Characters[]
Nat Peterson
Shubie
Susie
Baby Billy
Abigail-Marge
Sadie Rechid
Nancy Suzy Fish
Jennifer-Millie
Jimmy-Gus
Harold
Scooter
Pilar
Nathaniel
Clayton
Charlie
Sally
Tina-Fran
Evelyn
Perch Perkins
Realistic Fish Head
Producer
Reporter
Actress
Transcript[]
(Scene cuts to Perch Perkins and Realistic Fish Head at Bikini Bottom News)
Realistic Fish Head: "Hey Perch, you hear we're working the 5 am shift tomorrow?"
Perch Perkins: "We are?!"
Realistic Fish Head: "Yep the network gave the two B's the noon time slot this week." Perch rolls his eyes.
Perch Perkins: "Those two aren't even real journalists! They just create drama for higher ratings. I can't believe this! Now we have to work the morning shift and the night shift this week? That's ridiculous!"
Realistic Fish Head: "I know right! Hey! You know what we should do? We should pull a live prank on the network tomorrow morning!"
Perch Perkins: "Are you sure that's a good idea, Elaine? Wouldn't we get in trouble with the network?"
Realistic Fish Head: "Oh, I doubt they'll care. It's not like anyone watches the 5 am news anyway. Plus, it's not like the prank's going to be that bad."
Perch Perkins: "Well what did you have in mind?"
Realistic Fish Head: "So I was thinking that before you give the weather report tomorrow, you'll write 'this shift sucks' on the green screen so when the camera cuts to you everyone watching will see 'this shift sucks' in the background!" Perch laughs.
Perch Perkins: "That is pretty funny. Are you sure we won't get in trouble?"
Realistic Fish Head: "Of course not! It'll be fine!"
(Scene cuts to Realistic Fish Head and Perch Perkins working at Bikini Bottom News the next morning)
Producer: "And we're live in three, two, one! Action!"
Realistic Fish Head: "Welcome back to Bikini Bottom News! For our next story, is Bikini Bottom dumping toxic chemicals in Goo Lagoon? But first here's Perch Perkins with the weather!"
(Scene cuts to Perch Perkins standing in front of a green screen)
Perch Perkins: "Hello I'm Perch Perkins and this is today's weather forecast!" The crew gasps.
Realistic Fish Head: "Uh… Perch, I think you forgot the 'f'."
(Scene cuts to Nat and Sadie Rechid working at Sadie's Cookies) Nat hands Nancy a tray of cupcakes.
Nat: "Here's your cupcakes, Nancy!"
Nancy: "They smell delicious! The office party's gonna love these!" Nancy walks away.
Sadie: "So Nat, do you have any plans tonight? I heard there's a new movie playing at Reef Cinema and I was wondering if maybe-"
Nat: "Hey, what are they talking about on the news?"
Sadie: "I don't know. Let me turn up the volume." Sadie grabs the remote and turns up the volume on the TV.
(Scene cuts to the TV)
Woman: "We at Bikini Bottom News would like to publicly apologize for the prank that was orchestrated by Perch Perkins and Realistic Fish Head earlier this morning. To ensure that this incident will never occur again, both of them have been fired. As a result, BBN is looking for two people to replace Perch Perkins and Realistic Fish Head. We will be holding auditions today at 5 pm at the Bikini Bottom Mall. We are preferably looking to hire one male and one female for the evening news positions."
(Scene cuts back to Nat and Sadie)
Sadie: "Oooo, juicy! I wonder what their prank was. Neptune knows I don't pay attention to the news in the morning. I'm too busy watching you get the newspaper. I mean, feeding the baby! Yep! I'm always super busy feeding my baby in the morning!"
Nat: "Yeah, I never watch the news in the morning either. I wonder who will end up getting the positions."
Sadie: "Oh! You should totally try out for it!"
Nat: "Really?"
Sadie: "Yeah! I've always thought you had the face for television. I can just picture it now being married to, I mean, working with a famous news anchor."
