Breath of Fresh Squidward Remade

Breath of Fresh Squidward Remade is the eleventh episode for SpongeBob SquarePants Remade.

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Plot
Squidward tries to win a girl over with breath spray.

Transcript
[Opens at the Barg-N-Mart. Squidward is seen shopping.]

Squidward: Hmm, clarinet reed? I need one since those two broke my old one. [Picks up reed.] There. I’ve got all I need. [Walks to the cash register to pay but just then turns around and sees a hot female squid.] Whoa, that ass. [The squid then walks to an aisle.] Hey, I can’t see her anymore! [Runs to follow her.]

Lou: Your total comes to… Where’d he go? [Squidward continues to follow her.]

Squidward: Whoa. Come on, Squidward. Just talk to her. It’s not that hard. [Walks up to her but she then turns around.]

Squid Girl: Hi, there.

Squidward: Uh, uh… [Squidward’s face turns red.]

Squid Girl: Are you okay?

Squidward: Yeah, it’s just that I… I…

Squid Girl: Yeah?

Squidward: I love you. [Faints. The screen goes black then the Squid Girl is seen.]

Squid Girl: Hey, hey! Are you okay?

Squidward: Huh, what happened?

Squid Girl: You said you love me then passed out.

Squidward: Uh… Uh… Okay, yes! I love you! When I first saw you, I knew we would have a future together! You are the greatest thing I have laid my eyes on so what do you say?

Squid Girl: You’re sweet, but I am already taken. Sorry. [Squidward starts to tear up.]

Squidward: It’s okay. I understand. [Squilliam comes.]

Squilliam: Hey, baby.

Squid Girl: Squilliam! Hey, baby!

Squidward: Wait a minute. You’re dating Squilliam? Squilliam?!

Squilliam: Well, if it isn’t Squidward. I see you asked out my girl and she rejected you for me?

Squidward: Uh…

Squilliam: Well, I hope this makes you feel better. Pucker up Squonica!

Squonica: Okay. [Squilliam grabs her and kisses her.]

Squilliam: Let’s save some action for the bedroom. [Walks her to the register.]

Squidward: There goes another one of my dreams taken away by Squilliam. If only there was a way to get that beautiful girl back. [Squidward continues to walk until he smacks into a sign.] Ow! Stupid sign! Hello, what’s this? New Irresistible Smelling Breath Spray. Guaranteed sex with the girl you love in a week or your money back? Hmm. [Takes a breath spray and runs out the store.]

Lou: Wait a minute. That guy didn’t pay! Security! [Some security guards run after Squidward. Squidward is seen looking for Squilliam and Squonica. He then sees Squilliam and Squonica getting in a boat.]

Squidward: There they are! [Squilliam then drives the boat and Squidward looks sees another boat driving the same way as them. He jumps and grabs onto that boat and the security guards are following the boat and Squidward doesn’t seem to notice. Squilliam’s boat then goes to the highway followed by the boat Squidward is holding on to followed by the security guards boat. Squilliam’s boat then turns at a boat followed by the boat Squidward is holding and the security guards boat keeps going straight. Squilliam’s boat then stops at a house and Squidward jumps out of the boat he was grabbing onto.] Ow, my head. [Sees Squilliam and Squonica get out of the boat.] There she is. Quick, the spray. [Takes the breath spray and sprays his mouth then runs to Squilliam and Squonica.] Hey, Squonica. Remember me?

Squonica: Yeah, you’re the guy from the Barg-N-Mart right?

Squilliam: Ha ha ha. You really think you can get my girl.

Squidward: Yes I can. Squonica, what do you think of my breath? [Squonica smells Squidward’s breath.]

Squonica: It’s… It’s…

Squidward: Yeah?

Squonica: It’s… Amazing! Squidward, would you like to be my date tomorrow?

Squilliam: Huh?

Squidward: Sure!

Squilliam: But, what about me?

Squonica: Squilliam, we’re done. You only used me to make other guys jealous. Squidward is truly for me.

Squidward: How about my place? Tomorrow night at 7? Here’s my address and phone number. [Gives Squonica a paper.]

Squonica: See you then! [Scene cuts to Squidwards house.]

Squidward: Ah, not a spot on the house. Perfect! [Doorbell rings.] She’s here! [Sprays breath spray and opens door.] Hello.

Squonica: Hi, Squidward.

Squidward: I made a casserole. Sit down. Relax.

Squonica: Thanks, Squidward.

Squidward: So what are you into?

Squonica: Well I like music.

Squidward: Me too! In fact, I play.

Squonica: You do? What instrument? I like all types of music…

Squidward: Well… [Is about to take out clarinet.]

Squonica: Except clarinet music.

Squidward: What?

Squonica: I mean, seriously. Who plays the clarinet? Not any guy with true style. In fact, I dumped my last boyfriend before I dated Squilliam because he plays the clarinet.

Squidward: Dumped?!

Squonica: Yeah, I mean what kind of a loser plays the clarinet? Not one I’d date.

Squidward: Yeah, I totally agree. [Hides clarinet in back pocket.]

