Childish Games

Childish Games is the twenty-third episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the third episode of season 2. In this episode, after littering, Squidward is sentenced to become the caretaker of a local daycare named the Exact Antonym of Standard Youth, or EASY. The children, proving to be more eccentric than expected. Squidward, frustrated, attempts to play the children at their own game, yet this plan nearly gets the children sent to military school. Now, Squidward has until ten o'clock that night to get the children to become behaved. Will this all pay off or turn out disastrous? This episode is paired with The Slug Quintet.

Characters

 * Squidward Tentacles
 * Patrick Star (cameo)
 * Police Officers (debut)
 * Police Officer 1/Officer Flounder
 * Police Officer 2
 * EASY Children (debut)
 * Child 1
 * Child 2/Kenny
 * Child 3
 * Child 4
 * Child 5
 * Female Fish
 * Judge

Transcript

 * [episode begins with Squidward, walking out of his house to his garden; Squidward is holding a watering can and is wearing a garden hat; gloves are hanging from a belt along with other gardening supplies]
 * Squidward: [sits on knees; leans to plants] It has been a couple of days, my sweet tulips. But now, you shall now receive your watering...once again. [pours water on tulips]
 * [one tulip's flowers absorb the water; the tulip sinks and then rises and blooms]
 * Squidward: My first bloom this season. [sarcastically] I wonder who could ruin even this moment. [stands up] Well, luckily, he's at work and I'm here, on my day off...that I had to beg for. [waters more plants]
 * Patrick: [walks over to Squidward] Hey there, Squid-nose.
 * Squidward: Patrick, you calling me that name is exactly why I had to get the cops down here! [chops a tall plant] Go away or I'll do something I'll regret.
 * Patrick: Such as what, Squidward?
 * Squidward: Uh...well...I'll have to think about it. [points to side] Just leave!
 * Patrick: So that means I can stay?
 * Squidward: [facepalms] What in the world made you possibly believe that I meant stay?
 * Patrick: [points in same direction as Squidward] You're pointing to your own house.
 * Squidward: [looks at finger, pointing to his own house; wipes face with hand] Patrick, I will pay you [reaches into pocket; pulls out gum] one stick of gum to leave.
 * Patrick: Okay! [hops up and down in joy, yet crushing tulips]
 * Squidward: [throws stick of gum at Patrick's face] Go!
 * Patrick: [hops away gleefully] Wheee!
 * Squidward: [looks at wrapper in hand] Well, now what do I do with this wrapper? [looks at it carefully] I wonder if I can make a helicopter from this? Nah! We're not falling for that one again, now are we?. [throws wrapper away]
 * SpongeBob: [walks out of house with megaphone] Hello there, Bikini Bottom! What a nice morning, wouldn't you agree?!
 * Squidward: [looks around] It was a nice morning. [grips watering can] Now it's too early in the morning. [continues watering] Can I at least just water my own garden without...
 * SpongeBob: What?! Litter? [points to the gum wrapper] Why would someone throw something on the ground as if an imaginary trash can is down there? And why would they do it on Squidward's lawn?
 * Squidward: That little blabber mouth! [runs to cover SpongeBob's mouth] SpongeBob! Stop that...talking of yours.
 * SpongeBob: [Squidward removes hand] What is it, Squidward? I'm just expressing my discontent for whomever littered on your, Squidward Tentacles, lawn? Litter?!
 * Squidward: Would you be quiet? You little...!
 * Police Officer: [offscreen] Litter, eh?
 * SpongeBob: [gasps] The cops! Squidward, what did you?!
 * Squidward: [picks up SpongeBob; kicks him into horizon] Uh...[chuckles nervously] May I help you, officer?
 * Police Officer: Actually, you can. But not just me. [angrily] You can help the community by picking up the trash you left on the ground!
 * Squidward: Oh, [points to wrapper] that trash. Oh, I can assure you officer, I had nothing to do with that wrapper.
