Purple Bastards

"Purple Bastards" is a Season 1 episode of Life in Bikini Bottom. It is rated TV-14-DLV and C.

Characters

 * SpongeCock SquarePants
 * Bobby DeBastardo (debut)
 * Professor Sedgewick
 * Assy Cheeks
 * Bikini Bottomites at the Krusty Kock
 * Eugene F. Kraps
 * Gory the Snail
 * Fatrick Star
 * Shitward Testicles
 * Scott Kraps

Synopsis
An alien named Bobby comes to Bikini Bottom and stays with SpongeCock, who has been smoking weed lately. Although they appear to be friends, Bobby is actually on a secret mission in Bikini Bottom for an unknown alliance.

Plot
The episode starts off with typical SpongeCock masturbating at the back of the Krusty Kock and trying to show off to Assy Cheeks who calls his dick a fricking shrimp. SpongeCock, obviously hurt, goes back to work on selling the cheap ol' weed, making little profit off of Bikini Bottomites. Suddenly, a weird noise can be heard, and man does it cause chaos at the Krusty Kock! Shitward walks out of the Krusty Kock saying that he will help sell weed elsewhere. The Bikini Bottomites sprint out the door, including Scott Kraps, who apparently just shit his pants on the way to the door. SpongeCock and Mr. Kraps start sprinting to the door as well when they notice a small UFO perched on top of the Cum Bucket's roof.

Our whole universe was in a G and PG state

Then nearly fourteen billion years ago was inappropriate, wait

Fatrick shit a stool, Shitward began to drool

They invented crap that rules

We built a great, great wall (we started cursing)

Shit, titties bursting, unraveling the coercing

''This is Life in Bikini Bottom! PG-13!''

Under first glance, it looked like Sheldon D. Bastard's new crappy invention, but as a little ramp emerged from the UFO to the sandy ground below the Cum Bucket, they knew this invention was some next level shit. All of the sudden, a short, dark purple alien slithered down the ramp. Under closer inspection, the ugly alien had one eye, similar to a cyclops, and had six fingers and six toes. He had a metal belt around him that had 5 buttons as well. The mysterious alien then said some gibberish that no one understood before turning his eye to SpongeCock and Mr. Kraps. Once the alien reached them, he said that his name was Bobby DeBastardo and that he landed in Bikini Bottom in search of a home. At first, SpongeCock was not sure, but Mr. Kraps stated that if SpongeCock kept Bobby in his dirty pineapple rather than Mr. Kraps house, Mr. Kraps would increase SpongeCock's paycheck. SpongeCock, though he was unwilling to, allowed Bobby to stay at his dirty pineapple.

It then turns to SpongeCock's dirty pineapple, looking filthy with cum and shit all over it. Inside SpongeCock's pineapple, Bobby can be seen by himself in a corner with SpongeCock getting ready to go to sleep. Bobby, somehow speaking English now, says that he is just masturbating. SpongeCock says that when he is done, Bobby can sleep on the couch in the living room. Bobby agrees and hops on the couch, pretending to sleep. SpongeCock then turns off the lights and calls Gory the Snail to his room. Once Bobby is all alone, at last, he pulls out a ZX Spapptron, a powerful blaster that charges fiery, electric bullets. He pulls out an ear piece and says, "Target identified, but not found. I don’t know, sir, but I saw some ugly green shit that looked like him. Keep a vigilant eye? Yes, sir!"

