Characters[]
Nat Peterson
Shubie
Susie
Nancy Suzy Fish
Sadie Rechid
Martha Smith
Patty Rechid
Nazz-Mimi
Sally
Tina-Fran
Evelyn
Jennifer-Millie
Mabel
Debbie Rechid
Perch Perkins
Isabel
Monroe
Tommy
Tyler
Coach
Fans
Bass Vegas Team
Bass Vegas Coach
Women Shoppers at the Barg ‘N Mart
Transcript[]
(Scene cuts to a man driving his boat)
Coach: "Oh, where am I going to find a group of women dumb enough to play on a football team?" The coach drives past the Barg ‘N Mart.
Coach: "That’s it! A grocery store!" The coach pulls into the parking lot and gets out of his boat. The coach runs over to the front door where a woman is entering the store.
Coach: "Excuse me, miss? Have you ever wanted to play football? You look like you’re in great shape. How’d you like to tryout for the team tomorrow?"
Woman: "How dumb do you think I am? No way!" The woman walks into the store and the coach follows her in. Another woman pushes a cart towards the coach.
Coach: "Excuse me, miss? Have you ever wanted to play football?"
Woman: "Not interested." The woman walks away and another woman walks towards the coach from the other side of the store.
Coach: "Excuse me, miss? Have you ever wanted to play football?"
Woman: "Nope." The woman walks away.
Coach: "Barnacles! How am I ever going to find enough players to be on a team?" Shubie walks past the coach and down the cereal aisle holding a shopping basket.
Shubie: "Wait a minute, what does this say down here? Buy one get one free for Kelpo?! This is a steal!" Shubie bends over to grab the Kelpo boxes and hits into the shelf behind her. The shelf falls down. Shubie turns around.
Shubie: "Oh darn, not again." Shubie bends down, grabs the shelf and lifts it up. The coach smirks.
Coach: "She’s perfect." The coach runs over to Shubie.
Coach: "Excuse me, ma’am?"
Shubie: "Huh?"
Coach: "Have you ever wanted to play football?"
Shubie: "Well, this one time I played with my husband and his friends against his old high school rivals."
Coach: "Well lucky for you because Bikini Bottom is starting its own team in the Underwater Women’s Football League or UWFL. We’re having tryouts tomorrow and I’d say but the looks of you you’d have a very strong chance at making the team. How does that sound?"
Shubie: "Bikini Bottom is starting its own women’s football team? This could be a great way to show my daughter that girls can do anything! But I don’t know... I kind of already have a job at the mall that I really love and I wouldn't want to give it up."
Coach: "Not a problem! All of our games and practices take place at night so unless you work the night shift it shouldn’t be an issue. Most of the women in this league work a day job as well. So what do you say? I’m sure your daughter would love to see her mom put some pads on and show that women can do anything just as well as men!"
Shubie: "I’ll do it!"
Coach: "Excellent! Make sure to get all of your friends to tryout tomorrow too! The more the better!"
(Scene cuts to Shubie coming home from the Barg ‘N Mart carrying some groceries) Shubie puts the groceries on the kitchen table.
Shubie: "Oh Nat, I’m so excited!"
Nat: "You saved a lot of money on groceries today?"
Shubie: "Well yes, but also I just got offered to play on the Bikini Bottom women’s football team!"
Nat: "Bikini Bottom has a women’s football team?"
Shubie: "I know, I didn’t know they have one either. But I just ran into the coach at the Barg ‘N Mart and he asked me to tryout for the team tomorrow! Isn’t that great? Now I’ll be able to show Susie that she can do anything she wants as long as she puts her mind to it!"
Nat: "That’s great, Shubie. I’m really happy for you. Now we’ll have two football stars in the family!"
Shubie: "Thanks Nat, but I still think I have a long ways to go before I set the state rushing record. Well I’m off to try to convince all of the other women in the neighborhood to tryout tomorrow. The coach said that I should try to get as many women as possible."
(Scene cuts to Shubie, Nancy, Martha, Sadie, Sally, Tina, Patty, Nazz, Evelyn, Jennifer, Mabel and Debbie sitting at a huge table in a restaurant)
Sally: "Oh, I’m so excited! We haven’t had a girl’s night out in months! So what did you have planned for tonight, Shubie?"
Shubie: "Well actually I brought all of you here to tell you that today I met this guy..." Sadie gasps.
Sadie: "You’re cheating on Nat? Oh you poor fool, cheating on the hottest guy in Bikini Bottom! Finally Nat will be mine!"
Shubie: "What? No, I would never cheat on Nat!"
