Neptune Trials

Neptune Trails is the final s2 episode of Cult of Squid, and is a special. It was written by Locknloaded23 and Purple.

cast

 * Brother Squidward
 * Noseward
 * Doctor Crayons
 * Fred
 * Neptune
 * Neptune's guards

Transcript
(Episode begins with a fish standing in front of the throne)

Brother Squidward: what do we have here?

Security: this fish was caught spray-painting the side of the Lodge “Brother Squidward Is a (dolphin noise)r!

Brother Squidward: (looking very shocked) oh my neptune! Put him in the cage.

Security: sounds good, Brother Squidward. (Evil chuckle as he walks off)

Fish: (offscreen) uh, don't i get a phone call?

Brother Squidward: man, it rocks to rule the sea.

(Camera zooms out to reveal that the view of the Lodge is in a giant ball)

(Cut to neptune)

Neptune: yes it was… but then, this (lighting appears) stupid squid came along and took over the sea!

(The lightning strikes a random guard)

Neptune Guard: (weakly) should we do something, your highness?

Neptune: davy jones’ locker yes! I've been wanting to do something since the very day they took over! I just never… (holds up planner and the camera zooms into it. The planner is filled with “rule the sea.”) ...found the time.

(The camera returns to normal)

Guard: Why don’t we put the lodge members on trial, your royal highness?

Neptune: No no, that’s stupid. But what if... we put the lodge members on trial? I'm a genius!

Guard: (sighs) That’s a great idea.

Neptune: Of course it is! So let’s go to the Cult’s base of operations, and put them on trial for taking MY sea.

(Neptune goes outside and a chariot arrives, and then the camera goes to Squidward and Noseward)

Noseward: Brother Squidward, do you think we should try to invade land?

Brother squidward: Sounds like a horrible idea, but sure Brother Squidward.

Noseward: Okay, so let’s rally the cult. (trumpet noise outside) hey what’s that?

Squidward: Oh no. The last time I heard that trumpet my old boss Krabs was frozen solid for six days.

Noseward: WHAT?!

Squidward: DON’T JUST STAND THERE SECURITY OPEN THE DOOR IF YOU DON’T WANT THIS PLACE OBLITERATED!

Security: Yep, I was gonna do that.

(Security opens the door, and 2 of Neptune’s Guards came in)

Guard 1: b-brother Squidward, i- uh- i, (leans to other guard, whispering) what am i supposed to say?

Guard 2: (whispering) neptune gave you a scroll, read off it, you (quiet dolphin noise)!

Guard 1: (whispering) no need for the foul language, man! (Takes scroll out and clears throat, reads off scroll) brother squidward, by the order of kingn eptun, eyour- (stops reading as the 2nd guard whispers to him)

Guard 2: (whispering) no, that says “king neptune, your,” not “kingn eptun eyour.”

Guard 1: (whispering) oh, oh. Got it. (Clears throat and continues reading) by the order of king neptune, you're hereby put on trial for your crimes against the sea.”

Squidward: What? You can’t put me on trial! I rule the sea!

(Neptune comes inside)

Neptune: BY WHOSE AUTHORITY?!

(Neptune hits his trident against they ground and a large storm cloud forms inside of the lodge)

Squidward: Mine?

Neptune: I am the GOD of the sea! You can’t take it over! So, you’ll be put on trial. And the jury? The people whose live you’ve RUINED.

Squidward: Ruined? I’ve done no such thing!

Neptune: Uh-huh. I’ll see you tomorrow, Brother Squidward.

(The caged fish start objecting all at once and ends with Old Man Jenkins saying “you sure did.”)

Squidward: there won't be that many juries, will there?

Neptune: there's about 5048 you've caged and 1999 you've killed.

Squidward: woah, we're almost at 2000! (Gets hit with lightning bolt) ow..

Neptune: be in my castle in exactly 3 hours or i will banish thee to the sky cage where my son was held. (He and his guards walk off)

Guard 1: (offscreen) so, how'd i do?

Squidward: oh my neptune, this is bad.

Noseard: don't worry, brother squidward, we'll help you win. In fact, I'll be your attorney.

(Camera shows the courtroom, as the trial is beginning)

Guard: Squidward, the trial will now commence. The judge is Neptune.

Squidward: What?! That’s totally unfair and biased!

Neptune: What was that lower life form?

Squidward: Nothing.

Neptune: Squidward, you have been charged with numerous crimes. Including, murder, rebellion of the government, sexual misconduct, and at least seven more.

Squidward: Sexual misconduct?

Neptune: Don’t think I don’t know about the party.

Squidward: uhhhhhhhh-

Neptune: Squidward’s lawyer will now speak. (Noseward steps up)

Noseward: Yes, yes I will. I am here to say the Brother Squidward was justified in everything he did. Rebellion happens, eras come and go, and he didn’t kill a single person.