Nat: "But what about Sadie's Cookies? Wouldn't I have to stop working here if I got that job?"
Sadie: "No, silly! Didn't you hear what she said? It's for the evening news which means you'd be able to work here during the day and work there at night. You just wouldn't be able to see Shubie and your kids as much, but who cares! It's not like they're all that interesting anyway. Plus Sadie's Cookies would make a lot more money if people found out that one of its owners was a Bikini Bottom News anchor."
Nat: "Yeah, I guess that's true. Oh what the heck? I might as well give it a shot!"
Sadie: "That's great, Nat!"
Nat: "Are you gonna audition too, Sadie?"
Sadie: "I wish. I'd love to anchor a news program with you Nat, but Fred would never let me. Not that he'd get suspicious of us spending so much time together, but I have to cook dinner every night at home. Fred doesn't even know how to heat up pizza in the microwave!"
(Scene cuts to Nat and Sadie working in Sadie's Cookies later that day)
Nat: "Here you go, Jennifer!" Nat hands Jennifer-Millie a brownie. Jennifer bites her brownie.
Jennifer: "Ah! Nothing like a hot brownie after a long day's work. Oh, can I get another one for Jimmy? I can give it to him when I see him before his big audition for Bikini Bottom News."
Nat: "Sure." Nat hands her a brownie. Jennifer walks away. Sadie looks at her watch.
Sadie: "Well, it's 4:50. We might as well close up now. I wouldn't want you to be late for the audition." Sadie and Nat walk out of the store. Sadie pulls out a set of keys and locks the front door.
Nat: "Bye Sadie! Thanks for convincing me to audition today!"
Sadie: "You're welcome Nat! I know you'll do great!" Sadie walks away. Nat walks over to the auditions and sees a large crowd of people.
Nat: "Wow! I didn't think that this many people would be trying out for this." The woman who was on the TV earlier looks at her watch and grabs a megaphone.
Producer: "Okay people! Listen up! You may have seen me on TV earlier. I'm a producer at Bikini Bottom News. It's 5 o'clock which means that the auditions are about to start. Before we begin, can I please have all of the males stand in single file to the left and all of the females stand in single file to the right? No, no! Males to my left, females to my right! Thank you. We're going to start with the males."
(Scene cuts to Scooter auditioning in front of the producer)
Producer: "Ok, the audition is simple. Have a seat at the table behind you and pretend that you're a news anchor sitting at a news desk. All you have to do is read the words written on the teleprompter. Whoever gives the best performance will become our next anchor. You may begin."
Scooter: "Hello my name is insert name here…"
(Scene cuts to Pilar auditioning)
Pilar: "And this is Bikini Bottom News! For our first story, has the Chump Bucket been illegally dumping chumps?"
(Scene cuts to Clayton auditioning)
Clayton: "We've been getting reports that the Chum Bucket has been dumping express chum into…"
(Scene cuts to Charlie auditioning)
Charlie: "Sewer drains late at night in an effort to avoid hefty dimes."
(Scene cuts to Nathiel auditioning)
Nathiel: "If you have any information regarding this issue, please contract Bikini Bottom News..."
(Scene cuts to Jimmy-Gus auditioning)
Jimmy: "At 555-5555. I'm Jimmy and Bikini Button News will be right back after this break!" Jimmy walks away. The producer smacks herself in the face.
Producer: "Who knew that this many people couldn't read off a teleprompter?" Nat walks into the auditioning tent and sits down at the table.
Nat: "Hello!"
Producer: "Hi. What's your name?"
Nat: "Nat Peterson." The producer writes Nat's name down on her clipboard.
Producer: "Peterson? Are you the guy that holds the rushing record at Bikini Bottom High?"
Nat: "Yep, that's me!"
Producer: "My husband is a huge fan of their football team! He even named our son after their old coach. He'll be so excited when I tell him that I met you today! Sorry, I'm getting off topic. Could you read off of the teleprompter for me?" The producer turns on the teleprompter. Nat gets nervous and starts sweating a little.