Bobby then launches a small robotic spider, about an inch in size. The spider goes up the stairs and launches this odd type of smoke that spreads everywhere in the room. The spider then attempts to walk down the stairs until Gory eats the spider without being harmed. When Gory notices the odd smoke and starts coughing rapidly, he wakes up SpongeCock by shitting on his face. Once SpongeCock complains that it is still night out, Gory starts coughing like madness. SpongeCock's eyes shoot wide open and he realizes that this odd type of smoke has spread all throughout the house! SpongeCock and Gory sprint downstairs. Bobby, laughing, says “that frigtard doesn’t see what’s coming.” SpongeCock overhears this, but Bobby says it’s a misunderstanding. He then takes out a piece of paper that shows a piece of paper. An alien is on it, but it’s green and is ugly. Bobby explains that his name is Ferrell Frigoff. He is a big enemy of Bobby and he explains that he was coming to Bikini Bottom - to cause chaos. SpongeCock is worried, and he apologizes for accusing him of calling him a frigtard. When he asks why he would do this, Bobby replies. “We were enemies for a while. He hated me because I succeeded in life while he failed. You see, we both live on the planet of Uranus. In Uranus, there are a lot of wars, and we fought. He heard about Bikini Bottom and how I wanted to visit. Now, he’s destroying it - and possibly me. I called up my professor to assist me. His name is Alan Sedgewick.” SpongeCock hears the name for a second and he gets a thought in his head - a professor named Sedgewick helped him create vodka the other day. He also remembers seeing a business card - he remembers it saying “Professor A. Sedgewick.” SpongeCock realizes that it’s Professor Sedgewick!

SpongeCock then tells Bobby that he on his side. However, he has to go to work first and sell drugs. After 8 hours of smoking more weed than selling, he comes back and instantly goes to Sedgwick’s lab. “SpongeCock, me boy,” he says. “What are you here for?” SpongeCock says that he is there to help him and Bobby defeat that no good bitch (or frigtard) Ferrell. Bobby is expected to come there, too, but he can’t for some reason. He then comes in, sliding on his own blood, obviously injured. He complains that Ferrell took his ZX Spapptron and blasted him a few times. He is then knocked out when Sedgewick gets a few bottles of poisonous liquor out. He launches them, but Ferrell calls for backup. “Ugh,” SpongeCock says, “what is he going to do? Throw dicks at us?” However, he then sees that the roof of Sedgewick’s Lab is gone and they see a bomb dropping down. SpongeCock takes a gun and shoots the bomb in mid-air. Sedgwick takes a grapple gun and launches him and SpongeCock into the chopper that one of Ferrell’s minions was driving. Ferrell, however, sets the chopper on fire and it blows up. Sedgwick throws a potion that weakens a minion, and the minion dies. SpongeCock launches a rocket into the minion’s mouth, causing a huge area of land to explode. SpongeCock, however, sees that a nanometer of his dick has exploded. He then questions if that was even possible, but at the time, Sedgwick is doing all the work. All of the minions die, but Ferrell is still alive. He then rises up and mutates into a bigger version of him. What caused the mutation? He shot a ZX Spapptron in his dick, which causes you to become larger. However, SpongeCock and Sedgewick can’t seem to find the blaster, so it’s just them in their natural bodies. They quickly shoot a potion blaster, used to shoot poison and potions in a gun. They spam it as well as a few other guns and rocket launcher. However, nothing works. They then find a small disc on his dick. It seems to have a few buttons, which are on - one of them mutates him! They decide to press all the buttons, which causes him to go back to his normal self. “Oh, so you lowered my health and power. Well, here comes the pain!” Ferrell says. However, Bobby falls down from the sky and kills him with a spare ZX Spapptron. Ferrell then dies and peace is brought to Bikini Bottom.

The next day, Bobby then has to return to Uranus. He says good-bye to Sedgewick and SpongeCock, but he then realizes that he left a bunch of condoms in the house. But he doesn’t care and leaves. SpongeCock then says “Well, Alan, I didn’t know you were friends with an alien. I’m gonna go bury Ferrell’s body.” However, when he went outside, he didn’t see a body! He then saw a green ugly alien in a corner of a house - not knowing who it is.

Trivia

 * This is the second time Professor Sedgewick returns, the first being in "Prima Vodka."
 * It is revealed that Professor Sedgewick's first name is Alan.
 * This episode was originally planned to be rated R, but due to a plot change, it changed to PG-13.
 * The titlecard was changed from it's original state to a higher quality version.
 * According to wordcounter.net, the plot is:
 * 1,334 words.
 * 7,340 characters.
 * 91 sentences.
 * 13 paragraphs.
 * 11th-12th grade reading level.
 * 4 minutes, 51 seconds reading time.
 * 7 minutes, 25 seconds speaking time.
 * "SpongeCock" is used more than any other word.