Welcome to New Kelp

"Welcome to New Kelp" is the pilot episode of NKC. In this episode, the cast move to New Kelp City after a high increase in taxes, and Rex goes through a drug trip.

Characters

 * Squidward Q. Tentacles
 * Customer
 * SpongeBob SquarePants

Plot
The episode opens with Squidward at the Krusty Krab, business is slow so Squidward gets out the newspaper, a customer then comes and asks why he is reading a newspaper when he could just get the news up on his phone, Squidward then says Mr. Krabs didn't want to waste money on good wifi, and that he used up his mobile data. The customer then asks if Squidward has heard about the tax increase, Squidward hasn't heard about it, the customer then tells Squidward that the Bikini Bottom Government are thinking of increasing the taxes, because the Bikini Bottom Hospital, and Police Department are low on money. Squidward asks why he should care about either of them, and the customer agrees with him and says the Bikini Bottom Government are having a vote to decide on whether they want the taxes increased or not. Squidward asks the customer if they just came in to tell him this and they say yes, and leaves. Squidward then pokes his head in the kitchen window and tells SpongeBob about the tax increase, SpongeBob shows no care so Squidward tells him he will be spending money on taxes that he could be spending on jellyfish nets, food for him and Gary or bubbles, SpongeBob then screams "no!" Squidward then tells SpongeBob they can vote against it after their shifts, SpongeBob asks Squidward if their votes will mean anything, Squidward then thinks but actually thinks of Patrick dancing in a turkey costume. SpongeBob asks again and Squidward quickly says he doesn't know. SpongeBob then asks where they can vote and Squidward says they can vote in the library SpongeBob asks why they picked the library, and Squidward says he has no idea saying barely anyone uses libraries anymore.

The scene cuts to the end of their shifts, SpongeBob and Squidward say goodbye to Mr. Krabs, he asks them where they’re going and Squidward explains the tax situation, Mr. Krabs immediately goes with them. The scene cuts to the library but only Squidward and Mr. Krabs are there, Mr. Krabs asks where SpongeBob is and SpongeBob shows up with Patrick, Sandy, and Plankton saying they are voting against it too. Plankton says he has no idea why he is voting as he doesn't pay his taxes anyway. A cop then shows up and everyone, including Mr. Krabs, start laughing pretending he was joking. The cop then walks off and Plankton asks Mr. Krabs why he was laughing, Mr. Krabs says he is trying to stop being "an asshole" to Plankton. Patrick then randomly lights a joint and SpongeBob tells him not to smoke weed because they're in a public place, Patrick asks why saying there's no one here except the people in the line to place their votes. SpongeBob then asks about the people in the line, and Patrick responds saying they don't seem to mind, Mr. Krabs then says Patrick has a point and SpongeBob just lets Patrick continue. SpongeBob, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Patrick, Sandy, and Plankton are then shown placing their votes one by one, Squidward says however that these votes likely won’t change a thing, and someone will likely rig the votes, the others ignore Squidward.

The scene cuts to the next day, business is slow again and Squidward is shown watching Ask Dr. Pig, Dr. Pig is shown diagnosing SpongeBot with robot. The show then cuts to a Bikini Bottom News Flash, Perch Perkins is reporting live at the Court House confirming that the Bikini Bottom Government have decided to increase the taxes and the votes meant nothing and it was always planned for the taxes to be increased. Perch then goes on a rant about the tax increase and says he is moving to New Kelp City, he then insults the news team and says he didn't get paid enough for what he does, he then ends the news flash by calmly saying "we now go to Bob with the Bikini Bottom Journal" but then shouts "so long [censor bleep]-ers." Squidward is furious after hearing the news, he calls into the Bikini Bottom Journal to share his thoughts. A guy named Austin calls into the Bikini Bottom Journal and asks if he is on the air, Bob says he is and Austin screams out "fuck" the call is then dropped and Squidward calls, he goes on a rant about the tax increase saying Perch was correct and he is also thinking of moving to New Kelp City, the call is then dropped. Squidward screams in frustration, Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Plankton, Sandy, and Patrick show up asking what is wrong and Squidward tell them tax increase is happening. They all don’t know what to do and Squidward tells them they could just move to New Kelp City, they all think that’s a good idea, Mr. Krabs says he should probably actually spend some of the money he has, maybe on a mansion they can all live in, Mr. Krabs goes to see where they can all move in, everyone else leaves to go pack for the move.

