Prima Vodka

"Prima Vodka" is a Season 1 episode of Life in Bikini Bottom. It is rated TV-14-DLV and C.

Characters

 * SpongeCock SquarePants
 * Eugene F. Kraps
 * Professor Sedgewick (debut)
 * Vodka Producers
 * Puff Daddy (guest cameo)
 * Assy Cheeks (mentioned)
 * Pissing Pearl
 * Sheldon D. Bastard
 * Imaginary Minature Devil (debut) (cameo)
 * Imaginary Minature Angel (debut) (cameo)

Synopsis
SpongeCock and Professor Sedgewick create a luxury alcoholic vodka drink, but Sedgewick has to hide the fact that the main ingredient is plutonium. Sean Combs, also known as Puff Daddy, makes a guest cameo!

Plot
The plot starts at The Krusty Kock where SpongeCock is bored selling the same drugs every day. All he deals is weed, weed, and weed. He complains to Kraps, and he somewhat agrees that these types of drugs are kind of hard to sell for an overly priced drug. Kraps then has to go because he has to go on Watch Fatrick Take a Crap Duty, but SpongeCock is annoyed. He then thinks of an idea that may get him more prophet than lame old weed: sell vodka.

Our whole universe was in a G and PG state

Then nearly fourteen billion years ago was inappropriate, wait

Fatrick shit a stool, Shitward began to drool

They invented crap that rules

We built a great, great wall (we started cursing)

Shit, titties bursting, unraveling the coercing

''This is Life in Bikini Bottom! PG-13!''

He starts looking for alcohol in The Krusty Kock, but he can't seem to find it. Mr. Kraps comes back, but he can't help SpongeCock because he was getting money so he could go to the strip club where Assy Cheeks promised to give him a lap dance. He then realizes that there is some alcohol in Kraps' safe, but he can't grab it in time. He also doesn't know the combination, so he can't open it.

SpongeCock goes all over the place: The Cum Bucket, The Vodka Store, The Bar, everywhere. But he can't find the right ingredients. However, a professor hears that he is in the looking for vodka, and he says that he is an alcohol scientist. He introduces himself as Professor Sedgewick and leads SpongeCock to his office. SpongeCock finds out that Sedgewick's office is fairly small, with a couple stripper portraits across the wall and a big table in the middle of the room covered in papers. Professor Sedgewick asks SpongeCock to take a seat and attempts to work out a deal for the vodka. Sedgewick sells the vodka at a decent price for a decent amount of production time. SpongeCock agrees with this offer and signs a paper agreeing with Professor Sedgewick producing vodka for him to sell. SpongeCock and Sedgewick also start making luxury vodka. They get alcohol and starch and start to distil it. After a bit, they taste it and they think it's good. However, Fatrick comes by and drinks all of it, making him drunk. A time card says "Another Batch Later" and they start putting the vodka in bottles. They think it's the best vodka they ever had. They then ship it off to a few stores and bars. They plan to be selling it for $50 bucks a liter.

However, the outcome isn't so good. Although Sedgewick and SpongeCock like it, the Bikini Bottomites don't. They complain about the taste as it's not as good as other vodkas. They even ask for refunds, as they think it's ridiculous to pay $50 for terrible vodka partly made with cum. That night, SpongeCock goes into Sedgewick's lab to find a batch of vodka. He then goes to grab some ingredients, in which he finds that he is all out of ingredients to make the vodka! Curiosity spreads throughout SpongeCock as he suddenly remembers that he has plutonium in his left pocket that was given to him by Shitward, who apparently works part time in an experimental lab, for a couple hundred bucks. SpongeCock wondered how the vodka would react if he dropped the plutonium into the drink. SpongeCock, wanting to be satisfied, drops the plutonium inside the cup of vodka. The vodka turns green and looks like acid, and gushes out of the cup. However, SpongeCock goes to take a sip of it. Since there is a poisonous element in it, though, he has second thoughts. "Eh, what the hell," SpongeCock says as he takes a sip. "This...is....PERFECT!" he says after drinking the whole substance. He then puts it away as he is worried if Sedgewick will see it, but right at that moment, Sedgewick walks in. SpongeCock shrieks and he quickly hides the drink behind his back. Sedgewick came in because he heard a strange sizzling noise. A miniature devil appears over SpongeCock and tells him to hide it so he can make a fortune by himself, but SpongeCock says "AHH! DEVIL!" and kills it with a book labeled "How To Make Quality Vodka." A miniature angel comes and tells him to admit it, but SponeCock says "AHH! ANGEL!" and kills it with the book as well. Overly pressured, he then admits it to Sedgewick and hands the luxury beverage to Professor Sedgewick. Sedgewick takes a sip seems to be very pleased with it. Sedgewick says, "SpongeCock me boy, this is a turning point for this vodka business. We shall live in fame and fortune!" SpongeCock is surprised to see Sedgewick happy about this accidental discovery and agrees that this new vodka should replace the old vodka.