Nat: "Okay. Uh… Hello my name is Nat Peterson and this is Bikini Bottom News! For our first story, has the Chum Bucket been illegally dumping excess chum into drain sewers late at night to avoid hefty fines? If have you any information this issue regarding… I'm sorry. If you have any information regarding this issue, please contact Bikini Bottom News at 555-5555. I'm Nat Peterson and this has been Bottom Bikini News. Bikini Bottom News!" Nat sighs and wipes some sweat off his forehead. The producer scribbles something down on her clipboard.
Producer: "Well Mr. Peterson, you started off promising but you made some critical mistakes towards the end. You can go wait outside with the other fish. We will announce who will be getting the job after the ladies audition."
Nat: "Okay." Nat walks away. The producer sighs.
Producer: "Hopefully the women will be better."
(Scene cuts to Abigail-Marge walking into the tent) The producer sighs.
Producer: "How were the women even worse? What's your name?"
Abigail: "Abigail." The producer writes her name down.
Producer: "Well Abigail, you're the last person to audition today. Show me what you've got." Abigail clears her throat.
Abigail: "Hello my name is Abigail and this is Bikini Bottom News! For our first story, has the Chum Bucket been illegally dumping chum? We've been getting reports that the Chum Bucket has been dumping excess chum into sewer drains late at night to avoid hefty fines. If you have any information regarding this issue, please contact Bikini Bottom News at 555-5555. I'm Abigail and Bikini Bottom News will be right back after this break!"
Producer: "Wow! No errors or random outbursts or anything. That was perfect! It looks like we have our new female anchor." The producer shakes Abigail's fin.
Abigail: "Really? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! You won't regret it! I have lots of experience working in television."
Producer: "And it shows! You read the prompter better than anyone else who auditioned today. Now, who am I going to hire as the male anchor? I guess I could go with Jimmy or maybe Nathaniel…" Abigail looks through the entrance to the tent and sees Nat standing in the crowd.
Abigail: "Did Nat audition for this?"
Producer: "Nat Peterson? Yes but it wasn't anything special."
Abigail: "You have to hire him!"
Producer: "Him?! But he kept fumbling up his words during the audition. Surely someone else would be better."
Abigail: "Me and Nat are a package deal. If you want me to be a news anchor then you're going to have to hire him as my partner. Trust me, you'll see. We have great chemistry together. I'll be able to turn him into an excellent anchor."
Producer: "Well I don't know why you want to work with him so badly but Jimmy did call the network Bikini Button News and Nat was one of the more attractive fish to audition today… Alright fine, you and Nat will be the late night news anchors. But you better be right about this because if you aren't your show will be cancelled in less than a week."
(Scene cuts to Abigail and the producer walking out of the audition tent) The producer walks out of the tent and grabs her megaphone.
Producer: "Attention everyone! Bikini Bottom News would like to thank you all for auditioning today. It was a difficult decision but after a thorough review of every audition, I am ready to announce who will be the new evening news anchors! The female anchor with be Abigail and the male anchor will be Nat Peterson! Congratulations!" Abigail runs over to Nat and gives him a hug.
Abigail: "Oh my gosh Nat! We're going to be news anchors!" The rest of the crowd walks away angrily. The producer walks over to Nat and Abigail.
Producer: "Congratulations you two! I'm looking forward to working with you in the future! You will start first thing tomorrow so don't be late!" The producer walks away.
(Scene cuts to Nat eating dinner with Shubie, Susie and Baby Billy)
Nat: "Wow Shubie, these ribs are amazing! How did you ever learn to cook so well?"
Shubie: "Oh thanks Nat. I just followed my grandma's old recipe. So how was work today?"
Nat: "It was great! Unfortunately I won't be able to come home for dinner anymore though."
Shubie: "Why not? Is Sadie making you work a night shift?"
Nat: "Nope, Sadie's Cookies still closes at 5. I can't come home for dinner anymore because I just got hired as one of the anchors on the evening news." Shubie spits out her drink.
