbs out of bed, does some pushups, and goes downstairs where his mom and stepdad are, eating breakfast.
 * SpongeBob's Mom: Good morning, sweetheart.
 * SpongeBob's Stepdad: Oh, so he finally decided to get out of bed.
 * SpongeBob: Piss off, Frank, you're not killing my good mood. (puts a piece of bread in the toaster)
 * SpongeBob's Mom: SpongeBob! Apologize to your dad right now!
 * SpongeBob: He's not my dad. Jesus, just let me get some toast before I have to go to school.
 * Frank: (standing up) You wanna be a smartass with me? Just because you're sixteen doesn't mean I can beat your ass into-
 * SpongeBob's Mom: Sit down, Frank.
 * Frank heads into the other room to cool down.
 * SpongeBob's Mom: Why do you always have to provoke him?
 * SpongeBob: Why does he have to be such an asshole?
 * SpongeBob's Mom: Well, if you'd stay out of each other's way...
 * SpongeBob: I try to! He started something, so I threw it right back at him! Why are you trying to fill the void after Dad left with someone like him?
 * SpongeBob's Mom: He's a respectful man with good money!
 * SpongeBob: That doesn't change the fact that he's a prick!
 * SpongeBob's Mom: I won't talk to you with an attitude like that. (looks down, ignoring SpongeBob and resuming her breakfast)
 * SpongeBob: Neither will I. (SpongeBob's toast pops out of toaster, and his phone dings in his pocket. SpongeBob picks up the phone to see a text message from Patrick.)
 * We need to talk. Meet me in the restroom after first period. Ttyl.
 * SpongeBob: Wonder what that's about. (takes a bite out of toast)
 * Cut to SpongeBob entering the restroom after the first period bell rings. Patrick is already in there, waiting for him by the sinks.
 * SpongeBob: What's up?
 * Patrick: You're getting laid.
 * SpongeBob: What? (thinks for a second) Oh, no, no, no...Patrick, we're friends and all, but I never knew you liked me in that-
 * Patrick: Not like that, idiot. (pulls a cigarette out and lights it) What I'm sayin' is that you're getting laid. By a girl. Within a week.
 * SpongeBob: Why?
 * Patrick: Why? Because you're turning seventeen in a week. And I can't be friends with somebody who's seventeen and a virgin. (takes drag off cigarette)
 * SpongeBob: I just haven't found the right girl yet.
 * Patrick: Well, you're gonna find one. Cuz I'm having a party this weekend. Inviting a bunch of chicks.
 * SpongeBob: You're having a party?
 * Patrick: Yeah, my parents are going out of town. (takes another drag) Business trip or some shit.
 * SpongeBob: You're sure I can get laid that easy at a party?
 * Patrick: Dude, these chicks are gonna be drunk, relaxed, and willing.
 * SpongeBob: I don't know...
 * Patrick: (after cigarette burns out, throws on ground) What's there not to know?
 * SpongeBob: I don't know if I want my first time to be some...casual screw, y'know?
 * Patrick: (laughs) Pussy.
 * SpongeBob: I'm not a pussy!
 * Patrick: Then prove it. Party's gonna be on Saturday. 9:00 sharp. Don't be late. (heading out of bathroom) Oh yeah, and bring a condom. (laughs)
 * SpongeBob stands in the bathroom for a while thinking after Patrick leaves, before the bell rings.
 * SpongeBob: Damn it! (runs out of bathroom)
 * Three days later...
 * Cut to SpongeBob heading downstairs where his mom and stepdad are watching television.
 * SpongeBob: I'm heading out.
 * SpongeBob's Mom: Be home by midnight.
 * Frank: Wait a second. Where are you going?
 * SpongeBob: None of your concern. (heads out the door)
 * Frank: Do you see the way that little shit talks to me? Someone's gotta teach him a lesson.
 * SpongeBob's Mom: He's sixteen. They all act like that.
 * Cut to SpongeBob going towards Patrick's house. There are lots of cars outside. He enters and finds loud party music blaring as people are dancing and making out. Patrick notices SpongeBob and comes toward him.
 * Patrick: Sponge! Glad you could make it. Guess you're not a pussy after all.
 * SpongeBob: (smirks) Told you.
 * Patrick: Anyways, we've got dancing, alcohol's over there, and strippers are over there. Eh, yo, ladies!
 * Two young ladies with pasties over their breasts and short shorts come over to Patrick.
 * Patrick: Meet my friend SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: (nervously) Hello, ladies.
 * One of the strippers starts touching his hands and laughs.
 * Stripper #1: Such small hands...does that mean he has a small dick, too? (laughs)
 * SpongeBob blushes as the two ladies walk away laughing.