SpongeBob, Gary, Patrick, Sandy, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Plankton, Pearl, and some other Bikini Bottomites are then shown waiting at the bus stop for the next bus to New Kelp City. SpongeBob asks Patrick whether he’ll get a job and Patrick says he had plans for getting a job but he can’t remember what it was, he tells SpongeBob to let him get high then he will remember. Patrick then lights up another joint and SpongeBob asks him what the job was and Patrick responds asking "what job?" The bus to New Kelp City then shows up.

I'm going down to New Kelp

Gonna have myself a time

Friendly faces everywhere

Humble folks without temptation

Going down to New Kelp

Gonna leave my woes behind

Ample parking, day or night

People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!"

Heading on up to New Kelp

Gonna see if I can't unwind

Meow meow meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

So come on down to New Kelp

And meet some friends of mine

The scene cuts to the bus now at New Kelp City, SpongeBob asks Mr. Krabs if he found a place for them to move into, Mr. Krabs says he bought a big multi-million dollar mansion, he tells the cast to follow him. SpongeBob then sees a homeless guy smoking weed and drinking beer SpongeBob tells him to follow him. Squidward asks who the guy following him is, and SpongeBob then asks the homeless guy what his name is, and he says his name is Rex and asks if anyone wants some weed, Patrick says he does and Rex gives him some, and Patrick dances in excitement.

Mr. Krabs then stops in front of the mansion, Squidward then says it's beautiful, and immediately tries to open the door with Mr. Krabs having to tell him it is locked. Mr. Krabs then unlocks the door and Squidward runs in, he asks which room is his and Mr. Krabs says his room is on floor 24, Squidward then runs up the stairs Mr. Krabs then says he could've just used the elevator. Pearl then asks which room is hers, and Mr. Krabs says she doesn't just get a room, she gets all of floor 45. SpongeBob then asks Mr. Krabs which room is Rex’s, Mr. Krabs decides to give him a room on floor 32, he also tells SpongeBob his room is also on floor 32. Sandy and Patrick then come in, they want floor 69, but Mr. Krabs won't let them, claiming that's where all his money is, Rex then gives him the money he has been given since he has been homeless wanting it to be on floor 69. Patrick then asks where their rooms will be and Mr. Krabs says they will be on floor 74. Plankton asks which room he got, and Mr. Krabs says he gets the bottom floor, floor -67.

There is then a montage of everyone decorating their rooms. While SpongeBob is decorating his room, his alarm goes off, and SpongeBob immediately runs down the stairs, Mr. Krabs says again he could've used the elevator, SpongeBob ignores him and runs out the door. Mr. Krabs then wonders what he can do with the elevator.

SpongeBob is then shown at a job interview, the interviewer asks for more information about him. SpongeBob responds with "I am a sea sponge who used to live in a pineapple with a snail. I am friends with a pink starfish addicted to drugs, an octopus with squid in his name. A crab that's cheap, that's it. A squirrel who used to have more character but now only cares about science, and that's only if she gets screen time. A plankton who wanted to steal the Krabby Patty for-" The interviewer then cuts him off saying "wait you used to work at the Krusty Krab?" SpongeBob says he did. He is then hired by the interviewer.

The scene then cuts to Patrick and Rex on the couch smoking weed and watching a TV show called O shiri no monsutā, Patrick says he needs to call SpongeBob about it, he gets out his phone and calls him. SpongeBob is shown cooking Krabby Patties at his new job, he then says "my life sucks." His phone then starts ringing, SpongeBob answers it and Patrick just screams out "have you seen this O shiri no monsutā episode?" SpongeBob then says "no Patrick I am at work." Rex then asks Patrick what would happen if he smoked urine remover, Patrick says he doesn’t know. Rex then gets out a lighter and lights the urine remover. Rex then screams out "I can see the light!" SpongeBob then asks Patrick what happened in the episode, and Rex starts singing "I'm walking into the light, wow!" SpongeBob then asks Patrick what Rex is doing and Rex screams out "shut the hell up SpongeBob I am walking into the light." SpongeBob then asks what Rex is on and Patrick says "urine remover." The cashier then tells SpongeBob he needs 50 Krabby Patties and SpongeBob then tells Patrick and Rex he’ll have to call them back, Rex then says he is bleeding, SpongeBob then says he isn’t.

