Delegate-lemma

Delegate-lemma is the thirty-sixth episode of Livin' With The Squid.

Characters

 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Donald SquarePants
 * Bernie SquarePants
 * Eugene H. Krabs (cameo)
 * Squidward Tentacles (cameo)
 * Human Teenager (cameo; flashback)
 * Gun Seller (cameo; flashback)
 * Tyce (cameo; flashback)
 * Squilvia (cameo)
 * Steve Pavot (cameo)
 * Pufferfish (cameo)
 * Delegates (cameo)
 * Patrick Star (mentioned)

Plot
A bunch of delegates torn on who to select for next President of the Pacific Ocean decide to ask Eugene, due to being such big fans of the Krusty Krab. Eugene, not knowing or caring much about politics decides to leave the task up to SpongeBob. However, when SpongeBob discovers that both his brothers are running for President, he becomes torn on who to select.

Story
“That was a real kinky sex session, Steve. You’re free to come back anytime! You’re also free to cum into me..” Squidward waved goodbye. “It was pretty hot, wasn’t it? I’ll be sure to stop by again soon - but for right now, I have a duty to fulfill. A duty to cause dozens of suicidal people to kill themselves due to my taunting,” Steve said. “Wow, that sounds great! You know, Steve, it really is nice to meet someone who pushes such a positive message through their work. Keep up the great work!” Squidward complimented. “Why, thank you! I plan to! I plan to! Welp, goodbye!” Steve said, turning away from the other and beginning to walk off.

He then bumped into none other than SpongeBob SquarePants. “Gah! Weirdo yellow dude that got totally pissed off at me last time?” Steve gasped. “HEY, HEY, HEY! I’ll have you know that ‘weirdo’ is an abliest term! It’s offensive to weird people all across the nation!” SpongeBob ranted. “Is that so? Well...I don’t care,” Steve said, pushing SpongeBob aside and walking off. “Damn cisgender scum…” the sea sponge muttered, glaring at the fish and walking into Squidward’s house.

Entering the cephalod’s house, SpongeBob could feel his foot stepping into something squishy and wet. A confused expression on his face, he glanced down, only to find his foot laying atop a human teenager’s dead body. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” the sea sponge gasped, quickly jumping away from it. “Why the hell do you have a dead body inside your house?!” SpongeBob questioned. “Oh, he shot himself,” Squidward explained. “See, there’s his gun right there,” Squidward said, pointing over to the shotgun that had been resting on the floor. “How in the world did a teenager get access to a shotgun in the first place?” SpongeBob asked.

Above The Surface, At A Gun Show

The unnamed teenager wandered throughout the gun show, walking over to a table and picking up a shotgun. “Why hello there!” some weirdo piece of shit conservative guy grinned. “Wanna buy it?” he grinned. “Don’t you have to perform a background check though? I mean, I’ve gotta get home soon, I don’t think I have the time to wait-” the teenager began, but was interupted by the other. “Nonsense, kid! Everyone knows that you don’t have to get a background check at a gun show!” the man grinned. “Really? No background check? Doesn’t that kind of open up a gateway for well-documented criminals and others to easily maintain access to guns and potentially cause various unfortunate murders?” the teenager asked.

“It most certainly does! But let’s be real here, kid. I’m a Republican. I only care about murder if it’s happening to an undeveloped clump of the cells in the womb - or if I can somehow blame it on a Muslim,” the man explained. “Okay, well I still don’t think you’d exactly want to sell this gun to me,” the teenager. “Pft, why not?” the man asked. “Well, I mean, once you see the age on my ID…” the teenager began to explain but was once again interupted. “Pft, kid! Come on! You don’t have to show any identification at a gun show!” the man stated. “Really? No identification at all? Doesn’t that mean that minors without proper education on gun safety could easily purchase a fiream?” the kid asked. “Yep! But you know, the only thing about education we Republicans are concerned about is making sure the Bible is taught in schools!” the main explained.

“Isn’t that a violation of the First Amendment?” the teenager. “Why of course it is! To say otherwise would be outright denial of the facts! But another fact that can’t be denied is that the only amendment we Republicans care about is the Second Amendment. Yep, that’s the only one that matters. The only one. ONLY ONE!” the man shouted.

Squidward once used to live in Bikini Bottom

With neighbors SpongeBob and Patrick

But then he had enough

He couldn't take them anymore

So he moved to Coral City

But now he's in trouble

And he has to move back!

