Sea Orcs

Sea Orcs is the first episode in the first season of the animated series Proud to be Square, and the first episode overall. This episode parodies Live-Action Role Playing (LARPing), and the RPG genre as a whole.

Synopsis
Squidward accidentally gets wrapped up in a LARP battle with SpongeBob and Patrick.

Transcript
Season: 1

Episode: 1

Code: 1S01

Characters, in Order of Appearance: Transcript by: Mason Irving
 * French Narrator
 * Squidward Tentacles
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Sir Mackerel (Debut)
 * Knights of Kelp (Debut)
 * Patrick Star
 * Sea Orcs (Debut)

Length: 22 minutes

Scene 1: Krusty Krab
French Narrator: Ah, the sea. Home to the most fascinating creatures known to mankind. Jellyfish. Crustaceans. Coral. [Pan down to show the inside of the Krusty Krab] The Krusty Krab is home to the Krabby Patty, the most famous and delicious treat in the ocean, cooked by famed frycook SpongeBob SquarePants. But, as many will tell you, it is also home to some interesting stories that occur.

SpongeBob: [Walks out with a plate of fresh Krabby Patties] Order up! [To Squidward] Hey Squidward, why doesn’t this place have any waiters?

Squidward: [Sarcastically] Hmm… let me think… I’m thinking because Mr. Eugene Krabs needs a new boat.

SpongeBob: Oh. I’ll just do the waiter-ing myself, then!

[SpongeBob walks up to a group of fish discussing something, giving them their food. One of them says thank you as SpongeBob walks away].

Sir Mackerel, one of the fish at the table: Okay, we’ll camp at Northfall. Clamwood and Heartdagger, you arrange a V-shape position Northeast of the gate. The Princess will seduce anyone who comes near her. Me and Myron the Green will inform King Flounder of the---

Myron the Green: Okay, Dale, calm down. The thing doesn’t start till like Friday, let’s just call each other by our real names for now, alright? Besides, I have to drop my brother at soccer practice that and--

Sir Mackerel: Myron! Don’t You Remember the code?

All at the Table: All members of the World Electoral Institution of Roleplaying and Dressup Organized Society must be in character at all times during an active season, even while in public places.

Sir Mackerel: Very good. So stick by it. [SpongeBob walks up to them giving them their food] Thanks.

SpongeBob: You’re welcome! [Pointing to the map on the table] What’s that?

Sir Mackerel: Oh this? Only the plan to the most epic event in history! We are the Knights of Kelp. Our duty is to protect the kingdom of Bikini Bottomme Trademark from the evil Sea Orcs. 3,000 years ago we built the wall [pointing a spot on the right section of the map] here to keep them out. But now they threaten to come in!

SpongeBob: I don’t understa--oh! You mean the gate surrounding Jellyfish Fields! I think that thing was built in like ‘98 or something. And There’s no second M or E in Bottom, silly!

Sir Mackerel: [Sigh] Okay, look mister. We’re part of a LARPing group. Live Action Role Play. We dress up, use stupid not actually medieval names and swing foam swords at each other because we’re a bunch of bored college students on summer break.

Guy at another Table: So it’s like you never grew out of your I’m-a-kid-who-plays-dress-up-and-pretends phase?

Sir Mackerel: SHUT UP KEN. That’s Ken, he often ruins our meetings. He’s kind of a di---

[Before he can finish, some wheezing guy enters the Krusty Krab and runs straight to the table].

Wheezing Guy: Sir! Princess Camille has been kidnapped by the Sea Orcs!

Sir Mackerel: My Gods! She was not only the stereotypical girl of our group, but our leader and best warrior as well! Who else could serve a role of that much prowess and skill?

[SpongeBob hesitantly raises his hand]

SpongeBob: Um, I can’t do the princess thing, but I want to help anyway I can! Let me join, it sounds fun!

Sir Mackerel: Hm…I don’t know...

[Patrick walks in, going to SpongeBob]

Patrick: Hey SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Hey Patrick! These are my Dress-up friends [Sir Mackerel looks annoyed]. They’re doing this thing later in the week, and I might be doing it too! You want to join?