Shubie: "You did?! But what about Perch Perkins and Realistic Fish Head? Why aren't they doing it anymore?" Shubie gets up to put her dish in the sink.
Nat: "Apparently they pulled a prank this morning and got fired for it so Bikini Bottom News held this audition to fill their positions and they hired me and Abigail! I can't believe it! I never thought I'd get the job!"
Shubie: "Oh my goodness Nat! I'm so excited for you! This is going to be great! My husband is a TV star!" Shubie kisses Nat on the cheek.
(Scene cuts to Nat at BBTV the next day) Abigail notices Nat and waves at him.
Abigail: "Oh hi, Nat! My, don't you look awfully handsome in that suit. So are you excited for our first broadcast? Today will change our lives forever!"
Nat: "Yeah, there's quite a lot of cameras here though. I don't know if I can do this."
Abigail: "Aw, are you nervous? You look so cute when you get all sweaty! Don't worry though Nat, everything's going to be okay. When the producer was deciding who to pick, I told her that you were the only fish I wanted to work with. I know you can do this. Just follow my lead and everything will be okay." The producer looks at her watch.
Producer: "Ok people! It's time for the 6 o'clock news! Anchors get behind your desk! Everyone ready? And we'll be live in three… two… one! Action!"
Abigail: "Hi, my name is Abigail and this is the 6 o'clock news. We begin this program with some breaking news. Vandalism at Bikini Bottom High. The Bikini Bottom police just caught a delinquent who spray painted the words This Scool Sucks on the brick wall at the back of the high school."
Nat: "Wait a minute, scool? This kid didn't even know how to spell school right? Dear Neptune, I pay so much in taxes to fund Bikini Bottom's education and these kids can't even spell school right!" Abigail laughs.
Abigail: "Yeah, it looks like that teenager should've paid attention more in English class." Nat and Abigail laugh.
Nat: "And for our next story, is a star actress moving to Bikini Bottom? Bikini Bottom News caught a famous actress touring serval houses with Bikini Bottom Realty's Patty Rechid. When asked about how likely it is that the famous actress would be moving to Bikini Bottom, Ms. Rechid stated 'She looked at numerous houses today and seemed satisfied with many of them. She knows that this town would welcome her with open arms if she moved here,'." Abigail laughs.
Abigail: "Star actress? Please, I saw her work in Space Fish. Her performance was tolerable at best." Abigail and Nat laugh.
Nat: "Yeah as if a D-list actress would move to this dump anyway." Nat and Abigail laugh.
(Scene cuts to a montage of Nat and Abigail working together on the news)
(Scene cuts to Sadie putting up a sign in front of Sadie's Cookies that says Buy One Treat and Get A Free Autograph from News Anchor Nat Peterson!) A crowd of fish runs into the store.
Sally: "I'll have one cookie please!" Sally gives Sadie some money.
Sadie: "Here you go!" Sadie hands Sally the cookie. Sally runs over to Nat who is sitting at a table in the store.
Nat: "Hi Sally!"
Sally: "Oh my gosh! Nat Peterson knows my name! I'm like your biggest fan! I watch you and Abigail every night on Bikini Bottom News! You're even more attractive in person! Can you sign this for me?"
Nat: "Sure." Nat signs a piece of paper for Sally. Sally screams with excitement and runs away. Sadie walks over to Nat.
Sadie: "Wow Nat, we've never had this many customers before and they're all here to see you! You're the most popular fish in Bikini Bottom! I knew you'd become a TV star!"
Nat: "Thank you, Sadie! You were right! If it wasn't for you I never would've auditioned to become an anchor on the news."
Sadie: "You're welcome, Nat. I've always believed in you. Just don't forget about me at the top, okay? We still have the rest of our lives to spend together. I mean, many years to spend working here together! Silly me, I always misplace my words!" Sadie laughs awkwardly.
Nat: "Don't worry, Sadie. I'd never forget about you. You're one of the most important people in my life." Sadie's eyes get big.