 * Patrick: I think they like you!
 * Cut to Sandy sitting on a couch alone with a beer, when suddenly her phone rings.
 * Sandy: Hello? Mom? Where am I...what? I told you I was leaving twenty minutes ago. (sigh) I'm at Patrick's house. Love you too. (clicks off phone) Was probably too busy getting penetrated to notice.
 * SpongeBob walks over to Sandy.
 * Sandy: Hey, Spongy. How's it goin'?
 * SpongeBob: Humiliating. Two strippers just insulted my wang size.
 * Sandy: Yikes, that's rough. You bored too?
 * SpongeBob: Yeah. I only came because Patrick wanted to get me laid, but to be honest I don't see any girls here who would be interested.
 * Sandy: Maybe they're closer then you think. (smiles)
 * SpongeBob: (smiles back) Yeah...maybe they're on the dance floor! (runs to dance floor)
 * Sandy: (sigh) That wasn't what I meant. (takes sip of beer)
 * Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick dancing on the dance floor, with SpongeBob eyeing a few girls suggestively as he dances. Instead of being interested, they laugh at him. His eager smirk turns to a frown.
 * SpongeBob: (stops dancing) This isn't working.
 * Patrick: Sure it is! Dance harder.
 * SpongeBob: No it's not. This whole thing is bullshit.
 * Patrick: Don't just give up like that. We can still-
 * SpongeBob: No, I'm going to watch TV with the other guys.
 * SpongeBob leaves Patrick to go into the living room, where Squilliam, Larry, and Squidward are watching TV with two bottles of vodka and some shot glasses. It's not shown what they are watching, but from the music, sighs, and moans it's obvious.
 * Squilliam: Hey, I thought of a game: Drink every time someone who looks like Squidward's mom pops up.
 * Squidward: (getting in Squilliam's face) Shut the hell up before I make you.
 * Squilliam: (gets closer to Squidward) Are you threatening me?
 * Squilliam clenches his fist. Squidward flinches, and Squilliam laughs.
 * Squilliam: You're all talk, Squiddy. (takes a shot of vodka)
 * Squidward: That did not look like my mom!
 * Squilliam: You didn't even see it!
 * Squidward: Yes I did, and that was a guy!
 * Squilliam: Exactly. (laughs)
 * Squidward: Larry, did that look like my mom?
 * Larry: No idea, I wasn't paying attention.
 * Squidward: SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: I, um...
 * Squidward: Oh, you're all a bunch of pricks!
 * Patrick enters and looks at the television.
 * Patrick: Is that porn?
 * Squilliam: Yep.
 * Patrick: How much did that cost?
 * Squilliam: $19.99, before tax.
 * Patrick: I hate all of you. (looks at SpongeBob, silently sitting on the couch) Especially you.
 * SpongeBob: Hey, what did I do?!
 * Patrick: Shove it, cherry boy.
 * Patrick leaves as SpongeBob gets a sad expression on his face.
 * Larry: What was that about?
 * SpongeBob: Patrick's making fun of me because I'm still a virgin.
 * Squidward: Wait a second, you're still a virgin? And you're seventeen?
 * SpongeBob: I'm almost seventeen.
 * Squidward: Still!
 * Squilliam: Oh, shut up, Squidward. Like anyone with eyes has ever banged you.
 * Squidward: Yes, they have!
 * Squilliam: Yeah, what's her name?
 * Squidward: Squilvia.
 * Squilliam: (laughs) Bullshit. She's not into you.
 * Squidward: (in an angrier tone) Is so!
 * Squilliam: I've never seen her so much as take a glance at you. Your sexual fantasies don't count. (laughs harder, and takes another sip)
 * Squidward: AND THAT DID NOT LOOK LIKE MY MOM!
 * Cut to Sandy sitting alone, when Pearl comes up to her.
 * Pearl: Hey. You look lonely.
 * Sandy: I am. And pissed.
 * Pearl: Why are you pissed?
 * Sandy: Because SpongeBob's so oblivious. So lost in his own little world. He came here to get laid, and I'm right here and he hasn't paid me any mind.
 * Pearl: That's rough. Hey, you want something? (pulls out a pill bottle with tabs in it)
 * Sandy: What is it?
 * Pearl: Good ol' LSD. This'll make you forget all your problems.
 * Sandy: I dunno. I've never tried anything stronger then weed.
 * Pearl: C'mon, it's not bad! You'll just like, trip out for 20 minutes, and then crash.
 * Sandy: Well...okay. (takes two tabs and pops them in her mouth)
 * Pearl: Alright!
 * Long awkward silence as Sandy is frozen after taking the tabs.
 * Pearl: Sandy?