 * Police Officer: Oh really? [begins writing ticket] That story is likely, [finishes ticket] yet not enough to fool this certain police officer. [hands Squidward the ticket]
 * Squidward: [takes ticket] What's this?
 * Police Officer: It's a ticket for littering.
 * Squidward: Why should I get a ticket for littering on my own lawn?
 * Police Officer: Just read it!
 * Squidward: [reads ticket aloud] "This ticket is issued to the litterbug in question. Punishment and/or Consequence: Court date"?!
 * Police Officer: That's right! You're court date is tomorrow, unless I get a 729. Then it'll be immediate.
 * Walkie-Talkie: Officer Flounder! Come in. I have a seven twenty...eight. I repeat: a seventy twenty eight! [a male voice is heard through the walkie-talkie saying "Put it down! Put it down!"] Oops. I mean a seven twenty nine. I repeat [male fish voice says "They heard you the first time!"; walkie-talkie hangs up]
 * Officer Flounder: Let's go, Mr. Squidward.
 * [scene cuts a courthouse; Squidward is in the waiting room, waiting for the case in session to conclude; security guards are scanning the perimeter; the case closes and the plantiff and defendant depart; Squidward begins walking into the courtroom]
 * Announcer: [camera cuts to announcer] And we move to our next case: Squidward Tentacles. Well...there you go. [camera pans to Squidward, at his podium, before the judge]
 * Judge: So, Mr. Squidward. You have been accused of littering on your own lawn.
 * Squidward: An unfortunate truth.
 * Judge: Do you deny this?
 * Squidward: [bangs hand on table] What I deny is the police officer who gave me the ticket! I mean seriously. Why get a ticket for littering on your own lawn?
 * Judge: Obviously you're not familiar with the updated city ordinance.
 * Squidward: What updated city ordinance?
 * Judge: [leans over desk angrily] The one I just made up! You cannot litter on your own lawn. It's still litter! Therefore, Mr. Tentacles, I sentencing you to...[phone rings] Ooh. I have to take this. [answers phone] Hello? [pause] What do you mean she quit? [pause] It's not that hard. [pause] Oh...well, there's that. [hangs up] I've come to my conclusion! Mr. Squidward, you are sentenced to take care of my son's daycare for the rest of the day! Until midnight! Or whatever their bedtime is. [picks up hammer] Court is now a journey! [hits hammer on nail] Ironic, right?
 * Squidward: What?! [begins walking out of courtroom] A daycare? This is going to spoil...no...squander my talents!
 * Police Officer 2: Yeah yeah. [lifts Squidward] Just get in the car. [throws Squidward into open car door]
 * Squidward: [presses hands to window] Help! Help! This is kidnap! [to self] I think with this problem, kid is the wrong choice of words.
 * Police Officer 2: If this isn't going to be a long car ride...[hops into car and drives away]
 * [scene cuts to a medium-sized building; the car Squidward and the police officer are in pulls up; kids are seen running in front of the building]
 * Squidward: [jumps out of car] I've got to get out of here!
 * Police Officer 2: [rides in front of Squidward with segway] Halt, Mr. Squidward!
 * Squidward: Halt?
 * Police Officer 2: I'm forced to use it with the job.
 * Squidward: No no. I'm fine with it. I'm just surprised you would use it in the prescene of these children.
 * Police Officer 2: It helps to confuse them to keep them sane. [rolls eyes] You wouldn't believe how many complaints the city got about broken windows, noise complaints, destruction of several roofs, and loss of valuables. [whispers to Squidward] And that was just at my house. [rides to side of car with segway] Well then. Have fun. [hops into car and drives away]
 * Squidward: [scoffs] Doubt it. [looks at building and sees the word "EASY"] Easy? I don't see what's so hard about this with a name like "Easy"? [walks into building to see many child-like accessories such as bouncy houses] Piece of cake. [plate of cake hits Squidward's face]
 * Child 1: Hey, you were right, Frank. The cake's trajectory would hit the creepy squid guy in the face!
