The Infestation

The Infestation is the 1st s3 episode of Cult of Squid. It released April 6th, 2019.

transcript
(Ep begins with a shot of Noseward on his throne eating grapes)

Noseward: (speaking with a mouthful of grapes) mm, Crayons! You sure can pick the best grapes!

Doctor Crayons: (offscreen) grapes? What grapes?

(Noseward looks at the bag with horror and pushes it off the throne)

Security: (walks in) Uh, brother Noseward, what- (sees grapes on ground) oo! Grapes! (Grabs handful and shoves in mouth) so, what are your plans currently?

Noseward: no, sadly.

Security: man, these grapes are delicious! You're missing out!

Noseward: those aren't-

Security: what's our next movie gonna be?

Noseward: i dunno, maybe we can capture more fish?

Security: we already caught 99% of them. The other 1% have been hiding.

Noseward: hm, well maybe we could-

(bongos are heard outside)

Noseward: do you hear that?

Security: no, what?

(The banging is heard again and is followed by more bongos)

Security: now i hear it. Where is it coming from?

Noseward: i think it's behind (points towards wall behind throne) that wall.

Security: let's go check it out.

Doctor Crayons: let me join you two. I heard that all day.

(They run outside and Doctor Crayons follows them. Cut to the outside where noseward is screaming from the corner of the lodge)

Security: what is it?

(They follow him and scream. cut to a shot of Hippies playing pots and pans and bongos)

All 3: HIPPIES!!!!!

Hippie 1: don't worry man, we're friendly

Hippie 2: Yeah, I promise that I haven’t bit anybody since 2019.

Doctor Crayons: Wait a second, this year is 2019!

Hippie 1: Yeah, sure it is.

Hippie 2: Wait it’s 2019?

Security: Well if you guys would please just go away, that would be great.

Hippie 2: Go away? Why?

Hippie 3: They want us to go away?

Hippie 1: this place is warm, man.

Noseward: I DON'T GIVE A (DOLPHIN NOISE), GET OUT!

(Noseward dives for the hippies. They climb up the lodge. Cut to a shot of them laying ontop of the lodge)

Hippie 1: this place is way warner than before, man!

Hippie 2: i think we'll, like, stay here.

(Cuts back)

Noseward: GET DOWN FROM THERE! Security, do we have a ladder?

Security: yeah, but they're approximately 1220 ft in elevation, and we don't have a 1220 ft ladder

(poofing affect happens, and the Initiator is there holding a 1220 ft tall ladder)

Initiator: how did i get here?

Security: where did you come from?

(He poofs away leaving the ladder behind)

Security: what just happened?

Noseward: (snatches ladder and runs off) gimme that!

Security: Okay.

(Noseward drops the ladder and it blows up)

Noseward: yep, i give up.

Hippie 1: (offscreen) now it's time to play our mellow tunes on full blast, man!

(Cut to the inside of the lodge. Noseward is on the throne and there are “mellow tunes” being played full blast outside. Noseward gets angrier and angrier.)

Security: (walks in snapping) man, that tune is good! (Noseward starts steaming and turning red) hey, brother noseward, are you ok?

Noseward: NO I AM NOT (dolphin noise) OK! THESE STUPID HIPPIES ARE INFILTRATING ON MY PROPERTY! I DEMAND TO SEE A LAWYER!

Security: we have no lawyers, we executed them all because Brother Squidward didn't like their suits.

Noseward: (sighs, then cheers up) wait! I have an idea! (Runs off and back onscreen holding an ouija board in 1 second) why don't we use this!

Security: (pronounces ouija as ooh-eye-jah) ouija board?

Noseward: it's pronounced “ouija.” Legends say you can talk with spirits with this thing! Just ask it a question and put your hand on this triangular thingie.

(Shows them putting their hands on the triangle thing)

Noseward: can you get rid of the hippies for me? (As it moves) H-E-C-K-N-O.

Security: i think it said heck no.

Noseward: DO AS I SAY, OR I-

(they stare as the triangle thingy moves and the shot prevents being able to tell where it's going. When it stops security looks surprised)

Noseward: What does that mea-

Security: I'll tell you later.