 * Sandy forces Pearl into an intense make-out session, sticking her tongue down her throat. Pearl pulls back in disgust.
 * Pearl: What kind of weird-ass trip are you on?
 * Sandy: I...I...I can't feel anything.
 * Pearl: Sandy...
 * Sandy: WHY CAN'T I FEEL ANYTHING?
 * Pearl: Oh, shit.
 * Sandy leans over behind her couch and vomits, then starts running around the party.
 * Pearl: Sandy, wait! (chases after her)
 * Sandy runs into the living room.
 * Sandy: SPIDERS! THERE ARE SPIDERS EVERYWHERE!
 * SpongeBob: What the hell is going on?
 * Squilliam: Her eyes are red, man. She's high. (takes a shot)
 * Squidward: You weren't even looking at the screen!
 * Squilliam: I know, I just needed a drink. (chuckles)
 * Larry: Dude, she's foaming at the mouth. I think she's having a bad trip. I was talking to Pearl earlier and she had some tabs with her, and then her and Sandy started talking. Pearl probably offered some up to her.
 * SpongeBob: Do we need to get her to a hospital?
 * Larry: And explain we were all a party drinking and doing drugs? Hell no. Get her to a bedroom and lock the door.
 * Sandy: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
 * SpongeBob drags Sandy to Patrick's mom and dad's bedroom, as she kicks and screams along the way.
 * Sandy: WHO ARE YOU? LET GO OF ME!
 * SpongeBob: Sandy, it's going to be okay.
 * Sandy: HELP! MOLESTER!
 * SpongeBob enters the room, closing the door behind him and placing Sandy on the bed.
 * Sandy: WHY AM I SEEING COLORS? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY DIFFERENT COLORS? (sobs, and then falls unconscious)
 * SpongeBob: That wasn't pretty. Note to self: Stick to weed.
 * SpongeBob looks longingly at the passed out Sandy, looks behind him, and decides to peek up her skirt. He sighs in pleasure peeking at her panties until a voice behind him causes him to jump.
 * Patrick: Y'know, you could just screw her now.
 * SpongeBob: (jumps) Don't scare me like that ever again.
 * Patrick: C'mon, just bang her. She'll never know. Do you want to be a cherry boy your whole life?
 * SpongeBob: Shut up.
 * Patrick: What?
 * SpongeBob: Shut up! Just because I'm a virgin doesn't give you the right to ridicule me and think you're better then me, simply because it's easy for manipulative guys like you to screw any woman you want! I'm tired of you always thinking you're the hottest shit in the world just because your parents are completely checked out of your life! No one would even be friends with a twat like you if it wasn't for the fact that your house is always open for parties!
 * Patrick slaps SpongeBob.
 * Patrick: I don't think you understand how the world works, Spongy. Nice guys finish last. Which explains the reason why you're a cherry boy, and such a pussy; you're the one who thinks you're better then everyone just because you "haven't found the right girl yet". Grow the hell up, you yellow nuisance. The real world won't take sympathy on you just because they think you're cute.
 * SpongeBob, without a comeback, huffs out angrily.
 * Patrick: Hey, you forgot something!
 * No response.
 * Patrick: If you don't take her, I'll have my way with her body!
 * SpongeBob reenters, takes Sandy's unconscious body with him, still angry, flipping Patrick off on the way out.
 * Patrick: Oh, you absolute badass. (laughs)
 * SpongeBob heads back to the couch, where the other guys are passed out on the floor, with the vodka spilled all over Squilliam. Most everyone else is passed out as well. Sandy suddenly begins to awake in SpongeBob's arms.
 * Sandy: S-SpongeBob? What happened?
 * SpongeBob: You had a bad trip. Don't do shit like that, love.
 * Sandy: A bad trip? I did drugs?
 * SpongeBob: I'll explain more to you later. (embraces Sandy) Everyone's passed out now.
 * Sandy: Maybe we should go home.
 * SpongeBob: Nah, I'm too tired.
 * Sandy: Okay, let's...let's just stay like this.
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, this is nice.
 * Sandy: Good night, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Good night, Sandy.
 * The two of them close their eyes and begin to fall asleep, as the room zooms out to a whole shot of everyone unconscious surrounded by alcohol, bongs, and vomit, with porn still going on the television. The shot zooms in to the dance floor, where Pearl is passed out, presumably after a trip of her own. Cut to Patrick sleeping alone in his mom and dad's room. Patrick's phone goes off, but he obviously is unconscious and cannot answer it. The text from the phone appears on screen, and reads "Mom: On the way home." Fade to black, and then credits.

Trivia

 * This episode is rated 15 by the BBFC for frequent moderate language, sex references, and images of drug use.