 * Squidward: [wipes cake off with towel] Clever. Clever. [to self] Everyone here is a critic. [looks down at leg, only to see a child biting on it]
 * Child 2: I didn't know the cafeteria served calamari! [continues chewing]
 * Squidward: Ah! [wiggles child off] Stay alert, Squiddy. You're in uncharted territory.
 * Child 1: What's [pronounces "TUR-RIT-TURY] territory? It sounds fun.
 * Squidward: Territory! That's it! That's it! [pushes all children into corner] Okay, everyone. If you want to play your silly games, then go to the kid's corner with all the fun stuff. I will stay in the adult corner, where people are mature and play. Yet play only by the rules.
 * Child 1: [to another child] Notice how their's only one of them. [all children laugh]
 * Squidward: Are you...you...how dare...?! Fah! [sits down and opens book] I don't need them. I have solitary confinement...which may sound wrong, yet in this case, is the best case scenario. [leans back in chair and reads] No Angelina! No! Tell him how much you need that job! [ball is thrown at Squidward] Just ignore it, Angelina. I mean, Squidward. [growls]
 * Child 1: [to Child 2] He's not cracking. We need to turn up the power.
 * Squidward: [continues reading] Why, Angelina? Just why did you have to break the boss's window? [a flurry of lightning quick balls shread through the book; the book pages catch fire; the smoke Puffs and the dust blows away] I guess we'll never know. [stands up and walks to bouncy house] Okay, you little children. I'll bite...no...I'll bite and then chew! Why do you keep throwing balls at me?
 * Child 1: [shrugs shoulders] We wanted to. And it's fun.
 * Squidward: You disentegrated my book!
 * Child 1: Reading's not fun. [children throw a flurry of balls at Squidward, knocking him into the ballpit]
 * Squidward: [rises from balls] Oh no. [falls back in; rises and gasps for air] I'm drowning! I'm...[sinks; rises with a straight face] What am I doing? [ball hits face] That's it! [grabs eight balls using hands and feet; throws all of the balls simultaneously at children]
 * [ball hits child fish; the child fish falls down; next ball hits child behind the first child; continues until reaching last child; the children prop back up]
 * Child 1: This means war! [children run into ball pit and throw Squidward out] Time to take you down, squid guy! [children pour all of the balls from the ball pit at Squidward, flooding him]
 * Squidward: [sinks below all of the balls; rises above balls, coughing] Looks like my mother was right. [sinks below the balls]
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, carrying a cup of coffee]
 * Squidward: [drinks coffee] Good ol' coffee. [looks around] Now hopefully those children won't return and ruin even this. It's my only time to relax. [loud crash is heard; looks out of kitchen] What's going on in here?!
 * Child 4: Whoops. I think I made a mess. [sarcastically; looks up at Squidward] Looks like the squid guy is going to have to clean it up.
 * Squidward: Oh, I clean up something, alright. [hands child paper towels] Your act! Clean it up yourself! You children are going to have to learn to do things on your own instead of causing all of these messes!
 * Child 1: Ironic, eh?
 * Squidward: What is?
 * Child 1: How you're telling us to clean up when you're the one who got into this mess by [holds in laugh] littering.
 * Squidward: Why...I...you! I have had enough of you for today! [looks at children] You all want messes? I'll give you messes! [pours coffee onto ground] There! How's that?!
 * Child 1: Kind of the same, really.
 * Squidward: Kind of the...?! [takes a cup from child] How about something that you hold near and dear, huh? [throws cup into ball pit] Huh? How do you like that?
 * [children tie up Squidward]
 * Squidward: What are you doing, you goons?