The episode then cuts to the store where the new vodka is sold, which is now apparently called "Pluto Vodka" by Professor Sedgewick. The outcome is very successful. Many people are rushing into the alcohol stores and bars that can’t wait to try it out. Even Sheldon D. Bastard, SpongeCock’s enemy, likes it. Within the first day, Sedgwick and SpongeCock are covered with mula and decide to buy a mansion with it. Unexpectedly, there is $1,000,000 in that stack, which is just enough to buy exactly what they want. Sedgewick walks into it, amazed by the beauty. His lab is not too far away as well. SpongeCock comes to the conclusion that people really like his vodka. Sedgewick also lets SpongeBob have a backup room in the mansion as well.

A time card shows up that says “2 Weeks Later.” It cuts to a lab that produces vodka. They are creating their newest substance that they will name “Vodka X.” However, when a scientist turns on a TV to take a break, a news flash comes up, saying “New vodka created by Professor Sedgewick and SpongeCock SquarePants is really hitting the streets.” The workers obviously get mad and annoyed that they have stiff competition. The owner of the brand also sees it and gets pissed. He tells the workers that they better come on top or that he might have to be firing some people. The scientists then get right to work. After about 3 hours, they get no progress. “Eh….this is taking too much damn time. Wait, I have an idea!” a worker named Vert says, “Maybe, just maybe, we can get all of the ingredients out of those fools. Then we can copy them.”

The next day, Vert and a guy with “Johnny Crackwhore” on his nametag on his shirt are walking up to the lab, where SpongeCock is working on another batch of vodka. He stops and him and Sedgewick go up to meet them. Johnny greets himself by saying “Good afternoon, sirs. We are inspired by your impressive vodka. My name is Johnny Cr-” “No, you fool! Don’t say you’re real name,” Vert whispers. Johnny then says his name is Johnny Vodkawhore and that he would like to know the ingredients. Sedgewick is very nervous since it could be a huge risk to give away his very high rated vodka, but SpongeCock thinks that if they tell him, then they could get more money from splitting. However, an angel and devil appear next to them. The devil tells them to keep it a secret so they could get lots more money and the angel tells them that they should say it so the whole world could produce great alcoholic beverages. They do the same thing they did earlier: smack them. “Look guys,” Sedgewick says, “our vodka recipe is a huge secret. We can’t tell people willy-nilly, you know. However, since you guys seem like kind gentlemen, I will give you a tip.” SpongeCock does not like the sound of this, however, and he tells Sedgewick to stop. “Look, if you’re gonna tell them something, just tell them to use water. It’s the least we can say.” Johnny overhears this and thanks them for the tip - but not for the inconvenience.

It cuts to Sedgewick’s mansion where SpongeCock thinks that they might be screwed. Although it was just water, that could lead to more possibilities. Sedgewick then gives his opinion. “SpongeCock, me boy, at least they don’t know our secret ingredient. Plutonium.” SpongeCock was distracted because he went to masturbate, though. However, when he bent over, he saw a slight glimpse of a name tag. The first name started with “John” and the last started with “Cr.” SpongeCock gets the feeling that they were spied on. However, he then remembers that Johnny’s last name was Vodkawhore. Was he lying?

