Drug Bucket

Drug Bucket is the third episode of Even Moar Raw!

Transcript
[Opens at Chum Bucket. Plankton is seen in the lab working on a new burger.]

Plankton: I’ve done it! After all these years, I’ve finally made a Krabby Patty! Oh, this moment feels just like I dreamt it would. After an eternity filled with suffering, I’ve finally taken down Eugene Krabs! Take that, you son of a bitch!

Karen: Plankton, what are you yelling about this time?

Plankton: Well, Karen, after all these years, I’ve finally figured out Krabs’ recipe. Just look. [Holds out burger.]

Karen: Well, it looks like a Krabby Patty, but how does it taste?

Plankton: Uh, what?

Karen: How does your Krabby Patty taste?

Plankton: Uh…

Karen: You’re kidding. You forgot to taste it.

Plankton: Well…yeah.

Karen: Looks like your career isn’t picking up any time soon.

Plankton: Let’s not jump to conclusions, Karen. I’m sure my patty will taste amazing. Well, here goes. Time to taste my victory! [Puts burger in mouth.]

Karen: Plankton? Plankton?

Plankton: Yes, dear?

Karen: How did the burger taste?

Plankton: It…

Karen: Yes?

Plankton: It…

Karen: Come on, spit it out.

Plankton: It…was the worst thing I have ever eaten! I swear, I would rather eat my own arms instead of this shit! What did I put inside here?

[Karen scans burger.]

Karen: Well, according to my scan, you mixed up eight year old chum with orca penis, raw sewage and snail slime. You expected that to taste good?

Plankton: Well, what do you expect? I’m running low on ideas. Maybe, I should just give up the restaurant business completely. I’m never going to get anywhere. Just going to live in Krabs’ shadow the rest of my life.

Karen: Now, Plankton…

Plankton: Hush. I give up. I’m done. I guess I better throw out all my ingredients. [Opens up a cupboard labelled dangerous drugs. Takes out four containers. One labelled meth, one cocaine, one weed and one LSD. Tries to throw them out the window, but they instead fall in the mixer and make a burger batch.] Oh, great. I missed the window. That’s how much of a specific specimen I am. Well, no letting this go to waste. My last patty batch. [Sniffles. Puts it in mouth and eyes grow all big.]

Karen: How was it?

Plankton: Karen. It’s…the best thing I have tasted my whole life! We have got start selling these.

Karen: Selling a burger made of drugs? You do realize that’s illegal?

Plankton: Karen, my dear. Nothing is illegal unless you get caught. Now, start making a fresh batch of these!

Karen: Whatever.

[Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab.]

Tom: Damn, this Krabby Patty is delicious!

Fred: I know! Wait, what does that sign say by the Chum Bucket? [Reads.] “Try new and improved Chum Burger? Guaranteed to be the best thing you’ve ever eaten or your money back?” Well, it’s worth a shot, I guess. Let’s go! [Leaves Krusty Krab with Tom and enters Chum Bucket.] Well, I see they haven’t improved their atmosphere. [Walks to the counter.] Hello?

Plankton: Down here. [Tom and Fred look down.] So, you here for our new and improved Chum Burger?

Tom: Yeah. Two, please. [Gives money and Plankton gives them the burgers. They taste it and their eyes grow big.]

Plankton: So, what do you think?

Tom: It’s..the best thing I’ve ever tasted, yet for some reason it makes me feel strangely…high! Don’t you agree, Fred?

Fred: No kidding! My whole life I thought a Krabby Patty smothered with Jellyfish Jelly would be the best thing I’ve ever tasted, but this…its so addicting, you could pass it off as a drug!

Plankton: Uhh…

Fred: We’ve got to tell everyone about this!

[Tom and Fred run to the Krusty Krab all goofy as if they were high.]

Tom: Hey, everyone! The new Chum Burger from the Chum Bucket is the best food in the whole seven seas!

Harold: No, way. Chum? Good? No freaking way.

Fred: Come see for yourselves!

[Everyone runs to the Chum Bucket and lines up for a Chum Burger.]

Harold: Me first!

Nat: No, me!

Susie: Hey, ladies first!

Plankton: Now, now everyone. I’ve got enough for everyone! [Takes out a whole pile of Chum Burgers and throws them out. All the customers start eating the burgers.]

