Jars University

Jars University is an episode of the show, Spongeorama.

Transcript

 * [We see SpongeBob watching TV. An advert comes on and the camera draws full attention to the TV.]
 * Man in advert: Tight on money? Trouble getting a job? Come down to our place and get $10,000! All you have to do is present proof of an education covering at least elementary school! That way, we know you are capable of getting a job! A very basic one. Probably some sort of cashier at a poor-quality restaurant.
 * Squidward: [off-camera] Hey!
 * Man in advert: But because we're generous, we'll still offer you the money even though you don't deserve it at all! And we're definitely not going to steal all of your money upon signing our contract! So come on down to our place! Call 1-800-TOTALLYLEGITNUMBER for more information!
 * Squidward: [now in camera] That number doesn't seem... um...
 * SpongeBob: Don't be silly! It says that it's totally legit right in the number! It must be real!
 * Man in advert: Okay, no, that's not legit.
 * SpongeBob: YOU LIED TO ME! I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU! ADVERT GUY, WHY?!
 * Man in advert: Our real number is below.
 * [Squidward calls the number shown on the TV. He listens to the phone for a while, blushes, and hangs up.]
 * Man in advert: Okay, Alan, I know you put the hooker's number on the screen. Put the real one on...
 * [The scene cuts to the inside of a building that looks like a mundane office building. SpongeBob is there, sitting at a desk with the same man in the advert.]
 * SpongeBob: ...and here are my credentials.
 * [The man looks over the papers SpongeBob gave to him and frowns.]
 * Man: Sir, according to these papers, you haven't graduated elementary school...
 * SpongeBob: I did skip out in the sixth grade, but I still graduated elementary school. It ends in fifth grade...
 * Man: Sorry? Elementary school ends in eleventh grade...
 * SpongeBob: Ah, I guess it's different in the future...
 * Man: Maybe it's different where you're from. But I would advise getting an education at Jars University. They have a pretty high acceptance rate and I hear the teachers are great. Then you'll be eligible for the money.
 * SpongeBob: Why would you be suggesting a place to get my education? Do you want to give away $10,000?
 * Man: Yes! Definitely! It's not like this is some sort of plan to drain you of all your money! We're just generous people!
 * SpongeBob: Seems legit.
 * Man: Very legit. Now go ahead and lose all your money!
 * SpongeBob: What?
 * Man: I mean, go get an education!
 * SpongeBob: Seems legit.
 * Man 2: [off camera] It's not legit! Seriously, don't trust this guy, he's made millions by scamming people with his commercials! He forced me to work for him! Help! Get me out of here! Call the police!
 * Man: Okay, with that settled, get out of here so I can scam some more people. Um, I mean, give them money!
 * [The scene cuts to SpongeBob at home, he is filling out questions online. The webpage is titled "Jars University Application Form".]
 * SpongeBob: Darn, this is really hard.
 * [SpongeBob sees that theirs only four questions on the application.]
 * SpongeBob: Oh.
 * [The next morning SpongeBob is seen in a bus with PaTron Q.]
 * PaTron Q: SpongeBob, tell me what happened, please! I... I'm scared you'll die of the education! It buries the soul! That's why I don't have education!
 * SpongeBob: Relax PaTron Q, it'll be fine!
 * PaTron Q: Okay... just know I warned you!
 * [SpongeBob walks off the bus and looks at the big university.]
 * SpongeBob: Well, PaTron, it's time for my interview. Wish me luck!
 * [The bus leaves. SpongeBob is confronted by a fish in a fancy dress.]
 * Fish in dress: Greetings. I see that you have come for our interview.
 * SpongeBob: Yeah! I'm so hyped for money! I mean an education!
 * Fish in dress: Well, um... there is no interview. You weren't accepted. You are completely idiotic.
 * SpongeBob: excuse me what did you just say about me you little bitch
 * Fish in dress: What?
 * SpongeBob: i am going to kill you and send you to hell
 * Fish in dress: What?!
 * [SpongeBob pulls a knife out of his pocket and stabs the fish to death.]
 * SpongeBob: I got accepted! Yay! Money, I mean education, here I come!
 * [SpongeBob kicks the doors of the university down and enters. He barges into the first class he sees.]
 * Teacher: Who are you?
 * SpongeBob: SpongeBob, of course! I'm here for money! I mean an education!
 * Teacher: Why are you covered in blood?
 * [SpongeBob walks up to the teacher and puts a knife against his throat]
 * SpongeBob: is that something you really want to know
