Resolution Ruckus (ADWSS Episode Transcript)


 * [The episode begins with SpongeBob and Patrick, writing on pieces of paper quickly]
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: And…. DONE!
 * SpongeBob: So, what are your new year resolutions?
 * Patrick: I couldn’t think of any.
 * SpongeBob: Nor could I.
 * Patrick: Ooh! I came up with one!
 * SpongeBob: What?
 * Patrick: We can annoy Squidward more!
 * SpongeBob: That’s what we did last year, though.
 * Patrick: He looked happy with that change and if we improve that change he might as well be happier.
 * SpongeBob: More like he looked angry with that change. And if we improve it he might as well decapitate us.
 * Patrick: C’mon, Squidward would never do that.
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, instead he would probably rip out our kidneys and dislocate our arms.
 * Patrick: Now THAT’S Squidward.
 * SpongeBob: Well, I don’t want to have my kidney removed, so let’s think of something else. Like... ooh! How about we visit Sandy more often? We haven’t in a while.
 * Patrick: You visit her every day!
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, there’s a difference between stalking people and visiting people.
 * Patrick: You stalk her AND visit her every day.
 * SpongeBob: Well, we can improve both if we were to move in with Sandy.
 * Patrick: The last time you tried to do that she karate-chopped you straight out of her house.
 * SpongeBob: Well, maybe she doesn’t have enough money for twice the food.
 * Patrick: Did it ever occur to you that maybe she simply doesn’t want you in?
 * SpongeBob: Hmm… actually, no. And it still doesn’t. Let’s give it another shot.
 * [the scene cuts to Sandy’s Treedome]
 * SpongeBob: So can we?
 * Sandy: No! Where would you even sleep, anyway? I only have one bed.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick brought a sleeping bag.
 * Sandy: But what about you?
 * SpongeBob: You could share your bed with me.
 * Sandy: Get out of here!
 * [Sandy karate-chops them both out of the door.]
 * SpongeBob: Well, that didn’t work. How about we do something generous to people?
 * Patrick: Like… letting old people listen to some modern music? All they listen to is some weird music from the 50s. I mean, c’mon, it doesn’t have any guitar! Just drums, vocals, and whatever else they can stuff in to make it sound worse.
 * SpongeBob: Great idea, Patrick!
 * [Scene: Old fish’s house]
 * Old Fish:  Gaah! What do you want me to do, die? That thing was louder than an elephant!
 * Patrick: It looks like you would die in just a few minutes even without listening to the song.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, maybe we’re best off doing something else. That’s not going to end up in our kidneys being removed. It’s my motto, really. Kidneys lost, point of doing it lost.
 * Patrick: WE NEED YOU, KIDNEYS!
 * Old Fish: What are you talking about?
 * SpongeBob: How about we sell pies instead? Giving savory treats to people is generous, right?
 * Patrick: Yeah!
 * [The scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick, standing behind a pie stand nervously, with people who have splattered pies on their faces are looking at them angrily. SpongeBob and Patrick slowly descend behind the pie stand]
 * Patrick: Run.
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick run away from the angry mob in slow motion, while “We Are Enough” plays in the background, this continues for a while until the camera reveals that SpongeBob and Patrick are just running slowly]
 * Random fish in mob: Just get them.
 * SpongeBob: Please don’t remove our kidneys! IT’S MY MOTTO!
 * Patrick: WE NEED YOU, KIDNEYS!
 * [SpongeBob sighs]
 * SpongeBob: This is what happens when you try to change.
 * Random fish in mob 2: Say goodbye to your kidneys, you pie-throwing idiots!
 * [The episode fades to black, but does not end, instead SpongeBob is seen]
 * SpongeBob: Don’t remove my kidney! It’s my motto.
 * [The episode ends]