The scene then goes to SpongeBob coming home from work. SpongeBob then sees everyone in Rex’s room, SpongeBob asks if Rex is still high and sees Rex dancing to "ass like that" by Eminem and Sandy says she thinks he is. Rex then runs into the bathroom and comes out wearing a costume and claims he is PenisMan, he then says he is going to save the world and goes to the window thinking he can fly. It then fades to black.

Rex is then shown waking up asking what happened, SpongeBob tells him he got high on urine remover. The episode then fades to black and Rex is heard saying he is going to do it again, and Sandy is heard telling him not to.

As the credits roll SpongeBot appears telling kids not to take drugs.

Transcript

 * [The episode starts with the Krusty Krab business is slow so Squidward gets out the newspaper]
 * Customer: Why are you reading a newspaper when you can just look at the news on your phone.
 * Squidward: We don’t have free wifi apparently it costs too much.
 * Customer: What about mobile data?
 * Squidward: I used it all up watching a Kelpy G concert on YouTube.
 * Customer: Oh. Anyway, have you heard about the tax increase?
 * Squidward: What tax increase?
 * Customer: The Bikini Bottom Government are thinking of increasing the taxes, because apparently the Bikini Bottom Hospital, and Police Department are low on money.
 * Squidward: Why should I care about them?
 * Customer: Exactly. The Bikini Bottom Government are having a vote on whether they should increase the taxes or not.
 * Squidward: I don't understand why, but I'll definitely be voting after my shift. Wait, did you come in just to tell me that?
 * Customer: Yes. Yes I did. Well, bye! [leaves the Krusty Krab]
 * Squidward: [pokes his head through the kitchen window] SpongeBob, have you heard about the tax increase?
 * SpongeBob: What tax increase?
 * Squidward: The Bikini Bottom Government are going to increase the taxes!
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, so?
 * Squidward: Well. Uh. That's money you could be using on, uh, bubbles, uh, food for Gary, uh, fucking, jellyfish nets.
 * SpongeBob: [screaming] No!
 * Squidward: Don't worry SpongeBob, we can vote against it after our shifts, for some reason.
 * SpongeBob: But will our votes mean anything?
 * Squidward: Hmm... [thinks of Patrick dancing in a turkey costume]
 * SpongeBob: Squidward?
 * Squidward: Oh, uh, I don't, know.
 * SpongeBob: Oh okay.
 * Squidward: [in head] That was a close one.
 * SpongeBob: So…
 * Squidward: [in head] Oh shit, he's onto us.
 * SpongeBob: Where do we vote?
 * Squidward: Oh we vote in the library.
 * SpongeBob: Why the library?
 * Squidward: I don't know. Who uses libraries these days anyway? [hides library books]
 * SpongeBob: Oh okay.
 * [the scene cuts to the end of their shifts, Squidward and SpongeBob are leaving the Krusty Krab]
 * SpongeBob: Bye Mr. Krabs.
 * Mr. Krabs: Woah woah boys, where are you going?
 * Squidward: Oh the Bikini Bottom Government are thinking of increasing the taxes so we’re going down to the library to vote against it.
 * Mr. Krabs: Well why didn’t you tell me sooner, I am coming with you.
 * Squidward: Great. The more people we get to vote, the more chance the taxes won’t get increased. [in head] Even though someone’s gonna rig it.
 * [the scene cuts to Mr. Krabs and Squidward in the library waiting to vote]
 * Squidward: So… How’s life?
 * Mr. Krabs: Good, you?
 * Squidward: Good I guess, I got better internet recently.
 * Mr. Krabs: That’s cool I guess, how’s your life SpongeBob? Wait, where’s SpongeBob? [SpongeBob enters with Plankton, Patrick, and Sandy]
 * SpongeBob: Here I am, I decided to bring Plankton, Patrick, and Sandy, along with me.