 * Child 1: We're making you clean up your mess! Your cloth? The only cloth you need is the blanket of vengeance! [children throw Squidward into ball pit]
 * Squidward: [in midair] I hate this jooooob! [sinks below the balls]
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, sitting in the corner with his eyes squinted; the children are making loud noises in the background]
 * Squidward: I never knew children could make these many annoying sounds...at nap time!
 * Child 1: What did you expect this job to be?
 * Squidward: It even says it on your building! I thought this job was going to easy!
 * Child 1: Easy? [thinks] Oh. You mean the name of building. "EASY".
 * Squidward: Yes. The name of the building.
 * Child 1: [sits down] Oh, you're just like every other caretaker that came here when Ms. Guppy is away. They always suspect the name as truth. Not many know that EASY is actually an acronym.
 * Squidward: Acronym?!
 * Child 1: Exact Antonym of Standard Youth. EASY.
 * Squidward: Why didn't you tell me this earlier?!
 * Child 1: Why didn't you ask?! [walks away]
 * Squidward: [child trumpets in his ear sourly] You call that music?! [children stop the noises and stare at Squidward] This is music, little children! [takes out clarinet; begins playing sourly as well]
 * [children begin to whine; some children are covering their ears; others are fainting]
 * Child 5: [takes the clarinet] Stop this torture! Are you a monster?!
 * Squidward: Am I a monster?! You're the ones causing me so much stress, that I had to take stress pills for my stress pills!
 * Child 3: [offscreen] He's right over there, officers! [camera pans quickly to Child 3, cornered by two police officers]
 * Police Officer 3: Come with us, Mr. Squidward. [lifts Squidward and carries him out door]
 * Squidward: But I'm not the one at fault!
 * [scene cuts back to the EASY building; a police car drops Squidward off in front of the building]
 * Squidward: [stomps into the EASY building] That's it, children! I'm tired of this! Being trampled by balls! Being thrown into the balls while being tied up! And now, a visit to the police station?! I'm done with all of this!
 * Child 4: Does that include...?
 * Squidward: Yes! I have no other choice! Children, get out!
 * Child 1: But this is our pre-school.
 * Squidward: I don't care! I want all of you out! [all of the children begin walking out of the open door] That's right. Keep it moving! [slams door] Finally, some alone time. [sits down in chair] Finally a place to relax...without a ball getting thrown at my head. [ball hits shoulder; looks at corner] What in the sea?!
 * Child 2: You left the door unlocked. [throws another ball at Squidward]
 * Squidward: [begins growling; gets idea] Wow, these balls seem fun. [grabs ball; throws it at vase, breaking it; ball bounces back] They seem to bounce perfectly. [leaps behind ball pit; tips the ball pit over, causing a flood of balls over the children] This is fun! [throws a cup on the ground, spilling the contents]
 * [scene cuts to a montage of Squidward, throwing balls, spilling cups, breaking objects, and squeaking his clarinet]
 * Female Fish: [walks into EASY building] I'm here to check on the children. [looks around, seeing an abundance of mess; numerous fluids spilled everywhere; dents in the walls; the lighting is flickering] Oh my Neptune! What in the world is going on here?
 * Squidward: [stops squeaking; looks back quickly; body turns to neck] Ooooh...all this mess? Well, uh, this mess is...well...uh...[grabs children] all the children's fault!
 * Female Fish: [looks at the children both in anger and disgust] Why, I never...! I thought that this exchange was going to straighten you kids out! But I guess I was wrong! [closes eyes; stands firmly] It looks like I have no choice, but to send you toddlers to none other than...[dramatic music] military school.
 * Squidward: [gasps] Military school?!
 * Female Fish: [throws military outfits over the children] The bus will be here tomorrow at noon.
 * Squidward: [gulps] Wait, Miss...uh...Miss. I promise I can straighten these fray children out. Just give me some more time. I can do this!
