Those Damn Fools

Those Damn Fools is the pilot episode of the spin-off The Ruler of the Seven Seas''. ''It will air on July 14, 2017.

Plot
King Neptune is assassinated, and crisis erupts.

Transcript
Squidward wakes up, as usual. “Ahhh, Sunday!,” he grinned, something that is very unusual. “It can’t get better,” Squidward said as he poured himself some Red Mist. He picked up his daily dose of Depressed Squid Magazine. “WOAH! The ‘Tyce+Travis: Naughty Boys In Bed’ VHS comes out today! My life is complete!”. Squidward immediately grabbed his bike and went to the VHS store.

At the VHS Store, Squidward found three shelves dedicated to the VHS. However, there is just one problem: all of the shelves had been cleared, and the VHS’s have been taken...except one! Squidward ran for the copy and successfully grabbed it, but then, King Neptune suddenly appeared. He took it out of Squidward’s hand easily, but Squidward revolted. “Give me back my damn copy!” Squidward screamed at Neptune. “NO, IT’S MINE! I AM THE KING! DO YOU THINK THIS STUFF COMES WILLY NILLY?” Neptune shouted back. The struggle continued, until…

BOOM!

King Neptune’s grasp had lifted, and his body became limp. Squidward slammed against the wall. The VHS store had been bombed, and the police arrived almost immediately. Officer Jones arrived at the scene. “Holy mother of pearl, he’s gone!” the officer shouted before fainting. Squidward slowly began to stand up. “Freeze!,” a deputy said, “you are arrested with the conviction of murdering the Royal Family”. The police took Squidward into a carriage. “No, please! It wasn’t me! It wasn’t me,” he cried. He was slammed into the police car. As things couldn’t get any worse, it did. Squidward looked at the last VHS copy of “Naughty Boys In Bed,” which was burning in flames. The car drove off. Many commoners arrived at the scene crying. Suddenly, SpongeBob pans up to the camera, saying "all that glitters, is dirty crap".

Somewhere in California, a 15-year-old is seen inside his house. He opened up Safari, and typed “spongefan.wikia.com” in the URL. He got to the “Water Sex” page, and clicked the “Edit” button. He then opened another tab, and went to Google Docs. One document, titled “Water Sex,” was opened. He copied the text, and pasted it on the wiki page, and clicked the “Publish” button. He remarked, “this sounds like a job well done!”. After smirking a bunch of times, he opened up yet another tab. He searched up “best of the bern,” and clicked on the first video. Suddenly, he started making noises. They suddenly got louder. Louder, louder, louder! Then he screamed, and woke Patrick up. It was all a dream. Or was it?

Patrick ran over to SpongeBob’s house, screaming. SpongeBob was still asleep. He had a party with Patrick last night, and they stayed up past 8:30 PM. He broke the door and shook him. “Oh SpongeBob! I had this horrible nightmare that some weirdo teenager is using me for his weird fanfics and after that gets a thrill on Bernie Sanders content!” Patrick whimpered. “Hmmm, Bernie Sanders, you say? He ain’t that bad. I want to be like him,” SpongeBob said confidently. “Okay, enough of this filler,” Mr. Krabs said, coming out of nowhere. “It points out SpongeBob’s relation to Bernie. It’s not filler. The users will enjoy it,” Patrick replied. “Stop breaking the damn fourth wall, you’re making it worse,” SpongeBob said. “Ugh, whatever, let’s get back to the show,” Patrick groaned.

Suddenly, the phone rang. SpongeBob answered the phone. Squidward was calling. “Uh, SpongeBob,” Squidward asked hesitantly. “Yes,” SpongeBob said gleefully (unaware of Squidward’s situation), “this is the first time you ever called me! Yippee! My fetishes are complete. Gee, I wonder what’s next! I—”. Squidward cringed. “I can hear that,” he said. “Oops,” SpongeBob said nervously. Squidward paused. “Listen, I’m in prison and I’m likely to be on death row—,” Squidward stated when SpongeBob screamed. “WHAT?!,” SpongeBob exclaimed. Panting, he shook Patrick hardly. “MY SQUIDDY IS GOING TO DIE! WE HAVE TO GET TO JAIL!”. Patrick pulled out a license plate, SpongeBob got on top of him for a piggyback ride, and off they went to the Bikini County Jail.