Random Fish: Because you guys did it for him?

Noseward: Exactly! Wait..

Noseward: we're so boned.

Neptune: (slams gavel 3 times) court is now in session.

Noseward: your hono- (falls off seat) SON OF A (multiple dolphin noises) FLINGLEDOLF!

(Cut to the court audience surprised. After 3 seconds it cuts back)

Noseward: (stands up) uh, anyway- your honor, my client has been accused of (repeatedly bends nose) “taking over the sea without permission.” (stops)

Neptune: what are you doing with your- er- nose?

Noseward: I'm trying to make air quotes. It's kinda hard when you have 0 fingers.

Neptune: yes, i see. Uh, do go on.

Noseward: well, your honor, i must say, there isn't any kind of RULE to not do that, is there?

Neptune: what? Of course there is. (Scroll appears in his hand and he traces his finger along the words as he reads them) “one shall not take over sea or be trialed by neptune.”

Noseward: uh… well… you see… (sits back down)

Brother Squidward: (whispering) nice case, (quiet dolphin noise) head.

Neptune guard: you see, your honor, this man clearly has no idea what he's saying.

Neptune: agreed. (Slams gavel three times) now can we stop the stupid and get back on track?

Noseward: yes, your honor. You have accused my client of taking over the entire sea.

Neptune: do continue.

Noseward:: He technically didn’t take over the entire sea. Not the Northern Reaches, Badlands, or Galleon Pass. Then again, the factions oversee everything in Galleon Pass so I don’t know who would want to take it over.

Neptune: I guess he didn’t take over the whole sea. He just left out the undesirable parts!

Squidward: They’re desirable! I mean who doesn’t want to chill with skeletons in the Badlands?

Noseward: I believe what my client is trying to say is that there are people there too.

Neptune: Yes, but not many. So the charges still stand.

Noseward: (under breath) great.

Neptune: (throws gavel at a nearby guard) WHAT WAS THAT?!

Noseward: Nothing your majesty!

Squidward: Hey I’m your leader!

Noseward: (whisper) yeah, but Neptune scares me.

Neptune: We will now bring some witnesses to the stand to try against Squidward. First, Fred Rechid, who was a prisoner of Squidward’s for the past year.

Fred: Yes, it’s true. It was a horrible time. We were kept in a dark basement, with no light.

Squidward: You just said the same thing twice, “dark basement” and “no light” mean the same when put in a sentence like tha-

Neptune: SILENCE!

Fred: We got food once a week, and it was disgusting and usually expired.

Squidward: Some food can make it past the expiration date!

Neptune: I said SILENCE! Please continue Fred.

Fred: So, he’s a bad bad man. Put him away!

Neptune: Quite convincing. Noseward, will you defend your client?

Noseward: Yes. The food was usually only a week expired, not a month.

(Squidward facepalms and Neptune throws his gavel offscreen)

Fred: MY LEG!, we were barely given any light. It was torture. Plus, it was really, REALLY crowded. I mean, it took some skill to even blink! Hence, why (zooms into eye and it's red and watery) this happened. (Zooms back out) i haven't blinked for a year, my eyes feel like they're dry raisins.

Neptune: does that explain why you're blinking non-stop?

Fred: yep. First time I've blinked in a year!

Brother Squidward: your honor, that is complete seabull(dolphin noise), we gave them plenty of room!

Neptune: alright, we'll call another witness. Uh… old man jenkins.

Fred: he died a month ago, your highness.

Neptune: what?!

Fred: yeah, he's been in there for 3 years. He never got enough food and had a tapeworm.

Neptune: what?

Fred: they never clean that cage, meaning it's crawling with diseases and parasites. (Arms fall off) oh great, i caught arm-eater #950.

(Cut to the jury giving Squidward an evil glare. After 2 seconds it cuts to Squidward)

Squidward: (under breath) I'm so screwed.

(Cut back)

Noseward: your honor, we clean that cage everday!

Neptune: alright. Uh, the entire jury, go to the witness stand.

(Cut to the entire jury all crowded into the witness stand)

Fred: i can't.. Breathe...

Neptune: so, did they clean the cage?

Jury all at once: NO!

Brother squidward: (stands up, shouting) I WILL SENTENCE YOU ALL TO 3 MORE YEARS IN THE CAGE AND NEVER FEED YOU AGAIN, YOU STUPID- (camera zooms out and squidward notices the entire court staring at him with shocked looks except the jury. After 2 seconds, it zooms back in, and Squidward sits down) uh, (nervous chuckle), just a little cage-humor.

(Cuts to Noseward)

Nosewaed: (whispering) who's the (quiet dolphin noise) now? (Gets hit in the head with a hammer)

(Cuts to brother squidward holding a bunch of hammers and slowly slides them aside)

(Cut back)

Mr krabs: i was the most recent, and i did nothing! I was wrongly put in there! (Gets hit with a lightning bolt)

Neptune: you know what you did!