 * Female Fish: Well, considering that the court issued you here until the children's bedtime, I guess I can give you until [points to Squidward] ten o'clock tonight, Squidward. I'll be back at that time precisely. These children better be fixed by then...or else the court will have some words to say to you, Mr. Tentacles. [firmly walks out of EASY building]
 * Squidward: [biting fingers] Until ten o'clock? [looks at clock] It's six o'clock now! [begins sweating] How am I going to fix these children in less than four hours? [spagetti flies into face] Of all of the things that have inflicted my face, [wipes face with hand] that has to be the most disgusting. [wipes face again] And most...noodle-ly. [looks at child, who is eating food with their hands] Don't they have ethics here?
 * Child 4: No, not really. All we really do is do something wrong and learn from it. [shrugs shoulders] But that process could take weeks. Sometimes even months.
 * Squidward: Really? [looks at entire table of children; some eating with their hands; others eating with forks]
 * Child 2: [growls; attempts to pick up food with fork, yet failing] Why won't this fork collect any food?
 * Squidward: Hmm? [looks at fork] It's because this fork is not for eating dinner foods. It's for eating appetizers.
 * Child 2: What's an appetizer?
 * Squidward: Don't you children learn anything here?
 * [children exchange looks; children then look at Squidward and shake their heads]
 * Squidward: [lifts two forks, one longer than the other] Do you see these two forks? The look the same, right? [children nod] They do. But they both have different purposes. [holds up longer fork] This fork is the one I see most you using. It's very common. Long, fits a larger hand, and picks up food pretty well. [holds up bowl] Preferably dinner foods. [shows contents of bowl to children] This is not dinner food. This is...[looks in bowl] let's see. We have lettuce, tomato, a couple of onions. Here we have what is known as a "salad". [puts down bowl] Salads are not dinner foods. They are what you call "appetizers". For such foods as appetizers, you use the [holds up smaller fork] small fork. This fork is the one you children should use for your "snackies" and "lunchies". Yet, the [holds up larger fork] larger fork should be used for dinner foods, such as clam stew, crema de gamberi, and...[sees blank children]
 * Child 1: Dude. I think you lost us.
 * Squidward: [sighs] Long fork: dinner. Short fork: lunch.
 * Child 4: Oh. It's all clear now. [places two forks beside plate]
 * Squidward: Beh beh beh. [lifts both forks]
 * Child 4: Are you trying to starve me, man?
 * Squidward: If that's what it takes to make you children learn ethics, then yes. Before you even think of eating...
 * Child 4: But I've already thought of it.
 * Squidward: Quiet! Now, before you even eat, you must learn how to place your forks. [places forks on table] It's simple. [places large fork on left] The large fork on your left. [places short fork on the right of large fork] The short fork on your right.
 * Child 4: Can I eat now?
 * Squidward: [holds up finger] "May you eat now?", you mean.
 * Child 4: May I eat now? [Squidward hands Child 4 the forks]
 * Squidward: [to self] I think I might be able to pull this off yet.
 * Child 2: Really, because I think that Kenny has quite a good grip on your leg this time.
 * Squidward: [looks down at leg to see Kenny, gnawing Squidward's leg again] What are you doing?
 * Kenny: I told you. I like calamari. [continues gnawing]
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, in the middle of the room]
 * Squidward: Now, we are going to learn how to "shake hands". It very simple. [holds out hand] You hold out your hand. [moves arm up and down] You move your arm upward and downward. Now let's all try it. [holds out hand for children to practice shaking] We'll practice by shaking my hand.
 * Child 1: [sighs] If it'll keep me out of military school...[grabs Squidward's hand; lets go] There we are.
 * Squidward: Hold it! [stops Child 1] You call that a shake?
 * Child 1: I call it passing.
 * Squidward: You may call it passing, but you're not going to pass me until you give me a shake. Now shake my hand! [holds out hand again]
 * Child 1: [scoffs] Lame combat. [begins shaking Squidward's hands]
 * Squidward: Come on. You can do it harder than that, right?