SpongeBob walked into the Krusty Krab, placing his work cap on and heading towards the door for the kitchen. However, before he just do this, he was suddenly stopped by Eugene. “SPONGEBOB ME BOY! Me extremely good lookin’ boy! I need your help!” Eugen said. “You need my help? Help on what? Mr. Krabs, I’m not giving you another handjob. If Patrick finds out, he’ll kill me,” SpongeBob denied. “Not that, SpongeBob! You know that was a one time thing only! What I’m talking about - Well, I’ve gotta a whole bunch of piece of shit delegates over here! They don’t know what presidential candidate to pick, they want me to pick for them!” Eugene explained.

“So? Just tell them to choose the person you like the most,” SpongeBob said. “That’s the thing, boy-o! I don’t have a preferred candidate! I mean, I don’t pay attention to all this damn politics bullshit! It’s boring as hell, I tell ya! Boring as hell! Almost as boring as Weston!” Eugene ranted. “Okay, okay. I think I’ve got the point. But what do you want me to do about it?” SpongeBob asked. “You can pick for me! I don’t care who you choose - anything to get these damn delegates off my back. Oh, and I need you to have made up your mind by tomorrow evening at nine. Good luck, boy-o!” Eugene grinned, waving goodbye and returning back to his office.

After Work

“Hm...I wonder who I should pick, better start doing some research on the candidates once I get home,” SpongeBob said to himself, walking out of the Krusty Krab. However, suddenly another sea sponge popped out, one with really bad blonde hair and a blue suit. “SpongeBob!” the other sponge grinned. “Gah! D-Donald…? My incredibly rich brother with a really bad hair cut? What are you doing here?” SpongeBob asked. “Well, it’s actually quite simple, SpongeBob. Incredibly simple. So incredibly simple you won’t even believe it,” he stated. “Okay. Just tell me,” SpongeBob said.

“Why, of course! Well, I heard, now I’m not sure if you’ve heard, have you heard?” Donald asked. “Have I heard what?” SpongeBob asked, crossing his arms. “Well, your boss. Have you heard - your boss, who by the way, is a really great boss, one of the most fantastic bosses I’ve ever seen. Really fantastic. He uh, he has a whole bunch of delegates asking him who they pick for president, he uh, he asked you to make the choice,” Donald explained. “Yes, that’s true. What about it?” SpongeBob asked. “Well, oh boy, SpongeBob. Oh boy, oh boy. Oh Ben Benny Benny Boy! Have I got the perfect candidate for you. Trust me, I’ve known him my entire life. He’s a really great guy, a really honest guy, like he’s so honest, trust me, this guy, he’s gonna be the most honest person you’ve ever met in your life. That’s how honest he is. And he always gets straight to the point, like seriously, he always goes there. Straight to the point. He doesn’t waste time rambling on about irrevelant subject matter. Never. Not once. By the way, did you hear that Tyce got globally banned from the wiki? Pft, good riddance. That piece of shit had it coming,” Donald rambled.

“Anything else?” SpongeBob asked, beginning to become a bit agitated. “He’ll make the Pacific Ocean great again!” Donald grinned. “Alright, alright. So tell me, what’s this oh so great candiate’s name?” SpongeBob questioned. “Oh, now this is the best part. The candidate I was talking about...it’s me!” Donald grinned. “Me, huh? That’s strange. I’ve never heard of this ‘Me’ person before. Are they third party?” SpongeBob asked. “What?! No, you damn fool! I’m talking about myself! You know, Donald SquarePants!” Donald growled.

“OOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!! I get it now!” SpongeBob grinned, beginning to laugh. “Would you shut the hell up already?!” Donald shouted. “My apologies, Donny! Welp, I’ll certainly consider what you said tomorrow night when I go ahead and speak to the delegates! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta get home. I’ve got a lot of research to do,” SpongeBob said, waving at his brother and beginning to walk away. “WAIT! Research on what?!” Donald questioned. “The presidential candidates. I’ve gotta make sure I pick the right choice after all!” SpongeBob explained.

“Gotta make sure you pick the right choice?! Why, SpongeBob, the right choice is right in front of you!” Donald exclaimed. “Well, don’t you think I should at least look into the other candidates? I mean, I can’t make my choice when I’ve only looked at one person,” SpongeBob stated. “SpongeBob, SpongeBob, SpongeBob. Don’t be ridiculous. We’re family,” Donald stated. “Well, I know that...But I can’t just pick you just because you’re family. It’s unfair,” SpongeBob said, crossing his arms. “Unfair? Pft, no it’s not. SpongeBob, my dear friend, picking me is the least unfair thing ever. Like seriously, you would not believe how not unfair it is,” Donald stated. “Besides, you owe me. Remember when you outed me back in high school?” the candidate pointed out.