Patrick: Oh! Can I? Please?

Sir Mackerel: Hm, you are [staring at Patrick’s tubbiness] fitting enough. Fine. You two can come to my house later tonight. We’ll explain what RPGs are really like.

Patrick and SpongeBob, unison: Oh boy!

French Narrator: Later

Scene 2: Sir Mackerel’s Mom’s House
Sir Mackerel: Okay, SpongeBob, Patrick. We steal our names, character personalities, and ideas from this game called Cellars and Serpents. We also use randomfantasyname.net but that’s not important. I will play the role of the game master. I will come up with a story for your characters to follow. You guys choose a class.

French Narrator: 15 Minutes Later

Sir Mackerel: Okay, your party, lurking in the cave, comes across a pack of hungry worms. What do you do?

SpongeBob: Challenge them to a duel!

Patrick: Eat them!

Sir Mackerel: I’m just gonna go with SpongeBob’s answer, okay? Alright, you make through the worms only to find...a pile of rocks, blocking your path. There’s no way through! What do you do?

SpongeBob: Dig a hole!

Patrick: Eat them!

Sir Mackerel: [sigh]

French Narrator: 1 Hour Later

Sir Mackerel: With a strong blow SpongeBob slashes the beast. [Mumbling] Beast -2 health SpongeBob +3 XP. And, oh my! the beast slashes back. [Mumbling] SpongeBob -4 Health. What next?

SpongeBob: Can I use my special ability?

Sir Mackerel: No, Your ability needs at least another 10 minutes to recharge.

Patrick: Am I out of Superspace yet?

Sir Mackerel: No Not until one beast says your name three times during one battle.

SpongeBob: When can I stop spinning these plates-on-sticks on my fingers and nose?

Sir Mackerel: What

Patrick: Can I use my magic carpet to get out of Superspace

Sir Mackerel: There are no---

SpongeBob: Can I use Gary for extra protection? [Holds up Gary, who is here for some reason]

Gary: Meow

Sir Mackerel: ALRIGHT WE’RE DONE! This was an awful idea. It’s way too complicated. We need something else---Oh, let’s just watch Game of Boats!

[Cut to the three of them on the couch looking super invested]

Sir Mackerel’s Mom: Dale? Are you watching Game of Boats in there?

Sir Mackerel: No Mom! [Whispering to SpongeBob and Patrick] Please don’t tell on me. I’m not allowed to watch it because I’m not old enough.

Patrick: [Pointing to the TV] Ooo! What a lovely wedding!

French Narrator: Later

Scene 3: SpongeBob’s Neighborhood
Sir Mackerel: [In front of Squidward’s house] All right, men! Everyone is here, except Myron, who figured because he had to drop his little brother off at soccer practice on the day of the battle that he thought he didn’t HAVE to come to today’s practice. “Duh, yeah, I don’t have to participate even though I signed a contract!” Whatever. Please welcome, Blue Sponge the Mage, and Patty the Fighter-Guy.

Clamwood, one of the Knights: Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to let the newcomers name themselves, Dale.

Sir Mackerel: SHUT YOUR MOUTH, CLAMWOOD, REMEMBER THE CODE. Alright, whatever. You will pair up and spar. Switch after about 20 minutes, then find a new partner. Go!

[They all pair up. Cut to Squidward’s upstairs room]

Squidward: Ah, the Clarinet. Let’s practice some Prudence in A, shall we? [Breaths and plays a note, but stops to hear all the sparring. He peeks his head out the window and yells] What is that? HEY! Losers! What are you doing?!?

SpongeBob: We’re not losers, Squidward!

Patrick: Yeah, we’re not Squidward, losers!

SpongeBob: We’re just LARPing!

Squidward: LARPing? Like, Swinging around duct tape and foam swords having no life LARPing? [Laughs uncontrollably. Sir Mackerel notices Squidward’s nose. Squidward stops laughing, and starts to turn around].

That’s great. I--AH! [Squidward finds the members of the team have teleported upstairs].