Everyone: This is the best food we’ve ever eaten! [A bunch of them pass out due to the drugs in the burger.]

Plankton: Look, Karen! Everyone is dining here instead of the Krusty Krab for once! I can sense that this is the start of something beautiful.

[Scene cuts to Krusty Krab the next day.]

Mr. Krabs: Hmm, where are the customers? I haven’t seen one all day. [Gasps.] That means that we haven’t made a cent all day! No! Oh, Squidward! Please hold me!

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, calm your tits. They are too milky.

Mr. Krabs: Well, I haven’t breast-fed Pearl since she was two.

Squidward: Anyway…the customers are all at the Chum Bucket. Apparently, he has invented some new burger recipe that is said to be the best food in the whole Seven Seas.

Mr. Krabs: So, he did, did he? We’ll see about that! [Runs to Chum Bucket.] Plankton! [Looks around and sees customers all over the place eating Chum Burgers and gasps. He then sees a whole line around the cash register and gasps louder. He then sees customers entering the door and gasps louder. ] Come, on. Don’t get carried away, Krabs. Just find Plankton, get your recipe back and get the hell out of here. Plankton? [Gets to the cash register.] Plankton!

Plankton: Eugene! What a nice surprise to see you here.

Mr. Krabs: Cut the bullshit, you little one-eyes specimen and give me back my formula!

Plankton: What makes you think I have stolen your precious formula?

Mr. Krabs: How else do you have all these customers?

Plankton: Well, for your information, I made an all-new recipe that’s even better than your Crappy Patties.

Mr. Krabs: No way!

Plankton: If you don’t believe me, try one yourself. [Gives Mr. Krabs a Chum Burger. Mr. Krabs takes a bite and eyes go all big.]

Mr. Krabs: No. No, you couldn’t have. You actually made a recipe better than mine. No. This can’t be happening.

Plankton: Better get used to it, Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Nooooo!

[Scene cuts to next morning at the Chum Bucket. Plankton is seen staring at Mr. Krabs.]

Plankton: There he is, Krabs. Losing his mind slowly until he perishes!

Mr. Krabs: No, Plankton couldn’t have! It…it’s not possible. Just look at those customers walking in and out of that shit-fest. Looks like our worst fears are ahead. We will be forced to close the Krusty Krab…forever.

SpongeBob: What?! No! Mr. Krabs, you can’t! Where will I spend the rest of my life?!

Mr. Krabs: Ah, what am I worrying about? I’m sure this whole Chum Burger fad will end in a week or two.

Narrator: One month later.

Mr. Krabs: Looks like this is it. I can’t go on like this anymore.

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what are you saying?

Mr. Krabs: The Krusty Krab can’t go on like this. I haven’t seen a single penny, I mean customer set foot here in over a month. I’m closing the Krusty Krab…forever.

SpongeBob: No, Mr. Krabs! Please! Where will I spend the rest of my life?!

Mr. Krabs: I don’t know, SpongeBob. I don’t even know where Squidward will go, but today is all of our last days here. [Puts a sign saying “out of business” on the door as a tear falls across his face.]

Squidward: Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: Yes, Squidward?

Squidward: I just wanted to say…thank you for the worst years of my life! Now I’m up for some much bigger things! Goodbye! [Runs home while laughing.]

SpongeBob: I can’t believe this is happening.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, I’ll miss you. I know I may have come across as you as cheap, greedy and selfish, but seeing as this is our last day in business together, I just want to say that you are a great fry cook and I always considered you as a son.

SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs, I’ll miss you. [Starts to tear up.]

Mr. Krabs: Don’t tear up. Maybe we may meet again in the future, but goodbye for now. [Walks away all teary.]

SpongeBob: Goodbye, Mr. Krabs. No more Krusty Krab? I can’t believe this happened. Now, what am I going to do the rest of my life? [Smacks into Chum Bucket door, seeing a sign saying Help Wanted.] Should I? No! It would go against everything I’ve been doing at the Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab, I’m doing this for you! [Walks away with arms crossed then comes back two seconds later.] Maybe working here won’t hurt. [Walks in.] Wow, the Chum Bucket is filled with customers. [Sees a bunch of customers who are looking high, some fainting.] Ooh, must have eaten too many burgers. [Sees Plankton’s office.] There he is! [Walks in.] Hey, Plankton. I’m here to apply for a job.