The next day, Sedgewick and SpongeCock are going to the lab when Vert comes walking by. “Hey guys, do you notice anything different about our lab?” The two look over to see a GIANT BATCH OF PLUTONIUM! It is in a huge container with pipes with acid flowing in and out all though the factory. “Where the frick did you get that?” Sedgewick asks, but Johnny replies with “we have our secrets.” They also have tons of vodka, and two workers are seen distilling it. “You’re shit now, Sedgewick,” says Vert. Him and SpongeCock are in shock and are surprised that these guys would copy them. However, they remember - they have been spying on them! It was Johnny Crackwhore all the fricking time. “Professor,” SpongeCock says, “what the hell are we going to do?” “We’re gonna do what we should have done in a long time. Do some research on plutonium.” Sedgewick replies. An hour later, Sedgewick is on his high-tech desktop, looking up what plutonium actually does. However, when he clicks on a link, a porn ad comes up, which he closes out of right away, instantly trying to forget what he saw. Anyway, he looks on Wikipedia and sees that plutonium is a radioactive chemical element. However, he questions this with the fact that the vodka was totally fine when they had it. They would’ve got poisoned and died long ago. However, they read that plutonium is actually okay once mixed with vodka. A time card says “A lot of very boring reading later” and they finally get to the end. They realize that if plutonium is blown up, it will leave a huge explosion, which gets them an idea - exploding the tank of acid. That way, there will be no more acid, plus the factory will explode.

A few days later, Sedgewick walks up near the factory. He uses a rocket launcher he bought from a store named “Eat My Ass” and tries to launch it at the tank. Johnny sees this and sends out a guard to defend it. The guard jumps down and shields the rocket. It deflects back and Sedgewick and SpongeCock dodge it. They are covered in dust, but Sedgewick says “it’s too early to give up.” He launches himself with a grapple gun to the top of the pit with a few packs of C4. However, Vert snipes the grapple which makes him fall. Sedgewick is yelling “Frick you, whores!” to the workers. SpongeCock looks over and uses an anti-gravity gun to bring Sedgewick. “Thanks, mate. Now, all we need to do is blow up the-” Sedgewick says, but he pauses when a huge explosion occurs, knocking them back. It turns out that SpongeCock planted C4 inside the pit and used a remote to ignite it. The factory and the acid is no longer there. The duo still questions the fact that they are still alive.

When they walk back to the mansion, they see Fatrick being sick. He says “you bitches poisoned me! I like vodka, but your shit sucks!” They also see a lot of other Bikini Bottomites as sick as zombies. “What the frick happened?” Sedgewick and SpongeCock say at the same time, but a response can be heard. “Ha! Ciroc will always be the hottest shit.” Sedgewick turns and sees who it is - Puff Daddy. “Puff Daddy...what the hell are you doing here?” “Just making sure your vodka goes down and loses it’s value.” Sedgewick remembers about Ciroc, which used to be his favorite vodka drink until SpongeCock created Pluto Vodka. “How, though? I didn’t see you here doing anything before.” P. Diddy then explains the whole thing. “I was helping that company. I heard that you have plutonium in your drinks, and when I got some at the bar, I noticed it tasted weird. So, I vandalized the Wikipedia page so people would keep drinking your shit. This makes it so people will return to Ciroc after they finally felt like shit. Now, Ciroc will remain number one.” Sedgewick then asks if the Wikipedia info was fake, but it was all real except for the part that said it was good with vodka. “Well, Professor,” SpongeCock says, “I think we know the moral. Wikipedia sucks.” “No, you idiot.” P. Diddy replies. “The moral is that Ciroc is the best vodka and it will remain the best.” He then walks away. Sedgewick then states “I think we better end the episode since it turned into a Ciroc ad.” He walks away, and SpongeCock agrees, stating that it’s time for him to go on Watch Fatrick Take a Crap Duty.

Trivia

 * Despite having an airdate after "The Shit's Always Greener" and "Purple Bastards," this episode is before it in production order.
 * According to wordcounter.net, the plot is:
 * 2,237 words.
 * 12,420 characters.
 * 129 sentences.
 * 18 paragraphs.
 * 11th-12th grade reading level.
 * 8 minutes, 8 seconds reading time.
 * 12 minutes, 26 seconds speaking time.
 * "SpongeCock" is used more than any other word.