Sir Mackerel: That nose! [Honks the nose]. The proportions! [Takes out measuring tape and starts measuring Squidward] It--It’s...perfect! You are the chosen one!

Squidward: ...THE WHAT?

Sir Mackerel: One day ago, which is exactly 307 years in Fantasy LARPing Time, Our princess was kidnapped! But fishkind did not give up hope ye, for there was a prophecy! The chosen one, preferably a octopus, would show up! He would slay the Sea Orcs and end this battle once and for all until next year.

Squidward: Oh please. Why would I ever do something as buffoonish as what you twats do?

Sir Mackerel: You get about paid 9 bucks an hour.

Squidward: Ugh. FINE.

Scene 4: Knights of Kelp Camp, Northfall
[Sir Mackerel, SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward enter the tent. Inside are a bunch of dressed-up LARPers making conversation with one another.]

Sir Mackerel: Everyone? May I have your attention please? Okay, okay people? May I have your attention please? IN THE NAME OF THE GODS MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION OR I WILL STICK A SOCK IN FRANK’S DINNER TONIGHT. [Everyone shuts up and looks towards Sir Mackerel].

Thank you. I have figured out a way to save Princess Camille and end the war once and for all until next year. We have found the chosen one!

Knights: [murmuring] Gasp! The Chosen One! Could it be? Really? I can’t believe it!

Squidward: Hey.

Sir Mackerel: His Earth name is Squidward. But we will call him KING SQUID.

Knights: Hooray for King Squid! Long Shall he reign!

Squidward: King?

Sir Mackerel: Yes! The King! You make the decisions! You make the plan! You decide what’s for dinner. [whispering to Squidward] It better be pizza.

Random Knight: Yeah I could totally go for some pizza right now.

Patrick: Same.

Random Knight: Aw dude I think we’re having a bonding moment!

Patrick: Yippee!

Squidward: [thinking] Hm… I could make all of these people really happy by helping them win… but at the same time…

Devil Squidward: [appears on Squidward’s right shoulder] Mess it up! Make them look like idiots!

Squidward: I don’t know...

Angel Squidward: [appears on Squidward’s left shoulder] Yeah! Do it!

Squidward: I thought the Angel was supposed to tell me to do the right thing.

Angel Squidward: Eh, the writers have already decided for you what’s going to happen, so what’s the point of keeping up the illusion of choice.

[Both the Angel and Devil disappear with a *poof* sound]

Sir Mackerel: So, what are you going to do, my lord?

Squidward: [sneering] I’ll tell you…

[We cut to a montage of various things happening: Primarily it cuts between knights feeding Squidward Grapes and even a watermelon (a fitting callback), and Squidward giving bad advice that makes the fighting skills of the Knights awful. Sir Mackerel is assigned "janitorial duties", likely because Squidward knows he's the only one who could be suspicious of Squidward's actions. The montage lasts for about a minute]

Scene 5: The Battle, Jellyfish Fields
[Knights are lined up ready for battle. Approximately 2 miles North is the Wall (Gate to Jellyfish Fields). Squidward is in on a podium, with two guards by his side. He begins an announcement.]

Squidward: Okay...people. The girl who I'm 99% sure is just a guy dressed up in a dress is behind that gate. You have to get her or something. Also, by law I must ask to not harm the jellyfish or any jellyfishers. I don't care personally, but hey, the law's the law. Now go.

[The battle begins. The camera focuses on SpongeBob running around poking people with his foam sword. Kites in the sky shake off orange glitter to simulate a serpent. People "die" left and right. SpongeBob stops in his tracks.]

SpongeBob: [Gasp] The wall!

[The wall is like 3 feet tall. On SpongeBob's side bodies lie "dead" all around, even if they're clearly breathing. Guys on ladders along the other side of the gate throw white powder to simulate eternal snow. An army of people open the gate and walk through to the other sides!

Knight: THE ORCS! THEY'VE COME THROUGH!

SpongeBob: GUYS! Remember the chosen one's wise words! BATTLE POSITIONS!

[Cut to Patrick in the woods]

Patrick: Hello? Oh man I don't know how I got lost in here!

