The Squidward Effect

The Squidward Effect is the twenty-sixth episode of Livin' With The Squid.

Characters

 * Squidward Tentacles
 * Squilvia
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Patrick Star
 * Technetium
 * Sheldon J. Plankton (cameo)

Plot
After realizing that everyone he's dated has ended up getting murdered during their relationship, Squidward begins dating Squilvia in hopes that this will kill her.

Story
The episode begins in Squidward's living room, the room dimly lit. Squidward glanced left and right, a smirk forming on his face once he realized that no one was there. He then took out his clarinet, shoving it up his ass and beginning to play music through it. "Oh yeah baby!" he grinned, beginning to play the tune of We Like To Party, as he danced like a maniac. Suddenly the lights turned on. "What the hell are you doing with a clarinent up your ass?" Technetium asked, SpongeBob and Patrick right beside him.

Squidward once used to live in Bikini Bottom

With neighbors SpongeBob and Patrick

But then he had enough

He couldn't take them anymore

So he moved to Coral City

And well now let's just say

It couldn't have gotten any worse!

"I can explain!" Squidward pleaded. "No, you can't," Patrick said dryly. "Okay, fine I can't," Squidward sighed. "Aha! I knew it!" Patrick exclaimed, crossing his arms in pride. SpongeBob then walked over to his roommate, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Squidward, it's okay. We'll get through this together. I know it can be tough when you have an addiction. But trust me, I will help you. Soon you'll be off Red Mist. You'll be back to your normal life again. Soon-" SpongeBob spoke, trying to motivate the poor squid when suddenly Patrick attacked his listener.

"Gah! Get off me, you moron!" Squidward shouted. "Stay away from my boyfriend!" Patrick growled, beginning to punch Squidward multiple times. "Awww, he's rejecting the advances of another suitor!" SpongeBob grinned. "He's also beating up your friend," Technetium pointed out dryly. SpongeBob's eyes widened, quickly ripping Patrick off his friend. "If you want to be in a relationship so much, why don't you go out and find yourself your own significant other?" Patrick asked, pointing his finger at Squidward.

SpongeBob and Technetium glanced at Patrick. "I'm trying to as politically correct as I can here," he stated. "Patrick! I can't do that! Every single girl I've dated has ended up getting murdered during our relationship! I can't let that happen again!" Squidward explained. "Having a bit too much Red Mist, Squidward?" Technetium asked. He and SpongeBob soon began to laugh. "Hey! I'm off Red Mist now! And I've been off it for a long time!" Squidward said in defense, taking out a can of Red Mist and sipping it.

"Why don't you get a boyfriend then?" Patrick asked. "Because I'm not gay!" Squidward retorted. "Are you bisexual?" Patrick asked. "No," Squidward answered. "Pansexual?" he asked. "No," Squidward replied. "Autosexual?" he asked. "No," Squidward responded. "Asexual?" he asked. "Yes," Squidward said, nodding his head. "Aha! Gotcha! Asexuality doesn't exist! It's just a special snowflake sexuality invented by people who want to feel unique!" Patrick grinned. "You're an idiot," Squidward muttered. "Well, I know that." Patrick said, rolling his eyes. "Wait! I got an idea" Squidward grinned, suddenly a lightbulb appearing over his head. The lightbulb then fell down, shattering onto his head, causing the squid to fall unconscious. "I guess we'll never hear his idea," Patrick said.

Squilvia's House Squilvia had been on her laptop, watching a video of Patrick pole-dancing. "Oh, yeah! That's how you do it, girls! Or are you guys boys? I can't really tell. In my mind, everyone's equal. Except asexuals. They can go die in hell. With that terrible jellyfish that won't get a job," he ranted. "What a sexy starfish," she moaned. Suddenly, Squidward came in crashing through the window. "What a sexy squid," she moaned, turning her attention towards him. "Squilvia! We begin to begin dating! Now!" he demanded, quickly getting off from the ground.

"Oh, Squidward! I've been waiting for this moment my whole life!" she grinned. "Wait, what?" Squidward asked. "Yep, ever since high school," she explained. "We didn't know eachother in high school!" Squidward sputtered. "Oh, right," she recalled. "Now let's get dating! What do you want to do now?" Squidward asked. "Oh, I have an idea~" Squilvia smirked, patting the spot on the bed next to her. "You want to lay on your deathbed?! Perfect! I'll go start digging the grave!" Squidward grinned, hopping out the window. "Oh god! I think I cracked something! We might have to dig a grave for me as well!" Squilvia shouted off-screen. "Not exactly what I had in mind," Squlvia sighed.

The Next Day Squilvia walked over to Squidward. "Whatcha doin' there, hot shot?" Squilvia asked. "Oh, hey Squilvia! I finished digging your grave! Right now I'm building the coffin. I could use a screw, though. Go ahead and fetch one for me, dear?" Squidward asked. "Oh, don't worry. I'll give a screw alright. I'll give you a real good screw," she smirked, beginning to take off her clothes when suddenly Patrick appeared. "Here you go, Squidward!" Patrick grinned, handing his roommate a screw. "Gee, thanks Patrick!" Squidward grinned. "Grr...." Squilvia growled.

A Few Hours Later "Squilvia! I've finished the coffin! Come look!" Squidward called out. "Oh, gee Squidward. That's great..." she said monotonely, walking out over to the yard. "Yep! We can go out for dinner and then I can throw you into the coffin! Sounds good, right?" Squidward asked. "Not really," Squilvia said dryly. "Perfect!" Squidward grinned, grabbing her hand and zooming to the Krusty Krab. Suddenly, he stopped to a halt. "Plankton?" Squidward asked. "Oh, hello Squidward. How are you doing tonight?" Sheldon asked.

"Oh, I'm doing great! Fabulous! Absolutely fantastic!" Squidward answered happily. "Okay, you don't have to say it three times," Sheldon said drlyly. "Wanna know why I'm so happy?" Squidward asked. "Eh, I guess so. Beats anything Karen has to say," Sheldon shrugged. "Okay, see that girl that's standing next to me? Every girl I date ends up dying during the course of our relationship and tonight after dinner, it's her turn!" Squidward explained maliciously. "How do you know she's gonna die tonight?" Sheldon asked. "I JUST KNOW! Now hand me my food!" Squidward demanded. "You haven't ordered yet," the small cashier pointed out.

One Hour Later Squidward stood up from the table."Welp, dinner's over. Time for you to die!" Squidward announced. "Actually I'm still-" Squilvia began. "Who cares?!" Squidward shouted, grabbing Squilvia's tentacle and pulling her out the resaturant. He then dragged her back home, bringing her over to the coffin, which was now placed in the hole he had dug earlier. "Welp, Squilvia! Time to get in!" Squidward said cheerfully. "Uh, Squidward. On second thought, I don't really think I want to do this..." she admitted. "Well, too bad!' Squidward grinned evilly, pushing her into the coffin.

"Ooh, I see what you're doing!" Squilvia smirked, grabbing Squidward's tentacle and pulling him into the coffin with her. "Gah! What are you doing?!" Squidward questioned. "Just having a party, baby!" she grinnned promiscuously, closing the door of the coffin.

Trivia

 * This episode aired exactly a year after "From The Surface".
 * Squilvia watching a video of Patrick pole-dancing is a reference to "Unlawful Laws". Meanwhile, Patrick's comment in the video about "that terrible jellyfish that won't get a job" is a reference to "The Good Old Days".
 * It is revealed that Patrick is an acephobic.