Nurse Noobs

Nurse Noobs is a fanon episode of the Nickelodeon original series, SpongeBob SquarePants. In this episode, Squidward is taking a sick day off of work and calls for tandem nurses. The tandem arrives, only to Squidward's surprise that the two nurses are SpongeBob and Patrick.

Characters

 * Squidward Tentacles
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Patrick Star
 * Dentist
 * Nurse
 * Fax Machine

Transcript

 * [episode begins with a medium shot of Squidward's house; in the background, a phone sound can be heard; the scene cuts to Squidward, dialing the phone, using a thermometer]


 * Squidward: 6...[dials]...4...[dials]...3. [collapses onto bed] Staying out of work is a plus. Being sick because of it is a bum. [uses thermometer to launch phone receiver onto chest]


 * Nurse: [on other line] "Nurses of Optimistic Benthos Sanctuaries" speaking.


 * Squidward: Squidward Tentacles. Sick. In need of help. Send nurses.


 * Nurse: Can do, Mr. Tentacles. Our nurse crew should be here in about...


 * [SpongeBob and Patrick burst through the wall, wearing nurse suits]


 * Nurse: ...right now. [hangs up, leaving dial tone]


 * SpongeBob: SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star reporting for nurse duty!


 * Patrick: I wanted to say that Patrick part. Would be nice to know who he is, though.


 * Squidward: What the barnacles are you two doing in here? I asked for two nurses.


 * SpongeBob: Well, you're in luck, because Patrick and I happen to be heavily trained in the nurse-ology of nursing fish that need to be nursed.


 * Squidward: Don't tell me you two work for the...


 * Patrick: That's right. We work for the "Nurses of..." uh...


 * SpongeBob: "...Optimistic Benthos Sanctuaries", also known as...


 * SpongeBob and Patrick: [in unison] The NOOBS!


 * Squidward: Of course.


 * SpongeBob: [carrying clipboard while approaching Squidward] And according to our charts, you, sir, have a terrible case of octo-itis!


 * Squidward: Octo-itis? Am I supposed to believe this is a real disease?


 * Patrick: [grabs Squidward and slams him onto bed; tapes Squidward to the bed] No time for questions. Now is the time to act so that you can attend work tomorrow!


 * Squidward: [sighs] Don't remind me.


 * SpongeBob: The first symptom of "Octo-itis" is the inability to resist being taped to beds owned by squids. Sadly you have fallen victim to such a sympton.


 * Squidward: But you guys...! You know what, just tell me the cure.


 * Patrick: You're going to have to get yourself out.


 * Squidward: But I'm tied to the bed! I have no scissors or hedgeclippers. Lucky for you two because if I did, you two would be... [face reddens] Whoa. My fever.


 * SpongeBob: Yes, it's working. Keep fever-ing, Squidward!


 * Squidward: Okay, but what's the point of... [tape begins to melt off due to fever] Hey. It's working. My fever is melting this tape off of me. [breaks out of tape and stands on bed] Woo hoo!


 * Patrick: Tackle him! [SpongeBob and Patrick tackle Squidward]


 * SpongeBob: Squidward, you musn't stand up. That's the second sympton: the desire to reach higher elevations!


 * Squidward: Oh goodness. What's the cure for that?


 * [scene cuts to Squidward, SpongeBob, and Patrick on the top of Squidward's house]


 * Squidward: Are you two crazy?! You want me to jump off of my house?!


 * Patrick: I thought we went through this already. [sighs] This job can become stressful. [pushes Squidward off roof]


 * [camera cuts to Squidward, laying smooched into the dirt]


 * SpongeBob: [approaches Squidward] Would you say he's cured, Pat?


 * Patrick: I'd say he checks out.


 * [scene cuts to Squidward, spinning on a wheel laying parallel on the ground]


 * Squidward: Is...this...really...necessary?


 * SpongeBob: Of course. The third symptom of "Octo-itis" is the need to cartwheel repeatedly.


 * Squidward: I wasn't cartwheeling. I was chasing you two hooligans until I tripped over a rock and began to roll like a pinwheel.


 * Patrick: Seems the same to me.


 * [scene cuts to Squidward, standing in front of a maze, wearing glasses]


 * Squidward: Why in the world am I doing this?


 * SpongeBob: To cure symptom number four: loss of direction.


 * Squidward: Loss of direction?! You guys spun me on a wheel 127 times! I was dizzy!


 * Patrick: Anyways, now you must walk through a dark maze while wearing glasses with the wrong prescription. Easy of eating 20 pies.


 * Squidward: Glad I wrote a will. [begins walking]


 * [scene cuts to Squidward, now standing in front of a fax machine]


 * Squidward: Do I really have to do this?


 * Patrick: Yeah, does he?


 * SpongeBob: Of course he does. Symptom number five is the fear of authoritative power. Send Mr. Krabs this strongly-worded letter and all will be fixed.


 * Squidward: Says you. You're not the one with your job on the line. [presses "FAX" button]


 * Fax Machine: You have fax mail. [sends letter]


 * Squidward: [reads letter] "If only I could fire you...", signed Mr. Krabs.


 * [scene cuts to Squidward, laying on a dentist's bed with a dentist standing next to him]


 * Squidward: Do I really need a "root canal"?


 * SpongeBob: Symptom five: dentists are...it's a symptom, okay?!


 * Dentist: Say "ouch".


 * Squidward: Help.


 * Dentist: Close enough.


 * [scene cuts to Squidward, free-falling from the sky with a parachute]


 * Squidward: Come on, you "NOOBS". Why do I have to free-fall from 55,000 feet?


 * SpongeBob: Symptom six: Fear of heights can be avoided by free-falling from 60,000 feet.


 * Squidward: But we're at 55,000 feet!


 * Patrick: We couldn't afford the extra 5000.


 * [scene cuts to Squidward, flossing his toenails in the bathroom]


 * Squidward: Flossing my toenails? Why, dare I ask.


 * SpongeBob: Symptom seven: toe fungus can be avoided by doing the flossing of toes.


 * Patrick: [holds up disgusting toes] Wish I was informed of that.


 * [scene cuts to Squidward, running down a hallway; he approaches a closet and closes the door to a dark room]


 * Squidward: I can't take it. I just can't do it. It's the final symptom. What annoying physical test will I be put to this time?


 * SpongeBob: [turns on light] Actually, nothing physical is involved in this one. Symptom eight: the inacknowledgement of the great day one just had.


 * Squidward: The great day I had? I was spun on a wheel, pushed off my house, free-fell from 55,000 feet, got my teeth tampered with by an unlicensed dentist, taped to my bed, tackled on my bed, flossed my toes, and now you expect to believe that I just had the best sick day of my life?


 * SpongeBob and Patrick: [look at each other; in unison] Yep.


 * Squidward: That is the most...correct thing you guys have ever said. I guess today was pretty amazing. Thank you, you two noobs. I guess you two turned out to be pretty good nurses. [lays on bed; falls sound asleep]


 * SpongeBob: [whispering] Come, Patrick. Our nurse duty here is done.


 * Patrick: We were nurses? Oh. I thought we were tourists. [holds up book] This book listed all of the things we could do to enjoy a perfectly good sick day in Bikini Bottom.


 * SpongeBob: Oh. Oh well then. SpongeBob and Patrick, away!


 * Patrick: I wanted to say that part!


 * [episode ends]