Sadie: "Oh, I mean, come on girls, you all shouldn’t be assuming that Shubie cheated on Nat. She loves him way too much to be doing that." Sadie laughs awkwardly.
Martha: "So what were you trying to tell us, Shubie?"
Shubie: "Today at the Barg ‘N Mart I ran into the coach of the Bikini Bottom women’s football team and he asked me to tryout for the team tomorrow and invite all of my friends to come too! Isn’t this great ladies?" The women stare back at her in silence.
Nazz: "Are you sure this is a good idea, Shubie? Most of us here don’t really seem like the football type."
Jennifer: "We could get badly injured."
Sadie: "And I could damage my beautiful face which would make Nat- I mean- Fred lose interest in me!"
Martha: "I don’t think we should do this, Shubie."
Shubie: "You all have valid concerns but I still think we’d be fools not do this. Do you know what this could do for our daughters and other young girls if they see us playing on a women’s football team? It could show them that girls can do anything they want to. It could show them that they should always follow their dreams no matter what people say to put them down. Seeing us succeed in a male dominated sport could show them that women are just as strong as men and can become just as successful. It could give them the hope that one day their dreams will come true."
Sally: "Well I’m a sucker for motivational speeches. I’m in!"
Nancy: "Me too! Let’s show those girls that we are just strong!"
(Scene cuts to Shubie, Nancy, Martha, Sadie, Sally, Tina, Patty, Nazz, Evelyn, Jennifer, Mabel and Debbie at Bikini Bottom High School’s football field the next day)
Evelyn: "We’re the only ones here?" The coach parks his boat in the parking lot and walks onto the field.
Coach: "Congratulations, ladies! You all made the team! Why don’t we use this tryout as our first practice? Let’s run three laps around the field!"
(Scene cuts to the women finishing their last lap) Martha gags.
Martha: "I really shouldn’t have eaten those tacos right before the tryout."
Coach: "Okay let’s work on our offense now! Everyone get in your positions!"
Shubie: "Uh, you haven’t given us any positions yet, coach."
Coach: "Oh yeah, that’s right. You! (Points at Patty) You’re pretty tall so you’ll be our quarterback.
Shubie: "Great choice, Coach! Patty was a pitcher in high school so she probably has the best..."
Coach: "Yeah, that’s great. (Points at Shubie) You’ll be the running back. Uh... you three! (Points at Nancy, Tina and Debbie) You looked pretty good during the laps so you’ll be our wide receivers. (Points at Sadie) And you’re tall too so you’ll be our tight end. And, um, the rest of you will be the blockers!"
Shubie: "You mean the offensive line?"
Coach: "Great idea, pink! They’ll form a line in front of the quarterback!" Shubie looks at coach confusedly.
Coach: "Alright, everyone! Get in your positions! Except you! (Points at Mabel) You’ll be the kicker." All of the women except for Mabel walk onto the field.
(Scene cuts to Shubie coming home from the tryout) Shubie walks into the kitchen.
Nat: "So how was the tryout, Shubie?"
Shubie: "I made the team! Well actually all of us did. Only twelve women showed up so our coach just used the tryout as our first practice."
Nat: "Oh okay, how did practice go?"
Shubie: "It went fine. It was a little weird though. Our coach didn’t know what an offensive line was or any of the positions on defense."
Nat: "Your coach didn’t know the positions? Are you sure he knows what he’s doing? I don’t know about this Shubie. Something seems a little fishy here."
Shubie: "Of course he knows what he’s doing! He’s a coach! He probably was a little tired or something."
Nat: "Maybe he was a little tired? Is that really the best you can come up with? Something doesn’t seem right here."
Shubie: "Why are you being so skeptical of this? It really isn’t that big of a deal. It was only our first practice and we don’t have our first game for another week. Everything will be fine by then."
Nat: "Okay. I’m just a little worried about this, Shubie. I want to make sure that this is safe. I don’t want you getting hurt."
Shubie: "Oh you’re worried that I’m going to break a nail or something? I’m a grown woman! I’m more than capable of taking care of myself. In fact, my coach said today that I’m the best player on the team. So maybe you need to be a little more supportive of me!" Susie walks into the room.
Susie: "Are you getting divorced again?" Shubie walks over to Susie.
Shubie: "Oh no, Susie. Your father and I love each other very much. We’re just in a little bit of an argument."
Susie: "That’s what Isabel said too before her parents got divorced."
Shubie: "No Susie, I promise we’re not getting divorced. Now come on, do you want Mommy to teach you how to throw a football?"
Susie: "But I thought that Dad was the one who played football."