Sadie: "Really?! Am I more important than Shubie? Never mind. Anyway, why don't we celebrate your success with a nice romantic evening at Fancy! tonight? You know, strictly as business partners of course."
Nat: "Sorry, Sadie. I wish I could but Bikini Bottom News is hosting a company event tonight for all their employees."
Sadie: "Oh, it's okay. I'm sure we can do it some other time."
(Scene cuts to Nat and Abigail at the company event)
Nat: "Hi Abigail!"
Abigail: "Hey Nat."
Nat: "So where's your date?"
Abigail: "Oh, I didn't bring one. I'm not seeing anyone right now. So, I noticed that you came alone too? Don't worry, I can be your date! Have I ever told you how handsome you look in that suit?" Abigail wraps her arm around Nat's.
Nat: "Oh no, I didn't come alone. I came with Shubie. She's just getting food right now."
Abigail: "Oh!" Abigail lets go of Nat. The producer walks over to Nat and Abigail.
Producer: "Well if it isn't my two best anchors! This network would be in the toilet right now if it wasn't for you two! Abigail, I can't thank you enough for convincing me to hire Nat. He's the most popular news anchor we have!"
Abigail: "Oh, don't mention it! I just knew that Nat and I would be a great duo. He has the perfect face for television and we have amazing chemistry together." Shubie walks over to Nat.
Shubie: "Nat, you really have to try this sea-chicken parmigiana. It's delicious!" The producer's eyes widen.
Producer: "And who is this?"
Nat: "Oh this is my wife, Shubie." Shubie shakes the producer's fin.
Shubie: "Hello! You must be the producer! Thank you so much for hiring my husband! Our kids love watching their dad on TV every night!"
Producer: "Shubie, has anyone ever told you that you have the perfect face for television? You don't work for another network do you?"
Shubie: "No I work at the clothing store in the mall."
Producer: "A clothing store?! You are way too talented for that sort of job! How would you like to work on the evening news?"
Shubie: "Really? I'd love to!"
Abigail: "But Shubie can't because she needs to cook dinner for her kids. With both Nat and Shubie working at night, how will they ever eat?" Shubie frowns.
Shubie: "Oh yeah. I guess I wouldn't be able to."
Producer: "Nonsense! You can just bring your kids to work with you! We have several five star chefs at the studio. Your children will have plenty of gourmet food available to them."
Shubie: "Really? Then I'll do it!" Abigail frowns.
Abigail: "This is ridiculous! You can't put her on the evening news! Nat and I are already doing a great job."
Producer: "Of course I can. Every good news program needs a weather girl."
Abigail: "Oh. Well if she's just the dumb weather girl…"
Producer: "Abigail, how would you like to be the weather girl?" Abigail spits out her drink.
Abigail: "What?!"
Producer: "It'll be great! Now you won't have to handle both being a news anchor and doing the weather report every night!"
Abigail: "But why can't Shubie be the weather girl? Nat and I are already the perfect duo!"
Producer: "That's true but a face like Shubie's belongs behind a news desk!"
Abigail: "What if the show gets worse though? What if Shubie's a horrible anchor?"
Producer: "If things don't work out we'll make you the female anchor again and have Shubie do the weather. This is the greatest decision I've ever made! They should pay me seven figures for this!" The producer walks away.
French Narrator: "Two weeks later."
(Scene cuts to Nat and Shubie parking their boat at Bikini Bottom News) Nat, Shubie, Susie and Baby Billy get out of the boat and walk towards the station. A crowd of fish gather around them.
Tina: "Can I get an autograph?"
Scooter: "Can you sign my surfboard?"
Harold: "Can you sign my shirt?" Nat and Shubie begin signing things for people.
Shubie: "Wow! This must be what it feels like to be a celebrity! Hey, is that Evelyn giving an interview?"
Reporter: "Do you really know everything about Nat and Shubie Peterson? Do you have any juicy secrets the public doesn't know about them?"
