Canned Bread

Canned bread is the 4th episode of s1 of Cult of Squid. It had a 3-month delay.

Characters

 * Brother Squidward
 * Doctor Crayons
 * Noseward
 * Security
 * The fishes in the cage

Transcript
(Ep begins with a shot of the outside of the lodge and a knocking sound is heard)

Noseward: (offscreen) Brother squidward!

(Cuts inside to reveal Noseward throwing himself at a door repeatedly)

Noseward: Brother Squidward!!!

(Security walks in holding a cup of coffee and wearing bunny slippers)

Security: what're you doing nosey? I can hear you from the outside!

Noseward: don't call me that. Anyway, im trying to get in cuz Brother Squidward’s been in there forever!

Security: lemme handle this. (Throws coffee at wall and runs towards the door) YAAAAH! (Slams into the door and falls over)

Noseward: it's locked you idiot!

(Camera moves to the inside of the room and to Squidward's throne and Squidward's on it holding canned bread)

Security: (offscreen while the camera moves) maybe if i used you as a battering ram..

Brother Squidward: oh canned bread, how i love thee… (kisses the can)

(Noseward and Security break in and Security is using Noseward as a battering ram)

Noseward: ow! Ram gentler next time!

Brother Squidward: AHG! (Looks at the can, throws it out the window) im not doing not nothing!

Noseward: brother squidward, was that canned bread?

Brother Squidward: n-no!

Security: brother squidward, you know what the doc said-

Doctor: (runs in) no canned bread for a week!

Security: thanks doctor crayons.

Brother squidward: you cant prove that ive been eating canned bread!

(Closet door bursts open and a mountain of canned bread falls out)

Brother Squidward: son of a-

Doctor: (drags Squidward offscreen) let's go.

(Cuts to inside a different room with everyone from the previous scene and squidward has a collar around his throat.)

Doctor: now, this machine was made to detect (holds up canned bread) when Squidward touches canned bread, and if he does it-

Squidward: MINE! (Grabs it and gets electrocuted)

Doctor: -emits an electric shock.

Squidward: (groans)

Security: jeez, did you set it to like 50? That was a gigantic shock!

Doctor: the machine still has a few bugs i havent worked out yet.

(Squidward gets electrocuted offsreen)

Squidward: i didnt even touch it!

Doctor: i dont know how, but the machine was made to hate the word bugs and cantaloupe soup.

(A shock 2 times bigger is seen and heard)

Squidward: how did you do that?!

Doctor: i was tired and started eating cantaloupe soup (another shock is seen and heard) a homemade recipe.

Noseward: what the heck is cantaloupe soup?

(Another shock is heard)

Doctor: cantaloupe soup (another shock) is where i make soup with cantaloupe.

Noseward: sounds good. You should get me some cantaloupe soup (another shock) someday.

Squidward: (stands up all charred) ENOUGH!

Doctor: hm, seems to be defective. Come to your throne and i will think of something else.

(Squidward walks off)

Security: mm. Cantaloupe soup.

(A shock is heard again)

(Cuts to Squidward and the rest in the throne room. Squidward is tied to his throne)

Doctor: this test will test your ability to resist canned bread. Over there on that table is a can of canned bread

Squidward: seems easy enough.

Doctor: we'll be uh, outside to uh wait or something. (They walk off)

Doctor: (offcreen, 3 seconds later) where'd that unicorn run off to?

Squidward: just sit here? seems easy enough.

(10 seconds later time card)

Squidward: uuymghfdbeowpjwnrkdowjenrkdowkwnrnodjw (turns into a werewolf)

(Cuts to Security, Noseward, and Doctor Crayons looking through in an observation room)

Doctor: wow. 10 seconds.

Noseward: that's a higher record than his previous time.

Doctor: what was that?

Noseward: 2.5 seconds.

(Ding is heard)

Security: ooh! My cantaloupe soup is done!

(The collar starts buzzing and electrocutes Noseward)

Doctor: but wasn't i the one with the collar?

(He gets electrocuted)

Security: (walks in with 3 bowls) I made 3 bowls of cantaloupe soup for all ‘o us!

(All 3 get electrocuted)

(Cuts to inside the throne room with all 4 in the room)

Doctor: well, it seems all our tests have failed, however, if you guys like, i could try the “controversial technique”

Noseward: whats that?

(The doctor puts a bag over everyone's head and drags them offscreen)

(Cuts to Squidward sitting in a chair in a dark room)

Squidward: (water splashes on his face) wha?!

Doctor: (offscreen, echoey) look forward.

Squidward: huh?

(Cuts to behind Squidward. A screen is infront of him)

Doctor: (offscreen) now… take a look at this!

(Cuts to infront of the screen. An image appears of Noseward and Security tied above shark-infested water)

(Cuts back)

Squidward: (gasp)

Doctor: infront of you is a can of canned bread. If you choose to not grab it, they live. If you choose to, however, they will be dropped into the water.

Squidward: uhhhh…

Doctor: what will you choose?

(10 seconds of repeated shots of the screen, squidward and the canned bread)

Squidward: wait, how is this gonna cure my addiction?

Doctor: uh…

(The lights turn on to reveal Squidward in a medium-sized closet)

Doctor: (walking in) god damn, i thought that would work!

Squidward: but where are-

Doctor: oh, they're fine. I'll untie them in a minute. As long as you dont touch the can they'll be fine.

Squidward: (wiping forward) few!

(Sweat hits the can causing it to move. Cut to a shot of Security and Noseward falling into the water. They scream)

Squidward: uh… oops.

(Cuts back to the throne room. Noseward and Security are badly injured)

Doctor: well, that was a bust.

Noseward: YOU THINK JACKA-

Squidward: hmm… maybe… (chucks can into the cage) there! Now i will be oka- (turns into werewolf and runs off)

Doctor: we better uh, go after him.

Noseward and Security: yep.

(They look at each other and run offscreen)

(Cut to the cage)

Nat: i am so BORED in here!

Fred: yeah! Not to mention they hardly feed us.

(The can hits nat's head)

Nat: ow! Hey… (grabs can) this is canned bread!

Frank: what?!

Fred: Gimme!

(All the fish in the cage fight over the can)

END.