(Cuts to the outside)

Noseward: YOU BETTER LEAVE OR I WILL-

(Security whispers into Noseward’s ear and Noseward sighs)

Noseward: (takes out phone) hey, we need help. Yeah, it's hippies, how did you know? You can hear the music, huh? Alright, just come over. (Puts down phone)

(Zooms out and Cthulu appears through an interdimensional portal)

Cthulu: (roaring) hey, guys!

Narrator: (singing voice) Cthulu the hippie exterminator!

Cthulu: (sees hippies) hm, this seems pretty problematic. Here, I'll drive them out.

(Zooms into the hippies and cthulu's eyes are glowing in the background)

Hippie 1: (eyes turn red) i feel like murdering someone today, man.

Hippie 2: (eyes turn red) me too.

Hippie 3: (eyes turn red) let's murder each other!

Hippie 1: radical! (They all stab eachother and fall off the pyramid)

(Cuts back to noseward and cthulu)

Noseward: it was that easy?

Cthulu: yep. Now, my pay. (Pulls out calculator and reading glasses) 3 hippies in 1 session murdered in less than 30 seconds will come out to a total of… $9.7 mil.

Noseward: FOR 3 HIPPIES?!

Cthulu: oh, my mistake. That total is… $99 mil.

Security: we only have $98.99 mil.

Cthulu: pay up or I'll do horrible things.

Security: try your wor- (head explodes) ok, we'll pay!

Cthulu: Well now, I’ll go clear out the hippies.

(The hippies stand up again completely unharmed)

Hippie 1: that was totally radical.

Hippie 2: totally.

Cthulu: oh, uh… No refunds. (Goes back through portal quickly)

Security: What happened in there?

Hippie 1: Something radical.

Hippie 2: Yeah, like totally radical. We’re gonna stay longer.

(A few hours later in a new room of the lodge)

Security: Brother Noseward, are you sure bringing in a mad scientist was a good idea?

Noseward: Don’t question me Security!

Unknown: Yes, it was a good idea y’all, because I have a cure for hippies.

Noseward: Well, what is it? And who are you?

(The unknown person steps into the light and is revealed to be Sandy, and she’s wearing a brown suit with a large nut in the center)

Sandy: Name’s Sandy, and I’m the leader of the Science Nuts.

Security: (starts laughing) hahaha she said nuts.

Sandy: uh, yeah. Anyway, I work for a super-secret group. Only we know our location. So what did y'all call me here for?

Noseward: Hippie problems.

Sandy: you made me leave my secret meeting for tha- (clears throat) alright, let's see what i can do. (Takes out a suitcase and pulls out a bazooka) this is my hippie-seeking missile. (Fires a shot and it hits Noseward) uh, (puts it back)

Noseward: That tickled. Anyways, LET’S GO BLOW ALL THOSE HIPPIES TO H-

(Noseward stops himself after realizing this is a B+ rated show)

Noseward: A bad place!

Sandy: Well I’m the only one who can handle it.

Security: Wait why?!

Sandy: Because. And why do you want to handle it?

Security: Because it looks cool.

Sandy: That’s like asking an exterminator if you can Your their stuff.

Security: THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

Noseward: Guys shut up let’s go blow some hippies.

(Security and Sandy stare at Noseward uncomfortably)

Noseward: No, wait, I didn’t mean it like that!

(Security and Sandy still stare at Noseward uncomfortably)

Noseward: GOD SHUT UP!

(Security and Noseward follow Sandy into a room where the hippies are, and quietly approach them)

Sandy: i know exactly how to lure them. (Starts playing bongos)

(The hippies look and get closer to Sandy)

Hippie 1: great bongo, man!

(Sandy grabs a bottle and puts the hippies inside)

Hippie 2: let me out, man!

Hippie 3: this is actually pretty mellow, man.

Hippie 1: let's put out troubles away.

Sandy: alright, that'll be $30.

Noseward: oh for (dolphin noise) sake. (Gives money)

Sandy: Thank you for your time and money.

(Sandy pushes a button on her suit and vanishes)

Noseward: hmm, that was easier than expected.

(A ghostly laugh is heard)

Noseward: did you hear that?

Security: yep.