Shubie: "Not anymore!" Shubie and Susie walk out of the room. Nat sighs.
(Scene cuts to Susie and Shubie throwing a football in the front yard)
Susie: "You play on a women’s football team?"
Shubie: "Yep!"
Susie: "But I thought that girls can’t play football."
Shubie: "Susie, girls can do anything if they work hard and put their minds to it."
Susie: "Really?"
Shubie: "Yes and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You can be whatever you want."
Susie: "Is Isabel’s mom on your team?"
Shubie: "Yes. She’s one of our wide receivers."
Susie: "Is Mrs. Rechid?"
Shubie: "Yep. She’s our tight end."
Susie: "Mrs. Smith?"
Shubie: "Yes."
Susie: "Mrs. Anchovy?"
Shubie: "Yes. Virtually every woman in the neighborhood is on the team."
Susie: "Wow, that’s so cool!"
Shubie: "Oh, I’m so glad you’re excited about this! I knew joining this team was a good idea. How’d you like to come to our first game this weekend?"
(Scene cuts to a montage of Shubie and the other women practicing before their first game) The coach walks by the women while they’re doing leg press.
Coach: "Sadie, you call those legs? Tina and Patty, good. Nancy, great. Shubie, excellent!"
(Scene cuts to the coach walks past them doing squats)
Coach: "Debbie, you need to widen out a bit, Martha, you need to get in much better shape. Jennifer, better. Patty, great. Shubie, perfect!"
(Scene cut to the women doing bench press) The coach walks past them.
Coach: "Sadie, I don’t see anything from you. Same goes for you, Sally. Martha, better. Nancy, good. Shubie perfect once again! You’re gonna be a star!"
(Scene cuts to the women in the locker room before their first game) Tina looks at her watch.
Tina: "Where is he? The game’s supposed to start in ten minutes." The coach runs into the locker room carrying a box.
Coach: "Sorry I’m late! I just had to pick up your uniforms!"
Shubie: "Uniforms?!" The women gather around the coach excitedly.
Coach: "Yep, here they are!" The coach opens up the box. Shubie grabs a uniform.
Shubie: "These are our jerseys? But they’re just bikinis. And they’re not even the same color!"
Patty: "I haven’t worn a bikini in years!"
Coach: "Oh, don’t worry about that. Every team wears different color jerseys. The league, uh, doesn’t make enough money yet to get better ones. But don’t worry, the important thing is that you all look great! Now here’s your pads." The coach throws a bunch of shoulder pads at them.
Shubie: "Only shoulder pads? Don’t we need more than that? And what about our helmets?"
Coach: "Oh, I almost forgot about that!" The coach tosses a bunch of old helmets at them.
Shubie: "Oh I get it now. This league plays an older, more physical style of football back when people didn’t wear as much protection."
Coach: "Yeah. Sure. Now the game’s about to start, so let’s go out there and give the fans what they want!" The women run towards the exit.
(Scene cuts to Perch Perkins in the press box)
Perch Perkins: "Hello and welcome to the inaugural game of the Underwater Women’s Football League between the Bass Vegas Virginians and the Bikini Bottom Beach Babes! I’m Perch Perkins and I’ll be your commentator today. And now here is the starting lineup for your Beach Babes! Starting at kicker, Mabel! Starting at offensive line, Evelyn, Sally, Nazz, Martha and Jennifer! Starting at tight end, Sadie! Starting at wide receiver, Tina, Nancy and Debbie! Starting at quarterback, Patty! And starting at running back, your star, Shubie!" Shubie runs onto the field and over to the sideline. The crowd cheers. Shubie spots Susie in the crowd.
Shubie: "Hi Susie!"
Susie: "Hi Mom!"
Fan: "You’re her daughter?! Accident?"
Susie: "What?"
Fan: "Never mind."
Perch Perkins: "And now give it up for Bass Vegas!" Bass Vegas’ team runs onto the field.
Nancy: "This is Bass Vegas’ team? They don’t look like football players."
Sadie: "Yeah, they look like the girls that work at the casino Fred goes to every weekend." The women look at Sadie strangely.
Sadie: "What? Oh, don’t look at me like that Martha. At least my husband wastes his money at a casino. Tom wastes your inheritance money buying chocolate!"
Coach: "Enough chitchat, girls. The game’s starting so let’s get on the field!"
Perch Perkins: "Bass Vegas will get the ball first." Mabel kicks the ball down the field. One of the players on Bass Vegas tries to catch the ball but it slips out of her hands. Another Bass Vegas player tries to pick up the ball but drops it. A third Bass Vegas player grabs the ball and Sally tackles her. The crowd cheers.