 * Child 1: [tightens shake] Is that good?
 * Squidward: [air Puffs in cheeks; in pain] Yeah, that's good.
 * Child 1: Are you sure I'm not hurtng you?
 * Squidward: Nope. I'm f...[faints]
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, at a long table; the children are all sitting opposite of Squidward]
 * Squidward: Okay, children. Now that you all sort of know the basics, especially those who know how to medically revive someone...[looks at child]
 * Child 3: It was my pleasure.
 * Squidward: Really? How come you can perform CPR yet you can't even hold a spork?!
 * Child 3: Because I'm too caught up being yelled at by a squid.
 * Squidward: [stutters] Why...you children! You know what. We don't have time for this. We have to move on to our next subject.
 * Child 1: Which is...?
 * Squidward: Proper ways of speaking.
 * Child 1: But don't we already speaking proper?
 * Squidward: [sighs] If only.
 * [scene cuts to montage of Squidward teaching the children proper speaking]
 * Squidward: [crawls out of room] Whoo. That's the most work I've had to do in ages. Hopefully it all paid off.
 * Child 1: Hey, squid. You promised me twenty bucks.
 * Female Fish: [walks in] It's time, Mr. Tentacles. Did the children learn their proper skills?
 * Squidward: [turns to children] Okay, children. Let's show Miss...uh...Miss, what we've learned. Uh, you...[points to child] show this...um...lady, the proper fork placement.
 * Child 1: Can do! [runs into kitchen; pulls out two forks, one longer than the other] The shorter fork is used for the dinner foods, and the larger fork for the appetizers.
 * Squidward: [facepalms] If only time came with a reset button. [points to another child] You. Execute the proper technique for a hand shake.
 * Child 2: [holds out hand] Let's shake on it. [grabs Squidward's hand; begins shaking vigorously]
 * Squidward: Okay, that'll do! [Child 2 stop vigorous shaking; sighs] Yep. Really want that reset button. And finally, proper speech. [points to child] You. You...know what to do.
 * Child 3: [clears throat] How are I today?
 * Squidward: Use your sheet!
 * Child 3: [looks at sheet] I have good today.
 * Squidward: [facepalm] Oh, come on!
 * Child 3: Squidward, the stuff you wrote doesn't sound right. I think you need to work on your vocabulary.
 * Squidward: Go! [pushes Child 3 out of way] Look, miss. I know things may look bad, but...
 * Female Fish: No need to hear more, Mr. Squidward. [smiles] I can see the effort you've put into these children. I can see they know [clears throat] the...uh...basics, somewhat. Therefore, I will not be sending them to military school.
 * [the entire crowd, excluding a proud female fish, cheers]
 * Squidward: [watch beeps] Yes! Ten o'clock. We're done! Whoo hoo! [runs in happiness; slips on a ball; the ball begins bouncing, breaking plates and other objects]
 * Child 4: [restricting self; grunting] Must...not...react. [grunts] Can't play with...balls. [yells] Ah! I can't take it anymore!
 * [children snap and begin running around the place; the children begin throwing and flooding balls around the building; objects begin breaking]
 * Female Fish: This is all your fault, Mr. Squidward! I gave you enough time to train these children to be calm, and you turn them into monsters! I should get a police officer down here right now!
 * Squidward: Police officer? That's it! [stands in center of living room] I know what I must do. [breathes in] Children! Children! Stop your frolic! Return to civilized demeanor! Do not rebound your balls off the walls. Don't annihilate the objects surrounding your environment! Return to stability and law-abiding children. [children calm down and sits in a row in front of Squidward]
 * Female Fish: Whoa. How did you do that?
 * Squidward: I remember the police officer telling me how to calm the children down. By using large words.
 * Female Fish: I guess you really do know how to handle these children.
 * Squidward: Oh please. It's too...easy. [ball hits Squidward's head]
 * [episode ends]