 * Plankton: I don’t know why I am here. I don’t pay my taxes anyway. [a cop enters]
 * SpongeBob: [laughing] Good one Plankton. [everyone starts laughing pretending it's a joke, the cop then leaves]
 * Plankton: Why were you laughing Krabs?
 * Mr. Krabs: I am trying to you know, stop being an asshole to you.
 * Plankton: Eh, alright. [Patrick lights a joint]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, don't smoke weed in the library! It's a public place.
 * Patrick: Why not? There’s nobody here.
 * SpongeBob: What about the people in the line to place their votes?
 * Patrick: They don't seem to mind.
 * Mr. Krabs: He's got a point SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Eh.
 * [The cast all place their votes]
 * Everyone except Squidward: We did it woo!
 * Squidward: I wouldn't be too excited, someone is probably gonna rig for the votes, likely for YouTube views. [everyone walks off ignoring Squidward] Why do I even bother?
 * [The scene cuts to the Krusty Krab business is slow again and Squidward is shown watching Ask Dr. Pig]
 * Dr. Pig: SpongeBot678, I diagnose you, with robot. [audience claps]
 * SpongeBot678: You're racist.
 * Johnny Elaine: We interrupt Ask Dr. Pig to bring you this Bikini Bottom News Flash.
 * Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here reporting live from the Court House. We have confirmation that the taxes will be increased, all your votes meant nothing, it was always planned for the taxes to be increased. [censor bleep] you, I am moving to New Kelp City, and [censor bleep] you news team you don't pay me enough for what I do. [breathes, speaks more calmly] We now go to Bob with the Bikini Bottom Journal, [shouting] so long [censor bleep]-ers.
 * Squidward: What? This is ridiculous I am gonna call in!
 * Bob: Austin, you're on the air, good morning, we're doing open phones!
 * Austin: Hi am I on the air?
 * Bob: Yep.
 * Austin: Fuck! [call is dropped]
 * Bob: Thanks. Squidward, you're on the air.
 * Squidward: Good morning.
 * Bob: Good morning, so what are your thoughts on the tax increase?
 * Squidward: I think it's fucking stupid. It's pretty obvious everyone voted against it, but of course, the government doesn't care. I am moving to New Kelp City, Perch Perkins was absolutely correct. [call is dropped] What? They hung up on me! [screams, Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Plankton, Sandy, and Patrick appear]
 * SpongeBob: What's wrong?
 * Squidward: Where the- nevermind. Anyway, the tax increase is happening! [everyone screams]
 * SpongeBob: What are we going to do?
 * Squidward: Well, we could move to New Kelp City, their taxes aren’t that bad.
 * SpongeBob: That sounds like a good idea. [everyone else agrees with him] But where will we live?
 * Mr. Krabs: Don’t worry about that, I have a ton of money from the Krusty Krab, I can buy a mansion we can all live in. While I'm doing that, you should probably start packing.
 * [everyone leaves to start packing, SpongeBob, Gary, Patrick, Sandy, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Plankton, Pearl, and some other Bikini Bottomites are then shown waiting at the bus stop for the next bus to New Kelp City]
 * SpongeBob: Hey Patrick are you planning on getting a job in New Kelp City?
 * Patrick: I had plans on getting one but I can't remember. Hold on, let me get high then I will remember. [lights a joint, and the looney tunes theme plays]
 * SpongeBob: So what job are you getting?
 * Patrick: What job?
 * [the bus to New Kelp City shows up and the theme song plays]
 * Squidward: ♪I'm going down to New Kelp. Gonna have myself a time.♪
 * SpongeBob & Patrick: ♪Friendly faces everywhere! Humble folks without temptation!♪
 * Squidward: ♪Going down to New Kelp. Gonna leave my woes behind.♪