Fish: that's not even accurate, i was the most recent!

Neptune: ok, uh, you can sit back down, jury.

(The jury all fly out of the witness stand like a geyser)

Neptune: alright, who's next

(Scooter walks up)

Scooter: I was kept in the back room.

(All the juries gasp)

Neptune: What is this back room?

Scooter: I was once starved for 29 days straight. There’s no light.

Squidward: Yes there is! A small lamp!

Scooter: That only gets turned on once every year!

Squidward: We turned it on for Christmas.

Scooter: No!

Neptune: ENOUGH!

(Slams gavel and launches it across the room at Fred)

Fred: (offscreen) MY LEG!

Scooter: anyway, your honor, this evil squid has imprisoned us for years! This is the first glimpse of sunlight and freedom we've gotten for, like, ever!

Neptune: this isn't looking good for you, Squidward.

Squidward: i prefer to go by brother squidwar- (gets hit with lightning) critic.

Neptune: and how long have they imprisoned you?

Scooter: 5 years.

Squidward: oh god...

Neptune: alright, so if we're done with all this, the jury may now go to the back room.

Guy in jury stand: me! Meeeee! I have a case!

Neptune: Alright, I think we have one more. Mr. Krabs!

(Mr. Krabs walks up)

Mr. Krabs: Ah, I remember when Squidward used to work for me. Too bad he took over the sea and waged war on me for no good reason! Do you know how much money it’s cost me? Do you Neptune?

Neptune: (sighs) a lot?

Mr. Krabs: Yes. Also, he’s constantly attacked us, and just been horrible to the Feathered Friends in general.

Neptune: Okay. Noseward, how will you defend your client?

Noseward: Ummmm, they were “friendly attacks”?

Squidward: I’m doomed.

Neptune: Don’t think of it as doomed, more like damned. Anyways, now we will have an hour long recess or whatever it’s called. See you soon.

(Noseward and Squidward go into a back room with Doctor Crayons, The Initiator, and Security)

Security: Brother Squidward, is all going well? I passed out because of my irrational fear of courtrooms as soon as we sat down.

Squidward: No Security, it isn’t going well at all. Noseward has tried to help me, but really can’t.

Noseward: I’m trying boys.

Doctor Crayons: What will we do if Brother Squidward goes to jail?

Security: Don't worry, we got this.

Doctor Crayons: that's what Noseward said when the trial started.

Noseward: harsh.

Squidward: i guess I'll except my inevitable defeat.

(Security slaps Squidward)

Security: don't say that! We still have a chance!

Doctor Crayons: we have a 1/100 chance of winning.

Security: don't listen to him, brother squidward (whispering to Dr C) shut up before i rip your spine out.

(Thirty minutes later)

Squidward: Well the recess is almost over, so we should probably get ready.

Security: 5 more minutes.

Squidward: uh, ok.

Neptune: (offscreen) your recess is over, get in here!

Squidward: (dolphin noise)

(Cut to inside the court. The cult sit down and the jury walk in)

Neptune: has the jury reached a verdict?

Fred: (stands up) yes, your honor. The jury finds Squidward tentacles (reads paper) what is this nonsense?

Jury: no, you're reading it upside down. (Flips paper)

Fred: ohhh. (Clears throat) we find brother squidward… guilty.

Squidward: (stands up screaming) I WILL RIP OFF ALL YOUR FINS AND BURN THEM IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU STUPID- (gets hit with lightning)

Neptune: i hereby find brother squidward guilty. He will be sentenced to eternity in the sky cage. (slams gavel 3 times)

Noseward: wait, that's totally unfair!

(Guards come for Squidward)

Security: (grabs Squidward) if you're gonna cage Squidward, you're gonna have to get through me!

Guard 1: okay. (Throws trident at security)

Security: (dodges trident and drops Squidward) he's right here.

Squidward: I will kill you so hard.

(The guards get into a magic bus and doctor crayons, Noseward and Security walk in. It flies off and cuts to the sky cage Neptune's son was caged in)

(Cut to Squidward locked up)

Guard 2: that should do it.

Noseward: THIS IS UNFAIR!

doctor crayons: wait- who will run the cult now?

Guard 1: i don't know, (points at Noseward) you?

Noseward: if you insist.

Squidward: I'LL BREAK OUT OF HERE!

(the bus flies away with everyone in it except Squidward)

(cut to Noseward on Brother Squidward’s throne)

Security: here's your throne, Brother Noseward.

Noseward: sweet.

Doctor Crayons: screw this, I'm gonna try and invent a machine to open the cage. (Storms off)

Security: welp, have fun. (Walks off)

Initiator: why wasn't i in involved?