Flashback To Bikini Bottom High

SpongeBob had been walking through the hallway with his brother, the two of them chatting together. “Hey, um...SpongeBob. Do you mind if I tell you something? I’ve been surpressing it for quite a while...I’m too scared to tell Mom and Dad. You’re a good brother...can I trust you to keep this a secret?” Donald asked. “Oh, of course, Donald! I absolutely adore secrets! Almost as much as I adore masturbating to erotic My Small Sea Pony fanfiction!” SpongeBob grinned. “Wait, what?” Donald asked. “NOTHING!” SpongeBob shouted, grinning nervously. “What was it you wanted to tell me?” he asked in a desperate attempt to change the subject. “Well...I suppose it’s finally time to come out of the closet,” Donald announced, letting out a deep sigh.

“So before this you used to cum in the closet? No offense, but that sounds pretty weird, mate,” SpongeBob commented. “Not that type of “come”, you blasted buffoon! What I mean is that - Well...I’m uh…” Donald stuttered, leaning over to his brother and whispering in his ear. SpongeBob’s eyes widened at what he heard. “Donald! Oh my gosh! I-I can’t believe it...All these years, I would’ve never suspected that you were RACIST!” SpongeBob gasped - quite loudly at that. This caught the attention of the other students as well, who quickly began talking about it.

“GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, DONNY! Racist people are NOT welcomed in this family-friendly environment!” one of the students shouted. “Shut up, you damn racistphobe! We embrace people for their differences, not tear them apart for it!” one of other the students exclaimed. “What unsavory behavior! I’m reporting you all to the principal!” Tyce threatened.

Present

“...Oh yeah. Well, Donald, I suppose you’re right. What I was did back then was terrible,” SpongeBob admitted. “Absolutely disgraceful,” Donald added. “...Yes, you’re right. To make up for it, tomorrow I’ll tell the delegates to vote for you,” SpongeBob said. “Thanks, SpongeBob! I always knew I could count on you!” Donald grinned, hugging his brother and walking off. “Welp, I’m glad that’s settled,” SpongeBob smiled, beginning to walk off. However, he was soon stopped by another sponge - one with white hair and small black glasses. “SpongeBob!” the other shouted. “Gah! B-Bernie...my other brother who’s been a longtime advocate for social and economic justice his entire life? What are you doing here?” SpongeBob asked.

“Well, my ears may have decieved me - but I heard that your boss has equipped you with the very important task of telling his delegates who to support for next President of the Pacific Ocean,” Bernie stated. “How does everybody know that?” SpongeBob asked. “Well, well, it’s actually quite simple. The Patriot Act - it’s what allows the government on spy on citiziens for absolutely no reason whatsoever. And as you know, I work in the government so…” Bernie explained. “Well, how did Donald find out though? He doesn’t work in the government,” SpongeBob asked, a confused tone in his voice.

“My brother - our brother - is a billionaire and as such, has massive power over our political system. He can get any information he wants as long as he pays enough. Why, at this point the sponge can practically buy elections,” Bernie explained further. “That seems kinda corrupt,” SpongeBob commented. “It is! That’s why I’m running for president - We need to help bring our fellow, less unfortunate sea creatures out of the economic misery they and this ocean by large are suffering from. The Pacific Ocean is the largest ocean in the world and yet somehow we aren’t able to provide healthcare as a right like the other four. The establishment wants us to think small - they say our ideas are “pie in the sky”. Well, apparently it’s not too “pie in the sky” to provide enormous tax breaks for billionaires - like our brother. Apparently it’s not too “pie in the sky” to continue profiting on the destruction of the ocean by continuing pollution policies. Well I say fuck the establishment. Now is not the time to be thinking small, now this the time to being big,” Bernie ranted.

“You know, I’ve gotta admit, bro, that was a pretty inspiring speech,” SpongeBob complimented. “Thank you! Now, if you don’t mind, could you please tell all your bosses’ delegates to pick me? With both yours’ and their help, we’ll be able to get this political revolution started!” Bernie requested. “Oh, I’d love to, Bern, but I already promised Donald that I’d tell the delegates to pick him,” SpongeBob denied. “Woah, woah, WOAH. Hold on there one just second, SpongeBob. You can’t do that. You see, just like the billionaires owe it to the middle class, you owe this to me. Remember back in high school when you outed me?” Bernie asked.