 * Sandy: ♪Ample parking, day or night! People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!"♪
 * Squidward: ♪Heading on up to New Kelp. Gonna see if I can't unwind.♪
 * Gary: ♪Meow meow meow meow meow meow! Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!♪
 * Squidward: ♪So come on down to New Kelp. And meet some friends of mine.♪
 * Bus driver: Last stop, New Kelp City. [everyone leaves the bus]
 * SpongeBob: So did you buy a mansion for us Mr. Krabs?
 * Mr. Krabs: Yes, in fact I bought a multi-million dollar mansion, it is apparently the biggest house in New Kelp City.
 * Squidward: You bought Kelpy G’s old mansion?
 * Mr. Krabs: No.
 * Squidward: Dammit.
 * Patrick: So how far do we have to walk to get there?
 * Mr. Krabs: I won’t tell you, just follow me. [SpongeBob sees a homeless guy smoking weed and drinking beer]
 * SpongeBob: Hey.
 * Homeless guy: Money goes here. [holds up a pot with hardly any money in it]
 * SpongeBob: Do you want a home?
 * Homeless guy: No I obviously have one, that’s why I am in the street collecting money.
 * SpongeBob: Follow me.
 * [cuts to the cast and the homeless guy following Mr. Krabs]
 * Squidward: Who is the guy following you SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: Uhh… What’s your name?
 * Homeless guy: Rex. Who wants some weed?
 * Patrick: Oh I do! [Rex gives Patrick some weed causing Patrick to dance around in excitement]
 * Mr. Krabs: Alright, we’re here.
 * Everyone: Wow!
 * Squidward: [crying] It’s beautiful! [tries to open the door]
 * Mr. Krabs: It’s locked Squidward. [unlocks the door, and Squidward runs in]
 * Squidward: Which room is mine Mr. Krabs?
 * Mr. Krabs: It’s on floor 24. [Squidward runs up the stairs excitedly] You could've just used the elevator but whatever.
 * Pearl: Daddy, which room is mine?
 * Mr. Krabs: You don't just get a room, you get all of floor 45.
 * Pearl: Thanks daddy! [goes to her room, SpongeBob and Rex enter]
 * SpongeBob: Which room is Rex’s?
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, uhh… It's on floor 32, same floor as your room SpongeBob. [Patrick and Sandy enter]
 * Patrick: Can our rooms be on floor 69?
 * Mr. Krabs: No! Not 69!
 * Sandy: Why not?
 * Mr. Krabs: Because uh, that's where all me money is!
 * Rex: Oh well in that case. [gives him the pot of money] Here! I needed a place to hide all that money. Thanks Mr. Krabs.
 * Mr. Krabs: Yeah uh, you're welcome.
 * Patrick: So where will our rooms be.
 * Mr. Krabs: Floor 74.
 * Sandy: Oh okay. [they both go off to their rooms]
 * Mr. Krabs: Phew. [Plankton enters]
 * Plankton: Where's my room Eugene?
 * Mr. Krabs: You get all of floor -67.
 * Plankton: [evil laugh]
 * [a montage of the cast decorating their rooms is shown, SpongeBob's alarm then goes off and he runs down the stairs]
 * Mr. Krabs: You could've just used the elevator. [SpongeBob ignores him and runs out the house] Hmm… I wonder what I can do with this elevator.
 * [cuts to SpongeBob at a job interview]
 * Interviewer: So SpongeBob tell me more about yourself.
 * SpongeBob: Well, I am a sea sponge who used to live in a pineapple with a snail. I am friends with a pink starfish addicted to drugs, an octopus with squid in his name. A crab that's cheap, that's it. A squirrel who used to have more character but now only cares about science, and that's only if she gets screen time. A plankton who wanted to steal the Krabby Patty for-.
 * Interviewer: Wait, you used to work at the Krusty Krab?
 * SpongeBob: Yes.
 * Interviewer: You're hired.
 * [cuts to Patrick and Rex on the couch smoking weed and watching a TV show called O shiri no monsutā, an explosion is seen on the TV]
 * Patrick: Woah, I have to call SpongeBob about this.