Squonica: So what instrument do you play?

Squidward: Well, uh I don’t actually play an instrument. I was just… [Bell rings.] Oh, casserole is done! [Gets the casserole out of the oven and serves it.] Let’s eat. [Squidward and Squonica eat.]

Squonica: Mmm, this is delicious. You’re a good cook and nice guy! You seem perfect. You know, before I leave, how about we have a little fun if you know what I mean.

Squidward: Oh, I know what you mean. And I know the perfect place we can have fun. [Grabs Squonica’s hand and takes her into the closet with her. Squidward and Squonica are about to make out. Squonica undos a button on her dress, revealing her bra.] Whoa.

Squonica: Do you want more?

Squidward: Yes! [Squonica is about to take off her dress, but Squidward’s clarinet falls from his pocket. She then redos her dress.]

Squonica: Um, is that a clarinet?

Squidward: No! You know I hate clarinets.

Squonica: Have you been lying to me?

Squidward: Um… Yes. But, come on! Remember my breath!

Squonica: Well, I won’t break up with you.

Squidward: You won’t?

Squonica: On one condition. You get rid of your clarinet. So what’s it going to be? Me or your clarinet?

Squidward: Uh… [Looks at his clarinet then looks at Squonica.]

Squonica: I’ll give you time. Meet me at the mall tomorrow. Before sunset. If you’re there, I’ll know you love me, if not, we’re done. [Leaves Squidward’s house. Scene cuts to Squidward’s house in the morning.]

Squidward: What should I do? What should I do? Squonica is the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen and the only girlfriend of mine that hasn’t been stolen by Squilliam, but I’ve had my clarinet forever. I can’t give it up now. Plus Squonica only liked me for my breath spray. That’s it! I’ve made my decision! [Scene cuts to the mall. It’s almost sunset]

Squonica: Sunset is almost here. I guess he doesn’t love me. [Squidward runs in the mall.]

Squidward: Wait!

Squonica: You’re here! I guess you do love me.

Squidward: Well, you asked me to make a choice, didn’t I?

Squonica: Yeah…

Squidward: And I chose… [Takes out clarinet] My clarinet.

Squonica: What?

Squidward: You see, my clarinet has been a part of me since I remember. I can’t give it all up now. Besides, you only loved me for my breath spray. So if you want to date me, you have to accept the fact that I okay a clarinet so what do you say?

Squonica: Well, I still love you…

Squidward: So you’ll accept…

Squonica: But I really hate clarinets so there’s only one solution. The clarinet must be destroyed. [Grabs clarinet from Squidward’s hand.]

Squidward: Uh, Squonica? [Squonica’s eyes turn red and she’s about to break the clarinet but just then Squilliam comes.]

Squilliam: Ha ha ha. I see you’re having a wonderful time at your date? Also when you were running here, you dropped this. [Takes out Squidward’s breath spray.]

Squidward: You bastard! Give me that!

Squilliam: I’d love to but I used the whole bottle. [Squonica is about to break Squidward’s clarinet then stops.]

Squonica: Squilliam, your breath. It’s amazing. Squilliam, would you like to go out again?

Squilliam: I’d love to.

Squidward: Another one of my girlfriends stolen by Squilliam. I guess I’ll be on my way.

Squonica: So would you like to hang out here for a while then come to my house for a little fun?

Squilliam; I’d love to! [Officer John and Officer Mally come.]

John: Well too bad! Your sex life will have to wait!

Squilliam: What?

Squidward: What?

Squonica: What?

Mally: That’s right. We know about you stealing that breath spray from the Barg-N-Mart yesterday.

Squilliam: Wait, it was him! [Points to Squidward.]

John: Well, why are you holding it?

Squilliam: Uh… You can smell our breaths to see which one of us has it on.

John: Alright. [Goes up to Squidward and smells his breath.] Hm, nothing impressive. If anything, it smells like he didn’t brush his teeth this morning.

Squidward: What? [John goes up to Squilliam to smell his breath.]

John: It’s… It’s… It’s…

Squilliam: Yeah?

John: It’s so damn good, just smelling it makes me horny. Looks like it was you that stole the breath spray. Cuff him. [Mally cuffs Squilliam.]

Squilliam: Huh? But it wasn’t…

John: Tell it to the judge. [Takes Squilliam out of the mall and in their car.]

Squidward: Wait a minute. That means that for once, I have had a girlfriend that wasn’t stolen by Squilliam. Yes!

Squonica: So, Squidward. About what happened, how about we burn that clarinet together then have a little fun in bed?

Squidward: You know what, Squonica? My decision still resides with my clarinet and I don’t want a girl that just likes me for my breath. I want a girl that accepts me for who I am, but until I find one, I’ll stick with the girl that was meant for me, Clarry. And I’m never leaving her. [Scene cuts to Squidward’s house at night.] Well, what a weird few days that was. Well, weirder than usual. Well, it’s finally just me and you, Clarry. You’re the only person I need in bed with me. [Plays clarinet softly.]