Flashback to Bikini Bottom High

SpongeBob had been walking through the hallway with his brother, the two of them chatting together. “Hey, um...SpongeBob. Do you mind if I tell you something? I’ve been surpressing it for quite a while...I’m too scared to tell Mom and Dad. You’re a good brother...can I trust you to keep this a secret?” Bernie asked. “Oh, of course, Bernie! I absolutely adore secrets! Almost as much as I adore secretly watching Patrick masturbate!” SpongeBob grinned. “Wait, what?” Bernie asked. “NOTHING!” SpongeBob shouted, grinning nervously. “What was it you wanted to tell me?” he asked in a desperate attempt to change the subject. “Well...I suppose it’s finally time to come out of the closet,” Bernie announced, letting out a deep sigh.

“You cum in the closet too? Is this some sort of new kink goin’ around? Patrick just eats his cum. I wish he’d give me a taste as well…” SpongeBob commented, his mouth beginning to water. “I did not mean that particular version of the word, brother. What I meant was that I’m - Well, I’m...you know…” Bernie stuttered, leaning over to his brother and whispering in his ear. Well...I’m uh…” Donald stuttered, leaning over to his brother and whispering in his ear. SpongeBob’s eyes widened at what he heard. “Bernie! Oh my gosh! I-I can’t believe it...All these years, I would’ve never suspected that you were COMMUNIST!” SpongeBob gasped - quite loudly at that. This caught the attention of the other students as well, who quickly began talking about it.

“GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, BERNIE! Communists are NOT welcomed in this capitalist school system!” one of the students shouted. “I agree with Bernie! Let’s seize the means of production!” one of other the students exclaimed. “Yep, I’m reporting all these people,” Tyce said to the camera. “You know why? Because I get off on it,” he explained, quickly sticking his hand down his pants and beginning to rub.

Present

“Wow, I’m outed both of my brothers back in high school. I’m an asshole,” SpongeBob said. “Well, you also outed Squilvia,” Bernie pointed out.

Bikini Bottom High

“WHAT?! Squilvia! You mean to tell me...All this time...you’ve been...A RAPIST?!” SpongeBob gasped. “That’s right,” Squilvia said. “No...no...t-this can’t true…” SpongeBob said. “Well, it is. In fact, I’ll prove it right now!” Squilvia grinned, ripping her clothes and jumping on top of SpongeBob. “Keep it going, you two! Keep it going!” Avron grinned, holding up a camera and filming the two.

Present

“You know, I greatly would’ve preferred it if Patrick raped me instead,” SpongeBob commented. “Well, the establishment is raping the American people! We’ve gotta fix the system!” Bernie exclaimed. “Did someone say something about raping?” Squilvia asked, popping up out of nowhere. “Gah! Squilvia!” SpongeBob gasped, quickly jumping back in fear. “Stay away from my sensitive spot!” he pleaded. “Did someone say sensitive? Good lord, our current generation is WAY too sensitive, that I can tell you. I mean, these people actually think jokes are comparable to personal attacks. Talk about crazy, huh?” Donald stated. “Donald, stop referencing the fanon wiki! How about you focus on the real issues?” Bernie said.

“Pft, like what?” Donald asked. “Well, income inequality, for instance,” Bernie answered. “Oh, yeah, I agree 100%. Income inequality is a YYYYYYYUUUUGGGGGEEEEEE issue. The gap’s not big enough,” Donald said. “...What the hell kind of bullshit is that, mate?” Bernie asked. “Alright, well I think I’ve had enough of Travis’ terrible writing for the day. I’m gonna be heading home now,” SpongeBob stated, beginning to walk off. “WAIT! I haven’t told you about my $15 minimum wage and marijauna legalization yet!” Bernie shouted, chasing after SpongeBob. “And I haven’t told you about how my YYYYYYYYUUUUUUGGGGGGGEEEEE my dick is yet!” Donald shouted, beginning to run after the two.

The Next Day

SpongeBob walked out of the Krusty Krab, whistling to himself. Suddenly Donald and Bernie rushed up to him. “QUICK! WHO DID YOU ENDORSE?!” they questioned, grins plastered upon both of their faces. “It was me, wasn’t it?” Donald asked. “No, don’t be ridiculous! It was clearly me!” Bernie exclaimed. Suddenly, the delegates burst out of the Krusty Krab, carrying a blonde pufferfish above them. “HILLARY! HILLARY!” they chanted. “...My dick just became so flaccid it’s totally unbelievable,” Donald commented.

Trivia

 * This is the first episode Patrick doesn't appear in.
 * However, he is mentioned by SpongeBob in a flashback scene.
 * Squidward is shown to be dating Steve Pavot in this episode.
 * Therefore, as of this this episode, all the main characters are currently in a relationship.
 * It is revealed that SpongeBob has two brothers named Donald and Bernie.