[Patrick hears someone crying. He pulls back some bushes to see an eyeglassed-girl sitting on the grass fake-sobbing.]

Patrick: Hey

Princess Camille: [Melodramatically] OH! I am saved! Are you the fine prince who prophecy foretold would rescue me?

Patrick: Yes

Princess Camille: Very well. BUT IN ORDER to prove thou my savior, and to get out of this rotten place, THOU MUST COMPLETE MY CHALLENGES.

Patrick: Ok

Princess Camille: Come with me. [The two go to a creek that's like 1 inch deep]

This, is Sunset River! SUNSET, because that is when the dark of night begineth, AND THIS IS SURELY A DARK CHALLENGE.

[Patrick walks through the "river". The Princess feels foolish]

Princess Camille: Crap. Uhh--thou truly art my savior!

[Cut back to SpongeBob, who's battling the Sea Orcs. Sir Mackerel arrives]

Sir Mackerel: Blue Sponge, I have terrible news!

SpongeBob: What is it, Sir?

Sir Mackerel: I saw King Squid eating at La Fancy using my magic binoculars!

SpongeBob: Ah, a meal fit for a king! Let him be.

Sir Mackerel: He was out of his robe, too!

[SpongeBob takes a second to process what he's just heard, and puts his sword down].

SpongeBob: What does this mean?

Sir Mackerel: It means that "King" Squid is too irresponsible to be a king. My theories were correct!

[SpongeBob gets stabbed (poked in the back) with a sword, and falls back].

Sir Mackerel: Blue Sponge, no! [Holds Spongebob in his arms].

SpongeBob: [whispering, slowly] Sir Mackerel...

Sir Mackerel: Yes, what is it?

SpongeBob: You must tell of King Squid's actions [Dies]

Sir Mackerel: You were a fine

[Cut to Squidward and his guards in the tent]

Guard 1: Jim, I can't believe we spent like 10 minutes going a stupid fancy restaraunt with this loser.

Guard 2: I know, what in the ocean was Dale thinking with this guy?

Guard 1: We need a better king.

Guard 2: Well, we could always rule...together.

Guard 1: Now's not the time, Jim! This is a kids show! Plus, those actions were frowned upon in medieval society, and--

Guard 2: No no no, we depose the king when he gets back from his bathroom break, then we install ourselves as the co-kings, and win this battle!

Guard 1: I see. Let's do it.

[Cut to Patrick and Camille, getting back to the battlefield].

Camille: Holy Crap, this guy gets through any challenge I put in his way without thought! He's so stupid he's genius! [To Patrick] Well my prince, thou have completed all but one challenge!

Patrick: What is it?

Camille: Um...do a plank! For a minute!

Patrick: Ok.

[Patrick does so, and after about 5 seconds starts to be uncomfortable. The princess smiles]

[Cut to the tent again. The two guards start to sneak up on Squidward]

Squidward: Gentlemen, why aren't you in your corner? What are you--NO!

[A guy runs in the tent]

Guy: My king! We killed the Orc Warlord! And the princess is back! THE BATTLE IS WON! [Squidward walks outside to find a group of people cheering his name].

Squidward: I usually take praise from anyone, no matter their role, but these people are so lame I can't take any praise or criticism from them.

Sir Mackerel: I don't believe it! His plan worked! Patty, how did you get the princess?

Princess Camille: Turns out this guy can do a plank for like 2 minutes. Who knew?

Patrick: Wait, where's SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: I'm right here.

Patrick: Oh. Hey SpongeBob!

Sir Mackerel: Men, the season is over! We are now in the real world!

Squidward: And I will never see you again! WOOHOO!

Sir Mackerel: What? You signed that contract you're here for three more years.

Squidward: ...Neptune Why?

Sir Mackerel: My mom is away for the weekend. So to celebrate, we are heading to my house to watch the season finale of Game of Boats together. No spoilers if you've already seen it!

[Cut to everyone watching the TV, including the four main characters of this episode, some knights, and even some orcs. Something intense happens and everyone except Squidward goes nuts. Squidward sighs as the episode ends]