At the Jail, SpongeBob walked up to the lobby and asked an officer. “Do you know where Squidward Tentacles?—” SpongeBob was interrupted by a startled officer. “You...know...his...name?,” the officer said nervously, “you must be a plotter! Officers, seize them”. Every officer in every direction pointed an AK at SpongeBob and Patrick. “Well,” SpongeBob said freely, “this is a violation of my personal rights and—” he was interrupted again. “Fire!” the officer screamed. In the gunsmoke, SpongeBob and Patrick are gone. (Not dead, they were missing).

Kelp Garrison and Agent Travis Platypus opened the sack. SpongeBob and Patrick were inside. “Hey, what’s the big idea?” Patrick said harshly. “We just saved your pink butt from death, you damn fool,” Kelp responded. “Who even are you?” SpongeBob said, in a lighter tone. “Well, I’m a roadie and writer Kelp Garrison. I used to work for Ned and the Needlefish,” Kelp responded. “Who’s your friend?” Patrick asked. “Hahaha, friend! For a fat pink blob, you’re funny! This here is Agent Travis Platypus, he has no friends,” Kelp replied gleefully. Agent Platypus then slapped him, and said “ignore that damn fool Kelpy, that’s what I call him. He can be such a damn fool”. Kelp wiped the scar off. “Wait one minute, let me remind you that you’re the reason we’re in a ghetto and not at a 5-star hotel in Bass Vegas!” Kelpy said angrily. “It’s not my fault I messed up the sound system so when the guitar sounds were ready the audience heard the strange noises that I make!” Travis replied. “BUT WHY DID YOU RECORD YOUR NOISES!” Kelpy screamed at him. “BECAUSE THOSE MEMORIES NEED TO BE WITH ME FOREVER!” Travis screamed back. “When we got fired, they took the tape. And why was I fired?” Kelpy said. He then looked at SpongeBob. “Don’t let that pink guy be a damn fool, alright?” Kelpy requested to SpongeBob. “Alright,” SpongeBob said. Agent Platypus suddenly started making noises. “Uh...Patrick,” SpongeBob said nervously, “it’s time to go”. As SpongeBob and Patrick backed away carefully, Travis screamed “OH YES JILL” and Kelp started to sob. SpongeBob and Patrick hopped on to a moving bus, when Kelp started to run through. He chased the bus, but he was too slow. “TAKE ME WITH YOU,” he moaned.

Eugene Krabs was watching a Leader Plankton! VHS. “Ha! Like that’s ever going to happen!” Eugene smirked. “Why are the episodes so short? They look like one of those 2 minute shorts that would air in between the 11-minute SpongeBob episodes. Like, who cares about those stupid Wubble-Bubble balls?” Pearl commented. “I don’t even know,” Krabs replied. Suddenly, SpongeBob and Patrick crashed into the place. “WE’RE WANTED BY THE POLICE!” Patrick screamed, grabbing Pearl and shaking her. “What are you trying to do to my daughter, you blasted buffoon” Krabs said, grabbing Patrick. He then turned to SpongeBob. “Don’t worry, even in times of royal crisis, our boys are humane enough to not kill,” Krabs said calmly. Just after saying that, a tank and a helicopter showed up. “There they are,” one officer in the helicopter said. “FIRE!” he screamed as the tank and helicopter fired one missile each towards the Krabs residence. The house was bombed, injuring SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Pearl. Pearl was severely injured, but Mr. Krabs raced past her to his mattress, to see the money intact. “Whew,” he sighed in relief. Suddenly, soldiers jumped out of the helicopter and began firing at the four.

They raced to the top of a house, where they see a Bikini Bottom in flames. SpongeBob began sobbing “Gary...Squidward...Plankton,” he moaned. “Plankton,” Mr. Krabs said, “it’s a good thing that vermin is gone”. SpongeBob glared at Mr. Krabs, making him feel guilty after. “Got anything interesting?” SpongeBob asked Patrick. Patrick opened his wallet, to see nothing...except a photo of Bernie Sanders. “Hey, I got a photo of Bernie Sanders,” he replied. He gave the photo to SpongeBob, who stared at the photo for a few seconds. Then he looked at the burning Bikini Bottom. Then he looked at the photo again. “One day,” he muttered to himself.

Trivia

 * "Those Damn Fools" is the only episode that wholly bases on the story arc, not the "politics travel."
 * This spin-off is heavily inspired by Leader Plankton!, which focuses mainly of story arcs.
 * The series was supposed to pilot on Leader Plankton! 's fifth anniversary, June 30, 2017, but was delayed by two weeks due to further plot development.