Fan: "Do it again!"
Shubie: "Wow, these fans are really into it! Alright girls let’s get ready on defense!" The Bass Vegas quarterback catches the snap and throws to one of the wide receivers who drops it. The crowd starts cheering.
Sadie: "Why are they cheering? Nothing happened."
Shubie: "I don’t know but let’s stay focused!" On second down, the quarterback throws it to another wide receiver. The wide receiver catches it and is immediately tackled by Nancy. Nancy and the wide receiver both get up and are covered with mud from the ground. The crowd cheers once again.
Fan: "Oh yeah, get dirty!"
Bass Vegas QB: "Hike!" The ball goes over her head. Jennifer runs after the ball and jumps on it.
Perch Perkins: "And Bikini Bottom recovers the football! It’ll be their ball at the 25 yard line!" The crowd cheers.
Nazz: "Great job, Jennifer!"
Jennifer: "Thanks!"
Fan #1: "Hey orange! I had a great view of when you jumped on that ball!"
Fan #2: "Yeah orange! I love watching big girls like you run!"
Jennifer: "Thanks! I’m just trying to help my team win!" The crowd laughs.
Patty: "Okay, ladies. Let’s get our offense ready. Jennifer you be the center. Martha you be the left tackle."
Martha: "Why me?"
Patty: "Because you’re the second biggest player on the team and I need some to block my blind side. For the first play, let’s hand it off to Shubie." The women nod and get in their position.
Perch Perkins: "And it looks like Bikini Bottom’s offense is ready for their first play of the drive. Patty Rechid, looking as gorgeous as ever, is about to take the snap." Patty blushes.
Patty: "Oh, Perch. Such a charmer. Alright ready, girls? Hike on three! One... two..."
Fan #1: "Hey purple! Get closer to orange!"
Fan #2: "Yeah, get real close to her!"
Patty: "What?"
Fan #3: "Get as close to her as you possibly can!" The referee blows his whistle.
Referee: "Delay of game! Offense! Five yard penalty, still first down!" The team runs over to the coach on the sidelines.
Patty: "I’m sorry, Coach. Those fans distracted me."
Coach: "Oh don’t worry about it at all! It’s great to see that our fans are so into the game! Now go out there and run the same play!" The team walks back onto the field.
Patty: "Hike!" Patty hands that ball off to Shubie. Shubie runs down the field. All of the Bass Vegas players slip and fall as they chase after her. Shubie runs into the end zone.
Perch Perkins: "Touchdown! Bikini Bottom scores on Shubie Peterson’s thirty yard run into the end zone!" The crowd goes wild.
Fan #1: "Nice run, pink! That was so hot!"
Shubie: "Thank you! Wait... What?"
Fan #2: "You know what they say about women who run fast, right?"
Fan #3: "Hey pink! That’s a nice bikini you have on!"
Fan #4: "I love a sweet girl with some meat on her!" Shubie looks around the field.
Bass Vegas Coach: "Good job, girls! Just smile and look pretty!"
(Scene cuts to Susie in the stands)
Fan: "Hey little girl, your mom’s single right? Can I get her number?"
(Scene cuts back to Shubie on the field) Shubie gasps. Shubie runs over to the sidelines and into the stands.
Shubie: "Come on, Susie! We’re leaving!"
Coach: "Hey, where are you going?"
Shubie: "I quit! You tricked me! This isn’t for women to prove that they deserve equal rights and can do anything they want. It’s for men to gawk at us. You’re all a bunch of creeps and I don’t want my daughter seeing any more of this disgusting behavior!"
Coach: "Fine! You aren’t even that attractive anyway! Mabel, how’d you like to play quarterback? Patty, you’ll be our running back now."
Patty: "No way, jerk. We quit too." Patty and the other women throw their helmets on the ground and walk away.
(Scene cuts to Shubie and Susie coming home from the game) Shubie bursts into the house.
Shubie: "Oh, Nat! You were right! That league isn’t trying to show young girls that they can do anything they want! It’s so gross men could watch us run around in revealing clothes! And Susie saw everything! I’m such a terrible mother!" Shubie starts crying and hugs Nat.
Nat: "Uh, Shubie?" Shubie looks up.
Shubie: "What?"
Nat: "Look." Shubie looks outside and sees Susie standing in the front yard with Isabel, Tyler, Monroe and Tommy. Susie picks up a football.
Susie: "And then my mom ran past all of the Bass Vegas players and scored a touchdown! It was so cool!" Susie imitates Shubie scoring a touchdown.
(Scene ends)