 * Teacher: Oh my Neptune! Someone call the police!
 * [the scene cuts to SpongeBob in jail. PaTron is outside the bars, visiting him.]
 * PaTron Q: Sorry, SpongeBob. I used this mind control device so that you would kill everyone and not get an education. Well, at least you still have a soul!
 * SpongeBob: patron you little bitch i have to stay in this cell for 20 years
 * PaTron Q: Don't worry! You have enough money to apply for a court session and I'll hire the best lawyer I know!
 * SpongeBob: nope i'm broke because the contract i signed to get into the college was a scam and took all my money
 * PaTron Q: Because of the advert! Oh no... I have an idea! SpongeBob, go back in time and destroy the TV so that past you can't see the advert!
 * [PaTron slips a small device through the bars]
 * PaTron Q: You can use this to time travel. Quick, go ahead!
 * [SpongeBob time travels and appears in front of his past self.]
 * Man in advert: Tight on money? Trouble getting a j-
 * [SpongeBob destroys the TV.]
 * Past SpongeBob: What the...?
 * SpongeBob: I saved you from an education. Thank me later.
 * [Two policemen appear in the room.]
 * Policeman 1: He's escaping through time! Get him!
 * [SpongeBob jumps out the window and falls several miles down onto a freeway. He jumps into a passing car and pushes the driver out. He drives through a tunnel going under a building and then appears in... SpongeBob's house?]
 * Past SpongeBob: Oh, this is my favourite part.
 * SpongeBob: Wait, what?
 * Past SpongeBob: I remember this. I created a paradox and the universe was destroyed so I had to time travel back to the present and pretend to be me again! I'm actually from the future!
 * SpongeBob: How did I get here, though?
 * Past SpongeBob: Time must be confusing the numerous SpongeBobs and merging them together.
 * [A SpongeBob with a knife appears in the room and murders Past SpongeBob.]
 * SpongeBob: So, are you telling me that I'm going to die later on? Well then...
 * Murderer SpongeBob: Why don't you die right now?
 * Policeman 2: Quick! Kill the murderer SpongeBob! He's dangerous!
 * SpongeBob: Wait, no!
 * [The policeman kills murderer SpongeBob and SpongeBob disappears.]
 * Squidward: All of the SpongeBobs are gone! Yes! I'm finally SpongeBob-free!
 * [Another SpongeBob appears.]
 * SpongeBob: Woah, what's all of this stuff?
 * Past SpongeBob's Ghost: Now that the paradox is resolved, SpongeBob can exist in one timeline safely. Have fun!
 * SpongeBob: Kaede, you idiot! This makes 0 sense! You don't know anything about time physics! This isn't even related to the plot! SpongeBob is supposed to be at a school! This is supposed to be a cliche school episode!
 * Past SpongeBob's Ghost: Woah there, SpongeBob. You don't want to get aggressive. You see, Kaede is the one writing what we say, and he has the power to completely take us out of existence. You should be careful...
 * SpongeBob: But... didn't he make me say that? Is Kaede forcing me to insult him?
 * Kaede: Yes, I am. Let's have some fun, SpongeBob...
 * [the scene cuts to SpongeBob in a grocery store. SpongeBob puts a box of corn flakes into his cart.]
 * SpongeBob: But I didn't want corn flakes! I wanted the oatmeal!
 * Kaede: Well, too bad!
 * [the scene cuts to SpongeBob watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]
 * SpongeBob: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME KAEDE?!
 * [Kaede laughs at SpongeBob as he sits through the torture that is My Little Pony.]
 * SpongeBob: No... n...n-no! I don't care about your lessons of friendship, Princess Celestia! S...s-stop it!
 * [Murderer SpongeBob's Ghost appears]
 * Murderer SpongeBob's Ghost: Don't worry! I will end your suffering!
 * SpongeBob: No! Please don't kill me!
 * Murderer SpongeBob's Ghost: I'm not going to kill you... Instead, I'm going to kill Kaede.
 * SpongeBob: But without Kaede, the episode will end!
 * Murderer SpongeBob's Ghost: Exactly! Then we'll be able to go on normally in the next episode, which is by a different writer!
 * SpongeBob: Why is Kaede letting you kill himself?
 * Kaede: Well, I need to wrap up the episode. This is starting to get a bit long.
 * SpongeBob: Kaede, no! It's not worth it! You can still make this a normal episode! You have so much to live for!
 * Kaede: ...such as?
 * [SpongeBob opens his mouth to speak, but then closes it.]
 * SpongeBob: Fair point. Do your thing, Murderer SpongeBob.
 * Murderer SpongeBob's Ghost: With pleasure.
 * [Murderer SpongeBob's Ghost kills Kaede. Thank god that he only wrote one episode of this series. The episode ends.]