How To Be Holy

How To Be Holy is the ninth episode of ParodySponge.

Characters

 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Sandy Cheeks
 * God
 * Jesus Sandal
 * Officer John (cameo)
 * Officer Nancy (cameo)

Plot
God and Jesus teach SpongeBob and Sandy about the Bible.

"Recovered" Story
"But God! You don't understand! Sandy's just committed adultery! She needs saving!" SpongeBob pleaded. "Do you think I care? She's dating Satan anyway. She wants to go to Hell," God said, crossing his arms. "No, no, no! You've got it all wrong! She doesn't want to go to Hell!" SpongeBob said. "Yes, I do," Sandy said dryly. "Shut up, Sandy!" he growled, covering her mouth. "She wants to know about your holy wisdom. Please teach her! Please! She really needs it!" SpongeBob begged.

"Alright, fine. I'll teach her. But I'm teaching you too," God said. "Pft, no need, my dear friend. I'm already an expert on the Bible," SpongeBob said, placing on his jellyfishing glasses and holding out a copy of the holy book. "Oh, really then? Well, what I caught you doing the other day? Masturbating!" Jesus said, joining the group. "W-What? No! I never did such a thing! Don't be silly!" SpongeBob blushed. Jesus took out his phone, quickly placing on a video of SpongeBob masturbating.

"...Why would you film that?" SpongeBob asked, a disturbed look on his face. "For masturbating material," Jesus explained nonchalantly, placing the phone back in his pocket. "...Wow. That was one small dick. Satan's is much bigger," Sandy commented. "NO HAVING SEX WITH SATAN! If you want to sex with someone, you have it with me!" God shouted angrily. "But I'm not sexually attracted to you," Sandy said. "Too bad! Take off your clothes now and get down on the ground!" God demanded.

"No," Sandy said. "I guess I'll have to do it by force then!" God growled, grabbing Sandy and pushing her against a wall made of clouds. "Ah! Rape!" Sandy shouted in fear. "You know you're going to have to marry me after this. It's in the Bible," God said proudly. "Marry him?! Oh no! Sandy's supposed to be my wife! I can't let that happen!" SpongeBob's thought, quickly pulling Sandy away from the creator of the universe. "Hey! What's the meaning of this?!" God growled.

"Maybe we should send her to Hell," Jesus suggested. "No! I mean, uh, don't you think we should teach her about the other lessons of the Bible first? That way she'll be more educated," SpongeBob said. "Hm, alright then, sponge. Jesus! Explain to this poor squirrel some of my most sacred rules," God ordered. "Yes, Daddy! Now, uh, Sandra, you're not allowed to question things. Well, I mean, you're not allowed to question the Bible. It doesn't matter how ridiculous, how idiotic, how completely nonsensical it is, you can not question it. Science on the other hand? Well, you can question that all you like! In fact, you must question it. It doesn't matter how logical, how reasonably sound, how perfect the explanation it is, you must question it! No matter what" Jesus hammered in.

"Wow, you're really hammering things in there, aren't you?" Sandy asked, rolling her eyes. "Exactly! And that's what you should do too! Go around door-to-door hammering in the word of Sandal to everybody! Everybody you meet! And if they reject it, burn them! Burn them on fire! Then dance on their ashes! Dance on their ashes for all eternity!" Jesus shouted. "This is so messed up..." Sandy said, her eyes twitching. "This is so awesome!" SpongeBob grined, munching on some popcorn.

Suddenly, the police burst in. "Hands up!" Officer John shouted, taking his gun out. The others' eyes quickly widened, all four of them placing their hands up. "Ugh, you two again. Unbelievable," Officer Nancy rolled his eyes, handcuffing the two religious figures. Officer John then shoved them into the police car, hopping in with his partner and riding off. "You know, SpongeBob. Maybe I was wrong about religion. It actually has taught me a quite a valuable things," Sandy commented.

"Aha! I just knew you'd come to your senses eventually, Sandy! What lessons did you learn from our great and holy father?" SpongeBob asked, a grin on his face. "Well, I learned that God is a psychopath. And anyone who supports him is a psychopath as well. Including you," Sandy said, walking away from the sponge and walking back down to Hell. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to continue my dinner with Satan,"