Evelyn: "Of course I do! I'm Shubie's sister and I've lived next to them for the past 12 years!" Nat, Shubie, Susie and Baby Billy walk into the station. Shubie hands Baby Billy to Susie.
Shubie: "Ok Susie, make sure that you and Billy have a nice healthy meal tonight. Don't fill up on deserts again. And remember to do your homework this time. Mrs. Anchovy only let it go yesterday because I signed an autograph for her."
Susie: "I will, Mom!" Susie walks away. The producer walks over to Nat and Shubie.
Producer: "Well if it isn't my two best anchors! Your show is officially the highest rated news program in the Pacific Ocean! I knew I made the right decision in making you a news anchor, Shubie."
Shubie: "Thanks! How's Abigail doing though? I know she's spent the last eight days freezing in that blizzard in the South Pole."
Producer: "Oh, she's still there now. The blizzard hasn't stopped. Now get ready you two! You'll be live in three minutes!" Shubie and Nat walk over to the news desk.
Producer: "Ready? Action! We're live!"
Nat: "Hello and welcome to the 6 o'clock news, the most viewed news program in the Pacific Ocean! We have a lot to talk about today from political scandals to high school sports to the new ice skating rink in Bikini Bottom! But first, let's start with the weather report where a blizzard has been raging at the South Pole for the past eight days! Abigail-Marge is there right now. How's the blizzard looking Abigail?"
(Scene cuts to Abigail freezing in the blizzard)
Abigail: "Well Nat, I've been in the South Pole reporting on this blizzard for the past eight days and it doesn't look like things are getting any better. It's still snowing heavily and the wind is even worse today."
(Scene cuts back to Nat and Shubie at the news desk)
Shubie: "I'm sorry to hear that, Abigail. We're all hoping that the blizzard ends soon so you won't have to be there any longer."
(Scene cuts to back to Abigail)
Abigail: "Thanks, Shubie. Oh look, there's an avalanche heading this way." The avalanche hits Abigail and covers her in snow.
(Scene cuts to back to Nat and Shubie)
Nat: "I really hope that Abigail's okay. That avalanche looked pretty painful."
Shubie: "I know, I hope she doesn't get hurt out there."
Abigail (offscreen): "Seriously?! An avalanche?! I can't take it anymore! I've spent the last two weeks in the worst weather conditions imaginable! First I was in a monsoon, then a tornado, then another tornado, then eight days in a blizzard and now an avalanche! This should be Shubie's job! I'm the one who belongs with Nat! Shubie's nothing but a fat, stupid, pink *dolphin noise*."
Nat: "Uhhh… I don't think Abigail knew her mic was still on. I can't believe she just said *dolphin noise*!"
Shubie: "Nat! You can't say *dolphin noise* on national TV!" Shubie covers her mouth.
(Scene cuts to Nat, Shubie, Susie and Baby Billy watching TV in their living room) Shubie changes the channel. Perch Perkins appears on the TV.
Nat: "Well, it stinks that the network fired all of us after we all said those curse words."
Shubie: "Yeah it does, but honestly I prefer our peaceful life as regular fish. The life of a celebrity news anchor can be pretty hectic. It got tiring signing so many autographs and attending so many events."
Nat: "Yeah that's true."
Shubie: "I'm glad that Perch Perkins and Realistic Fish Head got their jobs back too. I think they did a great job on the news before."
Perch Perkins (on the TV): "And Bikini Bottom Realty announced today that the star actress from Space Fish has officially purchased a house in Bikini Bottom! I met up with her earlier today to ask her about her decision and here's what she told me."
Actress: "Oh Perch, you are such a good kisser." Kissing noises are heard from the TV. Nat covers Susie's eyes and Shubie covers Baby Billy's.
Realistic Fish Head: "Perch! What the barnacles is this?!"
Perch Perkins: "Wrong tape! Wrong tape! Why were you guys filming this anyway?!"
Nat: "On second thought, maybe they won't have their jobs back for long."
(Scene ends)