 * [SpongeBob is shown cooking some Krabby Patties]
 * SpongeBob: My life sucks. [phone starts ringing] Who’s calling me? [answers phone] Hello?
 * Patrick: [screaming] Have you seen this O shiri no monsutā episode?
 * SpongeBob: No Patrick, I am at work.
 * [scene goes back to Patrick and Rex on the sofa, Rex has a refill bottle of urine remover]
 * Rex: Patrick?
 * Patrick: Yes?
 * Rex: What would happen if I smoked this refill bottle of urine remover?
 * Patrick: I don’t know. [Rex lights the urine remover]
 * Rex: [screaming] I can see the light!
 * SpongeBob: So what happened in the episode?
 * Rex: ♪I'm walking into the light, wow! I'm walking into the light, wow!♪
 * SpongeBob: What is Rex doing?
 * Rex: Shut the hell up SpongeBob I am walking into the light.
 * SpongeBob: What is he on?
 * Patrick: Urine remover.
 * Cashier: SpongeBob I need 50 Krabby Patties. For me, I am trying to gain weight.
 * SpongeBob: Oh, I'll have to call you back.
 * Rex: [shouting] I'm bleeding!
 * SpongeBob: No you're not. [hangs up]
 * Cashier: I want these Krabby Patties done in 5 minutes.
 * SpongeBob: What?
 * Cashier: Good luck, and if these aren't done, I'll make you watch SpongeBob's Sketch Adventures.
 * SpongeBob: [screams] I'll get these done sir.
 * Cashier: Thanks SpongeBob! [leaves]
 * SpongeBob: Ah! Okay! 50 Krabby Patties! 50 Krabby Patties! [gets the patties] Oh yep. That looks good! [burns his hand on the grill] Ow! Shit! [censor bleep]-ing bitch.
 * [SpongeBob is shown entering the house after work, he goes up to his floor and enters Rex’s room after noticing everyone is in there]
 * SpongeBob: What’s going on? Is he still high?
 * Sandy: Uhh… [Rex is dancing to "Ass Like That" by Eminem]
 * Eminem: ♪Psych! I joke, I joke! I keed, I keed! If I offend, I'm sorry! Please, please, forgive! For I am Triumph the Puppet Dog, I am a mere puppet I can get away with anything I say and you will love it!♪
 * Sandy: Yeah I think so. [Rex runs into the bathroom]
 * SpongeBob: What’s he doing now? [Rex comes out in a PenisMan costume]
 * Rex: I am PenisMan!
 * SpongeBob: I love those comics!
 * Sandy: Don’t encourage him.
 * Rex: I am going to save the world!
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Yes! Go do it PenisMan! [Rex goes to the window]
 * Sandy: No! No don’t! [fades to black, Rex is then shown waking up]
 * Rex: Uhh… Not sure why so many people say that after waking up after an injury but whatever. What happened?
 * SpongeBob: You got high on urine remover, then thought you were PenisMan blah, blah, blah.
 * Rex: Woah! [fades to black] I am gonna go do it again!
 * Sandy: No!
 * [credits roll as SpongeBot678 starts talking to the audience]
 * SpongeBot678: Hi! I’m SpongeBot678. I’m the chairman of Fox Kids, Fox Nights, all that. Just wanted to tell you all not to take drugs, smoke, drink, anything! Because, they’re bad for you, they will mess your brain up for life, especially alcohol, that’s very very bad! If you smoke, your lungs will suffer! If you drink, your heart will suffer! If you take drugs, everything will suffer! So don't do it! Alright we’re good?
 * Cameraman: Yep.
 * SpongeBot678: You think kids won’t do all that stuff?
 * Cameraman: Yeah.
 * SpongeBot678: Okay good! End of the show, thanks for watching, and here comes the production stuff! [the vanity plates show up as the episode ends]

Trivia

 * The title card was leaked on NKC ' s official twitter account on April 1st 2018.
 * This episode aired on April 29, 2018 at 10pm on the SBN network.
 * WANTED SPONGECOCK.jpgWANTED: At the bus stop a wanted poster for SpongeCock SquarePants, a character from Life in Bikini Bottom, appears.

Reception
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