Plankton: Krabs’ best employee comes crawling to me?! Oh, how the tables have turned. Sure thing, kid. You got the job. [Gives SpongeBob Chum Bucket Bucket Helmet.]

SpongeBob: Yay. Hello, new job.

Plankton: Now, get to the kitchen!

SpongeBob: Yes, boss.

[Scene cuts to kitchen.]

SpongeBob: I can’t believe the Krusty Krab is really gone forever. [Sniffles.]

Plankton: Two Chum Burgers!

SpongeBob: Yes, Squidward. I mean Plankton. [Flips two burgers.] That’s how I flipped Krabby Patties. [Comes out of the kitchen with two burgers.] Here you go. Enjoy. [Walks back into kitchen when just then, Susie fish takes a bite of the burger and gets high.]

Susie: Uh, hey everyone! Have you ever thought on why we wear clothes?! No? Exactly! [Rips off dress.]

Nat: Whoa, they are bigger than I imagined. Those boobs though.

SpongeBob: Whoa. They are amazing. Wait a minute. Did anyone else notice how she got all high right after taking a bite of the burger? Plankton! [Runs into office.] Sir! I think the burgers are drugged!

Plankton: It took you this long to find out? SpongeBob, that’s why customers are craving them so much! Here, read the recipe. [Throws recipe.]

SpongeBob: Hmm, “meth, cocaine, weed, LSD?!” But…but this isn’t right! We can’t drug people. This is illegal!

Plankton: SpongeBob, well it’s not illegal unless nobody finds out. And you will not be telling anyone.

SpongeBob: Oh, yes I am! I am calling the police right now!

Plankton: No, you won’t [Takes out knife and holds it to his neck.] A word coming out of your mouth and boom. Neck comes off. So, what are you going to do?

SpongeBob: [Takes a look at the customers then looks back at the knife pointing to his neck.] Well, Plankton, looks like I’ve got no choice…

Plankton: I knew you’d chose the right side, son!

SpongeBob: You didn’t let me finish. I’ve got no choice but…to sacrifice my life for these customers. [Jumps up and gets to the phone. Plankton is chasing him with his knife. SpongeBob dials the phone while dodging Plankton’s knife.] Hello, police? The new Chum Burger at the Chum Bucket is filled with drugs! Please, come here fast!

Plankton: That was the biggest mistake of your life! Now, prepare to die! [Is about to stab him but just then the police come in.]

Officer O’Malley: Freeze!

Plankton: Oh, no! How did you get here so fast?!

Officer John: Well, let’s just say that we were about to purchase a burger from here after hearing how good it is when we got a call about these burgers being drugged.

Plankton: Uh…they aren’t drugged.

Officer John: Well, why don’t we take a drug test on these burgers. [Takes out scanner and a burger. The scanner beeps.] Holy moly! These burgers are drugged to the max!

Plankton: What are you going to do to me?

Officer O’Malley: Well, you will be forced to get rid of the drugs in the burger and 5 years of jail time. [Cuffs Plankton.]

Officer John: Take him away.

Officer O’Malley: Okay! [Takes Plankton to cop car.]

Plankton: No! [Cop car drives away.]

SpongeBob: Wait a minute. If he is unable to use that recipe anymore…[Gasps then starts running to Mr. Krabs house. Knocks the door.] Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: [Opens door. He is seen to have a 5:00 shadow now and he looks all worn out.] Yes, what is it? Wait, SpongeBob?!

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, guess what?! The Chum Patties were drugged so Plankton can’t sell them anymore! [Mr. Krabs’ 5:00 shadow goes away and he goes back to normal.]

Mr. Krabs: Whoopee! The Krusty Krab is back in business! [Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab.]

Nat: One Krabby Patty, please?

Squidward: Whatever. SpongeBob, one Krabby Patty.

SpongeBob: You got it, Squidward! [Takes out Krabby Patty and gives it to Nat. He takes a bite.]

Nat: That Krabby Patty was so good, I think it cured me from the effects of those drugs! [Walks away.]

Mr. Krabs: Ah, all’s well that ends well. I wonder how Plankton’s doing in jail! [Scene cuts to Plankton in a cell surrounded by large prisoners all looking at him as if they want to hurt him.]

Plankton: Uh-oh. [Ends with Plankton screaming and punching sounds offscreen.]